Title: All In
Summary: Post Chosen, pre S5 Angel. Buffy did not go to Rome, instead she and Willow went on a road trip across the US hunting for potential slayers.
AN: Written for the Mini roadtripathon for edgechick816



“I didn’t know for sure this would be a good idea,” Buffy said out of nowhere. They’d been talking about movies and Willow had said how much she missed their post apocalypse movie and popcorn festivals. The first thought in Buffy’s mind had been how much she missed her best friend.

“Huh?” Willow asked, her eyes straying from the road to look at Buffy in confusion.

“The road trip…you and me…” Buffy trailed off. “We haven’t exactly been share all since…”

“The apocalypse? Well there was so much going on…with the girls and the First…you know,” Willow said with a shrug. She reached over and turned the radio up slightly. It was an old Duran Duran song.

Buffy turned the radio off and stared at Willow until the red head’s eyes met her own. “The apocalypse? The apocalypse didn’t keep us apart. In fact generally apocalypses equal even more share time. What distracted from the share all was that you were right there on the front lines when I got kicked out of my house. Or was that all a bad dream? ‘Cause honestly, it seemed like one. The really real kind you can’t wake up from.”

Willow was stunned into silence by the venom in Buffy’s voice. She made a couple of stammering starts that died almost before her voice gave birth to them and then settled for simply shaking her head and half whispering an apology.

“Are you, Will? Are you sorry you supported them? Are you sorry you didn’t stand up to your girlfriend and say wait a minute. Buffy knows what she’s doing. Buffy’s done this dozens of times before or even just Hey, that’s my best friend you’re being mean to.” The tears in her eyes wrecked havoc with her voice, causing it to tremble and pitch up and down.

“I-we were wrong. Is that what you want to hear?” Willow’s skin was flushed pink but Buffy wasn’t sure if it was from embarrassment or anger.

“It’s a start,” Buffy said with a shake of her head. She turned her attention back to the window and took a deep breath. “It hurt you know. I never failed you, not when it came down to the wire. I remember when I went to fight the master…I was so scared. I didn’t want to die. I wasn’t ready to die but destiny persisted…I remember when I walked through the sewer with The Anointed One. I kept thinking…gotta save the world, gotta save Sunnydale…but that was too big so I narrowed it down. Gotta save Willow. Gotta save Xander, Giles, Angel…it made the scared a little less. I was good enough to walk down there at 16 years old, scared out of my mind, and die but when I knew I was right, when I knew we could win…you didn’t trust me. I guess the sacrificial lamb is only as good as long as it remains a lamb. When it becomes a lion every one has to wonder if it’s going to remember all those times it was the lamb and turn on them.”

“Buffy, it wasn’t about you turning on us. I knew you’d never-all the girls were dying and Xander…we thought maybe-you’d gotten so cold. It seemed like you’d sacrifice any of us to win,” Willow said.

Buffy nodded slightly, taking that in. “Why not? I sacrificed Angel to win. I loved him more than I will ever love anything…still…I sacrificed Faith…I sacrificed myself…Wars have casualties, Will. I shielded you from it though. I guess I shouldn’t have. You knew people died but you didn’t get that I was the one doing the killing until it hit you in the face.”

“Buffy, you never killed anyone!” Willow protested.

“Oh grow up, Willow. I killed everyone. I shoved a sword through Angel. I stuck a dagger in Faith…the only reason she didn’t die was slayer strength. You just never had to look at the bloody awfulness of it because I kept it neat and clean and away from you and in the end I won so what did matter.” Buffy’s voice was bitter and hard as she kept her gaze fixed on the landscape outside the window, her arms crossed over her chest. “I promised you I’d never give up. That should have been good enough for you. It always had been in the past.”


They drove for what seemed like a long time before either of them said anything else.

“I am, you know.” Willow’s voice was unexpected and solemn.

“Am what?” Buffy asked with a tired sigh.

“Sorry,” Willow said. “You’re right. I should done any and all of those things. I was scared too, Buffy. I’d lost so many people I loved…Tara, in ways myself…you. I didn’t want to lose Xander too. I thought-“

“You thought Faith could do a better job, which is another thing that stuck in my craw. Faith had been working at stealing my life since the moment she came to Sunnydale. Turns out all she had to do was ask you and you would have handed it to her,” Buffy snapped.

“No,” Willow insisted, her features hardening into her resolve face. “It was never about Faith doing a better job. It was about giving you a chance to breath.”

“I was breathing just fine,” Buffy answered. She took a deep breath, mentally turning lose of it. Willow had apologized and Buffy believed she meant it. They had to go forward from here, backward wasn’t doing anything for them. She decided to focus on the crux of all girl talk, boys. “Angel showed up…that’s where I got the amulet for Spike.”

“Angel?” Willow asked, her voice pitching just slightly higher than normal.

