Stumble Into Grace

Summary: What if Angel had somehow known what was happening in Sunnydale with Glory? Rewrite of The Gift goes AR from there. Rated R.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Buffy, Angel or any of the others. If I did fanfic would not be a necessity, at least B/A fanfic because we would have the 2 hour Buffy Angel show every week. I also don’t the song Kelly Clarkson does and it’s called “Beautiful Disaster” Even the title is pure Angel. The minute I heard it I knew I had to write a fanfic using it. Every line is Angel and Buffy.

Spoilers: Uhm, I guess season 5 of BTVS which would be season 2 of Ats. This is set somewhere after Into the Woods and before The Body.

Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Eleven Twelve Thirteen

Fourteen Fifteen Sixteen Seventeen Eighteen Nineteen Twenty Twenty-One Twenty-two

Twenty-three Twenty-four Twenty-five Twenty-six Twenty-seven Twenty-eight Twenty-nine

Thirty Thirty-one Thirty-two Thirty-three Thirty-four Thirty-five Thirty-six

Thirty-seven Thirty-eight Thirty-nine Forty Forty-one Forty-two Forty-three

Forty-four Forty-five Forty-six Forty-seven Forty-eight Forty-nine Fifty

Chapter One

The Bronze is packed. Everyone is there to see Kelly Clarkson, the American Idol girl. I sit at a table with my mocha chino and my best friends, singing Miss Independent with Kelly. Riley can go to hell, I am Miss Independent. I certainly don’t need him in my life.

That little voice in the back of my head snickers. You need someone, it whispers. It knows I still miss him. I will always miss him like you miss a heart or a lung or a kidney, wait, you can actually live with only one of those. I guess it applies anyway, because you can’t live without at least one and I can’t live, really live, without one Angel, the one that currently resides in LA and is trying to make a life without me in it.

“She’s really good!” Willow screams over the music. I smile and nod my agreement.

Kelly moves from Miss Independent to a newer song, one I haven’t heard before even though Dawn has her album at home and plays it over and over and over, like the annoying little sister she is.

He drowns in his dreams

An exquisite extreme I know

He’s as damned as he seems

And more Heaven then a heart could hold

And if I try to save him

My whole world could cave in

It just ain’t right

I feel the familiar tickle on the back of my neck and I’m afraid to hope. I don’t turn around, I don’t breathe, afraid the feeling will go away. I am not surprised when I feel a cool hand on my bare shoulder. I’ve been waiting for him. I will always be waiting for him. I look up and he’s there, almost as if he’s always been there. He gives me that crooked grin that is mine alone and holds his hand out for me to take. I do not know where he is taking me, and it doesn’t matter. He leads me to the edge of the dance floor and pulls me close. We are dancing much slower then the song warrants but I don’t care. Maybe if we dance slow, time will cease to be.

Oh when I don’t know

I don’t know what he’s after

But he’s so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster?

He’s magical myth

As strong as I believe

A tragedy with

More damage then a soul should see

And I do try to change him

So hard not to blame him

Hold on tight

I bury my face in his chest and breathe in the clean scent of him. And I feel alive. I can feel the glow that starts in my heart and spreads outward. I only glow for him. I only breathe for him; my heart only beats for him. I ache for only him. I don’t ask why he’s here. It’s not important. He’s here.

Oh cuz I don’t know

I don’t know what he’s after

But he’s so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful

Or just a beautiful disaster?

I’m longing for love and the logical

But he’s only happy hysterical

I’m waiting for some kind of miracle

Waited so long

So long

I don’t ask if he’ll stay with me. I don’t want to know the answer. I exist in this moment and only this moment alone. He tilts my head up and kisses my lips and I want to die.

He’s soft to the touch

But frayed at the end he breaks

He’s never enough

And still he’s more then I can take

Oh cuz I don’t know

I don’t know what he’s after

But he’s so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful

Or just a beautiful disaster

He’s beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

He places his hand over my heart and his eyes cloud with tears. He walks away from me backwards, watching me, just like he did the night he disappeared into the smoke. I kiss my fingertips and blow him a kiss. He captures it and places it over his heart and then he is gone.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I wake up with a start. There are tears on my cheeks. I glance at my window sill, half expecting him to be sitting there. He’s not, he hasn’t been for a long time. I hug Mr. Gordo and cry myself back to sleep. I won’t tell anyone about this dream. I have these kinds of dreams far too often and they are never prophecy dreams. They are just remnant of excruciating pain and hope I keep locked tightly behind the mask I show the world.

Chapter Two

Angel

Disclaimer: The song is by Garbage. It’s called “#1 Crush” I don’t own it, I didn’t write it and I’m sure as heck not gonna sing it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I stand on the catwalk at the Bronze, looking down on the throngs of teenagers. I watch her. I always watch her. She is dancing with her friends and she’s smiling. They don’t see the cracks in her smile, but I do. Maybe it’s because I’ve lived so long and they are so young, or maybe it’s because she’s my soul’s mate.

I don’t recognize the band playing, but then my music tastes lean more towards Mozart and Bach. The band takes a short break. She and her friends sit down at a table near the edge of the dance floor. She gets a puzzled look on her face and starts looking around the room. I know she’s felt me. She finally looks up and her eyes meet mine. She lights up. I could love her for that reason alone. When she looks at me she glows and I see a reflection of myself, how she sees me, in her. I walk down the steps to meet her.

We don’t need words. We step into each other’s arms. I am complete and I wonder how I live without this every day. The band takes up their instruments again and she pulls me onto the dance floor.

I would die for you

I’ve been dying just to feel you by my side

I will cry for you

I will wash away your pain with all your tears

And drown your fear

I will pray for you

I will sell my soul for something pure and true

Someone like you

See your face every place that I walk in

Hear your voice every time that I’m talking

You will believe in me

And I will never be ignored.

I remember a night she danced with Xander like this, to make me jealous, and it had worked, very well. It hadn’t been hard though. I am jealous even now of the people who get to be in her life, by her side. I am jealous of Xander and Willow because they get to see her in the sunlight. I am jealous of Giles because he has a reason to see her everyday. I am jealous of every single human in this city, because she is there with them and not with me. Most of all I am jealous of GI Joe, who is noticeably absent tonight, because he gets to touch her. He gets to kiss her and he gets to make love to her, all without worrying about losing his soul and destroying the world.

She wraps her little hands around my neck and grinds her hips against mine. Her lips find the hollow in my throat and I groan involuntarily.

I will burn for you

Feel pain for you

I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart

And tear it apart

I will lie for you

Beg and steal for you

I will crawl on hands and knees until you see

You’re just like me

She smiles at me and I open my mouth to tell her to stop. She places a finger over my mouth and shakes her head. She continues to rub against me, running her hands all over my body, like liquid fire. I never even feel him sneak up on me. He takes control and I watch helplessly as he rips her throat out, drinking down her blood.

I would die for you

I would kill for you

I would steal for you

I’d do time for you

I will wait for you

I’d make room for you

I’d steal ships for you

Just to be close to you

To be part of you

‘Cause I believe in you

I believe in you

I would die for you

As the song ends, he lets her body fall to the floor. I cry out in protest but he squelches my cries. He walks out of the Bronze, but no one notices the small, blond, dead slayer on the dance floor.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I awake with her name, a strangled scream, in my throat. I am in my room in the Hyperion. The heavy drapes block out the sunlight. Everything is very quiet. Cordelia and the others must be out. I pick up the phone and dial the number I have memorized. She answers.

“Hello?”

I just listen, unable to hang to up.

“Hello? Is anyone there?”

I want to say something, but there is nothing left to say, nothing she doesn’t know. I would only hurt her again.

“Angel?”

I hang up.

Chapter Three

Disclaimer: The song belongs to Michelle Branch. It’s called “It’s You.

-Buffy-

The Bronze has relocated to a roof top for their big New Year’s Eve bash. Michelle Branch is singing. I think there is supposed to be a comet shower or something tonight hence the rooftop party. In any case, all my friends are here. I didn’t want to come, but Willow insisted and gave me her resolve face, so what’s a girl to do.

I sit on a skylight and watch everyone else dancing. I miss having someone to dance with, even more I miss having THE someone to dance with. It’s odd, I can tell you when Angel left me, 1 year, 5 months, 2 weeks, 6 days and at this exact moment 6 hours and 22 minutes ago, I don’t know how long ago Riley left. It couldn’t have been more then a couple of weeks ago though. Willow and Xander think I’m upset about Riley. And it makes me mad. I wasn’t allowed to grieve when Angel left me. I was expected to be happy because in Xander’s words “The train of Buffy causing Misery has just left Sunnydale”. Yet when Riley leaves, I am allowed to grieve. It doesn’t make sense. Riley was a convenience, a sweet boy but not even enough to be a replacement. Angel was my everything, my breath, my heart, my soul, my destiny. Are there any other words I can use to describe the love of my life? Because I think I pretty much used them all up crying in my diary.

Xander and Anya are dancing. He waggles his eyebrows at me as they pass my seat. I try to smile for his sake. Tara and Willow are involved in a deep conversation with some of the people from their Wicca group. And Buffy is left to spend New Year’s Eve alone, oh God, could I sound any more pathetic.

I’m just looking for a way to sneak away without Xander or Willow seeing me when I feel it. The heat rushes through my body and I know He’s here. My eyes tear up. How can he always know when I need him the most? How could he know how much I was dreading starting this year without him? A cold hand enfolds mine. I look up into soulful brown eyes and I smile. He kisses me before I can say a word and my entire world explodes.

You think it’s a metaphor, I know. I thought I was seeing things too. But the sky exploded. It rained fire and comets and the air was filled with smoke, but no one noticed. I start to say something and Angel covers my mouth with his.

Michelle Branch is still singing.

If tomorrow never comes

I would want just one thing

I would sell it to the stars and the sun

I would write it for the world to see

Oh it’s you

The light changes when you’re in the room

Oh it’s you, oh it’s you

The slayer in me tells me I need to do something. I’ve got to stop whatever is happening. The rest of me wants to die in his arms tonight. He doesn’t seem particularly worried about the fire or the comets. He just touches my face, as if he can’t believe I’m real. End of the world, be damned, there’s no where else I’d rather die.

If tomorrow never comes

I would want just one wish

To kiss your quiet mouth

And trace your steps with my fingertips

It’s you

The light changes when you’re in the room

Oh it’s you, oh it’s you

I watch as everything around me burns to ash and I think finally I can rest in the arms of my angel. Finally it’s over and I’m not the slayer anymore or even Buffy anymore, I’m just his. That’s all I’ve ever really wanted to be anyway.

Oh it’s you

Oooh it’s you…

He pulls me into the shelter of his embrace and covers me with his duster. We start to burn but it doesn’t hurt. It feels like a release. He kisses me and we both burn to ash, nothing more then vampire dust. Maybe that’s all either of us were to begin with.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I awake with a start. There are tears in my eyes, but I’m not ash. A wall of panic hits me. I’ve always known that if something happened to Angel I would know. My soul would feel his leave this place. Tears come fresh and hot to my eyes. I know its 4am. I don’t care. I pick up the phone and dial the number I have memorized. He must get a lot of early morning calls because he picks up on the second ring.

“Angel Investigations, this is Angel.”

I can’t help it. I cover the mouthpiece of the phone and break into sobs. It’s his voice, that velvety half sleepy bedroom voice I love so much.

“Hello? Is there something wrong?”

I can’t even talk I’m crying so hard. He doesn’t seem ruffled by a hysterical woman calling him in the middle of the night. I wonder if he gets a lot of them. That makes me sob harder.

“Buffy,”

The tears just come faster and hotter. I’d forgotten how he said my name. No one says my name like Angel. I can’t do this. If I talk to him now, I’ll want more. I found out what I needed to. He’s alive.

I hang up the phone.

Chapter Four

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything, at all, including the song here. It belongs to Sarah McLachlan and it called “Do what you have to Do.”

-Angel-

I’m watching her again at the Bronze. This time it’s empty. It’s closed for its annual fumigation. She’s here to fumigate the vamps that have decided to nest here. When the Bronze reopens they will have an all you can eat buffet, or so they think. There are only two of them and they are young vamps. She can take them so I stand back on the catwalk and watch. That’s the only place I have left in her life, maybe the only place I ever really had, apart from her, watching.

I notice she does not taunt them with her usual puns and witty quips. She is completely silent in her stalking. Something is bothering her. It hurts that our lives are so separate that I don’t know what it is. I face the pain alone though, I chose this. I had noble intentions, sure, but I still made the choice.

I can see one of the vamps, the lackey of the two, hiding in the shadows. He jumps from his hiding spot and catches her from behind. She flips him over her shoulder and onto his back with ease. He is dust before he ever has a chance to call out. She stalks the other one with the same seriousness as the first.

The leader of the two is a bit wiser. He recognizes her for the challenge she is, a challenge that will prove to much for him, but he doesn’t know this. He runs at her with a haymaker, she ducks underneath it and comes up with a strong jab to his solar plexus. He grunts and she stakes him before he has a chance to recover from her jab.

Music starts playing from somewhere as I walk down the catwalk to her. She smiles at me. The worries and troubles marring her beautiful face melt away. I can still see weariness in her eyes. She’s not sleeping well.

I envelop her in my arms and begin swaying almost imperceptibly with the music.

What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage

Created you a monster, broken by the rules of love

And fate has led you through it; you do what you have to do

Oh, and fate has led you through it, you do what you have to do

But I have the sense to recognize

That I don’t know how to let you go

I’ve got to stop meeting her like this. I know it will only hurt her in the end. I’ll only have to let her go. But right now she feels so right in my arms. I feel whole and alive in a way I haven’t since leaving Sunnydale. I’ll just have this one dance and then I’ll leave, never to return to her. It’s what I have to do and you do the things you have to do.

Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul

I’m ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire

The yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do

Oh, the yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do

But I have a sense to recognize

That I don’t know how to let you go

And that I don’t know how to let you go

It starts with a pinpoint of light glowing blue white. It grows silently behind her. It’s too soon I want to cry out. It’s not enough time! I lean down and gently kiss her lips. My soul screams.

Glowing ember, burning hot and burning slow

Deep within, I’m shaken by the violence of existing for only you

I know I can’t be with you; I do what I have to do

Oh, I know I can’t be with you; I do what I have to do.

But I have the sense to recognize

But I don’t know how to let you go

Don’t know how to let you go

She closes her eyes and leans into the kiss, a smile on her lips as she pulls away. I shove the long silver sword through her. It slices clean, like butter. Her eyes fly open and she looks at me. There is complete love and trust in her eyes. She presses her fingers to her lips and blows me one last kiss before the portal behind her devours her. I stand and stare at the place she had been standing; tears are running down my face. I drop the sword.

I don’t know how

To let you go

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The saltiness of my tears on the pillow wakes me up. I scrub my face with my hands. This is getting completely out of control. Twice in one week I have had dreams of Buffy. This is not entirely unusual. I often dream of her. But there is something about these dreams that is different. They have texture and substance and for some reason I feel like I’m meeting her in my dreams. I am almost certain the woman crying on the phone the other night was Buffy. She hung up when I said her name, but so did I when I called her.

I get up and jump into a hot shower, hoping the steam will burn away the dream and I can go back to not living the life I have here in LA.

Chapter Five

A/N This and the next few chapters will be written around and through the various episodes of season 5. This one is written around the events of Blood Ties.

-Buffy-

I wake up with a strangled gasp, my hand flies to my stomach. It doesn’t hurt. I pull my hand away. There is no blood, but I was certain. I felt it. I sit up and try to rubs the traces of sleep from my mind. I’m not sure exactly what I felt. I don’t remember a dream, or seeing anything. I wrinkle my forehead. I didn’t dream but I remember the feeling of something sharp running all the way through me and that familiar exciting tickle tingle that means Angel is near. It’s like my spidey sense, but a thousand times more.

I sigh and flop back down on my bed. I’ve been dreaming about Angel, which ok is an every night occurrence, but these are different dreams. They are almost like prophecy dreams, but not. Besides, I think he and I are doing the whole calling and hanging up on each other thing.

I get up and brush my teeth and shower. I check out my stomach in the mirror. There is nothing marking it, not even a red spot but it still feels tender, almost like an old phantom pain might. I try to shake off the feeling and go downstairs for breakfast. I grab a glass of OJ and a bagel. I have training with Giles later and he’s been hypersensitive about it with the whole Glory thing, not to mention the whole reinstatement to the Watchers Council thing.

Mom walks in the kitchen dressed to go to the gallery. She leans over and kisses my head.

“Happy Birthday, Sweetheart.” She smiles at me and I groan.

“Oh, Mom, I was hoping everyone would forget and we could just pretend I didn’t have one of those this year.”

Mom laughs. “Of course we can’t forget your birthday. You’re only twenty. You can’t possibly be tired of birthdays yet.”

Mom has been severely sheltered against the hell that is my birthday, starting with my 16^th, my first birthday as the chosen one.

“What have you got planned today?” She asks me.

I shrug. “Not much really. I’ve got training with Giles and then the party thing here.”

“Meet me for lunch and we’ll have an afternoon of shopping.” Mom says.

I smile. “Okay, shopping is good.”

“I thought that might lift your spirits. I’ve got to go; I’m running late, again. I’ll see you at noon.” She pecks me on the cheek and runs out the door. The house is quiet. Dawn has already gone to school.

I walk into the Magic Box. Willow is there bent over a table full of books. She looks up and smiles when I come in.

“Happy birthday, Buffy!”

“I really wish everyone would quit saying that.” I grumble. “I’m sorry; Will, but you know what my birthdays are like.”

“Maybe this one will be okay.” She says, trying to sound optimistic.

I just look at her. “I don’t think so.”

“Did something happen?” her voice is instantly filled with worry.

I shake my head. “No, not really. Well, maybe. I don’t know.”

“Ok, spill.” She closes the book she is reading and fixes her gaze on me.

I sit down at the table with a sigh. “You’ve got to promise not to tell anyone.”

“Cross my heart.” She makes an x over her heart.

I lean my elbows on the table and put my head in my hands. “I’ve been having dreams about Angel.”

Willow looks perplexed. “But you do that sometimes.”

“These are different. I don’t know how to describe them. I’m always at the Bronze and he just shows up out of no where. He dances with me. We never say a word, not hello, not good bye not even how are you doing. The last one was even weirder. It was like the apocalypse outside and Angel and I both burned to ash.” I avoid looking at her. “I called him, to make sure he was okay.”

“Did you tell him about the dreams?” Willow asks

I shake my head. “No, I hung up on him.”

“Do you think it was a prophecy dream?” She is already looking for books on dreams.

“I don’t think so, but it wasn’t a regular dream of Angel dream either, it had more realness to it. I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense.”

“Maybe it’s tied to Glory?” She offers, trying to help.

“I don’t think so. I don’t know, Will. It’s got me creeped out though. I almost feel like he’s sharing my dreams, but not. This morning something happened, sort of. I woke up with this sharp pain in my stomach. I could feel some cold and steel run all the way through me but there was no mark, no blood and hey look, not dead.”

Willow knits her brows together in thought. “I’ll do some research on dreams, see what I can find.”

“Thanks Will. It’s probably nothing, just another chapter in the freaky life of me.”

Well, my birthday didn’t disappoint this year. Although, I’ve got to say, my sister slashing her wrists ranks right up there with Angel turning evil. Oh, Dawn is ok, at least physically. Mentally, I don’t know. I figure finding out you’re a key that a hell goddess wants can mess you up pretty bad.

I sit outside on the roof next to my window. He didn’t call today. I don’t know why I expected him to, some girlish idea that we’re sharing dreams. I wonder if he remembers it’s my birthday or if I’m just an ex he doesn’t even stop to consider anymore. Tears burn my eyes and I pinch the bridge of my nose trying to stave them off. I leap from the roof and land silently in a crouch on the ground. I need to pummel something.

Chapter Six

Disclaimer: I don’t own the song. It belongs to Course of Nature and is called “Caught in the Sun”

-Angel-

I sit in the dark of my basement. This is where I should be, under the ground hiding from the light. I am brooding, about blondes. If it’s not one it’s the other. I understand why I can’t get Darla out of my mind. I had her. She wanted to be saved. She had a clean slate, a brand new start. Then they got her. She didn’t want it, this disease called immortality. She couldn’t resist though. You think you can, you think you’re strong enough, but you aren’t, no one is.

It’s her birthday today, not Darla’s, the other blond. I wonder what she’s doing to celebrate. I hope her birthdays have gotten better since I left. That was my reason for leaving of course, so she could have a better life. I look down at my sketch and am not surprised to find I have drawn her, sitting beside my fireplace in the mansion, bent over her homework. My chest contracts, it still hurts after so much time. Everyone says it fades, but it doesn’t. You just learn how to look away from the pain, most of the time.

I consider calling her, just to hear her voice, to know she’s doing okay. I can’t forget the sound of that woman crying on the phone the other night. My heart tells me it was Buffy, my head tells me that’s impossible. I left Buffy so she could have a better life, not so she could call me in the middle of the night crying.

My first thought is that Solider Boy hurt her. The urge to hunt him down like a fox and tear him to pieces with my teeth is almost uncontrollable. If he has hurt her, I hope he has the good sense to flee the country and stay there, for the rest of his natural life. I don’t know why she’d call me crying instead of talking to Willow, or her Mom or Giles or even Xander. I’m not a part of her life anymore, just like she’s not a part of mine. Yeah, right. I crumble up the sketch of her and throw it across the room.

I saved the world tonight, or at least LA. After all this time living among humans, it still shocks me the lengths they will go to in the name of love. This guy was going to suspend the woman he supposedly loved in time, so that he would never lose her. I wanted to strangle him, slowly. I let go of the only thing in my unnaturally long life I have ever loved, so that she could have a happier life. Gene didn’t care if the woman he supposedly loved would happy in her suspended animation. He just wanted to make sure she never left him. That’s not love, or at least that’s not what I feel for Buffy. Sometimes I think what I feel for her is more then love, if there is such a thing. It is my fondest wish that I get my shanshu, I will be human and I can go to Buffy, marry her, and give her children and picnics at the beach. But she deserves to have those things always, even if I am not the one giving them to her.

I’m rambling, I know. I’m trying to keep myself from getting in my car and driving to Sunnydale as fast I can. If I just keep it up until sunrise I’ll be okay. The battle will start all over again when the sun goes down.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I go to her again. She needs me. I some how know this inside. The Bronze is deserted, except for the band playing on stage. Everything is dusty, as if no one has been here in a very long time. She is standing in the middle of the deserted dance floor crying. I do the only thing I know how to do; I wrap her up inside of me.

You’re my disentranced destination of choice

I’d give anything just to hear your voice

I couldn’t pass you on the street

Without saying hello

Most times I missed the voice

That goes unheard

What if I missed you

You got caught in the sun

What if I did something

To never be enough

People everywhere how could I be sure

Is it you that I have been looking for

What would it take for me to be comfortable

With you, with me, you’re the chosen one.

She sobs into my chest and I ache. When she hurts she uses her entire being. Her pain is a tangible thing. She has never known how to do anything half way that includes hurt. I want to take her away from this, away from whatever is making her cry, but I know I can’t leave this place with her.

What if I missed you

You got caught in the sun

What if I did something

To never be enough

You are there for me, this I hope and pray

You will wait for me, I won’t be too late

What if I missed you

You got caught in the sun

What if I did something

To never be enough

She looks up at me and touches my face. She tiptoes and kisses me firmly on the mouth. She tastes salty from crying and her pain is palatable. She places a finger over my lips to seal the kiss. The air around me whispers,

“Forever, that’s the whole point.”

She bursts into ash before me.

Will you wait for me

Or will I be to late this time

You are there for me, this I hope and pray

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wake up with a start. I am still sitting in my chair. The sketch before me is of Buffy, standing forlorn in an empty Bronze.

Chapter Seven

A/N: This chapter is written around and through the episode Forever. A lot of the action and dialogue in forever I have embellished with my version of Buffy’s thoughts and feelings. The things that I took directly from the episode I have marked with ~’s. Thanks to Buffyworld.com for such clear transcripts. Marti Noxon wrote the beautiful dialogue in this episode.

-Buffy-

I don’t know why I’m still standing here. I don’t have anywhere to go and if I leave now I have to face life without her. I don’t know how to do that. How do I go on doing the daily things in life? I don’t even know what the daily things in life are. Mom always took care of the mundane. All I had to worry about was slaying and school. Now there’s so much more, and I don’t think I can do it.

~ “I’m sorry I couldn’t come sooner”~

I nod. Tears threaten to overtake me. If I start crying now I don’t think I’ll ever stop. I slip my hand in his. His cool touch is comforting. It gives me strength, just like it always has.

“It means a lot that you came.” My voice sounds cold, foreign to me. I sound exactly the way I did when I told the cousins from Indiana that it meant a lot that they came. Only I mean it with Angel. It means the world that he came. It means that we’re not as far apart as I was afraid. It means that maybe one day there will be a place in the world for me and him.

“How did you know?” I ask. Willow must have called him. She’s the only one that would think to call him.

“I didn’t. I didn’t know that your Mom had died. I’m sorry. I just knew you needed me.” He says.

“Thank you.” I sway on my feet as I say it. Angel steadies me with a hand on my hip.

“Why don’t we sit down?” he gently guides me over to a tree near Mom’s grave.

We sit and I lean back against his broad chest. His arms wrap around me and rest on my stomach. This feels right, it feels like it used to. I sigh just basking in the security being in his arms gives me. He kisses the top of my head.

“I know it’s hard.” He says somberly. I’m grateful he didn’t ask how I was doing. Everyone else asks that and I want to scream, how do you think I’m doing? How can you think I’d be capable of doing anything but existing right now?

~”The funeral was-it was brutal, but it’s tomorrow that I’m worried about.”~ I say in answer.

~ “What’s tomorrow?” ~ He asks. I can feel his breath in my ear as he speaks and somehow it’s comforting.

~ “That’s exactly what I don’t know. Up until now, I- I’ve had a road map. Things to do every minute, having to do with Mom.” ~

~ “Tomorrow the stuff of everyday living resumes.” ~ He says.

~ “And everyone expects me to know how to do it, because I’m so strong.” ~ My tone is sarcastic and bitter. I know it but I can’t help it.

~ “You just need some time. I’m sure everyone understands that.” ~ He tries to reassure me.

~ “Time’s not the issue. I can stick wood in vampires but Mom was always the strong one in real life. She always knew how to make things better-just what to say.” ~

~ “Yeah-you’ll find your way. I mean not all at once but-“~

I shake my head, interrupting him. ~ “I don’t know. I keep thinking about it-when I found her. If I’d just gotten there ten minutes earlier-“ ~

~ “Doesn’t make it your fault. You couldn’t have done anything different.” ~ He assures me.

I sigh. ~ “I didn’t even start CPR until they told me. I fell apart. That’s how good I am at being a grown up.” ~

~”Buffy,”~

I could drown in the way he says my name. I don’t have time for drowning or any thing else. I can’t pretend to be just a girl anymore with childish worries and ambitions. I’m no one’s little girl anymore. That hits me like a ton of bricks and I push through it and over it because I don’t want to dissolve into tears right here in his arms.

~ “And it’d be okay if it was just me I had to worry about. But Dawn-“ ~

~ “Look, its okay. I know you don’t feel like it right now but you are strong, Buffy. You’re going to figure this out. And you have people to help you. You don’t have to do this alone.” ~

But I don’t have you, I want to scream. ‘You’re here now but you’re going to leave me again and do you know it kills me a little more every time you leave.’ I can’t though. I can’t pile that guilt on him because it wouldn’t be worth it if he stayed just because of guilt.

~ “It’s gonna be light soon.” ~ I say looking up at the sky.

~ “I can stay in town for as long as you want me.” ~ His voice is soft and filled with wanting things we can’t have.

~ “How’s forever? Does forever work for you?”~ I look up at him and sigh. I sit up and turn to look at him. ~ “That’s a bad idea. I’m seriously needy right now.” ~ As if I’m not always needy when it comes to him. I can never get enough of needing him.

~ “Let me worry about the neediness. I can handle it.” ~ He looks intently at me and I can see complete love in his eyes. The way he looks at me hasn’t changed, not since the day I met him in a back alley near the Bronze.

I lean in and kiss him. The world just fades away. There is nothing but me and Angel and this kiss, this moment. He tastes just the way I remember and I wonder how I’ve lived without this. His lips explode every nerve ending in my body and the only thoughts I can process are want and need. I know he feels it too, because he pulls away the same moment I do. I can’t catch my breath.

~ “I told you. You better go.”~ My voice is filled with regret and longing. A part of me hopes he’ll protest and say No I’m staying, for the rest of your life.

~ “I’m sorry.”~ His voice is filled with regret also.

~ “No. I’m so grateful that you came, Angel. I didn’t think I was gonna be able to make it through the night.” ~

~ “Well, we still have a few more minutes before I have to go.”~ He looks up at the sky.

~ “Good.”~ I lay back against him. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and no matter what has happened or what will happen, this is good. This is right. ~ “Good.”~

We sit quietly, not saying anything and that’s okay. I just want to hold onto this moment. I know it will have to last me a long time, maybe for the rest of my life.

He left when the sun rose. I didn’t ask where he was going to spend the day, probably the mansion. If I go there it will only mean we’ll have to say goodbye again and I really can’t handle that right now. I’m still in a seriously needy frame of mind. I lay down on the bed. I just want to sleep for the rest of my life. Maybe if I go to sleep now, Angel will wake me with a kiss and tell me he’s here to take me away on his white horse, just like Sleeping Beauty. I drift off to sleep trying to hold that image in my mind.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The moon above me is full. I’m sitting next to her grave. I don’t know why I came back here. I guess I’m hoping to avoid life in general. I don’t want her to be alone either. I don’t want anyone to be alone. I don’t want me to be alone. And then I’m not. He’s there. His fingers wrap around mine and I smile at him.

“Neat how that works. I wish for you, and here you are.”

He looks at me with such sadness my heart jumps into my throat. I need him so much I need him to reaffirm my life, my love. I need him to reaffirm me. Someone is playing a radio somewhere and I lean back into him and let him fill me up completely.

This world don’t give you nothing it can’t take away

Everybody holding onto something

Nobody wants to fade away

No forgiveness in this town

I left my patience at the traffic light

There’s no denying I almost lost it

Threw in the towel, to tired to fight

Tonight I need you

More then yesterday

Tonight I need you

I kiss him softly, breathing him in. I try not to demand, not to want more. I try to let this kiss just be. I don’t fill it with hope or longing of things I can’t have because then it’s going to hurt when he leaves. I’m tired of hurting.

Take me, touch me, hold me like you mean it

Make me come alive

Hurt me, heal me, come and make me feel it

Rescue me tonight

Love me back to life

These days I’d trade sight for feeling

There are days my feelings gone

Can’t figure out whose life I’m living

I don’t know right from wrong

When I lost my faith

You found it and gave it back to me

There’s a new light on your halo; it took blind eyes to see

That I need you

More then yesterday

Yeah, I need you.

He pulls me close, breathing in my scent and I sigh with bliss. I close my eyes and lean into him. I just need to rest for a little while and he is my shelter in the storm. He picks me up, cradling me like a child. I close my eyes and listen to his silent chest. I don’t care where he takes me, as long as it isn’t here.

Take me, touch me, hold me like you mean it

Make me come alive

Hurt me, heal me come and make me feel it

Rescue me tonight

Love me back to life.

Take me, touch me , hold me like you mean it

Make me come alive

Hurt me, heal me, come and make me feel it

Rescue me tonight

Love me back to life

He lays me down on something soft. He looks at me with infinite sadness in his eyes. Tears gather there. He kisses my forehead gently and steps away. I smile at him, watching him. I don’t even see the coffin lid, until it closes.

Love me back to life

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wake myself up screaming. It’s dark outside. I must have been asleep for hours. Angel is gone by now, back to LA. Its time to resume the stuff of everyday living, which means going downstairs and making sure Dawn has something to eat for dinner.

Chapter Eight

A/N Ok for my purposes Ats season 2 ends at Dead End. They never went to Pylea they never found out about Fred. Cordy never became a princess etc etc. Personally, I loved the Pylea eps but I’m thoroughly convinced as a diehard B/A’er they were just done to get Angel out of this dimension because we all know that if he was here he would have known Buffy needed him. J

Disclaimer: The song doesn’t belong to me, neither do Buffy or Angel. If they did we’d have the 2 hour weekly Buffy and Angel show. The song belongs to Sara Evans “No Place that Far.” The other song is “Mandy” by Barry Manilow.

-Angel-

I walk onto the construction site. The moonlight makes the scaffolding and half finished buildings look like ruins from some ancient society. It’s an odd place to meet her, but she was the one who wanted to meet here, at least I’m pretty sure she was. She walks down the stairs of a large tower and holds her hands out to me. I take her hands in mine. They are icy cold. It’s not right. Her hands are always so hot to me. There are purple black circles under her eyes and the moonlight makes her skin look death pale. She looks like she hasn’t slept or eaten in days. Its to be expected, I suppose, with her Mom’s death. I take my duster off and wrap it around her. She shivers a little and snuggles up to me. I can feel how cold she is through the coat.

I can’t imagine any greater fear

Then waking up without you here

And though the sun would still shine on

My whole world would all be gone

But not for long

If I had to run, if I had to crawl

If I had to swim a hundred rivers, just to climb a thousand walls

Always know that I would find a way, to get to where you are

There’s no place that far.

I bend to kiss her, but she puts her hand over my mouth. Tears gather in her eyes and spill down her cheeks. Her fingers are ice against my lips. I don’t understand what’s happening. I don’t know why she wanted to meet me here, a construction site, of all places. She looks up to the top of the tower and back down at me.

It wouldn’t matter why we’re apart

Lonely minds or two stubborn hearts

Nothing short of God above

Could turn me away from your love

I need you that much

If I had to run, if I had to crawl

If I had to swim a hundred rivers, just to climb a thousand walls

Always know that I would find a way to get to where you are

There’s no place that far

She turns to leave, still wrapped in my black leather duster. She walks back up the tower stairs. I watch her disappear. I turn to leave. There is a broken bag of dry concrete mix. Someone has written in it. My soul shudders in response to the message.

Save me

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wake up with a two ton weight on my chest, at least it feels that way. I’ve got to tell someone about these dreams or they are going to drive me crazy. I glance at the clock. I’ve got a couple of hours until sunrise. If I hurry I can get to Caritas and back before it gets light.

I toss on black pants and a charcoal sweater. I’m usually very organized, a neat freak Cordy has even said. I look all over the apartment and in all the closets. I can’t find my black leather duster. I flee to Caritas.

The green skinned demon answers the door quickly. He is just cleaning up the club for the night.

“Angelcakes! What brings you here this close to sunrise?” Lorne asks.

“I don’t know if you can help me, Lorne but there’s something wrong. I’ve been having dreams about a girl.” I quickly drain the Irish whiskey Lorne set in front of me.

“Buffy?” He asks.

“You can see her, when you read me I mean?” I’m surprised. He’s never mentioned Buffy before.

“Angelcakes, darling, I saw her the first night you sang ‘Mandy’. I’ve seen her every time after that. She’s just never been important to your reading, so I didn’t mention it. Love of your unnaturally long life and all that, there’s a lot of pain around her too.” Lorne says, filling my whiskey glass again.

“Yeah, there’s always that when we’re around each other.” I sip at the whiskey, taking a moment to gather my thoughts. “I’ve had 4 dreams about her in as many weeks. In the first one it was me with her and then all the sudden Angelus was there. He killed her. In the second one I ran her through with a sword, in the third one she turned to ash. Tonight, I think she was already dead. Someone had written Save Me in the concrete mix and I can’t find my leather duster.”

“Ok, slow down. It’s really better if I just see it. Want to sing something for me, Sweetlips?”

This is the part of seeing Lorne I dreaded, at least there’s no one here except Lorne and I don’t have to actually get on stage. I start singing ‘Mandy’. It’s one I know by heart and it also reminds me of Buffy. I hope he’ll get a stronger reading because of it. Lorne actually lets me get through the entire song. He shakes his head and looks confused when I’m done.

“There’s definitely something wrong. I can’t get a reading on it. I see the dreams, and they would creep me out too but when I try to focus on Buffy, I just get static.” He tries to explain.

If I had blood, it would have all drained out of my face. “Like with the guy who wanted to freeze his girlfriend in time so she wouldn’t leave?”

“No, nothing like that. It’s like interference on the TV. There’s a picture but you can’t see it for all the static.”

“So she’s not going to die?” I’m looking for straight answers here.

“I honestly don’t know.”

Lorne’s lack of an answer is enough to send me into total panic. “I’ve got to go. I’ve got to get to Sunnydale.”

“Angelcakes, the sun rises in twenty minutes. If you hurry you’ll be able to get back to your hotel before you turn into the contents of an ashtray.”

I pace the hotel and check the clock every ten minutes. A day has never seemed so long. I go up to my room and sit in my chair. I try to read Whitman, he always relaxes me. I’ve already packed a bag. I don’t know how long I’ll be needed in Sunnydale, if I’m needed at all.

It’s raining ice cold. I’m standing beside an open grave and the rain has turned the entire cemetery to mud. She walks up beside me. She’s wearing a whisper of a white dress. It’s much to cold out here for a dress like that. She pulls me close and kisses my cheek. She’s cold to the touch.

I remember all my life

Raining down cold as ice

Shadows of a man

A face through a window, cryin in the night

The night goes into

Morning, just another day

Happy people pass my way

Looking in their eyes

I see a memory I never realized

How happy you made me

Oh Mandy, well

You came and you gave without taking

But I sent you away

Oh Mandy well

Kissed me and stopped me from shaking

And I need you today, Oh Mandy

She picks my black leather duster off the ground. She takes a white rose from wreath near the head of the grave and tucks it inside the pocket of my duster. She drapes the coat over my arm and looks at me as if memorizing every line on my face. Tears fall from her beautiful eyes and mix with the rain.

I’m standing on the edge of time

I’ve walked away when love was mine

Caught up in a world of uphill climbing

The tears are in my mind

And nothing in the rhyming

Oh Mandy, well

You came and you gave without taking

But I sent you away

Oh Mandy well

Kissed me and stopped me from shaking

And I need you today, Oh Mandy.

She takes a deep breath and walks to the edge of the empty grave. She glances over her shoulder at me and then jumps. I stumble to the edge of the grave, grasping at her. I fall to my knees and watch as she falls into a bottomless hole.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wake up and grab the arm of the chair. I feel like I’m falling down. I’ve got to get to Sunnydale, if it’s not dark yet I’ll have Wes drive me. I can hide under a blanket in the backseat until nightfall. I grab my bag and stop, frozen in my tracks. My duster is draped over the arm of a chair. I pick it up. It’s wet. There’s a white rose tucked in the inside pocket.

Chapter Nine

-Angel-

The edge of the horizon is still pink with sunset when I get into the car. I curse the traffic going out of LA. Some one has had a wreck on the 405 and traffic is at a standstill. I want to scream. Don’t they understand I might already to be too late? My cell phone vibrates against my chest. I dig in my inside jacket pocket and pull it out.

“What?” I snap

“Well, it’s nice to see you’re full of good cheer this evening. We were supposed to meet at the hotel and discuss Mr. Richardson’s case. We’re all here, your not.” Cordelia said.

“Cordy, I’m not going to be there. The rest of you can take care of his case.” I’m looking for a hole to squeeze the GTX through.

“And where are you Mr. shove-my-cases-off-on-my-associates?” Cordelia asks in her superior tone of voice.

“I am sitting in traffic on the 405, trying to get out of LA.”

“Oh, God, you’re going to Sunnyhell. What did our Little Buffy stub her toe and she needs her big strong Angel to come save her? Just call and tell them to put the impending apocalypse off for a couple of hours. She can’t call you every time something in her crappy little life goes wrong. You live here now and we need-“

I hang up on her and dial the Summers’ home. The phone rings several times before the machine picks up. Joyce’s voice is still on the answering machine. I hang up because what kind of message do you leave in this situation. The Magic Box is the next place on my list to call. Xander picks up the phone.

“Xander, its Angel. Is Buffy there?”

“She’s a little busy right now, Angel. She’s got a hell god that wants to kill her sister so you’ll excuse me if I don’t give her the phone. She doesn’t need you to worry about too.” He hangs up on me.

I crush the phone in my hand, reducing it to little more then plastic and some wires.

It’s nearly ten o’ clock before I get out of LA proper. Every idiot with a driver’s license and probably quite a few without them are on the road tonight. I push the gas pedal all the way to the floor on the GTX. There is a chanting between my ears whispering too late, too late, too late. If I get stopped by a policeman I will be sorely tempted to crush his skull between my hands and leave him beside the road. Xander said Dawn was the one in trouble but I know it’s Buffy that’s going to end up paying the price. She’ll protect Dawn with her life.

I am finally within the Sunnydale city limits and I want to weep. It’s nearly midnight. I can’t be too late. I drive by the Magic Box first. It’s locked up tight and all the lights are out. The last time I was in Sunnydale was more of a get in get out kind of deal. I didn’t have a chance to look around for construction sites, which is I’m almost certain where I need to be. As if in answer to my quandary, a white blue portal rips through the black night. It looks like the one in my dream. If I had a heart that beat it would have stopped. I start driving again, keeping my eye on the portal. I duck as a dragon flies over my head. I slam on the brakes; the GTX squeals and fishtails, sliding to a halt just before plummeting into a deep crack in the road. I get out and start running.

The light is so bright I don’t see her at first. She is exactly where she showed me she would be, at the very top of a tower that must be 50 stories high, it’s just above the portal. All the dreams make sense now. I scream her name as she takes a beautiful swan dive into the portal.

Oh God, she’s falling. She’s falling and everyone is just standing around. She can’t hit the ground. No human, even a slayer, can survive a fall like that. She falls into my arms; the force of the fall drives both of us to the ground.

She’s alive, but just barely. I can very faintly hear the thread of her pulse but it’s getting weaker by the second. Even if there was an ambulance here, I don’t think they could do anything for her.

I can’t let her die. She is my light in the darkness. She makes eternity easier just knowing she’s alive somewhere in this world. This isn’t supposed happen. I don’t have prophecy dreams in which she asks me to save her if I can’t do anything about it. Her pulse is getting weaker; it’s just a whisper now.

I can’t let her die. I put on my game face and open the vein in my wrist. I hold it to her mouth, letting the blood trickle down her throat. At first she is impassive then her little mouth starts sucking at my wrist, wanting the blood. She can have it, every drop inside of me if it will save her. I pull my wrist away when she’s had enough. I cradle her to my chest.

“That’s enough, Buffy. It’s okay. I’m here. That’s enough.” I pick her up, still in game face. The others stare at me in complete shock.

“Willow, get the ingredients for the ensouling spell. Bring them to the mansion as soon as you gather them. I want to get this done before she wakes up.” I keep walking with my salvation in my arms, the salvation I just damned.

I couldn’t let her die.

Chapter Ten

A/N The words to the spell came from a transcript of Orpheus (Ats S5) I chose to use the Romanian words because we know by this time Willow is a pretty advanced witch. Thanks to Buffyworld.com for the transcripts!

-Angel-

She’s lying on my bed in the mansion. I sit in a chair next to her my fist is stuffed in my mouth to keep the high keening noise I can’t stop making from echoing off the walls. What have I done? I left her so she could live her life in the light but now I’ve condemned her to an eternity of darkness. She wanted me to save her, she begged me in my dreams. It was the only thing I could have done. What was I supposed to do, let her die in my arms? My soul screams YES. At least I would have had the honor of being there when she died.

I wipe at my face. It is wet with tears. I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here crying, but I’ve got to get things together. Willow will be here in a little while with things to do the ensouling spell, if Giles, Xander and her don’t stake me first.

I start a fire in the hearth. The mansion tends to be drafty and I don’t want Buffy to be cold when she wakes up. I can smell Willow before she gets to the front door. She’s alone. She walks in. I’m standing next to the fireplace. Her eyes are red and swollen from crying. She doesn’t say anything at first, just begins to take the items out of the paper bag she’s carrying and places them on the sidebar.

“Tara is on her way. I had her stop by the butcher and get some blood.” Willow finally says. Her voice is tight and quiet.

“Thank you. I didn’t exactly plan for this.”

“What did you plan for, Angel?” Willow turns. She looks at me hard and accusingly.

“I don’t know, Willow. I don’t know. I’ve been having dreams. She showed me where to go. She asked me to save her. What else was I supposed to do? Let her die in my arms when she’d begged me to save her in a dream not 24 hours ago?”

“Yes! I talked to Dawnie. Buffy was ready to go. She knew what she had to do and she knew it would kill her. I don’t like the thought of a world without Buffy anymore then you do, but you really think she’s going to wake up and thank you for turning her into a monster?” She turns angrily back to the spell ingredients, sorting them. “This is her worse nightmare. When the Master made everyone live their worst fears, this was Buffy’s, being a vampire.”

My knees buckle and I catch myself on the mantle. “She-she never told me.”

“What was she going to do, Angel? One night when you two are out in the graveyard and she’s sitting in the arms of her vampire lover she’s going to turn to him and say You know, Sweetie, my worst nightmare is being like you.”

She’s right. I can’t help it. I collapse in front of the fireplace. I curl up in a fetal position and lay there hoping a portal to hell will open up and swallow me whole. I cover my ears to shut out the high pitched noise before I realize that I am making the high pitched noise.

A blast of energy hits me and I am thrown up against the wall. Willow is there in front of me. Her eyes have gone completely black.

“Get it together. You did this to her and you are going to be there for her as long as she wants you to be there. If you even think about leaving her, I will rip you to shreds.” She lowers her hand and I slide down the wall and fall with a thump.

I shake my head and get up slowly. I’m not sure what she did to me, but everything hurts. I notice a quiet, pretty blond has just walked in.

“I-I’m Tara. Wh-where do you want this?” She holds up a brown paper bag from the butcher’s.

“I’ll take it. Thank you for picking it up.” I take the bag in the kitchen and put it the blood in the refrigerator. I can tell sunset is coming. We’ve only got a couple of hours left. I walk back into the main room where the witches are setting things up.

Tara looks over to where Buffy is lying. “Sh-shouldn’t she b-be chained up? In case sh-she wakes up?”

I shake my head. “No. I’m not going to have her wake up in chains. If she does wake up before the spell is done, I can restrain her.” At least I hope I can. There is no record of a slayer ever being turned. I don’t know how strong she’ll be.

“Are you sure this will work on a vampire that hasn’t risen?” Willow asks me.

“No, but I think it will. Do you have another orb of Thessulah if we have to repeat it?” I don’t even want to think of the horror of having her wake up as a demon wearing Buffy’s face.

“Yeah, I like for Giles to keep some on hand in case An-in case we need them. We’re ready to start.”

I walk over and sit in the chair beside Buffy. I take her cold little hand in mine and fight total breakdown. Her hands will never be hot against my skin again. I close my eyes and listen to the silence. There’s no soft thump-thump, thump-thump of her heart, no whisper of breath as she sleeps. I swallow the tears that gather in the back of my throat. Willow is right. I did this to her. I have to be strong for her now.

I can smell the herbs Willow has begin to burn. Her words echo throughout the house.

”Quod perditum est invenietur”

“Nisi mort. Nisi al finitei. Te invoc, spirit al trecerii”

“Te implor doamne. Nu ignora accasta rugaminte lasa orbita sa fie vasul care-i va transporta sufletul la el.”

“Este scris aceasta putere este dreptul poporuil meu de a conduce.”

“Asa sa fie, acum”

Buffy’s eyes glow golden even behind her closed lids. Her body arches off the bed and then she goes limp once again.

“Do you think it worked?” Willow asks.

“I think so. I’ll let you know, when I know.” I stand up and walk over to Willow. My hands are in my pockets. I don’t know what to say to her. “I’m sorry, Willow. I didn’t want this. I just, I couldn’t let her die.”

“She made that decision on her own. You should have let her. Buffy knew what she was doing.” Willow’s words are hard and they cut.

I look at Tara and back at Willow. “If she was dying and you could stop it, wouldn’t you?”

“But you didn’t stop her from dying, Angel. She’s dead. Look at her! She’s not breathing. She doesn’t have a heartbeat. She’s dead! Letting a demon walk and talk with her body doesn’t make her less dead! I know Buffy always wanted to think of you as a person, but you’re not, you never will be. The person you were. Liam died along time ago. Getting your soul back doesn’t make you a person again; it just makes you a demon with a soul.”

I choke back the urge to be ill. Willow is right of course. It’s just easier to think of myself as a person then a monster.

“Call us, if it doesn’t work.” Willow turns to leave.

“She’ll want to know when she wakes up. How’s Dawn?” I manage to ask before they get out the door.

Willow turns to look at me. “Dawn is ok, as ok as she can be. She’s with Giles.”

I walk into the kitchen and heat up a large glass of blood. I take it back to the bedroom and sit down beside the bed again. When Buffy wakes she’ll be hungry but she won’t want to drink. It’ll be easier if the blood comes from me, provided she doesn’t stake me.

There’s nothing left to do but sit and wait. It won’t be long now.

Chapter Eleven

-Buffy-

I’m waking up by degrees. I feel strong, really strong and somehow that doesn’t seem right. I remember jumping into the portal. It hurt, a lot. The white hot light seared the skin from muscles and pulled the blood from my veins. It burned my bones to ash, or at least that’s what it felt like. It also felt like release. It felt like I was done. It felt like I could rest now.

I smell Angel. He’s everywhere and I smell blood. For the first time, I consider where that portal might have taken me. Maybe I didn’t die; maybe I’m in a hell dimension, Glory’s dimension.

“Dawn!” I sit straight up, my eyes snapping open. I didn’t mean to scream her name out loud like that. It echoes off the walls.

“Its okay, Buffy. She’s okay. She’s with Giles.” Angel’s voice is like cool water over hot skin.

“Glory?” I ask. I look around. I’m in the mansion, Angel’s mansion and he’s sitting next to me as if he’s been waiting for me to wake up. I wonder briefly if everything that’s happened since he left was a dream. Maybe it is. Maybe there was never Glory, or Adam or Riley. Maybe Mom is alive. Maybe it’s the night after Graduation and I’ve slept over at Angel’s house. I’m just waking up and he never left me.

“She’s gone. You killed her.” He says. That clears it up, not a dream I guess.

Angel is holding my hand. He must have just drunk a warm glass of blood. He doesn’t feel cold to me. “Why are you here? And why am I not dead? The portal, it was supposed to take my blood. It is closed, right?”

“It’s closed.” He says softly. Something is wrong, terribly wrong. Angel sounds horrible, like he lost his last friend.

“Then why am I here? Why are you here?” I can hear panic raise the pitch and color the tone of my voice.

“I had some dreams. I guess they were prophecy. I’ve never had them before. You asked me to save you. You showed me where to go, where you would be.” There’s something in his voice I’ve only heard once before on a Christmas morning when it snowed. It’s hopelessness.

“Angel, stop with the cryptic. You’re scaring me. Tell me what’s happening.” I place my hand on his cheek and turn his face to look at me. His eyes avoid mine. There is infinite sadness and mourning there. I’ve never seen him look so lost, even when the First had him. “Who died?”

“Buffy, I was too late. I should have never left you the night of your Mom’s funeral, but I didn’t know. I didn’t realize what you were facing. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I got there too late. You had already jumped. I caught you, when you fell. I couldn’t do anything else; you’re pulse-“he trails off.

Oh God

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God

OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod

It made sense now. I knew. I felt so strong, too strong, the smell of blood. He wasn’t warm, I was cold. The mansion tilts sideways. I think I’m going to faint but I don’t. And then it happens, rage, fury like I have never known comes over me.

“So, what? You decide to turn me into a monster?” I scream at him. “How dare you!” I punch him in the face. I can’t stop. I hit him over and over and over. “I wanted to die. It was time for me to go! I wanted to rest. I just wanted to let go but you couldn’t let me. You are so fucking self righteous that you think I would rather be a monster then be dead!” I hear the crunch of his nose as it breaks. I feel his skin split under my knuckles. Blood runs down his face. I hit him until there’s nothing recognizable about him. He lets me. He doesn’t put up an arm to defend himself. He doesn’t curl up and try to protect himself and he never attempts to strike back or stop me. The smell of the blood is intoxicating. I fight the urge to lick it from my knuckles and I am repulsed by myself. I stop hitting and look at the bloody pulp I have made of Angel. A monster, I’m a monster. I turn and run.

*=====================================================*

-Angel-

She’s been gone for three days. During the day I scavenge the tunnels and sewers looking for her. At night I check every above ground structure she could be in. She’s disappeared. It’s the dawn of the fourth day. I trudge back to the mansion. I can smell people in there before I open the door.

Willow, Xander and Giles are standing in the main room. They stop whispering when I walk in. Willow and Giles have been trying to help. Willow because no matter what she’s still Buffy’s best friend and Giles, because he loves her like a daughter. He can’t let go of her as long as there is still hope. They know the ensouling spell worked. I’m surprised to see Xander. He hasn’t spoken to me, for understandable reasons, since I showed up in Sunnydale.

“Nothing?” Giles asks.

I shake my head.

“Looks like you finally did, Dead Boy. You got her away from all of us and you made her just like you.”

I don’t say anything. There’s nothing I can say.

“You Bastard! You couldn’t stand it! She was finally making a life without you! She was finally getting over you.” Xander screams in my face. I don’t flinch. I don’t even respond. He’s not making sense. Buffy would be dead now, really dead, not making a life of any kind, with or without me. He lifts a stake and I look into his eyes. He can kill me if he wants to, but he’s going to have to look at me when he does it.

“Xander, stop.” Willow says in a calm, weary voice. “When we find her, she’s going to need him.”

“We’re not going to find her. She’s dead, Will. And because of him we don’t even have a body to bury!” Xander holds my gaze and I’m surprised. I guess I shouldn’t be. He was always Buffy’s white knight.

“She’s not dead.” I say in a flat voice.

“You’ve found signs of her?” Giles asks. His voice is hopeful and it feels like another spike driving into me.

“No, but if she were dead I would know it. Just like I would know if Drusilla or Spike were dead.”

“Just like you knew she needed help, but couldn’t be bothered in your brand new life in LA.” Xander says.

“I know because I sired her. I can feel her, more then before, because of my blood.” I don’t really want to be having this discussion with them.

Giles clears his throat. “Ah, yes. I’ve read there is an extraordinary bond between Sire and child.” He is trying to sound more like a watcher and less like a father. I guess it’s easier that way to face the horrors.

“Ho-how long can she go without bl-without feeding.” Willow asks. She can’t bring herself to say blood.

I shake my head. I don’t want to tell them the ugly parts about what’s happening to Buffy. “Infinitely. She won’t die without it, but she won’t be able to control it. The longer she goes the worse the bloodlust gets, the less Buffy has control and the more the demon does.”

“Then we better find her soon. Angel, go back to the sewers. Xander and I will look above ground.” Willow says.

I take a deep unnecessary breath. I don’t want to tell them this, but it might help them find her. “Check alleys, abandoned buildings, anything that has rats. If Buffy is in control at all, she’s not going to want to hurt a person.”

Willow grows very pale and Xander looks as if he is fighting complete breakdown.

Giles nods, ever in control. “Very well then. I’ll check on Dawn and then join Xander and Willow.”

“Get the ingredients for a sleep spell. She might- she’s very hungry. Putting her to sleep might be the only way to control her.” I avoid looking at them. I try to push the thought of Buffy attacking her friends out of my mind. She would never, but we don’t know if we’re going to be dealing with Buffy when we find her or not.

I open the sewer access into the old high school basement. It is still a burned out shell. A fence has been put up around it with big no trespassing signs. I don’t know why they didn’t raze it along time ago. There’s nothing salvageable here. I begin to climb the stairs up to what is left of the building and I smell her. I feel her. She’s here somewhere.

She’s in the library, or what’s left of it, tucked in a corner underneath a shelter made from the second floor falling in. I don’t know if the Hellmouth drew her here or the memories, possibly both. I’m careful to avoid the patches of sunlight that come through the places with no roof. I crouch down to get into her hiding spot. She wearing her vamp face and I can’t help the rush of tears that come to my eyes. She growls at me and snaps her teeth. She’s wild, feral. I am reminded of myself when I returned from Hell. Only she’s just beginning her own ascent into Hell, because of me.

I hold my hand out to her. She shrinks further into the corner and growls again. “Its okay, Buffy. I’m going to take care of you. I won’t hurt you.” I creep closer. She seems to recognize me. “I know you’re scared. I was too but you are not alone. I’m going to stay with you.” I’m close enough to touch her now. I reach out a hand and lay it on her upper arm. She looks at it and then at me, but she doesn’t move.

“Are you hungry? You must be. Come here.” I fold her into my arms and guide her mouth to my neck. Instinct takes over and she sinks her teeth into my veins.

Chapter Twelve

-Angel-

I call Giles when I get her back to the mansion.

“I found her. I’ve got her back at the mansion.” I say

“Is she-“ he stops, realizing how foolish it seems asking if she’s okay.

“Let me talk to her before you come see her. She’s sleeping but she’s pretty overwhelmed right now.” I try to fill in the awkwardness, answer questions he might have before he asks.

“But she’s Buffy. She has her soul.” The desperation in his voice has texture, even over the phone line.

“She’s Buffy.”

I hang up the phone and go to her. She’s sleeping restlessly in the bed. She twitches and whimpers. She looks for all the world like a little girl and the heart I don’t have breaks. How could I have done this to her? I fight back tears. I don’t want her to wake up and know I’ve been crying. I bite through my lip and taste blood.

She sleeps most of the day. I’m not surprised. There’s no way to know if she slept at all during the time she was missing. I make sure I eat while she’s sleeping. She’s seen me eat before but drinking blood out of a bag or a glass is a harsh reality she’s not ready for yet. When the sun sets I slip into the courtyard and cut a bouquet of night blooming jasmine. I put it in a vase and set the vase beside the bed, where she’ll see it when she wakes up. Its my fault there will be so much ugliness and darkness in her life now, I’m going to make sure it’s also my fault that she has beauty in her life.

I’m sitting next to the bed when she wakes up. She has always been a wonder to watch wake. She stretches first, like a cat and she wrinkles her nose like she’s not ready to leave her dream world. She opens her eyes slowly. She smiles when she sees me. Her sleepy smile is my favorite one, but then I say that about all her smiles.

“Angel,”

God, I love the way she says my name. It’s always in that breathy little voice and it breaks down any defenses I thought I had. I smile at her. “Morning.”

Her eyes fall on the flowers. She lights up like a little kid at Christmas. “For me?”

I nod. “I got them out of the courtyard.”

“I forgot this grew there.”

Her eyes mist over and I can see the memory of the last few days creep into her eyes. She reaches out and touches me. She pulls back and tears fill her eyes. “It’s real, isn’t it?”

I nod. She sits quietly on the bed, absorbing it all. She puts her hand to her chest, over her heart and tears trickle down her cheeks. I want to scream. How do I make this better? How do I fix this?

“Buffy, do you want me to go? If you tell me you never want to see me again, I’ll leave now.”

“Please, don’t.” Her words are plaintive and pitiful.

“Do you want to hit me again?” I’d let her beat me senseless every day for the rest of forever if it would take that look out of her eyes.

“No. It just made me feel like a monster last time. That’s what I am, isn’t it?” She looks up at me.

I don’t know what to tell her. Most of the world would say yes, she is a monster. “You’re like me. Willow did the spell. You have a soul, Buffy, your soul.” I sit down on the bed beside her and wipe a tear away with my thumb.

“I didn’t-I didn’t hurt anyone before she did it, did I?” She trembles under my touch.

“No, Buffy. I had Willow do the spell before you ever woke up.”

She nods.

“Come here. You need to f-eat. You have to keep your strength up.” I curse myself for the almost slip.

“I can’t, drink a glass. Not like you do, not yet.”

“You don’t have to, Buffy.” I open the vein on my wrist so she doesn’t have to vamp out and hold it up to her mouth.

I call Giles back while she’s in the shower.

“It’s Angel. She wants to see Dawn.”

“Uhm, well, let me ask Dawn.” Giles covers the phone with his hand. I can make out what they are saying.

“Dawn, Buffy would like to see you. Is it alright, if she comes here?”

There is a slight pause and I can make out Dawn’s voice just barely.

“It’s Buffy, right? I mean it’s not like when Angel lost his soul.”

“Yes, it’s Buffy. She has a soul. She might act a bit different. What she’s going though, it’s difficult. She is still very much your sister, Dawn.” Giles struggles to try and explain to the young girl.

“Okay then.” Dawn responds.

Giles puts the phone back to his ear and speaks. “When shall we expect you?”

“Buffy is in the shower now. It could take a little while. There’s not a mirror-it’s hard to get used to getting ready without a reflection.” I stumble over myself.

“I can imagine. We’ll be waiting then.” Giles handles it with his traditional aplomb.

“Giles, when we get there, make sure to invite her in as soon as you open the door. It’s humbling to have to wait for an invitation. It reminds you of what you are, and she doesn’t need anymore reminders right now.”

“Of course, thank you for bringing it to my attention. I might have forgotten that she-that she can’t come in.”

I hang up the phone and go knock on the bathroom door. She’s been in there a good while. “Buffy, are you decent?”

“Yeah, come in” She sounds frustrated.

I open the bathroom door, steam rolls out and for a moment I can’t see her. When the steam clears, she’s wearing her black pants and white sweater. She is standing in front of the sink holding a brush like she doesn’t know what to do with it. I take it from her.

“Here, let me.” I carefully untangle the long damp strands of her hair. I brush until it is smooth and silky, hanging in a damp golden cascade down her back.

I lay the brush on the countertop.

“Thank you,” she says.

“Your welcome. I called Giles. We can stop by and see Dawn anytime you want.”

“She knows, right?” She looks up at me with fear in her eyes.

“She does. Giles asked her and she wants to see you.”

“Do I-I mean-do I look okay?” I know what she’s asking. She’s worried she looks different.

“You look beautiful, Buffy.” And she does. Her skin is pale, like mine now but it only makes her startling green eyes stand out.

We stand in front of Giles’ door. She stops me before I knock. “I can’t do this, Angel. What if she pulls away from me? What if she acts like-I don’t know, like I’m-“ Tears are gathering in her eyes again.

I take both of her hands in mine. “Buffy, she watched you die to save her life. She might act a little different, at first. Give her a chance to get used to this.”

Buffy nods. I knock on the door. It opens almost immediately.

Chapter Thirteen

-Buffy-

The door opens and Giles stands just inside it, looking so very Giles like.

“Buffy, Angel, come in.” He steps back

I let Angel walk in first. He pulls me along behind him. Giles shuts the door and catches me in a very uncharacteristic hug. I can tell he’s been crying. I can smell the tears, and that’s really odd. He releases me. “Buffy, we’re very glad you’re safe.”

Leave it to Giles to use just the right words. He wouldn’t say okay, because I’m not okay. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again. Okay is a heartbeat and breathing and body temperature. I nod and turn to look at Dawn.

She’s sitting on the couch and her eyes are red from crying. I don’t know where to start with her. “Hi, Dawnie.”

“Buffy?” She says my name like a question.

I nod. And then she’s in my arms crying and I’m crying and it’s a big girl fest of tears and blubbering. “Dawnie, Dawnie, I’m so sorry.” I don’t even know what I’m apologizing for but Dawn is saying “Its okay its okay,” over and over again, so it seems like the right thing to say.

We finally sit down on the couch and Giles hands us Kleenex. He disappears into the kitchen. I’m sure he’s making tea. I can smell the water boiling. I never realized water has a smell.

“Are you okay, Dawn?” I brush her hair off her shoulders.

She nods and sniffs. “Yeah. The cuts weren’t deep. Giles went overboard playing doctor with the disinfectant and the gauze, only real doctor not the kind I played-so didn’t play with anyone, ever.”

“Good. I’m sorry I wasn’t th- “ I stop myself, realizing what I am saying. I died for her. I shouldn’t be here right now, much less there to pick up the pieces afterwards.

“Are you-I don’t know, okay I guess?” she asks.

“They told you what happened, right?” I look into her eyes, searching for revulsion or fear. I can’t find any. It’s just my little sister and she’s scared but not of me.

“I was sort of there. I mean you and Mom tried to protect me but I know about the whole sucking ritual. You’re cold. I mean you feel cold, are you cold?”

I smile. She’s so much like my Dawn that it hurts. I shake my head. “No, I mean I feel cold to the touch, but I’m room temperature. I don’t notice the cold or the heat really.”

She nods. Giles walks in the living room with a tea tray. He sits it down on the coffee table.