Buffy nodded as a ghost of a smile slipped over her lips. “Yeah…he came to help. I told him to go back to LA. I told him I needed a second front and he was the only one I trusted.”

“It sorta wasn’t about that though, was it?” Willow asked. She’d known Buffy long enough to know her thought process, particularly when it came to Angel, a subject they’d discussed at length in high school.

Buffy shook her head. “No…I watched him die once…millions of times in my dreams. I couldn’t watch it again…yet I had no problems letting Spike die in his place. Exactly what does that say about me?” Her eyes searched Willow’s face, waiting for a horrified expression or a scolding.

“That you were willing to do what the rest of us wouldn’t,” Willow answered. “You’ve always been willing to do what the rest of us wouldn’t.”

“Oh don’t tell me the rest of you wouldn’t have sacrificed Spike in a minute,” Buffy half smirked. “Xander especially.”

Willow chuffed slightly and then grew silent. “No…in the end Spike made up for everything. He was redeemed.”

“Yeah…” Buffy smiled. “I think he knew that too.” She took a deep breath and wiped at the tears that had gathered in the corner of her eyes.

“So tell me, Angel…was it all tingles and chills or just lots of tears?” Willow asked.

“Tingles and chills,” Buffy grinned. “He still…you know how some guys just walk in a room and the lights dim?”

Willow laughed and nodded, remembering a conversation they’d had at The Bronze years ago. “Yeah…I know. And he still?”

“Oh yeah…he still,” Buffy grinned.

“And do you still?” Willow prodded with a delighted grin.

Buffy glanced out the window and giggled. “Yeah…very still,” she breathed. “That’s part of the problem though.”

“What problem?”

“Well…okay you understand I was on brain overload and Angel short circuits everything anyway…I gave him this whole speech about how I was cookie dough. I don’t think he got it, but he shows up and I’m 16 all over. I can’t look at Angel and see anything except forever with him,” Buffy tried to explain.

“That’s supposed to be a good thing, isn’t it?” Willow asked with furrowed brow.

“Yeah…except…” Buffy hesitated, searching for the right words. “I was never all in with Riley. And Spike…let’s not go there. With Angel, I don’t know how to keep that distance. It’s all in or nothing. And I’m scared. If I go all in with Angel…again…I’ll get my heart broken….again. I can’t handle that. With someone else, maybe, but Angel doesn’t just break my heart, he grinds the pieces to dust and then grinds the dust. He doesn’t mean to…it’s just that I’m all in.”

“Maybe he won’t break your heart,” Willow offered with a glance to Buffy. The look on her best friend’s face was indescribable; actually, she knew exactly how to describe it. Buffy had Angel face. It’d been a long, long time since she’d seen that look.

“It’s Angel, Will…that’s what he does. He loves me…but he breaks my heart,” Buffy shook her head slightly, a smile curving the corners of her mouth up in spite of the words she spoke. She knew she was already all in, had been from the moment he kissed her, from the moment she’d met him, from the time she was 16. “He told me he’d wait.”

“He did?” Willow asked, her eyes going wide. For Angel, that was tantamount to a marriage proposal.

“Sort of. I told him I didn’t know how long it would take until I wasn’t cookie dough anymore. It could be years and he said he wasn’t getting any older,” Buffy smiled, looking at Willow from underneath her lashes for a reaction.

“Wow, Buffy…that’s really-wow.” Willow was cautious and hesitant but sounded genuinely happy for her friend.

“I was thinking…on our way back across the country…we might stop in LA,” Buffy started and stopped, gauging Willow’s reaction again.

“Wow…we could-I mean-yeah…we can totally stop in LA,” Willow answered, keeping her eyes fixed on the road as she drove.

“Do you mean that? Or is it a thing you’re saying because you think you need to?” Buffy asked.

“I don’t want to see you cry anymore, Buffy. If it makes you happy…really happy the way I’ve seen Angel make you, then I’m supporto gal,” Willow told her. The redhead looked over at her best friend with a smile.

Buffy took a deep breath, her smile growing wider as she watched Willow drive. “I’ve missed that…supporto gal.”

“She had a rough patch,” Willow admitted, “but she’s back and all in. She sorta missed you too.”


"If It Makes You Happy"- Sheryl Crow

I've been long, a long way from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos,
And drank til I was thirsty again
We went searching through thrift store jungles
Found Geronimo's rifle, Marilyn's shampoo
And Benny Goodman's corset and pen

Well, o.k. I made this up
I promised you I'd never give up

[Chorus]
If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

You get down, real low down
You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train
Well who hasn't been there before?
I come round, around the hard way
Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread
And serve you french toast again

Well, o.k. I still get stoned
I'm not the kind of girl you'd take home

[Chorus]

We've been far, far away from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos
And everywhere in between
Well, o.k. we get along
So what if right now everything's wrong?

[Chorus]