“So can you go all Grrr, like Angel?” Dawn asks.

“Dawn! Your sister is not an amusement show.” Giles snaps out.

I can’t help it. I laugh.

“Are you coming home, Buffy?” Dawn asks.

Tears rush to the back of my throat and choke. I finally manage to answer. “I don’t know Dawnie. I-there’s so much.”

“Why don’t you stay with me a few days, Dawn. Let’s give Buffy a chance to gather her bearings. This will be an adjustment for everyone.” Giles suggests and I am grateful to him. I can’t think beyond this moment, which is odd because now I have an eternity.

“We’ll talk about it maybe later, Dawnie. I haven’t thought about much. I’ve slept a lot and-“

“Its okay, Buffy. I don’t mind staying with Giles. School lets out in a couple of days anyway, so.” She trails off.

“I think-I think I’m going to stay with Angel, for a little while.” I look at him for confirmation. We haven’t really talked about this, for all I know he could be leaving for LA tomorrow.

“Yes, she’s staying with me. You can come by anytime you want, Dawn.” Angel tells her.

“I guess I need to get some of my things.” I say.

“The spare key is where it’s always been. I used it when Giles took me by to get some clothes.” Dawn says.

Angel pulls his mouth into a tight line. He wants to say something and he’s trying to figure out how to phrase it. “Dawn, you’ll need to go with us.”

“Oh, well, okay.” Dawn says, confused.

“I don’t live there anymore, Dawnie. You have to invite me. Angel is trying to be tactful.” I am trying to keep the tears out of my voice. I can’t even walk in my own house.

“Oh! Yah, let’s go now. Giles, we’ll be back in just a little while.” Dawn stands up and walks to the door.

Angel captures my hand in his and kisses it. “Do you want me to stay here, give you and Dawn some girl time?”

I shake my head. I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready to face people on my own. “Please come.” It sounds like a plea for something much more important, even to me.

“Besides, you have no idea how many clothes Buffy has. We’ll need you for the carrying and the lifting.” Dawn says flippantly.

“I’m good at carrying and lifting.” Angel says with a smile.

The normalcy of the entire scene is heartbreaking.

I take a couple of suitcases back to Angel’s house. I am unpacking, putting my clothes next to his in the drawers, hanging things up in his closet. My toothbrush goes next to his in the bathroom; my vanilla perfume sits next to his hair gel. It seems so normal, it’s so much of what I wanted when I was a teenager that I break down into sobs.

He’s there beside me before a tear actually falls. His arms are around me and he’s completely engulfed me with his larger frame. “Buffy, what’s wrong?”

“I wanted to do this so much when I was in high school. I wanted a drawer in your house and toothbrush beside yours. And now we’re playing house and we’re pretending like its normal and we’re not, we’re not normal! Most people don’t even believe in what we are!” I’m screaming by now.

He whispers soothing nonsensical things to me and picks me up in arms. He carries me to the bed and sets me down.

“How long are you staying this time, Angel?” It comes out an accusation and I guess that’s really how I mean it, regardless of whether I want to admit it or not.

“I haven’t talked to anyone in LA yet, but I’m not leaving you like this Buffy, not if you want me to stay. I will be here forever.” He promises me.

Angel has always promised me forever and an eternity and always. I realize with a broken sob that this time I’ve got that long for him to give it to me.

Chapter Fourteen

-Angel-

I wake up with Buffy in my arms and for a minute it doesn’t matter what I’ve done. She is achingly beautiful with her golden hair strewn over the pillows. She still feels like she always did, my salvation, my redemption, my reward and then I see the tear tracks on her cheeks. The guilt overwhelms me again and my soul screams out, asking what I’ve done to this woman I love more then I thought possible. She fell asleep crying in my arms and I didn’t want to leave her side. I get out of bed careful not to stir her. I’ve got to call LA and I’d just as soon she be asleep for the conversation.

“Angel Investigations, we help the hopeless.” Cordelia answered.

“Cordy, how are things going there?” I ask.

“Not that you’d care. You’ve been in Sunny hell for almost an entire week. We don’t hear one word from you.”

“I’m sorry, Cordy. Things have been chaotic here. I haven’t really had a chance to call before now.”

“Well, did Buffy get her apocalypse worked out and when are you coming home?” Getting straight to the point, that was Cordy’s way.

“I don’t know when I’m coming home. I may be staying here for awhile.”

“Angel, Buffy has to get on with her own life. You can’t stay there and fix what ever she’s broken. We need you here.”

I grit my teeth. I wanted to scream out, she didn’t break it, I did! It wasn’t exactly something you told people over the phone. “Cordelia, she needs me here. If something major comes up that you can’t handle call me at the mansion, otherwise I’ll see you when I see you.” I hang up the phone. I’m not going to have this conversation with Cordelia, or anyone at the moment.

Buffy sneaks up on me and wraps her arms around my waist. She lays her cheek on my back. “Cordy being good old Queen C?”

I should have known with her new hearing abilities she’d overhear the conversation. “She doesn’t understand and I’m not going to have that conversation with her over the phone.”

“You said you may be staying here for awhile, how long’s a while?” Buffy asks. I can hear the tremor in her voice. I turn around and catch her up in my arms.

“A while is as long as you want me.” I look down into her green gray eyes. I can see the fear that lingers just underneath, but otherwise they are the same eyes I fell in love with. Being a vampire hasn’t changed what Buffy is. She still holds her heart out before her, for the whole world to see and I’m still afraid it’s going to get bruised or torn. Maybe it’s because she was never really a vampire without a soul.

“How’s forever? Does forever work for you?” She echoes back to me the words she asked me that night at her mother’s grave. If only I’d responded the same way then as I do now.

“Forever works just fine for me.” I say.

“So, what about the offices in LA? What happens to them?” She asks me.

“I don’t know yet.” I reply honestly.

“I don’t think Giles has told the council yet. I can only imagine their viewpoint. They’ll probably send assassins out to stake me.” She tries to make light of it, but I can see it in her eyes, she’s worried about it.

“Didn’t you stop working for the Council after I got poisoned? I know I was out of it, but I could have sworn.”

She nods. “Yeah, but when I was trying to fight Glory, they said they had information. They wanted to make a deal. I got the better end of it. You would have been proud. So, Giles is an official watcher again and I’m an official Council slayer again, or I was. I guess now I’m Buffy the Vampire vampire slayer, which doesn’t really make sense, maybe I should be Vampire Buffy the vampire slayer, of course I haven’t actually slayed anything since-Glory.” She pauses and ducks her head against my chest so I can see the rush of salty tears in her eyes. She forgets, I can smell them.

“We’ll talk to them, make them see reason. The worst that can happen is they don’t want you to slay for them, no problem.” I say.

Buffy levels me with her ‘when did you become a moron’ look. “Hello? What bizarro world are you living in? When did you incur brain damage? This is the council we’re talking about. Reason is not something they apply to their daily lives.”

“They listened to you last time.”

“Yes, I threw a sword at one of them and told them they play my way, or no slay. For all we know, another slayer has been called.” She explains.

“You threw a sword at one of them?”

“Well, you know subtly has never been one of my strong points.” She says tugging me over to the couch.

I chuckle. “I can only imagine the look on the person’s face.”

“It was great. I thought he was going to have a stroke. Now all this talking has made me hungry, I wanna eat.”

“What are you waiting for?” I grin at her.

She pauses a moment, wrinkling her forehead. “Does it bother you?”

I hesitate, wondering if I should tell her how much it doesn’t bother me. I’m not sure if she’s ready to deal with the physical aspects of our relationship. Emotionally, we have never been on stronger ground, but there were circumstances. Honestly, if Buffy hadn’t jumped, I would have helped her defeat Glory and then disappeared into the fog like I did after we defeated the Mayor. Living a life without Buffy hurt more then words can say, but being so close to her and not being able to have her, that was unbearable, even for someone with 243 years of willpower. I decide I’ll tell her later that biting me makes the demon in me howl with desire.

“It doesn’t bother me. Drink.”

Later we’re curled up on the couch together. I’m reading her Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

“I’ll turn you into a literary fan before it’s all said and done.” I say kissing her on the top of her head.

“I just like to listen to your voice.” She confesses. I chuckle.

“Angel, What if Dawnie wants to live with us, or wants us to move in with her?” She asks, looking up at me.

“We’ll do whatever she wants. We can go talk to her in a little while if you want.”

“No, not now, I mean there are still issues and a lot would depend on her and Giles. It’s just; I’m all she has now. I mean it would work okay, wouldn’t it? I don’t think she’d be freaked out by living with us. I don’t know who would take her, if I didn’t. I mean Dad isn’t exactly winning any Parent of the year awards. He never did show up when Mom died. We got flowers and a card almost a month afterwards. I guess he’s so busy with his new family that he can’t really take the time to check on his old one.”

“We’ll make it work out, as long as it’s what Dawn wants.” I promise her.

“Okay, but no offense, if we decide to live here, we’ve got to do some home improvement. I mean Martha Stewart would have serious issues with your décor.”

I look around the main room. “What’s wrong with my décor? Most of the art in here is priceless.” I have sudden visions of stuffed animals and that crap called potpourri all over the place, maybe cutesy bird house hanging from the eaves. I mean what’s the point do people have birds flying all over their houses?

“Nothing’s wrong with it and I promise I’ll leave it, but it wouldn’t kill you to have some throw pillows, a TV and DVD player, more then one phone. Dawn is going to want at least one mirror in the house and if I remember correctly it’s not very girl, live girl, friendly here.”

Why do I feel like I just fell into the ninth circle of Hell, again?

@--Buffy--@

“Ok, Dawnie, last time. You’re sure I look ok?” I smooth a hand over my hair. Dawn is here helping me get ready because we’re meeting Willow, Tara, Anya and Xander at the Bronze. It’s the first time I’ve seen them since the fight with Glory. I figure the Bronze is sorta safe. They won’t stake me there, I don’t think.

“You look really beautiful, Buffy.” Dawn says handing me a lip gloss. That’s at least one aspect of makeup I feel comfortable doing without a reflection.

“You know, this reflection thing is harder then I thought. I mean I always thought Angel meant for his hair to look like it does.” I slip into my high heeled black knee boots.

“What’s wrong with my hair?” Angel pokes his head into the door frame and self consciously feels his hair.

“Nothing, but your lucky you look way hot with the I just got out of bed look.” Dawn says.

I walk over and wrap my arms around his waist. “Are you ready to go?”

He steps back and looks appreciatively at my short black dress. He’s wearing black slacks and a black silk shirt, big surprise there, but it works for him. The whole dark and brooding thing always has. “You look great.”

“Thank Dawnie, she did it all.” I turn to Dawn. “And remember, no drinking anything but soda or coffee.”

Dawn wrinkles her nose. “Like I’d touch something that smells the way alcohol does.”

“You’re a good sister.” I tell her with a gentle tug on one of her long locks.

“I’m the best. Come on lets go before all the good tables are taken.” Dawn grabbed up both Angel and my hands and tugged us toward the door.

The Bronze was already busy. Willow and Tara had gotten there early and staked us out a grouping of couches in the corner that was relatively quiet. Dawn gave Willow and Tara both a little hug.

“H-hey, Buffy, Angel.” Tara says, trying to break the ice in her quiet way.

I smile at her. Willow stands up and hugs me. “Hey, Will, Tara. It’s really good to see you both.”

I try not to notice Willow draws back from the hug a little bit.

“Uhm, Xander and Anya went to get us all mocha chinos. “ Willow says uncomfortably.

Angel and I sit down. The silence is awkward. I hate this.

“So, how’s college, Will?” I asked, trying to break the silence.

“It’s good. I’ve got finals coming up so I’ve been doing a lot of studying. Remember Mr. Zobani, he’s giving us a huge essay on Greek literature for the final.” Willow says.

“I hated him. He was always so arrogant.”

“I’m kind of looking for an original viewpoint on the whole thing. I’m hoping if I give him something different from everyone else he’ll actually take notice of it.” Willow says.

“If you would like, you could drop by the mansion some afternoon. I spent several decades of doing nothing but reading. I’ve got a lot of Greek literature in LA I could have Wes send me if it would help.” Angel offers. I squeeze his hand, my way of thanking him for trying to fit in with my friends.

“So you’re going to be staying a little while?” Willow asks. Her tone is slightly harder and accusing then it needs to be.

“I’m staying as long as Buffy is. If she decides she wants to move to LA, then we’ll move to LA.”

Oooo, score one for Angel.

“And that just gives me warm fuzzies.” Xander and Anya walk up with mocha chinos.

I see Angel tighten his jaw, but he doesn’t say anything. Xander hands mocha chinos all around before flopping down on the couch between Willow and Anya.

“So, we can look forward to many more fun filled times with Dead Boy.” Xander says.

“Xander, don’t call him that.” I squeeze Angel’s hand.

“Why does it hurt wittle Angel’s feelings?” Xander continues mocking.

“It bothers me. Are you going to start calling me Dead Girl next?” I glare at him.

Xander just stares at me, his mouth gaping like a fish.

“No, Buffy, Xander didn’t mean-it’s just a joke.” Willow tries to cover for him.

“Xander has been making jokes at Angel’s expense for a long time. I should have jumped in ages ago. It’s hurtful and it’s mean. You know, this was just a bad idea. We’re gonna go.” I get up and run out of the Bronze as fast as I can, hot tears stinging my eyes. Willow is right behind me. I know because I can smell her. I stop in the alley. Angel is lurking in the doorway, out of sight. I can feel him.+

“Buffy, Xander is just upset. He’s having a really hard time dealing with what Angel did to you.” Willow says.

“I know that Will. I’m having a hard time with it too. I was ready to die. I wanted to die and I don’t think any of you ever saw that. Angel turned me because he couldn’t stand the thought of a world without me in it. Now I’ve got to accept that and if you and Xander want to be in my life, you’re going to have to also.”

“Angel did choose a life without you, Buffy. He left you, remember?” Willow said.

“I didn’t get brain damage when I died, Will. I remember. It was one of the most painful moments of my life. And you’re right, Angel did choose a life without me, and he was doing okay with it, he didn’t choose a world without me in it. With someone like Angel, there’s a difference.”

“Buffy, we’re trying really.”

“Is it so hard, Will? I’m still me inside! I don’t even look different! So what if I’m cold to the touch, so what if I don’t breathe and I don’t have a heart that beats. Everything that makes me what I am is still here!“ I’m screaming and crying by now and I don’t care.

Willow is crying. “What if something happens, like with what happened to Angel and you turn evil? Are we supposed to be just like oh well guess it’s time to start staking Buffy.”

“That’s what this is all about? You’re worried I’m going to turn evil and you’ll have to kill me?” I look at her in shock.

Willow shrugs.

“Good. It’s about damn time you and Xander had some idea of what it felt like for me to send Angel to hell.” I glare at her and for the first time since I’ve been turned I struggle against vamping out. “But don’t worry, that moment of perfect happiness, it won’t ever happen. Angel feels so guilty about what he did that he can hardly touch me.” My voice sounds bitter and filled with hurt, even to my ears.

“Oh, Buffy,” In that moment, Willow becomes my old best friend again; ready to comfort me during a boyfriend crisis. I can’t help it. I break down into those sobs that shake your whole body.

“It sounds stupid, but sometimes I wish Angel didn’t love me so much. We wouldn’t have had to ever worry about this.” I say between sobs.

“I know. It makes the best friend job of villianizing hard. I mean what am I supposed to say Grrr, I can’t’ stand Angel because he loves you to much.” Willow jokes.

I laugh and wipe at the tears on my cheeks. “So you and I are okay?”

“Best of buds.” Willow says hooking her arm through mine.

“So what do we do about Xander now? I really think Angel is staying this time.”

“I think Xander and Angel are going to have to have one of those man to man talks.” Willow says as we walk back toward the Bronze.

“That might work, as long as we don’t let Xander bring pointy wood things.”

Chapter Fifteen

-Angel-

Buffy and Willow are up to something. They’ve been behind closed doors whispering for at least an hour now. They won’t tell me what’s going on, only that I can’t leave the mansion. So, I’m sitting in here by the fireplace brooding and reading. I don’t even notice that someone is coming up the pathway until the heavy door opens a crack and Xander steps inside. I look up.

“Buffy and Willow are holed up in the bedroom. They can’t possibly be much longer though.” I comment and go back to the pretense of reading.

Xander stands in the center of the main room uncomfortably; his hands are in his pockets. “Trust me, they can.”

Within seconds, Willow and Buffy emerge from the bedroom.

“Hi Xander. Buffy and I are going to the mall. You and Angel are going to stay here and talk out your differences.” Willow says.

Xander and I both are openly staring at the girls. I’m not sure what they wish to accomplish other then one of us getting killed.

“Bye, see you later, no sharp wooden things, no maiming.” Buffy says in a jumble of words as she and Willow rush out the door into the dusk.

Xander and I both stand in the silence, still in disbelief that the girls have left us here alone. I speak first.

“Would you like some coffee or tea? I don’t have a lot in the way of food or beverages.”

“Nah, this really isn’t a social call.” Xander glares at me.

“You know, Xander, I’m not sure what your problem is. I know you used to have this thing for Buffy and I understood it when you were back in high school, but you are engaged to Anya. So why do you still have this intense hatred for me?”

“How dare you even ask such a question?” Xander explodes. “Do you know how many times Willow and I have been there when Buffy cried over you? I stopped counting when the numbers got up there somewhere with the number of times Giles has been knocked unconscious.”

“I can’t change the past. I know I’ve hurt Buffy a lot. I know I’ve made her cry and if I could take back every single one of those tears I would. I’ve never wanted anything but happiness for Buffy.”

“So you turn her into a monster? The thought makes me want to puke.” Xander threw back.

“And the thought of her lying in the ground makes you feel better?” I step toward him unconsciously, fighting to control my anger.

“Of course not! Buffy never wanted this. She didn’t want to be confined to a life indoors, out of the sun. She didn’t want to drink blood to exist. You did all of this to her.” Xander says.

“And you don’t think that guilt hasn’t hounded me since the second I made that decision. I left Sunnydale so she could have a life in the light. I know exactly what I condemned her to. I live it every day and it’s not what I wanted for her, but in a moment of weakness, while she lay dying in my arms, I made a wrong decision and I will feel guilty about that for longer then you can even imagine, boy.” I yell at him.

“Good. I hope it kills you. I hope it rots you from the inside out.” I’ve rarely seen Xander filled with as much rage and hate, even toward me.

“Do you want to stake me? Will that make you feel better? Then maybe you’d like to stake Buffy, release her soul to wherever it was supposed to go when she jumped from that tower.” I hold my arms out, exposing my chest, knowing that the moment the boy picks up a stake I can be behind him with said stake at his throat before he knows what’s happening.

“I don’t know what Buffy and Willow thought we’d accomplish here, but it’s not happening.” Xander turns away disgusted.

“What Buffy wanted was for us to reach a point where we can at least be civil. I’m going to be in her life now, whether you like it or not. She’d like to keep you, one of her best friends in that same life. We’re tearing her to pieces with all the snipping and hateful words. So let’s get it over right now. You want to beat the hell out of me? Make me pay for my past sins, so we can move on. Go ahead.”

I hadn’t expected him to actually take me up on my offer. The kid has a hard right hook, better then I would have given him credit for. I didn’t flinch. I didn’t step back with the punch. I wouldn’t’ give him the satisfaction. I simply wiped the blood from my lip and sneered at him. “Better?”

The punch seems to have taken some of the anger out of him. “I’ll stop with all the comments. I don’t like you, I’ll never like you and so help me if you hurt her again, I will kill you. I may not be able to take you one on one, but you sleep and I don’t recall needing an invitation to walk in here.” Xander looked me in the eye as he threatened me.

“Fair enough.”

We call a truce of sorts. We’re sitting on opposite ends of the couch, not looking at each other when Buffy and Willow come back in.

“Did you boys make up?” Willow asks.

For some reason, Faith’s expression of five by five comes to mind. “We’re okay where we’re at.”

“Good, ‘cause there will be a delivery man from the electronics store here in a few minutes. We bought a TV, a DVD player and a movie.” Buffy says brightly, holding a garish looking DVD case with the title ‘From Dusk ‘til Dawn’

I look at her like she’s grown a tail, or lost her mind. I’m going with the latter. “Horror movies? We’re going to watch horror movies?” I manage to say.

“Yeah. Will, Xan and I used to watch them after weekend patrols.” She turns to look at Willow. “We haven’t done the patrol thing; maybe we should do the patrol thing first.”

“Giles says vamp activity is way down. It’s to be expected after a disruption of power like Glory’s or something like that. Anyway, it equals no monsters to patrol for.”

“Oh, goody, a monster free night, except for well, Me, Angel and the movie monsters. Will, why don’t you call the rest of the gang, and Dawn. Invite them over, tell them to bring popcorn. Xander and I need to talk.” Buffy says all this without missing a beat. I almost think she’s handling this better then I am, except her sobs wake me up in the middle of the night.

She grabs Xander by the wrist and pulls him into the bedroom. She shuts the door behind them. I’m left with Willow and the impending arrival of delivery men.

-Buffy-

I close the door behind us. Xander stands with his back to me.

“Ok, so I know we’ve got some problems. I don’t want things to stay this way between us Xander. You and Willow are my best friends, my first friends when I came to Sunnydale.”

“I’m sorry, Buff. I don’t mean to make this harder on you. I just can’t help it.” Xander says.

“Xander, I’ll tell you like I told Willow. I’m me inside. It doesn’t matter that I don’t have a heartbeat or breath. I’m still the same Buffy I always was. I can’t change what I’ve become. If I could undo it I would and I know Angel would too.”

“Buffy, it’s not you I have a problem with. I mean yeah it’s hard to imagine you a vampire. They are the bad guys, traditionally and you’re Super girl vampire slayer. You know I’ve always had a hard time with Dea-Angel. What he’s done to you just makes it worse.”

“I love him. I’ve loved him since I first set eyes on him. I can’t change that, Xander, anymore then I can change what I’ve become. And that’s one thing I don’t want to change. Angel has always been my rock. When everything else is chaotic around me, Angel is the calm center of the storm. I could go on with life and I could handle the things it threw at me, because I knew if I really needed Angel, he’d be there. I need my friends too. You guys are a big part of what makes me, me. I want you to continue to be my best friend. You have to accept that Angel is a part of my life though. Can you do that?” I ask.

“I can be civil, for your sake.” He says. His back is still to me.

“Xander, turn around, look at me.”

He does. I let my vamp face slip into place. “Can you accept that this is what I am now?” I revert back to my human face. He’s got to see that while I may be a vampire, thanks to Willow I’m still me.

He shudders visibly and that’s okay. It’s a lot to handle. I freaked out the first time I saw Angel’s vamp face. Eventually I stopped seeing vamp face or human face and just saw Angel. I hope one day my friends can do the same.

“I can try. I don’t want to lose my best friend. It nearly killed me to see you jump from that tower, even though I knew you were saving Dawnie’s life.” Xander says honestly.

“If it hadn’t been for Angel, it would have killed me.” I say simply.

“He did kill you, Buffy. You’re a walking corpse.”

“No, Angel didn’t kill me. The jump from that 50 story tower did. Angel just found a way to keep my soul on this earth, the only way he knew how.” He’s got to stop looking at Angel as the reason I died.

Xander looks up from the ground and sniffs the air. “Is that popcorn I smell?”

I grin. “Dawn, Tara and Anya must be here. It’s Monster Movie Madness time.”

Chapter Sixteen

-Angel-

I’m taking her patrolling tonight. It’s the first time since she’s been turned. Giles says things have been slow. I’m hoping to start her out easy. She has no idea how much the demon in her is going to love killing.

We start out in Weatherly Park. It has always been a feeding ground for vamps. There seems to be a never ending line of teenagers and homeless people there. Buffy and I walk hand in hand.

“Thanks for working things out with Xander.” Buffy says.

I shrug. “We’re not best of friends, but I think we can get along for your sake.”

“Xander is just unreasonably protective. I don’t know if he’d like anyone I went out with.” She says.

“He liked Riley, or at least he seemed to.” I point out.

“Okay, so maybe Xander wants the same thing for me that you wanted all those years, normal. I didn’t want normal then and I don’t want it now, even if I could have it. I want you, Angel. I always have.”

I stop and place my hand on her cheek. She will never know how beautiful she is to me. Physically, yes but it’s more then that. It’s her soul shining through her eyes, speaking to mine that makes her so precious.

We’re interrupted by a shrill scream. Buffy and I both sprint toward the scream and run right into a group of four vamps, surrounding a couple sitting on a bench.

“Hey, the pickings look slim. You guys must be getting really desperate.” Buffy says, distracting them from the couple on the bench. The vamps turn toward us.

“Slayer,” one of them hisses. “We heard you died.”

Buffy looks down at herself, “Actually, I think I might have gotten an upgrade.” She slips into vamp face and takes up a defensive fighting stance.

I take care of the people, rushing them out of there. “Go home, run.”

Buffy becomes a blur of blonde hair, kicks and punches, side kick, roundhouse, snap kick, stake, jab, hook, stake, pop, ignore the pain fall with it, sweep, roll up, roundhouse kick, crescent kick, stake, right hook, uppercut, stake. She is fluid grace and raw power. She grins at me in full vamp face and the demon in me acknowledges her beauty.

“Wow, that was, well that was just more fun then it used to be.”

I nod, not sure whether to be afraid or glad for her. “Feels good to come out here and work some things out with your fist and feet.”

We make the rounds of Sunny Rest and some of the alleyways on Main Street. Two more vamps come to the same swift and dusty ending the ones in the park did. Buffy sticks her stake into her back waistband. She turns and slips her arms around my waist and gives me her best pouty look.

“Bored now. Take me home?” She stands on tiptoe and slips her little hands, cold little hands now, behind my neck. She tugs my head down to hers and captures my mouth with a kiss. She teases my mouth and then crushes my lips with a bruising kiss. I make that little purr/growl noise in my throat that drives her crazy.

I back her up against the wall, my body pressed against hers. She slides one leg up and wraps it around mine. I grab her behind the knee and pull her closer. She throws her head back and the sight of her pale throat in the moonlight is enough to make me groan. I nip at the delicate skin there, stopping at my mark. I bite her with my blunt teeth. She arches up into me. I struggle to keep control of the demon, to keep from slipping into vamp face. I push back against the wall and turn away from her. I am taking deep ragged breaths.

I feel her hand on my shoulder.

“Angel, what’s wrong?”

I shake my head, unable to actually form words at the moment. It’s so much so fast. Buffy is an addiction. I can only akin it to a druggie that has quit and suddenly started again. It’s so much so fast I have to slow it down just to be able to make it through the next moment. I turn around and fold her into my arms. I rest my cheek against the crown of her head and breathe her in. Her arms wrap around my waist and squeeze tightly, assuring me she is there. She is alright.

“Kind of intense, huh?” She murmurs into my chest.

“Kind of doesn’t begin to describe it.” I smile as I say the words. “Come on, let’s go home.”

-Buffy-

The council is coming today. They heard Glory was dead and called Giles. He avoided them for a little while, but he eventually had to tell them what happened to me. They want to evaluate me, whatever the hell that means. They probably want to arrange a drill where they call out some commands in German or some other language they know I don’t understand.

I’ve been pacing the mansion since three this afternoon, just waiting for the sun to go down. I add clock to my list of things to get for Angel’s house. I go to the window and crack the drapes. I’m rewarded with a smoking burn on my fingers.

“Ow!” I yell in frustration more then actual pain.

Angel takes my fingers in his hand and examines them. “They’ll be healed in just a little while. You snatched your hand back fast enough.”

I scowl. “Maybe I should call Giles. The sun is taking an awfully long time going down. Maybe some demon goddess did something to slow the ascent of the sun or stop it or something.”

Angel chuckles. “Buffy, the sun is setting at the usual rate.” He closes his eyes a moment. “I can feel it. You have another half hour or so to wait.”

“How do you know that?” I ask, almost rebelliously.

“Close your eyes. You can feel that it’s still daylight. You can feel that the night is approaching. As you get older you get more accurate but you can feel it coming now if you pay attention.”

“Is this like my vampy spidey sense thing I was supposed to get? Because you know the only vampire I could ever feel was you. Giles kept insisting I just wasn’t paying attention to it.” I say.

Angel chuckles again. “Trust me, this is a survival instinct, you’ll develop it as you get older and if you don’t, I’ll always be there to remind you that the sun is coming.” He smiles at me and my stomach flip flops.

“How do you do that?” I ask, wrapping my arms around his neck and forgetting about the watcher’s council for a moment.

“Do what?” He asks pulling me closer.

“Make my stomach flip flop with just a smile.”

“Magic.” He says placing a kiss on my forehead.

I purr. “Your own special Angel magic.”

“Truthfully, I think it only works on you.” He confesses.

“That’s all it ever has to work on.” I smile at him and lightly kiss his lips. The kiss turns deeper as it always does. He’s halfway undressed before we both pull away shaking. He turns his back to me and buttons his shirt with shaky fingers. He clears his throat.

“I think it’s safe for us to go out now.”

And completely necessary because if I spend one more moment in this room with him I’m not going to be able to stop.

Chapter Seventeen

-Angel-

I’m not really sure I should be here. She wanted me here though, and that’s all that matters anymore. I’m leaning against the wall in the corner of her training room at the Magic Box. There are 4 stuffy council members here, one of which is Quentin Travers. I could rip the man’s throat out and break his fingers one by one and it still wouldn’t be enough payback for the things he’s done to Buffy in the name of the Watcher’s Council. I turn my attention back to Buffy. She is holding center court and I am struck once again by the incredible woman she has become.

“Giles said you guys told him no new slayer had been called. Why?” she asks.

Quentin looks down at his fingernails and for a moment seems as if he’s not going to answer her. “To the best of our reasoning, the active slayer line ended with you when you died, the first time.” He somehow manages to make that seem like a cosmic screw-up and I want to pop his head off of his shoulders for him. “Kendra was called, her death called Faith. We believe the next slayer will only be called when Faith dies.”

Buffy nods and paces the center of the room a moment. “And she’s doing 15 to 20 in prison. That doesn’t leave you guys with a lot of options. We had this discussion earlier this year, before I defeated Glory but I’ll recap for you. I can’t do your drills; I can’t execute your pointless exercises. I’m not even going to try. Being turned didn’t increase my understanding of Japanese. It did increase some things. I’m faster, I’m stronger and I’m 98% more invulnerable then I was before. I’m a vampire. I’ve got a soul and I’m still a slayer. If you want to go back to watching Masterpiece Theater, be my guest. I’m still gonna slay, you guys just can’t watch. But, if you’re willing to work with me and Angel.” She nods over in my direction. “We can do a lot of damage together. And the same conditions I gave you before, those still apply.”

Quentin clears his throat before speaking. “Yes well, we’d have to speak to Mr. Giles and see if he is still willing to hold the position of watcher to a-“he trails off as Buffy stalks closer to him.

“I’d be honored to take the position, Quentin. She is still, very much my slayer.” Giles speaks up.

“And the civilians?” Another watcher asks.

“The civilians will still be assisting me, provided they want to.” Buffy says, looking at her friends lined along the wall. “I’ve got one more condition.”

Buffy walks closer to Quentin. She was standing inches away from him. “The council once had a policy in dealing with vampires with souls. I want that policy reversed. In fact, I want it written down in your watcher laws, or whatever you call it, that as long as Angel is walking this earth, the watcher’s council will assist him if he is ever in need of it.”

“Miss Summers, that’s preposterous. It’s one thing for us to assist you, you were a slayer. It’s quite another for us to assist Angelus.”

“His name is Angel and this is sort of one of those conditions where if you don’t agree, I don’t slay. I’ll put my stake up in a drawer and sit for the rest of eternity just to spite you guys.”

“Err, well, I’ll have to discuss this with the rest of my colleagues.” Quentin refuses to make eye contact with Buffy.

She steps back. “Make it quick. Having forever hasn’t increased my patience.” Buffy walks over to Giles. She whispers so the council can’t hear her, but my sensitive ears pick it up.

“You are okay with this, right Giles? I mean still being my watcher and all.”

“Indeed. I’m rather looking forward to it. I think it will prove quite fascinating to chronicle.” Giles says.

Buffy smiles at him. “So that’s a yes, right?”

Giles chuckles, “That’s a yes.”

The huddle of watchers breaks apart and Quentin steps forward. “We believe can make such an exception for Angel, as long as he has his soul.”

“Good, then I can make an exception and slay for you, as long as you stay out of my way. If that’s settled, don’t you guys have a plane to catch back to the Mother country?”

Buffy and Willow are out shopping, again. Dawn is scheduled to move in with us next week. Buffy is determined to make the mansion “homey”. Her words, not mine. I still don’t see a problem with it. Buffy has at least tried to take my tastes into account. There is an expensive oriental rug on the floor in front of the fireplace now. There are throw pillows all over the couch, which is now positioned in front of the wide screen TV. There are prints by classical artists on the walls, a Rembrandt, and a Picasso. I hadn’t even known Buffy knew who either were.

There are also mirrors hanging on the walls. It started with one. Dawn being Buffy’s excuse for buying it. There are now six scattered all over the mansion. I can’t stand them. Every time I pass a mirror and see nothing it bothers me. It reminds me what I am. It throws me into a brood that even Buffy has a hard time pulling me out of. I’ve started to avoid them like I avoid patches of sunlight.

She’s home. I feel her long before she gets out of the car. She and Willow walk in laden with packages. She kisses me lightly and sets her bags down. “I missed you.” She declares.

I smile. I can’t help it. The idea of this beautiful creature missing me never fails to bring a smile to my face. I’m still uncertain what I have ever done to deserve her love, but it’s not something I’m going to argue with. “I missed you too. What did you buy?” I ask, even though I’m fairly certain I’d be happy not knowing.

“Well, I noticed we needed more of those beeswax candles you like, so I got those and some more towels, new sheets for Dawn’s bed. Gap had a sale I couldn’t pass up.” She looks guilty as she pulls an item from a bag. It’s another damn mirror.

“Buffy, I hope that’s going in Dawn’s room.” My tone is harsher then I intended for it to be.

“Actually, I thought it’d look nice in our bedroom.”

“No. I am not having mirrors in our bedroom.” I cross my arms over my chest. It’s the final straw.

“Oh come on, Angel. It’s not like it’s going to kill you to not see yourself.” She argues with me.

“Buffy, what is your obsession with mirrors. You don’t cast a reflection, you never will, no matter how many of the damn things you buy.” I can’t help but notice Willow trying to sneak into the kitchen, out of the line of fire.

She shrugs. “I don’t know. I can’t get used to it. It’s like if I buy the right mirror, I’ll look inside of it and I’ll be there. For some reason it bothers me. It just always seemed right that you didn’t have a reflection. I used to love to sit on my bed with you, me reflected in the mirror even though you weren’t. It was like even though I couldn’t see you, you were there and maybe that would always be the case. It didn’t matter if I couldn’t see you, you were there with me. And I’m not making any sense now but if I can’t see me, am I still there? And then I think are you still there? Will I forget what I look like? If I can forget what I look like then I can forget what Mom looks like and I won’t remember that I have her nose or her mouth.” Buffy’s voice trembles and she’s fighting tears. Finally, the real reason for all the mirrors.

“Buffy, look at me.” I tuck my fingers under her chin and turn her face up to mine. “Every time I look at you I see a reflection of my self, how I look to you, in your soul. It makes me smile because I realize how beautiful you see me. No one has ever seen me that way and its better then a mirror, because no mirror has ever given me such a reflection. If you look at me, see inside my soul, you’ll see a reflection of yourself there, just as I see you.”

She looks deeply into my eyes, her own hazel ones searching mine. Her brow is furrowed with concentration. After a moment she smiles and tears of a different sort fill her eyes. She brings her hand up to my cheek and touches it gently. “You’re right. I like the way you see me better then any mirror.” She leans up and kisses me gently, careful to pull away before it gets too heated. “Thank you. Now can we get rid of all these mirrors?”

It doesn’t take long before most of the mirrors are in the dumpster. Willow takes a couple home and Buffy puts two in Dawn’s room that she thinks she’ll particularly like. The house has taken on a decidedly less creepy feel for me at least. We take a quick sweep of the cemeteries, accompanied by Willow, Tara, Xander, and Anya. I am not surprised when we fail to turn up any vampires. The group makes enough noise to scare the freshly risen undead. Xander and Anya’s bickering alone would irritate a vampire to death. I would know, as it is currently irritating me to a breaking point.

“Do you two do anything besides bicker?” I snap.

“Well, we have a lot of sex. We don’t argue when we have sex.” Anya says cheerily.

“An, sweetheart, remember the no sex talk in front of my friends rule?” Xander says slightly embarrassed.

“Well, yes, but Angel isn’t your friend. You can’t stand him. Don’t you remember? You told me all this just the other night.” Anya says.

Xander rolls his eyes and manages to look sheepishly at Buffy. “Anya, honey that was weeks ago, weeks and weeks.”

“Oh, he’s trying to save face now, you see. He doesn’t want Buffy to know that he hates her bloodsucking boyfriend. I tried to explain to him that it’s much more natural for the two of you to be together now since she’s also a blood sucking vampire but he always tries to hush me when I get that far into the logic.” Anya helpfully explains to me and Buffy.

“Yeah, we get it, Anya. Thanks for the insight.” Buffy says with a glower directed at Xander.

“No problem, we demon girls have to stick together. Maybe I could make a union or a support group. Of course, I’m demon in the ex but I still stay we have to stick together.” Anya continues.

“Anya, honey, less talking, more patrolling.” Xander makes another attempt at shutting Anya up.

“You know, I think the patrolling is a completely monster free zone tonight. Let’s just throw in the towel. We can go back and watch Monster movies if you can stand to be in the company of two blood suckers, Xander. Think before you answer because all that fake blood and killing in the movie might spur Angel and me to a killing frenzy. I could rip your throat out.” Buffy says with a scathing glance at Xander.

Have I mentioned another one of Buffy’s obsessions I can’t stand are her Monster movies? It’s not because the fake blood or the killing bothers me. I’ve done much worse then anything Hollywood can dream up and if they did think of it, there would be no way to portray it in its true horror. I just think she would rather watch something a little further from our reality, like The Sound of Music or a romantic comedy. Something with daylight and laughter, or maybe it hurts too much, seeing the things she can never have again. Guilt crashes down on me like a wave, holding me under.

Chapter Eighteen

-Buffy-

Dawnie has been here two weeks. I think it’s working out well. She’s out of school for the summer and working with Giles at the Magic Box. She spends a lot of time with her friends and I try not to harp on her about it. I mean really, I’m not the role model for staying out of trouble. As long as she doesn’t burn down the school gym, get her friends killed or manage to get turned into a vampire, I’ll be happy.

She seems to have gotten used to seeing pig’s blood in the fridge. I’ve gotten used to drinking out of a glass since I was afraid drinking from Angel would freak Dawn out. I think both Angel and I miss that, but he doesn’t like to talk about it so I don’t know.

For the most part I’m handling being a vampire better then Angel is handling it. He feels a lot of guilt I know and I’ve tried to tell him its okay. He just gets this far away look and goes off to brood. I try not to think about the things I won’t have or the things I won’t see. I try not to think about my friends all dying and me staying 20 forever. My only comfort is knowing Angel will always be there with me.

I’m lying awake watching him sleep. He’s on his stomach. I run my fingers along his spine. Who knew a back could be so beautiful. I place a kiss on his tattoo and he groans, letting me know he is awake. I lay my body over his back and whisper in his ear.

“Good morning.” I say, even though it’s really afternoon.

He smiles lazily at me and turns over, his arms capturing me and pulling me down to his lips. This is definitely the best way to wake up. My hands roam over his chest, fingers slipping in the waistband of his boxers, of their own accord. His kisses fire off every one of my nerve endings and the only things that exist are want and need. I place demanding kisses on his collarbone and at the base of his neck. My tongue slips out to lick the place where a pulse would be. Desire overcomes and I vamp out, my fangs sinking into his neck. He does that purr/growl thing I love and arches up into my mouth. He grabs my hips and pulls me closer to him with a moan. I retract my fangs and gently lap at the wound I’ve made. This elicits mewling sounds from him and somehow it turns me on even more.

With a gasp he shoves me away. His voice is ragged when he speaks. “Buffy, we can’t.”

Frustration overtakes me. “Angel, I’ve seen the way you look at me, the way you touch me. Your guilt overshadows everything. Do you really think either of us could be completely happy knowing that’s between us, knowing that will always be between us?” My voice is pitched louder then I intended for it to be.

He turns his gaze away from, unable to admit that I am right, at least about the guilt part. “I can’t help it, Buffy. I touch you and I remember when you were warm, I remember the first time I saw you in the sunlight, where you belong.”

I shake my head. “No, Angel. Where I belong is right here, with you. I miss the sunlight. I won’t lie to you. It kills me to know I’ll see all my friends die, I’ll see Dawn die. It doesn’t change that this is still where I belong, since the beginning of time, this where I’ve always belonged.”

Angel touches my face like he can’t quite believe I’m real. I don’t know how he does it. He somehow manages to make me feel like something rare and fragile. Our lips meet and the world around us melts away. His hands are all over me, cool hands, cool lips. Somehow both of us have been divested of our clothing and there’s nothing between us but skin and even that’s too much.

-Angel-

The sun has already set. I can smell the cool night air even before I open my eyes. I reach a hand out and my fingers brush Buffy’s cold skin. I can not help but mourn for a time when it would be warm. I open my eyes, hazy with sleep and lean over to kiss her awake. I brush blonde hair back from her face and choke. I stumble back off the bed and half crouch on the floor. The woman in my bed isn’t Buffy. I don’t know who she is but her throat has been savagely ripped out.

“Buffy!” I scream. Her name echoes off the walls of the room.

Dawn pushes open the door to the bedroom and pokes her head in. “Angel?”

I look up at her from my crouch on the floor. “Run, run to Giles and don’t come back.”

Chapter Nineteen

-Angel-

I remain crouched on the floor, listening until the sound Dawn’s footsteps have completely disappeared from my keen hearing. I get up slowly and squeeze my eyes tightly shut. It’s a nightmare. When I wake up Buffy will be sitting up in bed looking at me like I’ve grown a second head. Any moment I will hear her ask “Angel, what’s your damage?” I keep my eyes shut, any moment now. I open my eyes slowly. The blonde woman is still in my bed. The air is heavy with the scent of human blood. I put my hand over my chest as if I could physically feel my soul inside. It’s still there, I know it is, yet somehow there is a dead woman in my bed, other then the obvious dead woman who should be in my bed.

It’s inevitable. I’ve got to get closer to find out what’s going on. I turn the woman onto her back. There are several bites on her throat and one on each wrist. Whoever did this had fun, a lot of fun. I can feel the demon in me rejoicing at the sight and smell of so much carnage. Oh, God, what if Angelus has finally found a crack in my armor after all these decades. I pace the room. I’ve gotta find Buffy. If Angelus can get loose, she’s in danger. I’ve also go to get out of the room, the smell of human blood fills the air and makes Angelus howl even louder, struggling to get out.

My first call is to Giles.

“Is Buffy there?”

“Well, no. Dawn just showed up. Angel, what’s going on?” Giles asks.

“I don’t know. I need to find Buffy. Something has happened. Call Willow; have her do uninvited spells on her house, yours and Xander’s. Close the Magic Box and get home now. If Buffy comes by call me, but don’t invite her in. Don’t invite me in for that matter and keep Dawn with you. I’ll let you know more when I do.” I hang up the phone and rush out the door. I’ve got to find Buffy.

The sky has lightened and I rush into the courtyard of the mansion with my jacket pulled up over my head. I knew I was pushing it but I had hoped to find her, or some sign of her at the last minute. I found nothing. I couldn’t pick up her scent or feel her. I pick up the phone to call Giles, knowing he’s either already awake for the day, or more likely he didn’t sleep the night before.

“Hello,” He answers the phone. His voice sounds weary, but not in the least sleep fogged.

“It’s Angel. Have you heard anything from her?”

“No, not a word. Xander, Willow, Tara and Anya are here also.” Giles said. I could almost hear him take his glasses off and clean them.

“I couldn’t pick up a scent or feel her, there was nothing. It’s like she’s disappeared.” I choke on the word disappeared. I try to shut out thoughts of her being dust, another reason for no scent or feel. She’s a slayer. She’s stronger then other vampire out there. There’s no way she got dusted. I try to reassure myself. “Dawn is okay?” I ask.

“Other then being upset about her sister, she’s holding up well. She’d like to speak to you.”

There is a pause on the line and then I hear Dawn’s shuddering breath that lets me know she’s been crying. “Dawnie, I’ll find her. I promise.” It’s a promise I hope I can keep, I’ll die trying.

Its morning but I know there will be no sleeping until I find Buffy. I use the mansion’s sewer access and spend the better part of the day in Sunnydale’s extensive sewer system. I even pound on Willy. He’s got nothing for me. It’s dark when I get back to the mansion. I stop a few feet from the door. It smells like Buffy. I can’t feel her but I can smell her. I quicken my pace and burst through the front doors. The entire place smells like her again. It also still smells like human blood. I fall to my knees in front of the new coffee table Buffy bought only a few weeks ago. On top of it is a human heart with a note.

Love you with all my heart and soul, oops, well heart at least.

Buff

Nightmares are coming true and not just mine. Buffy may have been human when she learned it, but she learned about evil from the best of them. She learned from Angelus and her gifts to me smack of his teaching.

I pick up the phone and make the call I’ve been dreading. At least I know I’m not a danger to them now. I also know I am not going to be welcome over there. This is my fault. I should have taken control. I should have had more willpower. I had no right to put Buffy and the others in such danger. I was so foolish.

I have one more call to make before I go back out into the night to search for Buffy. I have to think like Angelus now. I dial the number for the Hyperion. Cordy answers in her usually cheerful tone.

“Angel Investigations, we help the hopeless.”

“Cordy, it’s Angel. Gather everyone up, go in Wes’ office and turn on the speakerphone. I have a lot of things to tell you and not much time.” For once in her entire life Cordy doesn’t argue with me.

I pace the entire time I’m telling the story. I can only assume they are in shock as the only I hear is an occasional gasp from Cordy or and Oh dear from Wesley.

“So Buffy, the slayer, stronger then a normal vamp anyway, is running around without a soul?” Cordelia says.

“Don’t underestimate her. She’s stronger then any vamp I’ve ever come across. She would take the group of you down without even breaking a sweat. I want Angel investigations moved to either Cordelia’s apartment or Wesley’s. Take Fred and Gunn with you. I’ll let you all know as soon as I find out anything.”

“Angel, if you like we could come to Sunnydale, perhaps we could be of assistance. There is really nothing pressing here, certainly nothing like a Slayer turned vampire gone evil.” Wes says.

I sigh and push my hands through my hair. The help would be invaluable. I don’t know if they are any safer there then they are here. If Buffy wants to hurt me it’s just as easy for her to get to my friends in LA as it is to get to them here. “That’s up to you guys. I can’t guarantee your safety from either place.”

“So, Angel, how bad is this chick? I mean we’ve faced some pretty bad vamps.” Gunn says.

I only need to say one thing. Gunn won’t get it but Wes and Cordy will. I’m sure they can adequately explain the nuances of it. “She learned from Angelus. Let’s just say she was a very apt pupil.”

Chapter Twenty

-Buffy-

I lurk. He’s slowly going crazy with grief and it’s delicious. Angel’s grief has always had such texture and weight. I just couldn’t fully appreciate it until now. He’s so wrapped up in his misery he doesn’t even feel me near. I can feel him though, I can feel that nasty soul and it itches like an infected boil. It’s the first thing on my list to get rid of, after I’ve had a little bit of fun.

I drag the little blond I caught in the alley behind the Bronze with me. I think perhaps she goes to school with Dawn. That’s nice kill two birds with one stone, provided Angel doesn’t decide to be the knight in shining armor and try to protect my precious baby sister. I sling her over my shoulder and walk inside the mansion. The nice thing about tormenting a vampire, no invitation needed. I build a fire in the hearth and arrange my present in front of it. I place one of Angel’s favorite books of poetry in her hands. I take a red lipstick out of the bathroom and draw a heart on the dead girl’s bare midriff. Inside of the heart I write Buffy+Angel 4ever. I take a mirror from Dawn’s room and carefully arrange it on the wall next to the fireplace. On the mirror I leave a little note for my Beloved. “You bring out the very best in me, hope you enjoy your present I didn’t quite drink it all, love Buff.” I seal it with a big red kiss. He’ll adore it. I smirk to myself as I walk out of the mansion.

My next stop is Giles’ apartment. I don’t even try to get in. I know Saint Angel and his first call would have been to Giles and the rest of the “Scoobies” God could I ever have been that lame. I watch gleefully as they huddle together in his living room, all sipping tea and flipping through research books. I can smell the fear coming off of them in waves. Dawn is sitting on the couch crying. I lick my lips. She wouldn’t be enough to even quench my thirst but it would be heavenly nectar, so young, sweet and absolutely terrified.

I settle for a snack at the Bronze, something young and supremely stupid. I think he was quarterback for the football team a couple of years ago. He might have been one of Cordelia’s boyfriends at one point. I’m really not sure. I mean who could keep track of them all. I make a stop at Willy’s. He greets me in his usual loud fashion, announcing the presence of a slayer in order to clear out the bar. I don’t mind much this time. It suits my purposes, although it’s always more fun to put on a show when there is an actual audience.

I grab his scrawny neck and slam it down to the bar. I morph into my vamp face and get very close to him. I try to ignore the pungent greasy smell coming off of him. “Some things around here have changed, Willy. If Angel comes sniffing around wanting information about me, what do you tell him?”

“I-I-I’ll tell him anything h-he wa-wa-wants to know.” Willy can barely get the words out he’s so scared. I resist the urge to laugh. I pull his arm up over his back and twist hard enough to hear a crack.

“What do you tell him?” I ask patiently. I mean really, if I was impatient I would have snapped his neck at the first wrong answer.

“No-noth-nothin’” he sputters out.

I release his arm and pat him on the cheek. “You’re not nearly as dumb as you look, Willy. I’ll be back. It’s really been a pleasure working with you.”

The smell of urine fills the bar as I walk out the door.

Angel’s friends are in town. Could he make this any easier for me? I mean really I had been considering a trip to LA, inconvenient, sure but if it makes my boy’s heart go pitter patter it’s worth the effort. They have split the group between Xander’s apartment and Willow and Tara’s. I’ve still got a few hours of night to find the perfect welcoming gift.

I find him quite unexpectedly coming out of the Sun cinema. He’s got a girl with him. I snap her neck, she is of no consequence. He runs and that’s okay. I laugh and yell down the alley. “All work and no play makes Buffy a very dull girl.” I give chase a leisurely pace.

I am just finishing arranging my present, complete with a dozen red roses and a teddy bear, when I feel him. I pout. I wanted to stick around and watch when Cordelia found John Lee sitting on Willow’s doorstep, his neck broken. I whirl and dart behind the building. He’s seen me and I can hear him coming. I wrinkle my nose and glance at the sky. I really wanted to save this for a moment when I’d have plenty of time to enjoy it. Oh well, there will be time for a round two.

I stop and lean against the wall, waiting for him to catch up. “What’s the matter, Angel? All that grief weighing you down? You’re moving kind of slow.” I glance at my nails and buff them on my jacket.

He doesn’t waste time with words. He knows from experience talking is a waste of time. He slugs me hard with a right hook. I shake it off and catch him in the head with a spinning sidekick. He’s stunned a moment but recovers remarkably well, catching me in the kidney with a jab. I head butt him and ram the heel of my hand under his chin. He lands on his back with a grunt. I straddle him, grinding into his groin. I rest the heels of my hands on his chest and lean down so that my lips are almost on his.

“Can Angelus come out to play?” I whisper huskily.

He throws me across the alley in answer. I hit the brick wall hard. The world dips sideways for an instant. He catches me by the throat and lifts me just slightly off the ground. I’m tired of playing. I grab his wrist and twist his arm back until I hear a snap. I shove him away from me.

“Let me know when you’re ready to play with the big girls.” I take off at a sprint. I’m going to have to hurry if I want to make it to the basement under the ice rink before sunrise.

Chapter Twenty One

-Buffy-

“What do you tell him?” I ask patiently. I mean really, if I was impatient I would have snapped his neck at the first wrong answer.

“No-noth-nothin’” he sputters out.

I release his arm and pat him on the cheek. “You’re not nearly as dumb as you look, Willy. I’ll be back. It’s really been a pleasure working with you.”

The smell of urine fills the bar as I walk out the door.

“Can Angelus come out to play?” I whisper huskily.

“Let me know when you’re ready to play with the big girls.” I take off at a sprint. I’m going to have to hurry if I want to make it to the basement under the ice rink before sunrise.

Chapter Twenty Two

-Buffy-

I watch them from the bushes. I am torn. I’d like to follow and watch their amusing and fruitless hunt for me. It has been such a pleasure to witness their misery, to see their shock with every one of the gifts I’ve given them. They have been careful, always indoors when the sun goes down. Tonight is the first night I have seen any of them, Angel excluded, outside in the dark. I crouch patiently. I do not follow. Angel is with them and he will smell me or feel me, the way I feel him.

I watch as Quentin Travers leaves Giles’ apartment. I follow the scent of him to his hotel. I have an appointment to keep, but I believe I’ve got time to perform this important task before my appointment. He leaves his room to get ice and I’m there, lounging against the ice machine when he arrives. His face pales and he begins to shake. His fear is delectable.

“Hello, Quentin. Miss me much?” I smile at him. He begins to back up before dropping the ice bucket and running. He is a fat old man and no competition. A sharp elbow to his temple knocks him out until I have to time to play. I fish the keys to his rental car out of his pants pocket and deposit him in the trunk.

I hide the car in the woods near the skating rink and leave Quentin in the trunk. I can come back for him later. I slip into the ice rink. It’s Tuesday and the rink is closed. I grab a pair of ice skates and lace them onto my feet. I used to love to ice skate. Angel brought me ice skating once, of course that turned out well the assassins and all.

“Want to have a meeting here, Pet or is this a skating party?” The distinctive cockney accent cuts through the empty ice rink.

I skate leisurely over the wall of the rink where Spike is standing. “I hope you brought the real reason for the meeting, because if it’s just you, I’ll stake you right now.”

“And I thought you were a cocky lil bint before you were turned. He’s gettin out of the car.”

I make another lazy circle around the rink. I am pleased to see Spike has come through, or so it would appear, when my sorcerer walks through the door. He is a very tall human dressed in oh so passé black robes. He reminds me of Professor Snape. I skate back over to the wall and hold out my hand.

“Hi, I’m Buffy.”

The sorcerer nods and bows deeply. “Chyenord of the Molrosch clan.”

“Did Spike explain to you about my little problem?”

“He told me that it is in regards to the curse the Kalderash clan put on the vampire Angelus.”

“Exactly, that’s the problem. I want to get rid of it.” I hop up on the wall and begin to unlace my skates. “You don’t really have a problem with this, do you?”

“The Molrosch clan and the Kalderash clan have warred for ages. It will be a pleasure to undo what they have done.”

I clap my hands. “Goody. And as an added bonus we’ll go eat the Kalderash clan when I have my boy Angelus. I bet they’re spicy. I love spicy food. How long is this going to take because Sunnyhell, getting a little boring.”

“I shall gather my supplies and prepare things. I will need to be in the room with Angelus when I perform the spell.” Snape wanna-be says.

“That’s really not a problem. I think I can manage someway to get him here. Spikey, wanna come skate with me?”

“No, thanks Pet. I’ve had my full of loony vampire bints.”

I pout. “Please, Angel would.”

“No, Luv, Angel would tie you up and get Red to restore that soul he likes so much.” Spike says.

“Oooo that could be kinky, ‘cept for the whole soul part. It’s much more fun without one. Oh! That reminds me! I have a present in the trunk of the car. Well it’s a present for me, but I’ve been working very hard, making sure I got the right gifts for everyone else. I think I deserve it. You can watch if you wanna, Spikey. Can’t participate ‘cause you know, chip, but watching is you know, fun.”

I haul Quentin into the basement of the ice rink. I tie him to a chair and slap him across the face hard. It serves the purpose, he wakes up.

“Good morning.” I beam a smile at him.

He gulps and pales, as if just remembering what happened.

“You got nothing to say to me? I mean usually you’re so chatty.” I shrug. “It’s okay. I’ve got some tests and drills I want to put you through. I’m kind of new to this sort of thing so it could take awhile, a really long while.” I rip the front of his staunch and proper Brooks Brothers white shirt. I take a book of matches out of my pocket and light one.

“You know, I learned a lot about torture from reading the Watcher’s books. I know there’s hot, cold, blunt, sharp and loud. I think we’ll start with hot, because it’s really fun and it makes pretty colors.” I drop the lit match on his chest and close my eyes, savoring his scream.

“You’ve been at that for hours, Luv, don’t you think you should kill him and get it over with?” Spike says. He’s leaning casually against the wall of the basement.

I turn to him with a pout. “But I’ve only done hot, blunt and sharp. I still wanna do cold. I guess you can count his screams as loud but since it’s sort of self inflicted, I say it doesn’t count. You know what, Spike. Dru was right. You’ve gone soft. I mean I know, chip in your head, but really are you a monster or a man? Its pain, push through it.”

“Bloody easy for you say. You don’t get a small explosion in your head anytime you touch something human.”

“Oh, God, Spike, can you be any more boring? I’m really tired of this. You used to be a formidable foe. Now you’re a puppy with bad teeth.” I look through my limited supply of torture tools and try and decide what’s going to be next.

‘Now listen, here. Let me get this chip out of my head and I’ll show you puppy with bad teeth.” Spike bows up.

“Why not show me now? It’s not like I’m human anymore. Besides, Quentin here could use a rest. He’s either going to pass out or die if I do anything else to him.”

“I ought to. Then I’ll tie your skinny arse up and hand you back to the White Hats so they can do their oogly boogly on you.”

“You’re all bark and no bite, Spikey. You can’t fool me.” I’m taunting him. I know it and I don’t care.

He lunges at me with a roar. I side step it easily, my arms folded across my chest. I cover my mouth with a yawn. He throws a wide left hook. I duck it. He catches me in the ribs with a jab. I hit back with a roundhouse. I’m rewarded with a large gash on his sharp cheekbone.

“How the hell did you stay alive for 120 years? More to the point you took out two slayers? What was their damage?” I say as I dodge another hook, grab his wrist and sling him against the wall.

“You’re a bit stronger then the average slayer, or vamp for that matter now, Luv.”

“And with the whining again!” I sling a stake at him. He catches it, much the way I thought he would.

“Thanks, Luv, I was a bit under equipped for this fight.” He grins at me.

“You’re still under equipped, Spike.” I retort, launching a spinning hook kick at his temple. He ducks, but not quite fast enough. I still clip him on the head. He takes it in stride, coming back at me with a haymaker. I try to duck it, but I’m not quite fast enough. He follows up with a kidney shot and a right hook. I knee him in the groin and dance backwards while he’s swearing. I don’t give him a lot of time to recover. I pop him under the chin and lift him a few feet off the ground before he lands on his back. I pounce, staking him through the heart and turning him to dust before he can get his bearings.

I look back at Quentin and wrinkle my nose. “That just wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be.”

Chapter Twenty Three

-Angel-

I’m out of places to look. I’ve sent the others to their homes. They need rest. I lean back against a tree and close my eyes. I let out a big sigh. I’m not sure where else to look. I’ve exhausted my knowledge of common vamp hideouts in Sunnydale. Buffy has been impeccably covering her tracks. We find no sign of her unless she wants it found. I shudder to think about the damage she and Angelus could do together, even Darla was not as ambitious as Buffy is.

I struggle to remember any clues that I might have missed during my one meeting with Buffy, or on the dead people she’s left. I try to relax my body, open my mind and let miniscule details come to the forefront.

~”Hey, don’t be a baby, I’m not gonna hurt you.”~

~”It’s not that. I-“~

~”What?”~

~”You shouldn’t have to touch me when I’m like this.”~

~”Oh, I didn’t even notice.”~

I wake up with a start. I didn’t even realize I’d dozed off leaning against the tree. I remember now. She smelled like ice and used shoes. God, how could I have missed that? I dial Giles’ number.

“I think I know where she is. Do you remember the Ice Rink, just outside the city limits?” I say when Giles answers the phone.

“I’ve never been there, but I believe I’ve seen it before.” Giles says.

“Bring the others. Let Cordy and Fred stay with Dawn. Make sure you bring both tranq guns. I think we’ve got her this time. Now let me talk to Willow and Tara. I’m going to need their help.”

I meet the cars out on the road. I don’t want to tip her off that we’re here. I can smell her. She’s definitely here. I’ve kept my distance from the building. I don’t want her to feel me coming.

“Willow, Tara, you brought the things I asked for?”

The redhead nods. “It’s just a spell and a little bit of blessed sand. It might sting a little, but I think it will work.”

“It’ll sting, but it should be okay.” I say.

Willow murmurs some words in Latin and then tosses a handful of blessed sand over me. I close my eyes against it and grimace as the blessed grains smoke and sizzle my skin wherever it touches. There is a faint blue glow and then it’s gone.

“Ok, dampening spell done. She shouldn’t feel you coming.” Willow says.

“Good. I don’t know where she is in there, but I can smell her. Let’s go.”

The smell of blood is ripe as we push open the broken front doors. Someone who doesn’t care who knows has been here. The smell of blood leads us down in the basement.

I thought I was prepared for anything. Buffy has put me through hell this week. I wasn’t prepared to see her crouched down next to Quentin calmly cutting tiny shallow cuts in his forearm with a piece of broken glass and licking the blood that seeps out. She leaps up into the air, hits Quentin in the chest with a kick and sends the chair sliding back against the wall, out of her way.

“Goody, you brought help last time was just too easy.” She whips a stake from her waistband. “Now be a good boy, Angelus. I don’t wanna use this, but I will.”

I tackle her like a football player, slamming her against the wall. I can feel some of her ribs cracking under the blow and I wince. She laughs. “Oooo baby, I like it rough.” I hear her teeth clack together when my uppercut catches her in the jaw. I’ve just got to give Wesley and Gunn clean shots. I grab her by the hair and pull her in front of me; at the last second she grabs my biceps and flips me over her head. I land with a grunt but kick up to my feet just in time to avoid a spinning half crescent kick. I grab her ankle and twist, sending her spinning through the air with a move I’ve seen her use a dozen times.

She lands in a half crouch and leaps into the air, launching a vicious side kick to my chest. I fly backwards and slam against the brick wall. She’s on me before I have time to respond with a flying fury of punches, jabs, uppercuts, hooks and a big roundhouse that I stop with my hand. I twist her wrist and pull her body back into mine. I wrap one arm around her throat, the other around her waist.

“NOW!” I scream.

Gunn and Wes hit her with eight shots of tranquilizer in the chest. Her body goes limp and I catch her in my arms. Giles is untying Quentin. I look up to him for confirmation. He shakes his head. I try to find it in my heart to feel sorry for him. No one should die like that.

We chain her up at the mansion. Willow has magically enhanced the chains, manacles and the head and footboard Buffy is chained to. I don’t know how long it will be until Buffy wakes up.

“Willow, when the book gets here, do you think you can do the spell?” I ask the little red head.

She nods. She hasn’t spoken to me much since Buffy lost her soul. “I think so. I mean I haven’t seen it. I don’t speak Chinese, so if it’s not translated I don’t know what we’ll do.”

“I’m pretty sure Wes speaks Chinese, possibly Giles does also. We’ll figure something out. If this works on Buffy, I want to try using it on myself.” My eyes meet Willow’s.

“Yeah, that would be good.”

“Willow, I’m sorry about all this. Buffy and I discussed it. We didn’t think either of us could come close to pure happiness with everything that’s between us. I know I can’t, apparently Buffy could.”

“Angel, I know you didn’t wake up one morning and say hey I’m going to turn my girlfriend into a murdering psycho, but did you really truly consider anything? I’m surprised Buffy hasn’t felt perfect happiness just having you back here! God, do you not have a clue how much you were missed? That first summer, I thought she was going to starve to death, or collapse from exhaustion. She used to call me in the middle of the night sobbing because she’d had a nightmare that you were dead or dying and needed her.”

“I had no idea. I thought she was doing exactly what I told her to do, moving on with her life, making a new one. She had Riley.” I argued.

“She had Riley because she thought that was what she was supposed to have, a normal boyfriend. News flash, Buffy wasn’t normal before she became vampire. Is it any surprise it didn’t work? You know this is really pointless. This new spell has to work because I’m not doing the old one. I’m not going to sit at home and wait until this thing blows up in our faces again and we’re faced with Hellbitch Buffy or Angelus.” She turns and stalks out of the room.

Buffy is out for several hours. When she finally comes around I’m tempted to shoot her with the tranq gun again.

“No fun to be chained up to the bed by myself. Come play with me, Angel. We’ll give perfect happiness another try. You can spank me. I’ve been a very naughty girl.” She yells at me from the bedroom. I’m sitting in the main room, trying to read, trying to take my mind off the woman in the next room. It’s only mid afternoon. The book with the spell won’t be here until the morning.

“What’s the matter, Angel? Things not working right? You know the saying, use it or lose it. Come on, Lover, I’ll be gentle. Well, ok I won’t but I’ll make sure all the plumbing is working.” Buffy yells again.

I continue to ignore her. Unfortunately it seems to just spur her on.

“Come on. I’m hungry. There was this sweet little blond girl working in The Espresso Pump last night. Go get her for me.”

I don’t want her hungry. She’ll only get more irritable and difficult. I go into the kitchen and warm up a big plastic glass of blood. I put a bendy straw in it. She wrinkles her nose the minute I walk in the bedroom with the blood.

“I want something fresh and warm.” She pouts.

“I got it from the butcher last night and I just heated it up.” I reply, knowing that’s not what she meant.

“Ok, rephrase. I want something human.” She says petulantly, like a child asking for a pony.

“That’s not going to happen, Buffy and you know it.”

“Come on, Angel. I’ve seen the way you look at Dawn. You want to sink your teeth into her soft smooth flesh and rip out her throat. You want to feel her hot, young blood pulsing down your throat. You know she’s made of me, my blood. I bet she tastes just like I did when you drank me.”

“Buffy, if you’re hungry you’re going to have to settle for pig’s blood.” I lower the glass near her head and position the straw where she can reach it.

“No thanks, I’d rather starve.” She glares at me. I set the glass on the nightstand and turn to leave. “Oh, come on, Lover. Go get Dawnie. She’d come with you. I’ll even let you fuck her before we drain her.”

“Buffy, shut up.” I walk out of the room, shutting the door behind me. I’ve got at least 18 more hours of this.

She spends the next several hours yelling words at me I wasn’t aware Buffy knew. Giles, Wes and Gunn offer to take a shift of “babysitting” as Gunn calls it. I finally let Gunn sit up with a tranquilizer gun while I sleep on the couch. I figure where Gunn grew up, he’s heard everything, besides she doesn’t know him. All her barbs will be impersonal and less hurtful. Somehow I tune her out and sleep for a few hours.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I open my eyes. I’m lying on the beach; waves are lapping at my bare feet. The sunlight is bright against my eyes. I panic and stand looking around franticly for shelter.

“It’s okay; you don’t have to be afraid here.”

I turn toward the voice. It’s Buffy. She’s wearing a white slip of a sundress. One strap slides off her thin tanned shoulder. Her golden hair is loose and blows in the ocean breeze.

“Did you really think I’d let my paradise be someplace you couldn’t be?” She smiles sadly and lays one hand on my cheek, warm little hand.

“Buffy, what are you doing?” I ask

“Waiting for you, and Willow, to bring me back.” She says simply. She wraps her arms around me. I pull her close, cherishing the feel of her warm body against my cool one.

“It won’t be easy when you get back.” I warn her.

“I know.” She looks sad. “You’ll be there, won’t you?”

“I’ll always be here, Buffy. Forever, that’s the whole point.”

“You said that to me once before. It was in a place like this.” She says.

“I don’t remember.” I say and I am sorry. I wish I could remember something like this.

“It’s okay. I think it was in my mind that time. Sometimes I get confused, your mind, my mind. It’s like our souls.”

“What about our souls, Buffy?”

She smiles at me and explains patiently, as if I were a child. “They made mine out of yours. That’s why we belong. We’re not just soul mates, we’re the same soul.” She lays her head on my chest for a moment and then looks back up at me. “I’ve got to go get ready now.”

She walks away from me. I turn to watch her go. She stops and looks over her shoulder. “Angel, no matter what happens when I get back, remember I love you”

“Buffy wait! Don’t go.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Angel, man, you okay?” Gunn is shaking me awake.

I sit up and shove one hand through my hair. The room is quiet. “Huh?”

“You were saying her name over and over again. Decided I better wake you up.”

I shake my head to clear it. “I’m okay. How’s she doing?” I nod toward the bedroom.

“Checked on her a little bit ago. She fell asleep maybe three hours ago. I thought she was never gonna shut up.” Gunn said shaking his head.

“Sorry about that. She doesn’t know you, so she couldn’t put in any personal jabs. I didn’t want Giles or Wes hearing anything. She can be hurtful like this.” I glance at the open door.

“Nah, Man it’s cool. You’re gonna need your sleep. She’s got a long road ahead of her.”

I step just inside the door and look at my beautiful girl. She looks like a child. No one would ever guess that less then 24 hours ago she tortured a man to death. “A very long road.” I whisper.

Chapter Twenty Four

-Angel-

Against my better judgment, Giles, Wesley and Willow have decided to tranquilize Buffy again. Willow is going to have to anoint her with some sort of holy oil that’s going to burn her and needless to say, Buffy isn’t being terribly cooperative. I have argued that all she can do is scream. I’d much rather have her awake for the spell, at least then I will be able to look into her eyes and tell if her soul has returned.

Wes draws up a long syringe of tranquilizer. He taps the bubbles out of it carefully. Buffy starts screaming again as soon as she sees the needle.

“It won’t hurt you, Buffy. It will just make you sleepy.” Wes tries to reason with her.

“Fuck off Wes. If I wanted to sleep I would. Go back to the Mother Country and let your father pussy whip you around the house.” She spits at him.

Wes flinches, even though he’s trying to be stoic. I stand off to the side with my hands in my pockets. I didn’t want to do this but I’m not going to interfere. Wes searches for a vein in her arm. It’s rather hard to find one on most vampires.

Buffy looks up at me and her eyes fill with tears. Her face crumbles. “Angel, don’t let him do this to me. Please, make him stop.”

I take a deep breath and turn my back. I know it’s not her but it’s everything I can do not to jerk the needle out of Wes’ hand, un-cuff her and take her in my arms.

“Angel, Angel, please don’t let him-“She trails off as the tranquilizer hits her. I pinch the bridge of my nose and will myself not to cry.

Wes puts the needle back in a black leather bag. “She was just trying to manipulate you, Angel.”

“I know that, Wes.” I snap, harsher then I really intended to be. “Look, I didn’t mean to snap. This has all just been really difficult.”

“It has, for everyone involved, but more so for you I imagine. We’ve been through worse, Angel. We’ll make it through this too.” Wes says.

I clear my throat and nod. “Thanks, Wes.”

Wes anoints Buffy’s sleeping form with the holy oil as Willow instructed him to. He murmurs an incantation under his breath as he does. It reminds me of a catholic ritual even though I know the particular spell Willow is using tonight is Chinese.

Willow is in the main room, preparing things for the spell. The council has thoughtfully provided us with a translation from the original. We have yet to inform them about Quentin.

“It’s really a lot like the gypsy curse, without the whole happiness clause.” Willow says as she studies the book. “Anyone know who Ti-Tsang Wang is?”

“Yes. He’s the God of Mercy in Ancient Chinese mythology. The myth goes that he roams the halls of hell looking for lost souls. He will do everything he can to prevent a soul from going to hell, even stop the cycle of a soul’s rebirth.” Wes explains.

“Buffy’s soul is not in hell.” I growl.

Giles clears his throat. “Of course not, it’s merely a myth I’m sure.”

“Well, let’s hope he’s in charge of all lost souls, ‘cause that’s the guy I’m praying to.” Willow says with a little sigh.

Large crystals are set at four points in the circle. Willow is burning some kind of incense in a carved burner. She sets a piece of parchment in front of the North crystal.

Dawn walks in somberly through the front door. I think this is the real reason Wes wanted Buffy tranquilized. I get that. I wish he’d told me. It would have made watching her beg and plead with me easier. Dawn’s eyes are red and swollen. I don’t know how much she’s been told but she’d have to be stupid not to realize that Buffy has been killing kids she went to school with.

I look down at the floor and avoid eye contact with Dawn. I’m so withdrawn into myself she catches me off guard with a tackling hug. There’s so much of Buffy in her. I didn’t think there would any other person capable of forgiving me the atrocities I’ve committed. I know in that moment that Buffy is right. The monks had to have created Dawn out of Buffy, out of her soul and her blood. If I take into account what Buffy told me in my dream about our souls, it also accounts for why Dawn has always felt like a little sister, like Kathy before I was turned.

I stroke Dawn’s hair and whisper soothing nonsensical things to her while she cries into my chest. I promise her that Willow will bring her sister back. Somehow I know it’s true. That’s Willow’s purpose; she has always brought Buffy back from whatever she needed bringing back from. Eventually, Dawn pulls away from me.

“I needed Dawn here. I don’t know if Buffy explained to you about Dawn being made by monks or not, but apparently they used part of Buffy to make her. I also need you here. I’m hoping by having parts of her soul here, it will make it easier for the rest of her to find its way back.” Willow says.

Buffy’s words from my dream come back to me. ~”They made mine out of yours. That’s why we belong. We’re not just soul mates, we’re the same soul.”~

“Okay this little different. The translation of what is going to happen is a little vague. Wes looked at it earlier, but we really don’t have the time it would take to come up with something more through. We should see something and the soul is going to go into a vessel, but I can’t find any mention of what that vessel is. There was no requirement for an orb, or an urn or box, only the crystals and the people. I know the Orb of Thessulah glows golden when it contains a soul. I think this other vessel with glow golden also and then it will be transferred to Buffy.”

“What do you mean, you think? I don’t want Buffy’s soul lost out there somewhere, trapped in a vessel that we don’t know where or what it is.” I say.

Willow shakes her head. “No the soul won’t stray far from the spell. I think maybe it will go into one of the crystals. The spell talks a lot about how important the four point crystals are and that there have to be trustworthy people behind the crystals.”

Willow takes the North crystal, Giles the south. Dawn is naturally the east, the rising sun, and I am the west, the setting sun. Wesley and Gunn stand guard in Buffy’s room.

Willow lights paraffin candles around the room and returns to her position in front of the North crystal.

“Ti-Tsang Wang we plead with you guide Buffy’s soul, find what is lost and bring it home again. Ti-Tsang Wang we implore you, do not ignore our plea. Guide Buffy’s soul. Gift her with her soul Find what is lost and bring it home again.”

I am struck by the simplicity of a spell with such power. There is a moment of utter silence; the air is liquid and thick. Everything is far away, sounds, sights wavering and then I feel as if I am struck by lightening. I bend over double, gasping for breath. Then I feel it, her soul. It has returned home. Willow, Dawn and Giles are gaping at me. I sprint to Buffy, afraid it’s going to leave, and wanting so much to savor the feeling of her soul. It’s so beautiful, unshed tears gather in my eyes. I lower my lips to hers and breathe out. As our lips join, I feel it slipping away and it’s okay because I know it’s going to reside in its rightful place. Buffy’s entire being glows golden for a moment and then it fades away slowly, like a flame burning out.

“Someone wanna give me the 411 on what just happened?” Gunn asks.

Willow starts and stops, obviously not sure herself.

“I was the vessel. A dream I had, Buffy told me. It made sense when it happened.” I smile and shake my head in disbelief.

“Still not seeing the whole picture.” Gunn says.

“In my dream, Buffy told me we weren’t soul mates. Her soul is made out of mine, we’re not soul mates, we’re the same soul. Willow’s spell asked this god to return the soul home. It did. I just had to make sure it got to the right home.”

Gunn is staring at me and shaking his head. “Ok, man, you know when Cordy and Wes filled me in on the whole Buffy and Angel thing they mentioned a twisted version of Romeo and Juliet. Dude, you two make Romeo and Juliet look like a one night stand.” He walks out of the room, still shaking his head.

I sent everyone away. I know waking up with your soul, and knowing you did things that you can never forgive yourself for, isn’t something you want to share with the world. I make tea. I don’t know why. It’s soothing I guess. I unlock the chains and manacles holding her. I have no doubt she will be herself when she wakes up. I felt her soul. I put the chains away in the trunk at the foot of the bed. I call the butcher and have him deliver fresh blood. I call the florist and have a dozen white roses delivered. I’m wasting time. I know she’s going to wake up soon. The tranquilizer wasn’t as strong as the last dose we gave her.

I’m sitting next to the bed in a chair, trying to read Shakespeare. Gunn’s comment urged me to pick up Romeo and Juliet. Her eyelids flutter and it’s almost as if I can sense it. I lay my book to the side and lean forward, my elbows on my knees. I take her hand in mine and kiss the knuckles. Her hands are cool, after the dream I expected them to be warm somehow.

“Angel,” she says with a soft smile in that sleepy voice that I love.

I smooth her hair back from her face and smile at her. I’ve got to be strong. She’s going to start remembering soon and I can’t let my guilt overcome me. Hers is the only one that matters right now. “I love you.” I tell her. She needs to know that, before she remembers, before she’s filled with the horror of all the things she’s done. She needs to know that I don’t care, that I know and I love her anyway.

I can see the exact moment she starts to remember. Her beautiful hazel eyes, eyes I love so much, register fear first, then shock and disgust and horror. Her face crumbles; she curls her body into itself. That’s my cue. I crawl into the bed with her and pull her tiny body into mine. I let her cry. I’ve been through this, twice. I know there is nothing I can say, nothing I can do that will make this better.

Chapter Twenty Five

-Angel-

She’s been back for three days and she won’t eat. She doesn’t talk about it. She sits on the bed in silence or she sleeps. I spend most of my time in the room with her, reading. I sleep, but not much. I’m afraid she’s going to wake up and need me. Logic tells me I’ll wake up, I’m a light sleeper. I don’t trust logic, not when it comes to Buffy. I’ve let everyone know that Willow’s spell worked and promise I’ll keep them informed. No one calls to check on her. I know they are uncomfortable and I understand why. It still makes me furious.

I warm up a glass of blood and take it into the bedroom. I set it on the nightstand.

“Buffy, you’ve got to eat. The longer you go without eating the worse it’s going to hurt.” I sit down on the edge of the bed. She doesn’t look at me.

“It should hurt. I deserve to hurt.” Her voice is raspy from crying.

I can’t argue with her, not right now. She wouldn’t believe me. “Buffy, this isn’t the way to inflict pain on yourself. It will only make things worse. The longer you go without food, the harder the demon gets to control.”

I scoot over closer to her and pull her into my arms. She doesn’t resist, but she doesn’t respond either. I open the vein on my wrist and hold it to her mouth. At first I think she’s going to resist that also, but finally she starts drinking. She lays her head against my chest when she’s finished and cries herself to sleep. I slip out from underneath her and go into the main room.

I feel so damn helpless, so useless. I can’t make her pain any less, I can’t fix anything. I drive my fist into the stone of the fireplace. A tiny crack appears. I punch it again and again, at some point tears spill down my face. The stone façade crumbles. I reduce an entire section to little more then dust before collapsing on the floor. I pull my ruined hands over my head and sob.

I wake up on the rug in front of the fireplace. The fire has burned down to embers. The smell of blood hangs in the air. I glance down at my hands. They are caked with blood but most of the wounds have already begun to heal. This is the smell of fresh, wet blood. I roll up to my feet and walk over to the closed bedroom door. I twist the door handle. It’s been locked, or something heavy has been shoved against it.

“Buffy, let me in.” I pound on the door but get no response. “Come on, Buffy, don’t do this to me.” When there is still no response I ram into the door with my shoulder. It gives a little. I do it again, finally busting through and pushing aside the wardrobe Buffy had moved in front of the door.

She’s standing next to the bed. She looks like a statue of the Virgin Mary I remember seeing in church when I was a child. She is pale, so pale she almost glows like marble. Tears glisten down her cheeks. The pain and horror in her eyes is tangible. She’s wearing a white tee top and a pair of pajama bottoms with flying pigs or something on them. She’s standing barefoot in a pool of blood. She holds an ornate dagger in her left hand. She has cut her wrists to the bone.

“I’ve got to get it all out, Angel, all the blood. I can feel it itching inside of me. I can hear them screaming. I’ve got to get all their blood out of me.” Her voice is distant. She reminds me eerily of Drusilla.

I can’t think. All I can see is my Buffy standing in so much blood. I know it won’t kill her, but that doesn’t make my panic for her well being go away. I grab the first aid kit out of the bathroom and gather her in my arms. I take her away from all this blood to the main room and lay her on the couch. Patiently, carefully, through tear veiled eyes I apply antibiotic cream, even though logically I know vampires don’t get infections. I wrap her fragile wrists in layers and layers of white gauze.

“Buffy, you have to promise never to do something like that again.” I hold both of her wrists in my hand, careful not to jostle them or cause her anymore pain.

“Why? I won’t die. I’ll never die, but all those people did. They died because of me. I killed them.”

“You didn’t kill them, Buffy. A demon killed them, a demon that wore your face and your hands and has your memories, but it was not you. You don’t have it in you to kill a person.” I place a gentle kiss on each of her wrists.

“I had to get their blood out, Angel. It was boiling and itching and I couldn’t take it anymore.” Her voice is so tiny, so distant; I don’t if I would even hear if it weren’t for my keen hearing. No that’s wrong, I would always hear Buffy, even in Hell I heard her. I felt her tears and her pain and it was worse then anything the demons there could have devised for me.

I pick her up and settle her on my lap. I kiss the crown of her head and nestle her closer to me. I wrap my arms around her and wish I could keep her in the shelter of my body for the rest of eternity.

“How can you even touch me? I killed all those people, lots of them just for fun.” She asks.

“Buffy, there is nothing you can ever do that will make me stop touching you, or wanting you, or loving you. I know it seems like you did those things. I know what it’s like to be able to remember your hands, and the taste of the blood in your mouth, to remember their screams and to feel like you did those things. But you didn’t, the demon inside of you did it, just like Angelus was the one who killed Jenny, and hurt you when I lost my soul.”

“I wanted to kill Dawn, and so many other horrible things.” Her voice is so muffled I almost don’t hear it.

“But you didn’t.” I tell her.

“I wanted to! I wanted to rip her throat and drink down her blood like it was water.” She pounds on my chest with little fists. I pull her closer. It is the first emotion she has had besides crying.

“Shhh, you didn’t. That’s what matters. Remember the Christmas it snowed, the Christmas you saved me. I wanted a lot of things. I didn’t act on any of them. You’re stronger then the demon, Buffy.”

“I’m not strong, Angel. I borrowed strength from everybody, from Mom, Giles, Willow, Xander and you. I don’t want strong anymore. I should have died. I should be bones in my coffin now. I shouldn’t have to be strong anymore. “

God, just when I thought she couldn’t break me any more. I squeeze her tightly; afraid she’ll still be taken away from me. I close my eyes and I can see her diving from the top of that tower, the portal making her glow with a beautiful white light. I take a deep breath of her. Somehow she still manages to smell like vanilla and sunshine.

“I’m sorry, Buffy. It’s my fault you’re not. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get through my life without you, not after the dreams, not after I’d been warned, not when I had a chance to save you. I need you to be strong. You are my strength. Strong is fighting, it’s hard and its everyday, but we can do it together, Buffy. You told me that. Now I’m telling you that. We will get through this, together.” I take her face in my hands and kiss her lips. At first she doesn’t respond to me, then she returns the kiss and wraps her arms around my neck. She buries her head in the crook of my neck.

“Can I just stay here forever?” She whispers against my neck.

“I have no qualms with that.” I say settling back against the couch, blessed to be holding in my entire world in my arms.

Chapter Twenty Six

-Buffy-

I sit curled up in a ball in the corner of the room. I can hear their screams. I don’t want to close my eyes, if I do it means I have to see them. How could I have done so much damage in such a short amount of time? I’ve killed vampires for what seems like most of my life. I know what they are capable of, but knowing and actually doing are two different things. I guess there’s not a vampire rehabilitation center. There isn’t a handbook on how to deal with this. I never got the slayer handbook, so maybe I’m just not getting the How to deal with losing your soul and going on a murdering rampage handbook either.

Angel keeps telling me it wasn’t me that did all those things. It was the demon. Somehow it’s easier to believe that when it’s his demon instead of mine. I wasn’t supposed to a demon. I was supposed to die saving the world. There would have been another girl called and everything would be right. Angel says it wouldn’t. He says there will be other slayers; there will never be another me. Maybe that’s a good thing. Ask Quentin if he’d like another me working for the watcher’s council. Oh wait, you can’t, because I tortured him to death.

Angel’s words from so long ago come back to haunt me. “You have no idea what it’s like to do the things I’ve done and care.” I do now. I wonder how he made it as far as he has. I wonder how he finds the strength to get up in the evening. I can’t. I can’t walk into the sunrise either because I deserve this. I don’t get to take the easy way out.

He walks in the room and comes to crouch on the floor beside me. He doesn’t say anything. There’s a lot of that now. Not because it’s uncomfortable, but because there’s nothing to say. He can’t make it better with words. He can’t make me forget the things I’ve done and he can’t make it hurt less. So he offers me his presence, his self. He thinks it helps. It just makes me guiltier. I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve to have him love me or have him sympathize with me. I deserve to be thrown in a cage and tortured for the rest of my eternity. He won’t let that happen though, my knight in shining armor, maybe not so shining but my knight none the less.

“Buffy, you need to eat.” He says softly.

I nod. I know I have to eat whether I want to or not. He’s explained what will happen if I don’t. I don’t move from my corner though. He strokes the hair back from my face so he can see my eyes. I look up into his.

“Angel, when I die I know the demon goes back to hell, but where does my soul go? Does it go to hell with the demon?”

He sighs. “I don’t know. It’s not exactly something you come back from. I think maybe it depends on the soul. I believe in redemption. I believe you can make up for the things you’ve done. I hope that if I do enough good things in this world, when I die my soul gets to go wherever yours is.”

“I think mine is going to go to Hell.”

He pulls me into his arms and holds me there quietly. “Buffy, you have never done anything truly horrible when you had your soul. If anyone gets to go to Heaven, I think you do.”

I shrug. “Maybe there isn’t a Heaven.”

“Yes, Buffy, there is a Heaven. Maybe it’s not called that, but there is a beautiful wonderful place souls go.”

“How do you know, Angel? Have you ever been there?”

“I know because I can’t hold a cross. I know because I can’t dip my fingers in holy water. I know there is a Heaven because I know there is a higher power then us. And I know that because only a higher power could give me you. Angels don’t fall from Heaven every day you know.” He says this last with a smile. I can hear the way the tears he’s holding back makes his voice thick.

“I bet you use that line on all the girls.” I don’t want him to cry. It hurts when he cries.

“Only one girl, the girl, my girl.” He says kissing the top of my head.

“Always.”

The house smells like white roses and night blooming jasmine. Angel keeps ordering these flowers and putting them all over the place. I know he’s trying to make me smile and I try. I just can’t. I mean I’m here. I can smell my flowers and I can read books and watch TV and wrap myself inside the love of my life. None of the people I killed can do any of those things, ever again because of me. It’s not fair and I don’t have the right to do any of those things anymore. So I don’t, except for the part about Angel. It hurts him when I don’t respond to him, or when I shy away from him. I’ve hurt enough people. I don’t need to hurt the person that loves me most anymore.

Its early morning. Angel and I are curled around each other in bed. I’m in that drifty, hazy state before sleep. I wrinkle my nose as I feel a sharp pinch. I reach back to brush my shoulder blade. The space beside me is suddenly vacant and I’m awakened completely by a feral roar. I am pulled from the bed by rough arms. In my sleep haze I can’t think. Angel is fighting in full vamp face. There are half a dozen humans in the room. I elbow one of the humans holding my arm and jerk out of the other’s grasp. They are hurting Angel. I slam the heel of my hand into a man’s nose. He falls to the ground screaming and holding his bloody nose. I duck as the butt of tranquilizer gun comes toward my head. I grab the man’s arm and twist. I hear the bone snap and the gun falls to the floor. I kick it under the bed. Angel picks up another man and throws him across the room. He takes a gun away and hits another man on the head with it, sending him to the floor. There’s only one conscious man still here. Angel grabs him by his shirt and slams him against the wall.

“Who are you?” he growls around his fangs.

“W-wa-watcher’s council, special ops.” The man manages to say.

“Who sent you?”

“Ne-new council head, Geoff Smythe.” The man stutters out.

“Which of us were you sent for?” Angel continues the line of questioning. I don’t know why he even asked that, it’s a Duh question.

“Slayer.” He says, his eyes catching mine.

Angel knocks his head against the wall, knocking the man out cold, and lets him slide to the floor.

“Come on, Buffy, pack. I’ve got to get you out of here. Giles for now, we’ll decide where to go from there.” He grabs a bag from the armoire and starts throwing clothes in it. He also grabs two heavy woolen blankets.

We take the sewer access out. We can’t use it to get into Giles apartment, but we can get close enough. Angel pulls a blanket tightly about me, covering me from head to toe.

“I climb up first, be right behind me.” He instructs. I shy away from the sunlight as he moves the manhole cover. He climbs up into the light, unafraid. I’m right behind him. He waits for me up top. He pulls me in front of him, under his blanket, protecting me with his body. We run hunched over to Giles’ door. Angel pounds on the door. I can smell him smoking and it scares me. If I lose Angel, I don’t have anything. I start banging on the door too.

“Good Lord, if it’s not apocalyptic-“Giles says. He trails off when he looks up and sees Angel and I huddled in the doorway.

“Invite us in, hurry.” Angel says.

“Come in” he steps to the side and shuts the door behind us. Angel throws the blankets off both of us and takes me in his arms. He examines me closely for any signs of burns.

“I’m okay, what about you? You took the brunt of the exposure.” I run my fingers over his face.

“I’m fine.” He guides me over to the couch and we both sit down.

“I take this is not an afternoon social call?” Giles perches in the chair across from us.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know where else to take her. When did the council find out about Travers?” Angel says.

“I talked to them a few days ago.” Giles glances at me. “I told them it was a random attack.”

“They didn’t buy it. They were at the mansion today. Shot Buffy with some tranquilizer that wasn’t close to strong enough.” Angel says.

“You’re quite alright?” Giles asks looking at me.

I nod. “Shoulder’s a little numb.”

Giles stands up and moves to examine it. I move away from his touch. He looks hurt and the instant I do it I regret it.

“I’m sorry, Giles. It’s not you. It’s me. Oh, God, I’m having a really hard time with this. I need to not be here.” I look around franticly for a place to hide. Angel moves closer to me and wraps himself around me, giving me a place to hide. I bury myself in his chest. He pulls a blanket up over me and strokes my hair.

“If we can just stay here until nightfall, I’ll take her somewhere until this is over with.” Angel says. It feels good to have his chest rumble with the vibrations of his voice against me.

“Of course, you can both stay as long as you like. I’d help if I could, but somehow I doubt the watchers are going to be happy to hear from me. They already hold the opinion that I love Buffy too much.” Giles says.

“It’s going to tip them off that we’re here, but can you have the butcher deliver some blood. She hasn’t eaten today.” Angel says.

“Neither have you, I’ll wager.” Giles says as he picks up the phone. I can hear him dial the numbers.

“No, but I can go a few days without it. She can’t.”

A little while later Angel and I are cocooned in Giles’ guest bedroom. I’m curled up against him and the temptation to throw open the curtains on the windows is strong. They’d leave him alone if it weren’t for me. I inch away from him, watching carefully to make sure he’s still sleeping. He catches me by the wrist just as I’m almost off the bed. His eyes snap open.

“Buffy, don’t even think about it. They wouldn’t let me go even if they had you. Stay with me.” I can see straight to his soul and I see how much he loves me. When Angel looks at me like that, I’m still that 16 year old girl hopelessly in love for the first and last time in her life.

“Always,” I answer and crawl back in bed with him.

Chapter Twenty Seven

-Angel-

We leave as soon as the sun sets. Giles drives us to my Plymouth. There is no sign of the Special ops team. I have no doubt they are watching this place though.

“Should you need anything, please let me know.” Giles says as we get into the car. I keep the top up for more privacy. “And do let me know you’re safe from time to time. I shall do everything I can on this front.”

Buffy impulsively hugs Giles and pulls back quickly, before he can really hug her back. He appreciates the gesture though and fatherly love for her spreads all over his face. He coughs and removes his glasses, embarrassed by the show of emotion. “Yes, well, you best get on.”

The only place I know to take her for now is LA. I hope we can get there, gather our bearings and smooth things over. I call the Hyperion on my cell phone. I don’t want to show up with Buffy unexpectedly. I’m not sure how they will handle seeing her again. Wes answers the phone and I’m grateful. He will take it in stride more then Cordy.

“Wes, it’s me. I’ll explain more when we get there, but Buffy and I should be at the hotel in an hour or so. You haven’t heard anything from the Watcher’s Council, have you?”

“No, not since we left Sunnydale.” He confirms.

“Good. Do me a favor and trade out some patrols with Gunn. They have their special ops team after us. I don’t want to be caught off guard.”

“Alright. Is everyone okay?” he asks.

“We’re both fine. We just need a place to make some plans.”

“Very well then. We’ll look forward to seeing you both.” Wes says.

I park the Plymouth in the alley behind the hotel. We walk in through the back door. Wes, Cordy, Gunn and Fred are waiting for us. I wanted to spare Buffy this but it’s not possible.

“Good to see you both made it safely.” Wes says.

Fred steps forward. “Hi, I’m Fred. We haven’t really met.” She holds out her hand for Buffy. Buffy glances at me and hesitantly shakes it. It hurts me to see her so withdrawn. I understand it, but it still hurts. Where is my girl that so cheerfully introduced herself to vamps just before she dusted them, I’m Buffy and you’re history?

One of these days I’ll find a way to bring her back, I swear.

Cordy comes out of my office. I pray to the gods above or even the demons below that she’ll be nice. Buffy doesn’t need a tongue lashing right now, nor does she need to see me threaten Cordy with her very life.

“Hi, Buffy. Nice to have you back, Angel.” Cordy says as she sits down to flip through her fashion magazine. If I ever doubted it before, I know there is a God.

“So, what’s up with the extra patrols?” Gunn asks setting down his hubcap axe.

“The Watcher’s Council has apparently decided Buffy and I are a danger. They attacked us this morning at the mansion.”

“Looks like they didn’t send enough guys.” Gunn says

“Not nearly enough. But I want this taken care of. I don’t want to have to worry that we’re going to be attacked in our sleep. Next time they could decide to go straight for stakes while we’re sleeping.” I say.

“Were they the same men who came after Faith?” Wes asks.

“I didn’t recognize them, but truthfully I wasn’t thinking about that. I just wanted Buffy safe.” I say.

“You know, Angel, she is a slayer turned vampire. I think she can take care of herself.” Cordy says without looking up from her magazine.

“She is right here and doesn’t like being talking about like she isn’t.” Buffy said loudly and rolled her eyes.

“Sorry,” Cordy says without really meaning it.

The rest of the night is spent in pacing and planning. Buffy falls asleep on the couch sometime during the night. She’s still so tired and withdrawn. I tuck a blanket around her and have to endure Cordy’s snippy comments about it. She knows I can hear her, which is exactly why she says it.

“Cordy, am I not there to take care of you when you have visions? Don’t I catch you? Don’t I go play water boy and get you pain pills and water?” I snap. I’ve had it. The stresses of so many days piling up are really getting to me.

“Uhm, yeah?” She looks at me like I’ve gone insane.

“Then shut up. Buffy needs me right now. She needs to be taken care of. I don’t need your snide remarks regarding it, and neither does she. You hurt her feelings while she’s here and I will make sure the vision pain seems like a walk in the park.”

“Ok, you don’t have to go all fangy on me.” She rolls her eyes again, trying to seem unimpressed. I didn’t even realize I’d slipped into my game face until she said something.

It’s dawn when they come this time. I knew they’d pick the hotel as their next point of attack. It only makes sense. Gunn is sitting out in the courtyard with a tranq gun.

“Hey, Angel. I think your boys just pulled up. Trio of black vans looks like three dozen guys.” He shouts into the lobby.

I crouch down next to the couch where Buffy is still sleeping. I shake her gently awake.

“Buffy, love, wake up. We’re going to need your help.”

We meet them at the front door, Gunn, Buffy and me at the front line. Wes, Fred and Cordy are on the balcony above the lobby with crossbows. The Council’s Special Ops team is cocky. I guess they should be. They out number us 6 to 1. They don’t have a clue they are going to lose.

The first few fall to the crossbows. Wes’ aim is deadly accurate. I charge into the middle of the team with a roar. Gunn follows me with his own special battle cry. Buffy sits back and waits for them to come to her, as if this were all moving much too slowly for her.

I snap the neck of one and catch another in the face with my elbow. Gunn swings a staff by one end, like an ax, and knocks two in the head, sending them to the ground. I notice that at least three, maybe four have gone past me to Buffy. When she was a slayer, I would have been in a panic. Now I’m merely concerned. She executes a spinning double roundhouse kick, taking out two at once. She head butts the one that decided to try and take her from behind. He stumbles back dazed. She wraps her hands around a pillar and swings her legs around, knocking another to the ground.

I deflect a blow that would have landed a stake to my heart. I grab the man’s wrist and turn his own stake back on him, penetrating his abdomen. I watch as Gunn shoves his stuff up into one man’s gut, knocking the wind completely out of him. Wes, Cordy and Fred are fighting with the remainder of the special ops team on the balcony. The lobby floor is littered with bodies, some of them in pain, some of them unconscious and a few dead.

We take inventory of our injuries. Gunn and Buffy seem to have come out of it relatively unscathed. I have a small knife wound to the gut that will heal in a matter hours. Cordy is righteously peeved over a bruise that looks like it will turn into a black eye. Fred has a bump on the back of her head from being shoved into a wall. Wes has a shallow cut on his forearm.

Wes and Gunn load and threaten at sword point what’s left of the special ops team. They grab their dead and wounded and load up in their vans. I place a call to the watcher’s council. They ask for my password when I dial the super secret number provided by Wesley.

“I don’t have a password. I do have a message for Geoff Smythe. He backs off the slayer and I or I’ll be sending more body bags back to England.”

“Excuse me, Sir. I don’t know what your talking about.” The English woman on the other end of the line says.

“You might not, Smythe will. If I see another council member near Buffy, I will take it personally.” I hang up the phone. I’ve got to get her out of LA. I’ve got to get her somewhere they won’t think of looking for her.

Buffy walks into the office and closes the door behind her. “Angel, I need to talk to you about something and I need you to really listen.”

I cross my arms over my chest, perfect listening posture, at least for the way I think this conversation is going to go. She paces in front of my desk. “We can’t do this. I’m putting your friend’s lives in danger; I’m putting your life in danger. Give me up. Help me make this right. We both know this is not what was supposed to happen. I sacrificed you to save the world. I’m asking you to sacrifice me.” She finally stops in front of my desk, tears fill her eyes.

“No, this isn’t the world we’re saving, Buffy. This is a council full of stuffy British men who don’t like it because they can’t control you anymore. It’s a little different the some world sucking hell demon. My friends can handle themselves; they get put in danger every day by me, by the Powers. So get the idea out of your head, I’m not turning you over to them and I’m not going to stake you.”

“I was actually thinking, cut my head off.” She says with a wry smile.

“Buffy, they are tired little old men. This is an inconvenience, nothing more. Wes has been shot, stabbed and more. Cordy faces migraines with every vision that are worse then that black eye. Fred lived in a Pylea, a human hell dimension for 5 years. Gunn has been fighting vamps since he was a teenager. This not a big deal to them.” I beckon at her and pull her into my lap. She tucks her head in the crook of my neck. It’s almost as if that space was created for her head. She places a kiss there, where my pulse would be if I had one. She takes a deep breath. It’s rewarding to know that she does that not because she has to breathe but because she wants to breathe me in. Within a few moments I feel her face shift and her fangs sink into my skin. I close my eyes and enjoy the intimacy of it.

We both jump when Cordelia flings open the office door.

“Oh, God, was she sucking your blood? That is just to gross for words! God, morbid much?” she shrieks.

Buffy hides her face in my chest. I can feel her tiny body start to tremble. “Cordelia, do you not have the sense of decency to knock on a door before opening it?” I struggle to maintain my human visage.

“Well, yeah, but you two can’t have groiny moments, so I didn’t consider you’d be doing something else gross.” Cordy says, as if it actually makes sense.

“Was there a point to your intrusion?” I ask coldly.

“We finally got a check from Mr. Richardson.” She says lamely.

“Out, shut the door.” I am seething and trying to shut out visions of strangling her.

I finally get Buffy to sleep a little. She huddled up in my room, refusing to come down with the others after Cordy’s comment in the office. I’ve tried to explain to her that Cordy just doesn’t get it. She doesn’t realize how intimate the act of sharing blood is. Most humans don’t. I curl up around Buffy. She says she feels safe when we’re like this. I’ve got a ghost of plan. I spend the next several hours hammering it out. It all hinges on one guy; I hope that guy is willing to help.

I wake before Buffy and dress quietly. I slip downstairs. Wes is deep in his research books. Gunn is playing on that little electronic thing of his. Cordy is no where to be found. That’s probably for the best.

“Wes, Gunn, I’ve got to go out for just a little bit. I’ll be back before nightfall. Watch Buffy for me. Let her know I’m coming back.” I say shrugging into my duster.

“Guess your not telling us where you’re going.” Gunn says, his eyes never move from the little handheld screen.

“No, it’s for your own good. I don’t really think the council will launch another attack so soon.” I open the basement door and head for the sewers.

The payphone I use is on 6^th and spring, tucked into the heavy shadow of a dilapidated building. I talk to several secretaries before I get a hold of David Nabbit, software millionaire, client and I’d like to think friend of sorts.

“David, its Angel. I need a big favor.”

“Angel, anything you need. Are we going on a mission? Is it vampires or demons this time? Or do you just need some help with buying realty?” The man Cordy would term a nerd asks.

“It’s a top secret mission. You can’t tell anyone, not even Cordy if she asks.” I warn him.

“So this doesn’t include Cordelia?” he sounds disappointed.

“Here’s the plan, David. If you don’t think you can help, tell me. There could be some risk.”

“Risk is my middle name, well if its software risk. I can help whatever it is.”

Chapter Twenty Eight

-Buffy-

We’re meeting Angel’s friend in some obscure alley. He won’t tell me where we’re going yet or what we’re doing, only that we can trust this person. We’re standing in the alley holding a small duffel apiece when a black stretch limousine pulls up to the mouth of the alley. A nerdy looking guy with brown hair and glasses opens the door and sticks his head out. He motions for us to get in. I look at Angel. He nods and guides me to the limo with one hand on the small of my back. Once we’re settled in the limo pulls away from the alley.

“David this is Buffy.” Angel introduces me.

I hesitantly shake his hand. He doesn’t seem surprised by the coolness of my hands.

“Wow, this is such a pleasure to meet you. I knew there was girl in Angel’s past but I never imagined, wow such a pleasure.”

If I could still blush, I would be blushing. Angel raises an eyebrow at David.

“I stopped by the hotel one day, you were in Sunnydale. Cordelia explained it to me.” David offered as explanation.

“Great, Cordelia explaining my love life, just what I need.” I grumble.

“She was pretty nice about it, said something about star crossed lovers, forbidden love of all time. Then she sort of went off on a tangent and I didn’t catch much of anything else.” David says.

“I thought I said discreet, David. I didn’t expect a limo.” Angel says.

“This is LA, Angel. Limos are discreet. Besides everyone will think we’re celebrities. They’d certainly never guess vampires on the run.” I come to David’s defense. I’m not sure why I feel the need to, maybe because he reminds me of a slightly geekier Xander.

“She’s right. No one will look twice at us. If we were driving a beat up Buick we’d be a lot more noticeable.” David says.

“Everything is ready for us?” Angel asks.

“Yes. The plane is waiting. The pilots won’t ask you anything. They won’t report to anyone, including me that you were ever on the plane. Their flight plans and logs will say they went to Spain. The plane’s windows have been blacked out in the passenger cabin. Once it lands they will guard the plane the entire time and be ready to take off as soon as you are.” It’s amazing the change that comes over David when he’s talking business. He seems less nerdy and much more the business entrepreneur he is.

“I can’t thank you enough for this, David.” Angel says.

“It’s no problem really. I mean you guys have done things for me. Besides how often do I get to do James Bond stuff like this?” Ok, so he looks incredibly nerdy when he’s geeking out over my life.

-Angel-

I’m chewing on gum that Buffy insists I had to chew when we took off. She said something about my ears popping. I noticed the pressure increase when we got in the air but I didn’t think much of it. I’m reading the books on the Watcher’s Council that Wes pulled for me. Buffy is watching something on the TV. She spent several minutes telling me how this was not like flying coach at all and oohing and awing over the plane. I just smiled. I wouldn’t know. It’s my first time flying.

I glance up when I hear Buffy sniffling. Immediately I have her in my arms. I take the headphones off she is wearing and cuddle her to me. She sobs into my chest. She’s prone to tears these days, and I understand it. I do what I have always done with her. I comfort her and wait patiently. Eventually she will tell me what’s bothering her.

“Stupid Clark.” She says between broken sobs.

Clark? Maybe she meant Cordelia? Could she still be upset by what happened at the hotel? Of course she could. After everything that has happened to her, it takes a little while for things to really hit her. She’s still numb.

“Lana is just as dumb.” She sobs out.

I’m completely lost. I don’t know who Lana is. I’m fairly certain I’ve never met a Lana. Maybe she was one of Cordelia’s friends in high school. She can’t be this upset over something that happened in high school, can she? I search my brain, trying to remember if one of the girls she’d killed in Sunnydale had been named Lana. I’m fairly sure it wasn’t. I break down and confess my total ignorance at what she’s crying about.

“Buffy, who’s Lana and Clark and why are they stupid?”

“Superman! Smallville!” She wails, as if I should know that.

“Superman? Wait that’s a comic isn’t it? Well I get it now. I mean the tights and the cape were kind of stupid, but why are you crying because of that?” The girl completely mystifies me.

“That’s not why I’m crying. I’m crying because Clark and Lana are stupid.” She acts as if I should know all this.

“Ok, Buffy. I’m obviously missing something. Tell me what’s going on so I can help.” I wipe the tears from her face with my thumb.

“They are stupid! They belong together and they don’t even realize it! He’s just going to let her go out with Whitney. She’s just as bad!” Slowly the sobs are abating and anger is replacing them. “She’s letting him go to Prom with Chloe! And it’s so obvious they love each other, they are just stupid and stubborn. He thinks because he’s got super hero powers he can’t give her a normal life.” Uh oh, this is starting to sound awfully familiar.

“Buffy, they are just TV characters.” I try to use calm and reason with her.

“Clark needs to be smacked upside his big stupid head.” She says petulantly.

I know I’m not going to win this argument. I don’t know why I try, except that I can’t stand to see her cry.

“Buffy, why don’t we watch something else? David said he had a lot of different movies here.” I flip open the console that hides the DVD’s. “There’s Star Wars and every episode of Star Trek known to man-“I trail off. “Ok so tell me about Lana and Clark.”

It’s mid afternoon when we land in London. I have the pleasure passing the time by watching the first season of Smallville. I want to smack Clark upside the head when we’re done too. The kid does an incredible amount of whining for someone who is almost invulnerable. It’d be different if he’d gone on a murdering rampage and killed hundreds, or thousands, of people, then he might have a reason to whine. I am fairly certain I have never been so grateful to see nightfall.

One of the pilots knocks on the plane’s door to let us know it’s safe to come out. There is a cab waiting for us. David has arranged for us to stay in a bed and breakfast under an assumed name. It is only a short distance from the Watcher Council’s headquarters. Somehow, and I’m guessing the somehow is green, he has managed to convince the owner of the bed and breakfast to leave the entire building to us. She suddenly came into enough money to take a luxury vacation to see her sister in New York.

The bed and breakfast is comfortable. The refrigerator has been stocked with blood. There is a bomb shelter underneath the house. It’s one of the solid concrete ones that were built during World War II. Buffy and I set up rooms in the shelter. Once we have everything in order I sit down on the bed next to her.

“Buffy, I’m going to go out and run some errands. I want to gather some information, from sources that won’t be so forthcoming if I have the slayer with me.” I know she’s not going to like this. She doesn’t have a choice in this matter.

“No problem, I’ll stay out of sight.” She says.

“No, I want you to stay here. You can lock yourself in here and you’ll be safe from the council, or anything else that comes looking for us.”

“Angel, I’m not letting you go out there by yourself. This is my problem. They wouldn’t be after us if I hadn’t-if it weren’t for me.” She crosses her arms over her chest.

Dear God, has there ever been a more stubborn woman born?

We’re across the street from the Watcher’s Council. It looks like any other building on the quiet English street. A passer by would never guess that it held information regarding all things demonic and mystical in this world and several others.

“Okay, Buffy, listen to me. We’re going to do this my way. Once we get in, I’ll find Geoff Smythe. If Wes is right, he’s got a penthouse on the top floor. You will stay outside his apartment and keep watch. I’ll go in and talk to him. You see anything or hear anything you knock on the door. I don’t know what kind of directive they have regarding you, but I bet it’s less friendly then it was when we left Sunnydale.”

She nods in response to my whispered orders.

“Promise me, Buffy. I need to hear it. I can’t lose you.” I lean my forehead against hers, looking into her eyes.

“I promise.” She whispers.

I place a kiss on her forehead and pull her into me. “I love you.” If anything happens, she needs to know that.

She whispers I love you too as we start across the street. I knock on the door. It’s opened within a few moments by a proper English butler.

“I’m here to see Mr. Smythe.” I’ll try civility first.

“I’m sorry; Mr. Smythe has retired for the evening. Perhaps if you’d like to call in the morning and arrange an appointment.” The butler says as he begins to close the door.

I throw my shoulder into the door, cracking the thick English Oak. “I’m sorry, that’s not going to work for me.” I glare up at him through yellow eyes. Buffy grabs him by the neck and slams his head against the doorframe. He crumbles like a rag doll at our feet. I roll him out of the way with my foot and shut the door behind us. We perch near the foot of the stairs, listening to see if anyone else heard our entrance. After a few moments we creep up the stairs.

Lights shine from underneath one door on the second floor. The third floor has many doors and a few of them cast long strips of light in the darkened hallway. We move silently up to the fourth floor of the Watcher’s Council. This is the floor Wes said would hold the penthouse. I twist the knob. It’s locked. I twist harder and feel the lock break. I put a finger to my lips and motion for Buffy to stay where she’s at. She nods.

Smythe’s penthouse is dark. It doesn’t matter to me. I can see well enough to read in the dark, navigating around a staunch English penthouse is a walk in a well lighted park. I open a door to an office and a guest room before finding the door to Smythe’s bedroom. He is snoring loudly. I put on my game face. I intend to end things here tonight, once and for all.

I pass my hand over the dresser, knocking a crystal decanter of scotch to the ground. Smythe wakes up startled as it shatters.

“W-who’s there?” His voice has that panic stricken tone that I would have once relished.

I take advantage of my speed, flipping on the light next to the bed. Terror sweeps over his face as he sees me. “Do you know who I am?”

He nods and gulps.

“Good. I trust the body bags made it back safely.” I stand very close to the bed, my hands folded in front of me, looking down on his prone form. “You know why I’m here. I want you to call off your dogs.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that. She killed Quentin Travers.” He is a watcher born and raised. If it weren’t for the fact that I can smell it coming off of him, I’d actually believe he wasn’t scared.

“Then I’m afraid I will have to kill you and every single being associated with the Watcher’s Council. I will make Angelus look like a saint.” I hiss at him around my fangs.

“You’ve lost your soul then also?” he asks, the fear creeps back into his voice. No doubt he has read of Angelus’ deeds.

“No, it’s perfectly in tact. A soul doesn’t necessitate goodness, Smythe. The council here is proof of that. A soul can be vengeful, murderous, and evil. You, or any of your men, hurt Buffy and you’ll find out the bottomless depths of my vengefulness. I’ve got an eternity to hunt you down and make you pay for it. I won’t just hunt you. I’ll hunt your family, your friends, their friends. You get the picture.” I lean in close to him. I wrap my hand around his throat and squeeze just hard enough. “Anyone finds out about this meeting, let’s just say I’ll give you a preview of what to expect. Now, when I ease up on my grip, I expect you to say Yes, Sir, and mean it.”

The pitiful little man takes a big gulp of air and nods. “Yes, Sir.”

“I’m glad we understand each other, Geoff. I’m a little disappointed though; I’m getting a bit puckish. It might be nice to have a snack.”

Smythe picks up the phone by his bed with trembling hands. He dials a number, curses and hangs up then redials. “Smythe mohraslayer 239876.” He gives his name, password and pass code and waits a moment. “Yes, this is Geoff Smythe. I’m immediately recalling all the special ops team after the Slayer. That’s correct. We are no longer pursuing the Slayer. No, this isn’t up for discussion. Yes, good night.” He hangs up the phone and looks up at me.

I pat him on the cheek and kiss his forehead. “Very good, Geoff, very good. Have a pleasant evening.”

Chapter Twenty Nine

-Buffy-

I thought we were going to get out of the building without a fight. I guess Jeeves woke up and alerted the entire house of our midnight visit. We’re at the foot of the second story stairs when pain rips through my left shoulder, just above the heart. I start to fall to my knees and catch myself on the banister. If I fall, Angel will panic and he’ll end up hurt. I shake my head and vamp out, pushing the pain away. I grab the first person I see by the throat and throw him over the banister. He lands with a scream on the floor below. I can see Angel tearing into a small group of council members out of the corner of my eye. He looks more animal then person. He sounds that way too.

I twist a woman’s arm behind her back and hear a pop as her shoulder dislocates. I have to remind myself these are humans. I don’t really want to kill them. I shove the woman into a wall and hope she’ll stay down. Angel and I are slowly fighting our way to the front door. I see Angel smash a man’s head into the wall. The expensive wood paneling cracks and he slides down it. I catch a woman under the jaw with a hard right hook. She goes down and I jump over her. I’m close enough to reach the front door now. I fling it open and dart through it. Angel is right on my heels. We run all the way back to the bed and breakfast we’re staying in. At Angel’s insistence we camp down in the bomb shelter. It’s not until we’re in the shelter that he has a chance to panic over the crossbow bolt still sticking though my shoulder. He’s got the first aid kit out, 2 different kinds of antibiotic cream, rubbing alcohol, peroxide and big square pieces of gauze.

“I’ve got to push this all the way though, Buffy. If I pull it out the barb on the end is going to tear you up.” He’s got tears in his eyes at the thought of hurting me.

I wrap my fingers around the steel frame of the bed I’m sitting on. “Ok. Just do it fast.” I will myself not to cry out, not to make this any harder on him then it has to be.

“On three, 1-“

The pain is enough to bring tears to my eyes and make me wince. God I don’t think it hurt this much getting shot. I bite through my lip and take a deep breath when he finally has it out. “I knew you were going to do that.” I smile wryly at him.

“A long time ago a little blond did that to me.” He says softly, undoubtedly remembering when Faith shot him with a poisoned arrow.

“I remember.” I touch his face gently. Concern is etched all over it while he dabs the wound with alcohol and peroxide.

“I’m lucky those guys weren’t as good a shot as Wesley.” He says. I can see he’s fighting breaking down. He knows how close the bolt came to my heart, mere centimeters.

“I’ll be sore for a little while, Angel, but it will be fine.” He wraps his arms around my waist and buries his head in my stomach. My fingers tangle in his hair automatically. We sit like this for a long while. Time holds no meaning when I’m touching my Angel. It never has.

“Do you think they’ll come after us?” I finally ask.

Angel looks up at me. “No, not after Smythe talks to them.”

“What did you tell him?” I ask.

Angel lays his head on my chest, over my unbeating heart. “I just told him that if anyone injured my mate they’d be sorry.”

His words manage to render me speechless, his mate. We can’t even-does it really matter though? Does the fact that we can’t have sex make me any less his? No, it never has, just like sex with Riley didn’t make me his. I lower my face to the crown of his head. I wrap my legs around his torso. I don’t know where he ends and I begin. I realize with this man wrapped around me like this, it doesn’t matter if I have a heartbeat, or if I breathe. This is when I’m truly alive, this has always been the only time I was truly alive. Besides what’s so bad about forever, as long as I get to spend it with him?

Angel and I stay in London for almost a week. It’s nice to be away with him somewhere. Nice that no one knows we’re vampires. We look like any other couple walking through London, our arms wrapped around each other’s waists. It’s odd. I feel more like a normal girl right now then I ever have.

“Do you think they have evening tours of the Tower of London?” I ask.

Angel winces. “They have midnight tours, I think. Are you sure you want to go there?”

“Yeah. Isn’t that where Henry the eighth locked up all his wives?” I vaguely remember this from my history classes. It must have been a slow apocalypse week in Sunnydale when we studied that.

“Among others. It’s really, well it’s not that great, Buffy.”

I wrinkle my nose and look up at him. “You’ve been on a Tower of London tour?”

“Not exactly.” He hedges.

It takes me a moment to catch up, I am blond after all. “You were locked up in the Tower of London?”

“For a little while.” He shrugs, trying to make light of it.

“What did you do?” I ask.

“It was-I was accused of murder.”

“You ate the King of England?”

Angel laughs. “No, a minor duchess.”

“Oh, well then why weren’t you beheaded then, instead of here with me? Not that I’m complaining, mind you.”

“Darla convinced the guards to let me out.” He says.

I wrinkle my nose. I guess no one likes to hear about their boyfriends old flames, even when they do come in handy with the life saving from time to time. Actually, I have a lot to be thankful to Darla for, without her I would have never known Angel. He would be dust in his grave having lived a life without me and died without me long before I was ever even born. It makes me linger a bit too long on the concepts of fate and destiny.

“You look serious. What are you pondering?” Angel asks me as we walk down a crooked street.

I look up at him and smile. “Maybe everything we do and everyone we meet is part of someone’s bigger plan.”

He looks confused, as if he caught the end of a movie but not the beginning or the middle. In a way I guess he has.

“What if Darla had never turned you?” I ask in an attempt to explain.

He shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess eventually I would have taken over my father’s business, married, had kids, or I might have died of syphilis. Where’s this leading?”

“I was just thinking I have her to thank for meeting you. We already know the powers handpicked you to help me. Maybe they also predestined Darla to turn you, so you’d be there when I needed you. It makes the whole thing of us fighting our relationship a little pointless, don’t you think?”

“When you put it like that, it does. I’m glad we decided to stop fighting it. Come on, I’m going to introduce you to a real English pub.”

We walk into the next tavern he deems suitable. Angel orders me a white wine and him a Guinness, which he drank at room temperature.

“Ok not only does that look like soup in a glass, how can you drink it warm?” I eye his beer suspiciously.

He chuckles. “That’s how you’re supposed to drink Guinness. They only serve it cold in America.”

Sometime during the night we progress to Irish whiskey. Angel laughs at the faces I make drinking it. I stick my tongue out at him.

“You know, I can think of better uses for that tongue.” He says pulling me closer for a kiss.

“Mmm, I like the uses you think of. You’ll have to show me more.”

In answer he grins and kisses me harder. He dips his head and runs his tongue along the column of my throat. I growl and tug him closer. He buys me another Irish whiskey. The night gets fuzzier with each glass. I do remember Angel and me walking back to the bed and breakfast leaning on each other and laughing each time one of us stumbled, which was pretty often.

We stumble down the stairs, giggling like kids, into the bomb shelter. Angel closes the door behind me and traps me against it. I rest my hands on his shoulders. He leans in to kiss me and he tastes like whiskey, but for some reason on him it tastes good. I arch up into the kiss, wanting more, needing more. We’ve been flirting with this all night long. I wind my fingers in his hair, tugging him closer. I’m glad I don’t need to breathe because I couldn’t if I had to.

“God, Buffy, want you, need you.” Angel groans against my mouth.

I moan something incoherent back and start fumbling with his shirt. Buttons are entirely too uncooperative. To hell with it, I rip his shirt, buttons ping as they hit the concrete floor. My hands are all over him. He feels like cool marble. I push back against him. We shuffle across the floor all lips and hands. Somehow Angel turns me around and backs me against the bed. He wraps his arms around me and pushes just hard enough to topple us both onto the bed. Angel pushes my sweater up over my head. His fingers dance over my breasts. I arch up into him. Some part of my brain whispers stop, but it’s severely numbed by whiskey. Angel fumbles with button on my jeans. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one with whiskey fingers. My jeans go the way of my sweater. I tug at Angel’s pants. He’s got entirely too many clothes on. I’m panting against his neck. It’s so hot, how can I be hot? His skin feels cool next to mine and I need to feel every inch of him next to me. He rises up on one knee and manages to slip his pants off. I pull him back down to me. Every cell in my body screams want, need, more, now.

I wrap my legs around his hips and pull him closer and then he’s inside of me and I’m complete.

“Need you, love you so much, Buffy.” He gasps.

“Hurts without you,” I whisper.

“So much,” he agrees.

I don’t know where the tears come from. I know I can’t stop them. He seems to understand. He kisses them away and then returns his mouth to mine. His lips taste like salt. He stills, resting his forehead against mine. We stay like that for several minutes. Neither of us pretends to breathe. We don’t do anything but appreciate this sacred moment for what it is. We are one being, one spirit, one soul and then as if he can not stand it anymore, he begins to move inside of me again. I match his rise and fall with my own. The sheer pleasure crashes over me and I’m adrift in it. The only thing tethering me to this plane is the feel of Angel next to me.

Chapter Thirty

-Angel-

I wake up slowly. I dip my head and inhale the scent of all things Buffy, vanilla, sunshine and her. I feel her stir against my chest. She makes a little mumble about not wanting to wake up yet. I thread my fingers through her hair and make a mental note to have Willow perform the Chinese soul spell on me when we return to Sunnydale. Obviously it worked for Buffy. As for me, well, I kept firmly in mind that at one time the silky skin I touched would have been warm and sun kissed instead of cold and moonlight pale. It was enough to assure that I didn’t quite reach that pinnacle of happiness. Guilt will do that to you.

“Headache and please make the room stop spinning.” Buffy says as she buries her head back in my chest.

I chuckle. “Let’s get some blood in you that isn’t laced with whiskey. It will help on both accounts.” I slip out of bed and pull on my discarded black pants. I jog up the stairs to the main part of the house. Someone left the blinds in the kitchen open and I have to tread carefully around the beams of fading sunlight.

“I didn’t really think you’d walk straight into the sun, but I had hoped of course.”

I whirl quickly, my gaze sweeping anything in the kitchen I can use for a weapon. A man steps from the shadows of the dining room. I recognize him as one of the ones we left alive at the mansion back in Sunnydale.

“I’m not here to kill you, Angelus. Even I realize it would take more then just me to bring you down, and that’s if your slayer doesn’t surprise us.” The man says.

“The name’s Angel.” I remain tense, ready to defend.

“Yes, I got the memo. I also got the memo that Smythe called off the termination of the slayer. I wonder why he’d do that?” the man leans against the counter. Sunlight falls on his frame.

“Maybe he had a change of heart. Maybe he found the Lord and became a believer in redemption.” I smirk.

“Redemption, that’s your bag isn’t it? I’ve heard there was some prophecy about the vampire with a soul and a reward after there’s been enough good done. Having 2 vamps with a soul kind of muddies your prophecy doesn’t it?”

“If you think I’d betray Buffy for a chance at being human, you don’t know much about us.” There’s a butcher block full of knives to my right. It’s swathed with sunlight at the moment.

“So the watcher’s council is right? You are in love with her?” The man chuckles.

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand. Is there a point to this visit or did you just want coffee and a chat?”

“There are a lot of special ops team members that don’t agree with Smyth’s decision. We don’t believe the fairytale and myth of vampires with souls or vampires in love. Vampires are demons and demons need to be eradicated.” The man’s eyes have turned hard.

“So you’ve created your own fanatical group.” I make the obvious conclusion.

“It’s not over, Angelus.”

I grit my teeth. I’m not wearing a shirt, this is going to hurt, but I can do it for Buffy. With my preternatural speed I dart through the square of fading sun. I grab the man by the throat and lift him off his feet, pinning him against the kitchen cabinets. I can feel the sun sizzling my back. “Touch her and your ancestors will have plenty of myths to tell about vampires with souls and the lengths they’ll go to for the ones they love. Now get out of my house before I forget that I don’t drink humans anymore.” I toss him across the room just as flame dances across my back. The man scurries out of the house like a scared mouse. I douse the flames on my back against some heavy drapes in the parlor. I imagine he thought I’d go up like a torch, like the newly turned vamps he’s used to fighting. Being 250 years old has its advantages.

I take two warm glasses of blood to the bomb shelter and sit them down on the table there. I slip on my shirt, keeping my back out of Buffy’s sight. She doesn’t need to know that we might still have men hunting us.

“Everything okay? You took a while up there.” Buffy says stretching her arms to the ceiling.

“Yeah, the microwave is different from the one at home. Took a minute for me to figure it out.” I offer as a very lame excuse.

“You must be hung over too.” Buffy says.

I shrug. “I’m Irish I don’t get hang overs.” I tease her.

We spent two more days in England. We saw Stonehenge and the British museum. Like a typical American tourist, Buffy tried to ruffle the guards standing outside Buckingham palace. She even vamped faced. The guard stood steadfast. I stood back and chuckled at her. We took advantage of the Chinese soul spell. I never forget those little things that prevent my curse from activating, like warm skin and the necessity of breath. It was as close to a little slice of Heaven as I can get. Playing normal couple with Buffy is fun. It’s something we don’t get very often.

We have to go back though and I find myself somewhat regretful as we settle down in David Nabbit’s plane, especially prepared for us. Buffy sleeps with her head in my lap. I thread my fingers through her golden hair while I read and am thankful she’s not watching something that leads to tears and wailing. Of course it’s a long flight, I’m not in the clear yet.

I mourn our return to LA and Sunnydale. In London it was easy for Buffy to take a vacation of sorts from the things she’s done. It was easy for me too. I know they will hit her full force again when we return. She has yet to deal with any of friends. If they were uncomfortable around her before, they will be doubly so now. It makes me want to tell the pilots to turn around, take us to Ireland or France or anywhere but home.

The hotel was silent and dark when we arrived. Cordy had scribbled a note and left it on the front desk.

Vision thing. We can handle it. Welcome home

I feel a twinge of guilt. I’ve been neglecting the visions since that night in Sunnydale. At some point I’m going to have to make plans about the future of Angel Investigations. Its needed here in LA much more then in Sunnydale, but Sunnydale has its own special Hellmouth that needs a slayer. I also can’t forget that I have a seer the powers deemed necessary to give me visions of cases they want me to take an up close and personal interest in. Life just never does get easy for Buffy and I.

Buffy slips her arms around my waist from behind and lays her cheek on my back. “You’ve been quiet since you found that note. Are you worried about them?”

“No, not really, I know they can handle most anything. They’ve been handling it for the past couple of months.” I say.

“Then what is it?” She pushes.

I’m silent for a minute. There’s just so much and it hovers above me, ready to come crashing down at any moment. I turn around and pull her into my arms. “Can we just go back to England?”

Chapter Thirty One

-Buffy-

Angel is making dinner tonight, for everyone. Everyone means literally everyone I know. The gang from Sunnydale came down. Of course his LA gang is here. I really don’t think I’m ready for this but Angel insists I have to do it. He says it will only get harder. I pointed out that he hid in an alley for 50 years or so before coming out into the world, so how hard could coming back be? He said he had a miracle to guide him back. It took me a minute before I realized that miracle was me. Just when I think I can’t love the man anymore then I do, he goes and says something like that.

I’m standing in front of the mirror. I don’t know why. It’s one of those stupid hanging on habits of when I was human. It still bothers me that I can’t actually see myself. I’m just not obsessed with it anymore. I can hear Angel coming up the stairs. His footfalls are lighter then anyone else’s. I briefly wonder if he was as graceful in life as he is in death.

“You look beautiful. Everyone is downstairs, waiting.”

I don’t turn around to look at him. “Angel, I don’t think I can do this. I can’t face them.”

“Buffy, they are your friends, they love you.”

“How can I expect them to forgive me for the things I’ve done. I can’t forgive myself.” He steps up behind me and wraps his arms around me. He props his chin on my shoulder.

“Buffy, they love you enough to forgive Angelus the things he did. They certainly love you enough to forgive you for what your demon did.”

I lean back against him, boneless, weightless. “Why does your demon get a neat little name and mine just gets called the demon?” I ask in a pretend pout voice.

He chuckles. “We’ll have to come up with a name for her. I expect we’re not going to be seeing much of her though. Willow’s spell seemed to have worked like a charm. Unless, I’m obviously ignorant of what perfect happiness looks like?” He arches a brow at me and looks slightly doubtful.

I consider for a moment teasing him and decide against it. “No, you’re not ignorant of what it is. In fact, you know just how to cause it, multiple times even.”

“Multiple times, huh?” He nibbles at my neck. I wrap my fingers in his hair and pull him closer. I feel his face shift. His fangs sink into the thick arterial vein in my neck. I moan with pleasure. I bite down on my bottom lip and taste blood. Angel’s hands are sliding my skirt up higher. He’s not playing fair. I can’t get to him but if I turn he’ll retract his fangs and I don’t want that right now.

“Angel, Buffy, I swear if your not down here in five minutes I’m coming up there!”

I wince as Cordy’s voice drifts up the stairs. The girl’s got projection. “I guess we don’t really have time for this.”

“Not for perfect happiness, I’ll settle for a tiny slice of happiness though.” Angel growls into my neck.

“Hmmm, you’ve got 5 minutes before we get an uninvited guest.”

“I can do a lot with 5 minutes.” He grins wickedly.

15 minutes later we’re walking into the dining room of the Hyperion. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this room, but it’s beautiful. It’s got one of those grand old crystal chandeliers and a huge dining room table.

“So glad you two could make it.” Cordy remarks.

Everyone else is already seated around the table. The room goes silent as we sit down. Angel made prime rib. I notice his piece and mine are very rare. There are baby carrots and rosemary potatoes. Everyone has a glass of red wine, except Angel and I. Our glasses are the same as everyone else; they just have blood in them. The light from the fat candles in the middle of the table make it hard to distinguish that our place settings are any different from anyone else.

Angel clears his throat. “How are things on the Hellmouth, Giles?” Angel tries to break the ice. God, can I just go hide back in our room where it’s safe and dark.

“Well, quite normal actually. A few vampires but nothing notable. Willow, Xander and I have managed quite well”

“Quite well, if you don’t count that Giles and I combined have been knocked out 5 times in the last two weeks. You won’t be out of a job anytime soon, Buff.” Xander adds.

I smile. He’s trying and I love him so much for that. I had thought out of everyone Xander would have the hardest time forgiving me. He’d been so gun ho on staking Angel. Well, it’s not like I haven’t made past mistakes. If he can forgive mine, I can forgive his.

“Well, Angel can’t just up and leave LA. I mean we have a business to run here, not to mention visions.” Cordelia says.

I look at Angel. I feel the panic rising up in me. We’re still stuck in the same old destinies. Mine is in Sunnydale, his is in LA. The Powers are playing a cruel joke on us. We get literally forever to spend with each other, and we still can’t be together. God I hate fate.

“Buffy and I haven’t actually discussed what we’re going to do, or where we’re going to live. I suspect we’ll do a lot of shuffling back and forth between cities. It’s not as if they are that far apart.” Angel says. I can’t tell if he means it or he’s just trying to be diplomatic and smooth things over.

I watch Dawn a few seats over. She’s fiddling with her food and being uncharacteristically quiet. She keeps casting side long glances at me when she thinks I’m not looking. Part of me wants to be the big sis and ask what’s up, what’s bothering her. The other part of me screams at me, you stupid idiot what do you think is wrong with her. You killed a third of her class a few weeks ago, or did you just forget that. I tend to side with the stupid idiot and keep my mouth shut.

“Xander, I don’t know why we came here tonight. I told you it would be like this. Everyone pretending Buffy didn’t want to eat them and not saying anything.” Anya speaks up.

God, where is a hole to crawl in when I need it?

“Anya, Hon, maybe we like the silence.” Xander says uncomfortably.

“No one likes silences like this, Xander. Ok, since no one else is saying it, I will. Buffy, everyone is uncomfortable because we all know you wanted to eat us while you were evil, probably especially Xander because he’s sexy. But here’s the thing, we know that you aren’t evil now so we’re not afraid you’re going to eat us now. And we’ve all talked about and we know that it wasn’t you that wanted to eat us. It was the demon you. It’s like when I was a vengeance demon, no one here holds me accountable for all the men I killed and I killed a whole lot more then you did. Of course I had hundreds of years, so it’s not really a comparison. So, does anyone here hold Buffy accountable for the people her demon killed, show of hands please?” Anya looked around the table. “Ok, so see, can we please go back to eating our dinner and talking so that Xander and I can go have sex when we’re done?”

Everyone stared open mouthed at Anya for a moment. It was Fred, of all people who finally broke the silence. “Well, yeah. So tell us about England.”

The real purpose in having Willow, Tara and Giles there is to talk about Angel’s soul. We want to anchor it, like mine is anchored. I don’t want him to ever have to worry about being too happy ever again. I can’t imagine being able to make love to him without him having to bring to bed whatever it is that he uses to make sure his soul stays intact. We all sit around the couches in the lobby. Willow and Tara have been doing a lot of research in the past few days.

“Basically, I don’t think the Chinese soul spell will work, since Angel already has his soul. We’d have to remove the soul and then put it back. I really don’t want to do that. The only soul removing spells I’ve ever heard about deal with really really dark magic. Darker then anything Giles has books on. I found some references on the net, but there are not many people who can do spells of that magnitude. The ones that can tend to be Necromancers.”

“Will, he can’t-I can’t live the rest of eternity with his soul in question.” I say.

“He may not-“Wesley starts. I notice Angel silence him with a look that could kill.

“I know. So we’ve been researching the curse and using some things from the books we got from Quentin. Tara thinks she may have found a way to anchor his soul without having to remove it first.” Willow says.

The timid blond looks down at her hands and gathers her thoughts. “It’s really a simple binding spell, just a very old one. There’s a legend and no one really knows if its myth or fact, but the Muslims were rumored to have hired these demon sorcerers that collected souls for them. They sacrificed the souls and it supposedly made their armies stronger. So the Christians taught their priests this simple binding spell that was preformed before their warriors went into battle. It bound the soul to the body. Only a Christian priest could then release it to go onto the afterlife.”

Angel wrinkled his brow the way he always does when he’s concerned or worried. “So, you think this would work on me?”

Tara nods. “As long as priest doesn’t release your soul.”

“Tara, that’s not even funny. What are the chances of that?”

“Really slim. You have no idea how hard I had to look to even find a reference of this spell I’ve actually been doing research on it for a long time. Willow told me about you and Angel when we first met. We were talking about spells we’d done and Willow mentioned the curse. That led us to the two of you. I thought it would be nice, even if you never got back together, if I could find a way to anchor your soul.” Tara said.

I can’t help impulsively hugging Tara. She blushes under the attention. “Tara, I don’t even know how to thank you. And that you were working on this before, wow.”

Tara shrugged and tried to make light of it. I wasn’t going to let her. This wasn’t something to be made light of.

“What do we need to do?” Angel asks.

“That’s the only thing. It might be kind of painful, since it’s a Christian ceremony.” Willow says.

“If it doesn’t kill me, I’ll deal with it.” Angel says.

The lobby smells like a catholic church. Tara has lit incense and fat beeswax candles all over the room. The only light comes from the candles. She and Angel are both wearing robes of unbleached cotton. The right sleeve of Angel’s robe has been torn off. Tara holds a book and a cross in her hand.

“Ar-are you ready?” she asks.

Angel nods. I have tears in my eyes already.

Tara whispers a Hail Mary under breath. I don’t know if she’s reading it or she knows it. I notice Angel is whispering with her. It’s easy to forget he was Catholic when he was human. Willow reaches over and laces her fingers with my own. I squeeze her hand gratefully.

Tara places the cross as lightly as she can on Angel’s bared upper arm. She had explained to us earlier that traditionally the cross was placed on the forehead when the spell was done, but she didn’t think the placement of the cross was important, as long as it touched bare skin. Angel decided his upper arm was an easy place to bandage. I can smell burning flesh. There’s a lot of smoke coming off his skin. I try not to gag.

“Lord God Almighty take what is yours and bind it to this body. Let no being collect what is yours. Let it not be torn away via magic or death. Bind this soul to this body until it is granted your release.”

Angel is struggling against vamping out. He’s trying to hold still but the cross evokes a natural instinct to run. I want to run to him. I want to knock the cross away. I want to take him in my arms and soothe all the hurt away. The only thing holding me in place right now is Willow’s hand. There is a bright flash, an audible pop and Tara removes the cross. Everyone is silent for a moment.

“I-I think that’s it.” Tara says.

I run to Angel and gather him in my arms. Cordy walks over and puts cream on his burn and a big gauze bandage without a word. I can see tears glistening unshed in her eyes. She finishes and gives the bandage a very light pat. Angel whispers a thank you.

Cordy flashes that patented Queen C smile. “Ok, who’s for taking Angel’s credit card and going to The Beverly Hills Hotel? I for one am not staying around while these two make like rabbits.”

Chapter Thirty Two

-Angel-

I feel awkward and stumbling. I’m nervous. Buffy is so still in my arms. She’s nervous too. I can smell it. Everyone cleared out of here like there was a plague. It’s just me and her standing in the lobby of this hotel.

“Does it hurt?” She asks indicating my arm.

“Nothing hurts when I’m this close to you.” It sounds cheesy, I know. It’s a line that Liam would have used to get a girl into bed. In fact I’m pretty sure I did use it at some point. The difference is now it’s true. Sometimes I wonder if Liam would have been as swept away with Buffy as I am, as Angelus is. It would make sense. There isn’t a part of me that isn’t in love with her.

Her lips find mine. It starts out a soft kiss, tender, thankful that I’m okay. I catch her bottom lip and gently suck on it. That’s all it takes, those embers that always simmer just below the surface spark to life and become a raging inferno. I crush her to me, claiming her lips, her body, her heart and her soul as my own. I dig my fingertips into her hips and lift her up. Her arms wind around my neck and her legs wrap around my waist. She’s sucking at my neck now and her fingers are wound tightly in my hair. We start up the stairs. I want the first time I make love to her without any thoughts of my soul to be in a bed. We can christen the lobby, the stairs, the couches and everything else later.

We fall in a tangled heap of limbs on the bed. I grab a handful her silky skirt and rip. It shreds easily. She giggles. I nuzzle her throat. Her blouse lands in a shredded heap next to her skirt. I let the palm of my hand just graze her breast. She draws in a sharp breathe. I love that I make her do that. She tears the button on my pants and pushes them over my hips. She uses her feet and legs to push them further down, not wanting to break contact between us. I take a deep breathe.

“Slow down. We’ve got the rest of forever. I want to look at you.” I whisper.

I sit back on my haunches and look at her lying beautiful, pale and naked in our bed. Tears come unbidden to my eyes. I don’t care if I spend the rest of my life in Hell. I’ve got Heaven right here in front of me and I’m afraid to touch it. I’m afraid that simple contact will wake me up and this will be just another dream, like so many dreams I’ve had before.

She can’t stand it. She’s come to the end of her patience and I love it. She sits up on her knees in front of me and takes my face in her hands. There’s a moment, I couldn’t tell you how long it lasted, that we look into each other. Tears threaten to spill over and I’m not sure if they are hers or mine.

“No more tears in our bed, ever.” She whispers.

Cordy and the others had the good sense to leave us alone for three days straight. Obviously, Tara’s spell worked. Blissfully happy doesn’t even begin to describe life with Buffy. I still brood, I still feel remorse and I still feel guilt over all the things I did as Angelus. Sometimes I’ll catch Buffy sitting under the arbor staring out into the bright sun of the courtyard with such longing on her face that I want to go sit and brood in my rooms for weeks. I don’t remember ever having that longing, but Angelus never cared much about the sun, and by the time my soul was restored, I was long accustomed to not being out in the daylight.

We go up to Sunnydale at least once a week. It’s a drive I’ve become accustomed to making. Buffy patrols, makes sure the bad guys know she’s still around in some capacity, for the most part our life is in LA. All her friends have accepted Buffy is still Buffy. Her slip isn’t even talked about anymore. Dawn lives with Giles, but Buffy is still officially her guardian. Dawn is talking about coming to stay with us at the hotel in the summer. The gang here gets along with Buffy. Cordy and her still snipe at each other from time to time, but that’s normal. Gunn seems to trust her more then he trusts me. There’s something about her no one can keep from loving.

I never realized I could have such a good life. I should be suffering an eternity of torment in hell. I’m not because of her. She saved me, her love for me brought me back from Hell. The reason for my good life, the reason for everything is snuggling up next to me, fighting waking up the way she always does.

Our peaceful bliss is broken. Something shatters downstairs and Buffy and I both are instantly awake. We take the time to throw on clothes and run down the stairs. Cordy is lying on her back in the middle of the lobby. There is a broken vase, a Ming dynasty priceless vase, and an arrangement of flowers beside her. Wes, Fred and Gunn are both gathered around her.

“Vision?” I ask, even though there is little else that would cause this.

“Yeah, it must have been a bad one. “ Gunn says.

I crouch down near her. Someone should have caught her. She’s going to have a lump from hitting her head. “Cordy, are you okay?”

She twitches. I pick her up and carry her to the couch. “Get me a damp cloth.” I don’t know who did it, but a wet washcloth is shoved in my hand. I drape it across her forehead. “Cordy, come on, wake up.”

She groans and whispers “Water, pills.”

Wes gets a bottle of pain medication that been prescribed by a doctor and a glass of water. He brings them to her. She sits up to take them and then lies back down. She keeps her eyes closed for a minute, taking deep breaths before she finally speaks.

“Okay, I don’t understand this one. It’s a vampire. She’s really old, maybe Greek. She’s wearing a toga, I think. She’s sitting on a throne and she has this scepter thing in her hand. That’s all they gave me.” She looks apologetically to me.

“It’s okay. Wes will get started doing some research. Buffy can call Giles and have him do the same thing. We’ll find out who she is and what’s going on.” I say.

At my suggestion Buffy picks up the phone and fills Giles in on all the information we have, which isn’t much. Wes retreats to the office to dig through books. Fred turns on the computer at Cordy’s desk. Gunn is cleaning up the flowers, shattered vase and water.

“Angel, we have to take care of this one. The vision hangover is massive and I don’t think it’s going away.” Cordy says.

“We’ll take care of it.” I promise.

Chapter Thirty Three

-Buffy-

It’s been four days since Cordy had the vision. She’s still sick in bed from the hangover of it. She’s staying at her apartment for now. She insists Phantom Dennis takes good care of her. Angel and I are both worried. I have come to appreciate Cordy over the past few months and Angel loves her like a sister.

Giles, Willow, Tara and Dawn have practically moved into the hotel. They research day and night. There’s just not much of anything on a possibly Greek vampire that’s really old. The phone rings and I pick it up. I half hope it’s a case. We could use a little distraction and sometimes things seem clearer if you get your mind off of them.

“Angel Investigations,” I say. It’s Cordy and she’s crying.

“We’ve got to stop her, she’s raising an army.”

In the end I send Gunn over to pick Cordy up. If she’s doing half as badly as she sounds, she needs to be around real people who can take care of her, instead of just a ghost. It’s not like we don’t have the room here.

When Gunn gets back with Cordy, she looks awful. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Cordy looking awful. It’s a bit of a shock to me. She’s also very quiet, another un-Cordy like characteristic. Gunn practically carries her to the couch. Fred brings pillows. Angel grabs blankets from a linen closet.

“It’s okay, really. We just need to find this chick and totally kill her.” Cordy says. She sounds a bit more herself.

“We’re working on it. When you called Buffy, had you had another vision?” Giles asks.

Cordy nods. “She’s raising an army of demons, not just vampires.”

“For what?” I ask.

Cordy shakes her head. “Oh, she’s got this weird metallic skin.”

Angel freezes. If it’s possible for him to pale he does.

“Angel?” I say.

He shakes his head. “It’s not possible.”

“That really depends on your definition of impossible. I mean ask the average person on the street, vampires impossible and yet. Start talking, Angel.” I say.

“The Oracles, I saw them dead.”

“Still needing back story here.” I prod him.

“The oracles are mystical connections to the powers that be. They were slain by Vocah last year.” Wesley explains.

“Vocal? I knew there were people who sang bad but being able to slay people with your voice, that’s harsh.” I say.

“You ain’t never heard Angel sing Mandy.” I hear Gunn say under his breath. And that’s a whole story I’m going to have to hear at some later less apocalypsey time.

“Vocah, Buffy. He’s a very powerful demon. I’ve seen him mentioned in a few of my books. He has to be summoned from other realms if I remember correctly.” Giles says.

“He killed them. I found them in a pool of their own blood, so it can’t be one of the Oracles.” Angel says. “Did she have any tattoos or paintings on her skin?” he directs this to Cordy.

Cordy closes her eyes and wrinkles her brow “Maybe blue swirly things, or green. I’m not sure.”

Angel starts pacing. He’s pushing his hands through his hair. “Wes, they were dead. I talked to her ghost. Besides, Vocah wasn’t a vampire.”

“You’re certain Vocah killed them, not something else?” Wes questions.

I’m completely lost and confused and no one seems to be in the mood to catch me up to speed.

“His scythe was there! She said he killed them.” Angel snarls.

“Well, they did have the ability to fold time, perhaps something went awry.” Wes says.

“Excuse me, fold time?” I say. I give myself points for staying quiet this long.

“They can turn back days, events I would think there would be a limit to the amount of time they can take back, but we know they can take back whole days for certain.” Wes says.

“Whole days? Giles, a little help here? How the hell am I supposed to fight something that can turn back whole days? I stake her, she turns it back and it’s all undone? Can you say totally not fair?”

“Buffy, please calm down.” Giles says.

“No, Giles. I think I have a right to be a little upset here. I can’t defeat something that can go all Groundhog Day on me.” I say.

Giles looks at me baffled. “Now that we know what you may be facing, we can do some research and find how what to do.”

“We don’t have much time, not if she’s building an army.” Angel says.

“I don’t know why she’d need an army.” I grumble. “Why is that, oh yeah because she can fold TIME.” My voice drips sarcasm.

Cordy wakes up screaming at the top of her lungs. “You have to find her scepter it’s the key.” Cordy screams again and then loses consciousness.

Angel is on his knees next to her on the couch. “Cordy?” He shakes her gently. “Cordy.” He places a finger to the pulse on her wrist, even though I know he can hear it as well as I can. “We need to get her to a hospital.”

I glance out the frosted French doors to the glorious sun shining in the courtyard.

“Gunn and I can take her.” Wesley offers. “The rest of you can do research and come to the hospital when it gets dark, if she’s still there.”

Angel nods. There really aren’t any other options. Gunn picks Cordy up in his arms and heads toward the front door.

“We’ll call you as soon as we know something.” Wes promises.

“Make sure they take care of her.” Angel says. At one time I would have been jealous of the tenderness in his voice, but I know Cordy is his Xander. I also know he’s mine, heart, soul, mind, body and spirit. It’s a good feeling.

At nightfall, Cordy is still in the hospital. She’s been admitted to a room. They are going to do a battery of tests on her in the morning. Angel and I go to the hospital as soon as the sun sets. Giles and Willow stay behind to do more research on this scepter because right now we have less then zilch.

I hate hospitals. I always have. The antiseptic smell and the death is much worse now. I drop the breathing habit because frankly, I’m trying not to gag. I’m here mostly for moral support. I’m the last person, maybe not the real last person but close, Cordy would want to sit by her bed and hold her hand. That support role belongs to Angel. I’m just here to support him.

He’s in her room right now sitting in a chair holding her hand and talking to her. He’s talking to her about all the good times they had. He speaks of Doyle and how much they both miss him. I lay my head back against the wall and listen with a smile. Angel is a good story teller. Of course, I’d listen to him read a phone book with that voice.

Wes comes and sits down beside me. He looks tired and I’m not sure when any of us really slept well, certainly not since Cordy’s first vision and the research begin. I smile at him. He hands me a cup of coffee.

“Thanks.” I take a sip of the liquid. It doesn’t feel hot to me although I know it is. Steam comes off the cup. “Wes, who are the oracles, I mean other then what you told us earlier. How does Angel know them?’

Wes hesitates, as if hedging on telling me, and then he caves. “I don’t know the details. I heard them through Cordy, who heard from Doyle.” He takes a sip of his coffee, reluctant to tell me about this for some reason. He rubs his hand across the stubble on his chin before continuing. “I believe you were there for a portion of it. The Mohra demon Angel slew when you visited on Thanksgiving, Angel needed to know why it had been sent. Typically Mohra demons are hired assassins. Doyle took him to visit the Oracles. They were the only conduit to the powers that we are aware of.”

I fix him with a stare. There’s something he’s not telling me. “Okay, so Angel found them dead?”

“No, that was actually much later in the same year. Cordelia was touched by this Vocah demon. It opened her mind to all the pain and suffering in the world, rather then just the select visions the Powers decide to take a hand in. Vocah was summoned by Wolfram and Hart to take out Angel’s links to the Powers. Cordelia was one, the Oracles were another. He murdered them, or so we believed. Angel actually spoke to the ghost of the female oracle.” Wes explains

“So what happened? Why is this female Oracle a vampire gathering a demon army? I think we can safely assume she’s not gonna teach them how to do the electric slide on go on Broadway.”

Wes wrinkles his brow. I think I confuse him, or maybe he’s like Giles was when he first became my watcher. He only understood a third of what I was saying. “No, most likely not. I don’t know what happened. I’ve put some feelers out to my contacts. I hope to come up with some sort of explanation. Buffy, we can’t even be sure this is the oracle. It could be a vampire with a flair for the dramatic. It wouldn’t be the first.”

“Tell me about it. Been there, done that, staked Dracula.” I say with a sigh. I lean my head back against the wall and close my eyes.

“Dracula? You actually met Dracula?” Wes looks at me incredulously.

“Yeah. He came to Sunnydale to meet me. We had this thing, but not like a thing thing, anyway I staked him but I’m pretty sure he’s out there somewhere because he did this rising mist special effects show while I was standing there, after I’d staked him, twice. “

“I’d always assumed he was a myth, merely made up by Hollywood.”

“Well myth no more, I met him.” I say. I don’t go into the whole he bit me I sucked some of his blood thing. Angel is still within vampiric hearing distance. A crazy Angel is not an Angel we want to deal with right now and we don’t have the time for him to go hunting all over the world for Dracula.

Wes glances at his watch. “Buffy, you and Angel had better get going back to the hotel. It will be dawn in a little while. If you would have someone bring some books to me, I can sit in Cordy’s room and do research.”

I smile at him. He was never this nice when he lived in Sunnydale. “I will Wes, thanks again.”

Chapter Thirty Four

-Angel-

Willow and Tara are asleep sitting at the table. They drifted off over their research books sometime a couple of hours ago. Giles keeps nodding off and waking himself up with abrupt jerks. Buffy is curled up on the couch like a child. Research has never been her strong point. Wes is up at the hospital and Gunn is trying to find out what he can on the streets. Fred and I are the only ones really alert and actively working. I don’t know how she’s still awake. I have a feeling a large portion of it is her devotion to me, and I’m touched.

I barely glance up when someone walks through the doors into the lobby. Fred stands up. “Can we help you?”

“Mucho research requires mucho snack food. I brought supplies.”

I finally look up. Xander is standing in the lobby holding a box of donuts aloft. I can not help but smile. Buffy’s white knight has arrived.

Giles jerks awake. “Did you bring any jellies?” He asks, taking his glasses off and rubbing his eyes.

“Extra ones, just for you G-man.” Xander says.

Giles glares at him.

The smell of sugar wakes Buffy from her nap on the couch. She smiles lazily even before she opens her eyes. Her first exclamation on waking is “Oooo donuts! I hope you got extra jellies.” She grins at Xander as she pilfers one from the box.

“Here now, since when do you eat?” Giles says. He looks ready to snag the donut from her hand and I fight the urge not to laugh. The picture of an English Watcher hoarding donuts is just amusing.

“Since Xander brings donuts.” Buffy says sticking her tongue out at him. I can’t help it. I laugh. I stand up and dig one of the sugary treats out of the box for myself. So it doesn’t the same way it would if I were human, these things pack enough sugar it still tastes sweet.

There is a fresh round of coffee for everyone. The caffeine makes me jittery, but caffeine is the only thing keeping me standing on my feet at the moment. Once donuts have been passed around along with the coffee, Xander buries himself in a thick stack of books.

Fred slams a book shut and shoves it to the side. She buries her head in her hands. “If Cordy were here it would help. We could show her some of these pictures and maybe she would recognize the scepter. This way is just fruitless.”

“I am apple-less here too.” Willow says with a sigh.

“There are just so many scepters and they all do things like raise the dead, or open portals or grant some power that a vampire would like.” Fred says.

“Lorne, I’ll talk to Lorne, see if he can get inside her head and figure out what this scepter is, or at least give us a better description of it. The sooner we get this over this, the sooner Cordy will get better.” I say.

We wait until the middle of the night to sneak Lorne into the hospital. It’s not easy taking a green guy with horns anywhere. I close the door to Cordy’s room. Xander is outside keeping watch for nosey nurses.

“Ok Lorne, we need to know anything you can tell us about this scepter.” I say.

Lorne looks at me doubtful. “Alright, but the last time I tried this with someone I got blown across the room.” He sits down on the hospital bed and places his hands at Cordy’s temples. He hums just under his breath. There are several minutes where everything is quiet. There is only the soft bleep of the machines in the room and Lorne’s soft humming. Finally he drops his hands to his side and opens his eyes.

“Oh sweetcheeks, this is not good. Let me tell you, Cordy was right when she said we had to fix this. I figured that vision to be a humdinger to do this to her, but I had no idea.” Lorne says.

“What did you see?” I ask, trying to be patient with the green demon.

“Not so much see as feel, lots of bad, end of the world, impending doom type feelings.” Lorne says.

“Lorne, did you see the scepter?” I am running out of patience quickly.

“Oh, I got a clear picture of your scepter. Pretty slim, solid silver carved with a lot of runes. Great big fat sapphire sitting on the top.”

“Alright, back to the hotel and we’ll look through the books again.”

I lean back against the couch and scrub my hands over my face. Buffy is curled up next to me. I turn to her and place my nose in the crook of her neck. She rubs slow circles on my back.

“You need to rest, Angel. You haven’t been sleeping since Cordy went into the hospital.” She whispers.

“I will. Once we know what’s going on I’ll rest.” I make promises I know I’m not going to keep. I won’t sleep until this is over, all of it.

Buffy kisses my neck and I can’t help but do that little purr growl thing she likes so much in the back of my throat. She has tried to purr, she can’t manage it. It’s an acquired skill, and one I rather like being the keeper of. Somehow I feel like it would lose its appeal if she could do it too. I can feel her lips curve up in a smile against my skin. I raise my head and beckon her closer with my hands on her waist. I rest my forehead against hers. Her lips are just a hair’s breadth away from mine. I can feel the panting, soft unneeded breaths she takes and it turns me on to know I can do that to her. Our kiss starts out sweet, innocent and I am reminded of all the evenings we spent patrolling in the graveyard. She trails little kisses across my jaw and down my neck. She stops at the thick artery and licks it. Blunt little teeth nibble at the skin.

“I’m hungry.” She whispers in a pouty voice seconds before her fangs slice into my neck. I try to angle my body so the people sitting at the curved desk researching can’t actually see what Buffy is doing. I bite my lip and feel the blood trickle to keep from calling out. I can’t stand it anymore and the things I want to do to her aren’t done in front of civilized company. I pick her up in my arms, keeping my right side, the side she is feeding from, away from the others. I take the steps two at a time. Just as I reach the bedroom and kick the door shut behind us I hear the conversation downstairs.

“Ok, not fair, research funpalooza going on here, just where does he think they are going?” Xander says.

“Xander, they’re-he-bedroom, Buffy, Angel, no curse.” Willow finally spits out.

“Someone please kill me now for asking.” Xander says.

“If only we could.” Giles says dryly.

I awake to the sounds of Willow shrieking downstairs “This is it! Hey, guys, found it! This is it! Oooo, this is so not good.” Buffy stirs beside me, apparently it woke her up too. We both get dressed and go down to the lobby. Everyone is gathered around Willow.

“The scepter of Aeternus Proelium.” She says. “Wait, that’s Latin, I think it means-“

“The scepter of Eternal Battle.” I supply for her. Everyone turns around to look at Buffy and I.

“Morning, Dea-Angel and gads! What happened to your neck?” Xander looks at me horrified. I touch my neck, fingertips just brushing the healing, but still quite vivid, puncture marks Buffy put there. I’m pretty much speechless.

“I got hungry.” Buffy says offhandedly; as if it were something Xander would completely understand.

“Buff! That’s what they make those nifty little bags of blood for and cripes I can’t believe I said that.” Xander shudders at his own words.

“Its more fun to drink Angel then bags.” Buffy says. If I could blush I would.

“Ok, Buffmyster, that’s enough with the imagery.” Xander says.

“If I have to hear about you and Anya’s sex life, you can hear about me biting Angel.” Buffy says.

Xander looks like her really wants to say something, but he can’t find words. I smirk.

“Yes, well, there are reasons these are called private conversations.” Giles says. “Shall we get back to the matter at hand, this scepter to be exact?”

“Well it says here that the scepter was created sometime in the first century, wow, anyway whoever holds the scepter will not fall in battle. Oh, I get it, Eternal Battle, sort of. Wow, all the big guys had possession of it. Hitler had it last. There’s nothing here about how he lost it or where it went to though.” Willow says.

“This just gets better and better, now this vampire oracle can fold time AND she’s got this nifty scepter of I can’t be killed. If I die again I am so coming back to haunt you all.” Buffy says.

Chapter Thirty Five

-Buffy-

It’s too quiet here. That’s how I know whatever is coming is bad. If all the bad guys are getting the hell out of Dodge, well do I really need to say it? Angel and I are both going pretty stir crazy. We patrol but we always come up with no joy. Angel spends a lot of time at the hospital. Cordy is still in her coma but the doctors can’t find a medical reason for it. According to them, she should be awake and walking around. Of course we can’t tell them she gets visions and that it was a vision that caused her to lapse into a coma. I think Wes told them she had a seizure.

Our big “break” came one night after Lorne closed up Caritas. He called the hotel and said he was going to be stopping by. He had some new information.

Lorne breezed in the hotel lobby wearing a neon yellow suit. I’ve often wanted to ask him if he has his suits custom made or if there is actually a store that sells neon yellow suits.

“Hello, Kiddies. I’ll get straight to it since Angelcakes over there doesn’t look to be in a patient mood. I read a guy tonight, a Polgara demon and he slaughtered Madonna’s Like a Virgin, let me tell you.”

“Get. To. It. Lorne.” Angel says.

Lorne shoots him a look. “Alright, someone is cranky. Anyway, there’s an audition of sorts tomorrow night for some new big bad. It looks like they are looking for Generals to command their armies. Polgara is thinking about showing up. I’ve got you an address right here.” Lorne pulls a cocktail napkin out of his suit pocket. “It’s an abandoned warehouse down in the garment district.”

“You think this is our big bad?” I ask.

Lorne shrugs. “I don’t know Sweetlips, but generally there’s only one at a time and Cordy did say ours was gathering an army.”

Angel nods. “Good, then I’ll be there tomorrow night to try out for a position as General.”

“Angel, are you sure that’s a wise idea?” Wes says. “After all, you’ve been working in LA for a number of years now; you’re not exactly an unknown. I wager there will be several dozen demons there that you have run into from time to time.”

“He’s right, Angel.” I say.

“What do you suggest then, Wes? We let these auditions go off without a hitch? We storm them and find out exactly nothing? Maybe we should just sit outside in the car and watch who goes in and out.”

“I rather thought Buffy would go in there.” Wes says.

“Excellent idea,” Giles says.

“No.” Angel says.

“This is sort of me we’re talking about. Someone could ask my opinion you know.” I say.

“Buffy, I’m not going to send you in there to get hurt.” Angel says.

“Excuse me? But it’s okay for you to go in there to get hurt? Have you forgotten I’m stronger then you, Angel? Don’t get me wrong, I love the whole thing where you treat me like a girl, but sometimes you have to remember I’m the Slayer too and I’m a vampire.” I cross my arms over my chest and level a stare at him.

“She also has an advantage in that very few of the demons here are going to know who she is.” Wes says.

“Tara and I can do a spell. It will dampen the whole slayer sense thing that any of the demons might get off her. When we’re through with her, she’ll read like a regular vamp to anyone who might be able to sense those things.” Willow offers.

“I will not send Buffy in there, not knowing what she’s walking into. She’s a slayer and a vampire but she’s not invincible. She’s got to have backup. It’s the only way I’ll agree to this.” Angel says.

“Angel, I can’t walk in there with a human or with you. They’ll know something is up.” I say.

“Then you can’t go, Buffy. This isn’t a fresh riser we’re talking about. This is an Oracle, turned vampire. You can’t walk in there alone not knowing what’s going on.”

“Ok, so what if you guys camped out somewhere close by and I had a safe word. If I get in over my head I start screaming and you can go all Wild Bunch.” I suggest.

Angel looks at me. I’m not really sure if I confused him with the pop culture reference or if he’s just considering my idea. It’s hard to tell with him sometimes. I swear if we ever get a peacetime, I’m going to sit him down and make him do nothing but watch TV for two weeks.

“Gunn, can you and Xander go stake out the warehouse and the area around it in the morning?” Angel asks.

“Sure thing.” Gunn responds.

“I want a spot that will be very close to the warehouse and still concealed from any guards or demons coming and going. Willow, will you be able to do a dampening spell for us too? So nothing can smell, or sense us nearby?” Angel says.

“Yeah that should be hard at all. I’ll just use a concealing spell for us.” Willow says.

“Alright, but if you even get in a little bit of trouble, you scream and keep screaming until you see us.” Angel says. It’s very Teutonic, I know but I get these little shivers when he uses that authority voice.

“Yes, Sir.” I manage to say without even a giggle.

Angel and I spent all day training and preparing. He’s stressing majorly over this, as if it’s the first time I’ve handled anything by myself. There’s something he’s not telling me about this Oracle but trying to push Angel is like trying to move a mountain. If he doesn’t want to talk, even torture, literally, won’t make him talk.

Xander and Gunn have staked out a spot for Angel and company to wait in case I need them. I don’t expect to, not that I don’t think I can be beaten, I mean really I’ve died twice already, but I don’t plan to scream. I’m not going to get Angel and everyone else here killed. Of course, I’m not telling him that.

I pull my hair back into a sleek ponytail. I put on black leather pants and a red spaghetti strap tank. I slide my feet into my favorite black boots with a thick chunky heel. I’m as ready to face the jury as I’m ever going to be. Angel sneaks up behind me and pulls me into his embrace, ok so he doesn’t have to pull very hard. I lay my head over his heart. He buries his nose in my hair. We stand there very still, not breathing, not talking, just basking in each other. He takes a deep breath of me and I feel a shudder go through him.

“Hey, I’m going to be okay, you know.” I whisper.

“You better be. You are my everything. I don’t want to spend forever without you.” His voice is low and rumbly, choked with unshed tears.

“You won’t.” I promise. To tell the truth, it’s beginning to freak me out that Angel is so freaked. “It’s some demons and some vamps. I’ve faced worse.”

He just nods and takes another deep breath of me.

“Angel, what’s the deal with this Oracle? Why has she got you so worried?” I don’t actually expect him to tell me, but a girl’s got to try.

He shakes his head. “She’s got a lot of power. There’s no way to know if she kept it when she vamped or not. I just want you to be careful. If you need us, scream. Willow is a powerful witch. She has been working on things all day to use just in case it’s needed.”

Willow is a powerful witch, more so with Tara by her side. She can’t fold time though. I don’t mention this to Angel. He’s worried enough as it is.

“Promise me something,” I ask softly.

“Anything.” He agrees quickly.

“When this is all over, I hear the whole story about the Oracles, every single detail.”

I walk up to the warehouse door. I’ve watched half a dozen demons of varying species enter through here. Angel and the rest of the gang are stationed less then 100 feet away in another abandoned warehouse on the second floor. I can’t see them in the shadows. Willow warned me that I wouldn’t be able to with her concealment spell. My slayer senses and vamp senses combined are going into overdrive this close to so many different kinds of demons. I bang on the door three times, just like the other demons have done.

The big steel door is slid open by a huge muscular demon with reddish skin. He looks me up and down and then snickers. “Honey, I think you’re a little bit lost.”

I grab him by the wrist and twist his arm around far enough that I feel the bones straining to the point of popping and cracking. I push him up against the door frame and walk past without a word. There are at least 30 demons of varying sizes, colors and species gathered against one wall. I take my place on the edge of the crowd. I keep an ear out for any whisperings about slayer, but so far there are none.

Silence falls over the room as a bright yellow Miquot demon walks into the room. He stands in front of the crowd, head bowed, pausing for I don’t know dramatic irony maybe?

“I’m General Dulek. I am responsible for picking the commanders for Her Immortalness’ army.”

Great, why do they always have to come up with these impossible titles? I mean they can’t just call themselves Joan, or Sheila or anything normal. Dulek points to a fyral demon and something else I can’t identify. They move out in front of the crowd.

“You will fight to the death. I will determine whether the winner is worthy of being a commander for Her Immortalness. Some of you will be required to fight more then once.”

The crowd forms a large circle around the two demons. At any second I expect them to break out into rousing shouts of “Fight fight!” like in high school. I stand back and calmly watch all of it. I wonder if Angel and the others realize what’s going on over here. I hope not. Logically Angel knows I can hold my own in a fight. I know from experience logic means nothing when the person you love is in a fight to the death. I watch fight after fight. I also watch Dulek. He is absorbed in watching the fighters. A couple of vamps drag off the body of the loser. Dulek singles out a Vahrall demon. His eyes land on me. Damn, he had to pick the big guy didn’t he? Not like he could have chosen vamp boy over there. I place a hand at the back of my waistband to assure myself the stake is there and walk into the center of the circle.

My signal that the fight has started is a massive uppercut that knocks me on my ass. Great Buffy, nice way to impress these guys. I roll to my side just in time to avoid a bone crushing stomp that would have decimated my collarbone. I kick up, catching the Vahrall in the groin with a snap kick. I am pleased to see he does have a groin and it does do some damage. He doesn’t slow down long, but it’s long enough to give me a chance to get my bearings back. I rush him with a combination of punches, jabs, hooks and uppercuts. He doesn’t stumble back, much, but he doesn’t have a chance to advance on me either. I’d forgotten how strong these guys were. I take a step back to avoid the Vahrall’s taloned hands. It’s not quite a big enough step. One talon glances across my face. I feel blood run down my cheek. I launch a half spinning in to out crescent kick. The Vahrall tries to duck it but he’s not fast enough. With lightening fast, God I love vampire reflexes, I catch the guy by the horns and twist as he’s hitting the floor. I’m rewarded with the loud crack of his neck snapping. The room goes instantly silent. I really don’t think they bet on the tiny blonde. I make a show of dusting my hands off on my pants. I stare Dulek right in the eye and turn around to rejoin the crowd.

My next fight is a Mofo demon, or maybe it’s Mojo. I’m not really sure. It’s a big ugly thing, I know that. He completely pisses me off by breaking my nose. It’s not that it’s never been broken before. It has. It’s just that this time I can’t actually see myself in the mirror to make sure I get straight. I’m going to have to trust Angel to do it. I let my vamp face show for the first time. “Ok, can we lay off the face? My boyfriend is really not going to like it.”

He growls at me.

“Not one for conversation? I understand. It’s hard to talk when I’m totally kicking your ass.” I say as I turn his roundhouse kick into a spin that drives him into the ground. He lands with a thud but gets up fairly quickly for something so large. He’s not quick enough. I smack him in the temple with a flying snap kick. His neck snaps and he slumps on the ground. I crack my knuckles. “So who’s next?”

I’ve fought five times. I have more aches, bruises and cuts then I can catalogue. My nose is broken. I’m fairly certain I’ve cracked three ribs and broken at least one. I’m not so sure one of the broken ones didn’t puncture a lung. It’s a good thing I don’t actually need it. I look around the room. Out of the 30 that we started with, there are 5 left. Me, a polgara demon, something red and spiky, Something that looks like a cross between a Fyral demon and road kill, and a really old Khakistos looking vamp. The vamp is tossing a piece of rebar around in his hands in a way that reminds me of Spike.

“For our last little, match, let’s have the vampires face off. I really don’t need two vampire commanders anyway.” Dulek says with a grin.

Shit, this is going to hurt.

He’s fast, really, really fast. I barely block the rebar before it cracks into my skull. I shove downward on the piece of metal, but it doesn’t slow ugly boy down. Dodge, duck, feint, I hate fights like this. I hate being put on the run. I get in a hard jab to his stomach but I also catch the rebar in the shoulder. No one told me we could bring nifty weapons. I think longingly of the big shiny broadsword sitting in the weapons cabinet at home. My longingly thinking distracts me and I dip to the right just in time to avoid the rebar headed for my head. It drives straight through my shoulder, just below the collarbone and comes out my back underneath the shoulder blade. The pain drives me to my knees. Tears burst behind my eyes. I can hear Angel’s voice screaming in my head “Get your ass up Buffy!”

Ugly boy chuckles. “That’s gotta hurt. No one would blame you for giving up little girl. I’d even spare you, but that’s not the rules.”

I push myself up off the concrete. “Fight’s not won yet.” I have to struggle to keep the pain out of my voice. The only thing keeping me going is knowing Angel will blame himself if I die.

“Merely a formality little girl.” Ugly boy says.

I hit him in the chin with a spinning double roundhouse kick. He’s stunned just long enough for to snatch the stake from my waistband and shove it through his heart. I sit back on my heels, trying to forget that fact that there is a three foot piece of rebar through my shoulder. “You’re right, merely a formality.” I say to his dust. Dulek applauds in that very slow sarcastic way.

“Our next meeting will be here, a week from now. Same time. I expect each of you to be here. You’ll meet your officers then.”

Chapter Thirty Six

-Angel-

It takes Gunn, Wes and Giles to keep me from going to her when she limps out of the warehouse. Truthfully they aren’t so much what stops me as the sight of the polgara demon walking out behind her. An appearance now could get her killed and she doesn’t look like she’s in any shape to defend herself. She limps past our hiding spot, not wanting to reveal it to anyone. She doubles back somewhere. I feel her long before she actually walks inside our hiding spot. She feels hurt. Buffy’s pain has always been my pain, even the physical pain. It’s even truer now that we’re connected by blood. When I find out who did this, I will kill them.

I can hear Willow doing her concealment spell even as I’m running to Buffy. I catch her in my arms as she drags herself through the door. She collapses as soon as she feels my arms around her, trusting me, knowing I’ll catch her, I’ll always catch her. She smiles weakly at me.

“Hello Commander Buffy.” Her voice is weak.

“You did great, Baby.” My voice comes out cracked.

“Careful, big piece of metal.” She whispers before passing out, her head lolling against my shoulder.

Gunn drives while I sit in the back with Buffy. They must have found out she was the slayer and beat her. The rebar impaling her is obviously the worst wound, but it is far from the only wound. Her face is bruised and cut. Her nose is broken. There are claw marks on her back. There’s one long cut on her fore arm that looks like she received it blocking a slash from a sword or a talon. I place a gentle kiss on her forehead; the only part of her that doesn’t look like it’s been bruised, cut or beaten. She’s still unconscious and that worries me somewhat. However, anything not a vampire in her condition would be dead, so I supposed I should be thankful for that.

Gunn doesn’t have to be told to drive fast. I know I’m radiating worry. I can’t help it. This is Buffy. I know she won’t die from the piece of rebar she’s impaled upon. But she’s hurt and that’s enough to necessitate worry. Gunn pulls the car into the alley behind the hotel. I move Buffy from the back seat with infinite care, refusing to allow anyone else to touch her. Fred, the only one who stayed behind, pales when I walk in with Buffy in my arms.

“Oh my gosh, is she-“Fred asks, stopping just before she actually asks her question.

I set Buffy down on the couch. “No, get the first aid kit and I’m going to need some help. Someone’s going to have to hold her down.” My eyes land on Gunn. He’s the strongest physically of the group but I don’t know that he can do it.

“Hold her down?” Xander asks.

I look up at Xander. “I need someone to hold her while I pull the rebar out. It’s going to hurt and it will probably wake her up. She may come up fighting. She’s going to bleed, a lot.”

“What do I need to do?” Xander asks.

He sits on the couch, holding Buffy as close to his chest as he can with the rebar sticking out the way it is. Gunn stands at the end of the couch and holds her ankles. I grab hold of the end of the rebar sticking out of Buffy’s chest. The skin has already started to close around the piece of metal. It’s going to hurt pulling it out and it’s going to bleed. There’s no way around it. I pull on three; the metal comes loose with a wet ripping sound. Buffy screams into consciousness, her vamp face automatically showing in response to the pain. She leaps to her feet snarling and growling, pain clouding her vision. I wrap my arms around her, not caring that she is bleeding all over my leather coat, my shirt and the lobby floor.

“Its okay, Buffy. I’ve got you. It’s okay.” I murmur to her. The shock of the pain leaves and she slumps against me. Fred is there with towels to stop the bleeding. I hand one to Xander who presses it against her back. I hold a towel over her shoulder and apply pressure. She doesn’t need to lose any more blood then she already has. We lower her to the couch again.

“My nose is broken.” She says.

“I know, Baby its okay. It’s already starting to heal.” I tell her.

“You called me Baby.” Buffy says. She sounds half drugged with pain.

“I’m sorry, Buffy. I’m just worried.” I grab a new towel and toss the old, sodden one to the floor. A fresh blot of crimson stains the white towel.

“No, like, just not used to.” She says, her eyes half closing.

“Buffy, baby, can you stay awake for me?” I move the hair back from her face, careful not to touch any of the bruised or scraped places.

“So tired, sleep now, talk later.” She whispers before passing out again.

“Wes, I need you to find me a source of human blood and have it delivered now. Pig’s blood isn’t going to do the trick this time and we can’t afford to have her out of commission for weeks. I need to get this shirt off her and get her bandaged. Willow, come with me.” I pick Buffy up and carry her upstairs. She’s hurt but I still don’t relish the idea of anyone but me seeing her half naked. I lay her on our bed and rip the shirt off her body. The shoulder wound is still leaking a lot of blood. Willow whispers the words to a spell I recognize as healing one. It seems to help a little. The blood flow slows dramatically.

“I need a bowl of warm water and some washcloths. Once I get her cleaned up I can bandage her.” I keep my mind on the task at hand. It keeps me from panicking because the blood all over me is Buffy’s blood.

Willow brings me the warm water, cloths and first aid kit. She sets them on the floor next to the bed and quietly leaves the room. She seems to sense I need to be alone with her.

I dip a clean white cloth into water already red with Buffy’s blood and tears gather in my eyes. It’s entirely too easy for my mind to play tricks on me. It’s okay that she’s not breathing, that she’s cold to the touch. It’s okay that she’s lost enough blood to kill a human. She’s not dead, at least not anymore then she’s supposed to be. In my mind Buffy is always my warm, human-fragile, sunshine girl.

I carefully smooth the last bandage on her forearm and slip one of my sweaters over her head. I ease the black leather pants off her legs and throw them down the chute to toss in the incinerator. There’s blood in her golden hair but that can be washed out later.

Giles knocks carefully on the door before opening it. I nod at him, giving permission to come in. He’s carrying a fair sized container of blood. I can smell that it’s human. “We’ve got more coming.” He says, handing the container to me. I notice a white bandage on his wrist. I look pointedly at it and then at him. He shrugs.

“They can’t deliver anything for a couple of hours. We’re taking up a collection for her.” He says.

“You were the first?” I ask.

He shrugs again. “It was my idea. I decided it might be best if I went first.”

“Thank you.” I do not know why I am surprised. He has given everything else for Buffy; blood is a small price to pay for your children.

Giles nods. “I’ll leave you to it then. I’ll bring up more when we have it gathered.”

I sit down on the bed and prop Buffy up against me. I wave the glass of blood under her nose. The demon in her comes screaming to the surface, as I had hoped it would. She wakes up and snatches the container from me, guzzling it down. “Easy, Buffy. There’s more coming.” I promise. I hate seeing such intense hunger in her. I know from experience that kind of hunger hurts.

“More,” She looks up at me with her golden eyes gleaming as she licks the last of the blood from the container.

“It’s on its way.” I promise. “How do you feel?”

“Hurt. Need more blood, hurts less.” She turns to me and sinks her fangs into my neck. Buffy’s demon is driven entirely by need and want.

When Giles comes back with another container full of blood, Buffy has finished feeding from me. She’s curled up against me mewling against the pain and hunger.

“Are you quite alright? You look rather pale, more so then usual.” Giles comments.

I nod. “Could you, would you mind bringing me a glass of pig’s blood?” I ask. He nods and disappears again.

After three containers of blood, and everyone in the lobby bleeding for her, Buffy finally sleeps peacefully. I lay in bed with her in my arms, breathing in the scent of her. It’s the same scent she has always had, vanilla and sunshine. She’s going to wake up with questions, hard questions and I’m not going to be able to put off answering them anymore. She deserves to know. That doesn’t mean I’m looking forward to telling her about the day I gave up being human, the perfect, beautiful day I took away from her.

Chapter Thirty Seven

-Buffy-

I wake up slowly, stretching and testing each of my limbs before opening my eyes. Everything hurts, some things more then others. Angel is sitting next to the bed in a chair, reading a book in the dark. He smiles at me.

“How do you feel?” He asks.

I roll my shoulders. The left one is still a little tender and I can feel the scabbing on the wound break and start to ooze a bit of blood. “Great, considering how bad I was earlier. I knew my healing skills rocked, but this is amazing.”

Angel leans forward, his elbows on his knees and directs his comment to the floor. “Giles, and the others, collected blood. You were hurt badly. Pig’s blood wouldn’t have let you heal nearly as quickly.”

I bite my bottom lip. “Oh,” There is a silence between us for a moment before Angel speaks.

“I didn’t ask them. I told them to have blood delivered. It was going to take awhile to get here, so Giles took it upon himself to collect the blood. You worried us all, Buffy. What happened?”

“We fought for positions in Her Immortalness’ army.” I say.

“If you won, I would hate to see the other guy.” Angel says.

“Dead.”

He looks at me. His eyes are hard, almost cold. “You fought to the death?”

I nod. “We need the information, Angel. It’s not like we’re going to get it anywhere else.”

“We could have tried.” He says.

“How is a fight to the death any different from any of the fights I get into on a nightly basis? You think the nasties we kill wouldn’t turn around and kill us if they had the chance? I killed them, I’ve got the position, and it’s not a deal.”

He shakes his head and wants to say more. He knows I’m right. He just doesn’t like it.

“Okay, Angel, confession time. What’s the deal with the Oracles and don’t tell me nothing.”

He stands up to pace the room. Now he’s got me worried, as if I wasn’t already.

“Doyle introduced me to the Oracles the first time. It was-it was the day after Thanksgiving, when you came up here to see your dad.” Angel says.

I nod. “Wes told me you went to see them about that Mohra demon.”

“That’s not the whole truth.” Angel looks at me. The pain and hurt in his eyes takes me by surprise.

“Angel, just tell me. You’re worrying me now.” I say.

He nods. “Buffy, I need you to listen. Don’t say anything until I’m finished. This is hard and it will only make it harder if I have to stop and start.”

Oh God, I nod and take unnecessary gulps of air. I draw my hands up into fists and wrap my arms around myself.

“We were in my office talking, and the Mohra demon attacked. Only I didn’t kill it right away, the first time. I only hurt it. It jumped back through the window and ran away.” He pauses, gathering his words.

No. I want to say. That’s not right. He jumped through the window, you smashed that shiny jewel. He died and I left. I was there five minutes, ten tops. I bite my lip to keep from saying anything.

“We went after it, through the sewers. You went up into the daylight to see if you could track it. I stayed in the sewers. He found me. I got cut on the hand.” He looks down at the palm of his right hand like its somehow confusing. “I fought him and killed him. Some of his blood got on my hand, mixed with my blood. A Mohra demon’s blood is regenerative. It-I ended up alive. I had a heart beat, I had to breathe. I walked out in the sunlight.” He stops again; his back is turned to me.

No, no, no, no, no, NO! I want to scream. You couldn’t, I would have remembered. I put one hand down on the bed to steady myself. The room feels like its spinning. God I can’t pass out. I have to hear the rest of this. I feel sick. Can vampires throw up, I wonder briefly.

“I-I had Doyle take me to see the Oracles. I had to speak to the powers. I had to find out what it meant. If I was human-if I was human and it was real, it meant-“

He didn’t have to finish. I know what it would have meant and it brings tears to my eyes. Even now I dream of Angel and me together under the sunlight with fat babies crawling across the grass. I dream of growing old with him and sitting on the porch in rockers watching the sunset. Tears spill down my cheeks.

“The Oracles said it was real. If had happened it was meant to be. Doyle, Doyle asked me what I wanted.” His voice was just a whisper now.

“You wanted me.” I said.

He nodded. “You remember?”

I shake my head. “I just know, its what I would want.”

“I wanted you. You are what I have always wanted. You were walking on the pier, down by the beach. Buffy, you felt me, even when I was human you felt me inside. Neither of us said anything, I kissed you in the sunlight. I have dreamed of doing that since the day I first saw you. We walked on the beach. We went back to my apartment. I was so stupid. I wanted to wait. I wanted to make sure it was right; there were no loopholes, no clauses. I wasted time, time I could have spent in your arms. You were going to leave, remove the temptation. You touched my hand. That’s all it took, one innocent touch.” His voice is thick with tears. He looks toward the curtained window, almost lost in thought.

“We wanted each other. We couldn’t help it. It consumes us.” I say. My tears are flowing freely. I have only dreamed of days like this.

Angel nods. “We made love. We ate ice cream and chocolate and crunchy peanut butter. You fell asleep on my chest, listening to my heartbeat. You said you didn’t want to sleep; you wanted to stay awake so this day could keep happening. I promised-“his voice breaks and he takes a deep breath. When he speaks again it is tight and pained. “I promised we’d make another one just like it tomorrow.”

There aren’t words to describe how I feel. Empty, hurt, mind numbing pain, confused, rage. Maybe Angel didn’t want to spend a human lifetime with me. Maybe the day wasn’t perfect and beautiful, like it sounds. Maybe the humanity wasn’t real. I want to scream at him. I want to call him a liar, but something in me resonates truth at the story. Somehow, someway I know what he is saying happened. I just can’t remember it.

“Doyle had another vision. It was of the Mohra demon. They have the ability to regenerate themselves as well as others. This guy was bigger, stronger and mad. Doyle wanted me to wake you up. He wanted to take you with us. I couldn’t. You were sleeping. You never sleep, Buffy, at least not peacefully. You had this beautiful dream smile on your face. I couldn’t wake you. I couldn’t take you out of that dream world and put you back into a nightmare. Doyle and I went alone.” He continues to pace the room, refusing to look at me.

“It was strong. I was just human. I never realized, I didn’t remember, it hurting so much. It was going to kill me. You showed up. We figured out how to kill it and you smashed the jewel. Before it died it said there was great darkness coming. For every one of them we killed, ten more would be sent. We came back. We made love, you slept and I thought, a lot.”

No, my brain screamed. My heart broke. I knew, only I didn’t. But I knew that whatever he had done, the reason he wasn’t human and the reason I didn’t remember was something noble and heroic. It was something he did for me. I pull my knees into my chest and wrap my arms around my legs. I don’t want to hear anymore, but I have to.

“I went to the Oracles again.” Angel continues. “I told them what Mohra had said. I asked what would happen to the Slayer when this darkness came. The Oracle replied that you would die, sooner then other mortals.”

“I’m the Slayer, can you say a great big Duh?” I snap before I can stop myself. I want to slap him. I want to pummel him until he has some common sense.

He looks to me and the pain in his eyes takes my unnecessary breath away. “I couldn’t help you that way. You would die and I wouldn’t be able to do anything except stand by and watch. They swallowed the day, like it never happened. Twenty four hours from the time Mohra appeared, they took back. Only I would remember so I could prevent it from happening again. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, Buffy. The only thing harder was watching you die and knowing I could do something to save you. I came back and told you. We cried and kissed and held onto each other like we could stop it with our sheer desperation. We couldn’t, we didn’t. The day was taken back, and you remember the rest.” He is fighting tears. I stopped fighting them a long time ago.

“I wouldn’t forget that, Angel.” I whisper.

“You did. It never happened.” He says.

“But I dreamed it. I dreamed it before it happened, I dreamed it after it happened. I’ve dreamed billions and billions of times that you would become human.” I argue.

“Buffy, not all your dreams are prophecy.”

“I died anyway, or I would have, if you hadn’t-“ I say.

He nods. “One day short of 18 months after I gave up my humanity for your life, you jumped from that tower. I don’t know if the dreams I had about it were from the Oracles, an apology of sorts, but that’s the only way I knew you were going to die. That’s the only reason I was there.” He sits on the edge of the bed. “Buffy, I’m sorry. You weren’t ever supposed to know.”

I look up at him, tears cloud my vision. “And that makes it ok? You took away the most beautiful memory from me and sorry is supposed to make it ok? Do you know how many nights I could have lain in bed and cherished those memories? All of them, Angel! All of those horrible nights that I missed you so much it hurt, I could have at least had those memories.”

“And do you know how much they hurt? Do you have any idea how hard it is to know what you could have had? I have lain awake all those horrible nights and cherished those memories and doubted my actions and known that there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. I wouldn’t give up those memories for anything in the entire world, but they hurt, Buffy. They hurt.” He reaches out a hand to touch me and I shrink away, drawing more into myself.

He stands up. “I’m sorry, Buffy.” He walks slowly out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

Chapter Thirty Eight

-Buffy-

I sit in our room surrounded by darkness and memories, or rather things I wish I could remember. When Angel left me I replayed every moment we shared together like movies in my mind, over and over. What would it have been like to have human Angel memories to play over? Would it have hurt as much as Angel said it did? As long as I’ve known him his skin has always been cool to touch, his chest silent to listen to. I always loved it when I made him gasp or draw in a breath, because he didn’t need to. But I’ve always dreamed of him turning human some how, some way. I always dreamed of being a normal girl who could take her normal boyfriend to football games and to the beach. I’ve always dreamed of that normal boyfriend being Angel.

The only memories I had then of us making love were made the night of my seventeenth birthday, the night we unknowingly released Angelus. So much of that memory is fuzzy because of the pain that followed it. What would it have been like to have memories, clear memories of Angel and me making love? I don’t think I would have gotten as serious with Riley, and broke his heart quite so badly, if I had known and realized how much Angel and I still loved each other, if I had had those things to hold onto.

And that might have been a mistake. I’m sorry Riley got his heart broken. It was never anything I wanted to happen. Riley taught me a lot of things about a relationship, and about myself. He taught me that sex doesn’t make a lasting relationship. He taught me that I won’t ever be normal, no matter what happens. He also taught me that I can’t settle for in a relationship. If it’s not all consuming passion, written in the stars, mythical kind of soul mate love, it’s not enough. Without Riley, I may never have figured these things out.

I know Angel took those memories away from me because he was afraid I would hurt too much over them. He was also afraid I wouldn’t let myself get over what we almost had. He’s probably right. That doesn’t make it any easier that he took those memories from me. There’s a short knock on the door. Angel slips in. He doesn’t look at me. He sits a container of blood on the nightstand.

“You need to eat. You’re not completely healed yet. That’s some of the human blood Wes had delivered earlier.” He says quietly and turns to go.

“Angel, wait.” He took the memories away from me. He’s the only one that does remember and he’s the only one that can give them back to me. He stops and looks at me with his puppy eyes. “Tell me about eating ice cream and chocolate and peanut butter, please. “

I’ve researched until I think my brain is going to fall out. I have to give it to Giles, Willow, Wesley, Tara and Fred though, they never stop, and they never give up hope. They just keep reading books, trying to figure out what this Oracle wants and how to stop her.

I’m sitting on that funky round couch in the lobby, contemplating making out with Angel, when the phone rings. Willow picks it up, as she’s nearest to it.

“Angel Investigations,” The red head cradles the phone between her ear and shoulder. Her brow is furrowed as she attempts to muddle out something in one of Wes’ dusty old books. “Uh huh, just a sec.” She holds the phone out. “Angel, it’s the hospital.”

I know what’s happened by the expression on his face. He nods and hangs up the phone. He crosses the lobby to the closet and takes his duster out. “We’ve got to go to the hospital. Buffy and I can hide under a blanket in the back seat. Cordy died.”

A silence goes over the hotel, almost like everyone stopped breathing for a moment. I swear I had to strain to hear heartbeats. Then there’s a strangled noise. I think it comes from Fred. Wes is by her side. He takes her in his arms. Xander looks to Willow. He’s shocked, completely shocked numb by the news. Willow crosses over to him and takes his hands in hers. I grab one of Angel’s dusters out of the closet and put it on over my own clothes. I link my fingers with his and look up into chocolate brown eyes that express the pain he is feeling so well.

Angel and I huddle together under a heavy blanket the entire way to the hospital. He doesn’t say anything. I know he is taking comfort from me though in the way he holds me, the way he keeps taking deep breaths of me. I comfort him the only way I know how. I touch him, I kiss him, and I whisper I love you. He just closes his eyes and soaks it all in.

Wes parks the car in the parking garage and we take the elevator up to Cordy’s floor. Wes approaches the nurse’s station. “We’re here to speak about Cordelia Chase.” He says. His British accent hides a lot of his pain. It also seems to get attention. The nurse disappears and comes back with a doctor in a white coat. Wes leads him over to our rather expansive group. Most of us have met him at one point or another since Cordy has been here.

“I’m sorry to have to tell you this terrible news. It’s never an easy job, but Miss Chase died from a massive brain hemorrhage. We don’t have any idea what caused it, much like we still don’t know what caused the coma.”

We know what caused the coma and the hemorrhage, the visions. Cordy has had two that we know of since she was in the coma; the last one had to have been a major one. Wes takes care of the paperwork and the nurse leads us into Cordy’s room. It’s a shock. She’s lying on the bed, her hands folded across her stomach. Someone has carefully arranged her hair. I swallow hard. I’ve seen a lot of bodies. I’ve even seen the bodies of people I know. Very rarely have I seen the body of someone I regarded as a friend. Cordy and I may have had our differences over the years, but she was a friend. More importantly she was Angel’s best friend. I squeeze his hand. He drifts over to the bedside. I catch him as he stumbles to his knees. He puts his elbows on the bed and buries his head in his hands.

“I’m sorry, Cordy. I’m sorry we couldn’t figure this out earlier. I’m so sorry Cordy. I’m going to miss you so much.” He says.

Tears spring to my eyes and tighten my throat. It’s hard to see him like this. I hate being helpless. I hate not knowing what to do or say. I hate that there is nothing I can do to make this better.

Angel takes Cordy’s hand in his. He presses it tightly between his hands. He lowers his head and whispers the Lord’s Prayer. After a moment he places her hand back across her stomach and stands. His eyes glisten with unshed tears. He takes my hand in his and leads me out of the room. We stand outside while Xander, Gunn, Wes, Willow and Giles all say their goodbyes. I catch each of them in a hug as they come out of the room. We stand in a little group, lending comfort to each other in various ways.

When we finally return to the hotel, Wes disappears to call Cordy’s parents. She wasn’t close to them but they will want to know their only daughter is dead. Willow, Xander, Gunn, and Fred gather in the lobby to talk, cry, laugh and comfort each other. Angel is silent throughout everyone’s stories and reminiscing. He listens for an hour or so then he takes me by the hand and leads me upstairs. We make love and it’s slow, sweet and achingly tender. It’s comforting and healing. Angel curls around me when we’re done and finally cries all those unshed tears.

Chapter Thirty Nine

-Angel-

Cordy’s parents came down from Sunnydale. Her mother went on and on about how the stress of this wasn’t good for her health. She said she’d have to spend a week in a Swiss spa to get rid of the lines. Her father complained about the amount of money a funeral would cost. In the end, I offered to take care of everything. I wrote her mother a check to go to the spa. I just wanted Cordy’s real family, the family that loves her, to handle this. Besides, I had to get them out of there. Angelus kept threatening to eat them.

We had her cremated. I remember all to well the horror she had in Sunnydale when someone was making girls out of spare girl parts. I want her soul to rest assured that we have made sure nothing like that could happen to her. There’s not a lot you can do with ashes.

A couple of hours before dawn our little group goes down to Paramount Studios. I had to knock the guard at the gate unconscious. We scatter and bury Cordy’s ashes in the flower bed in front of the gates. We all decided it was what she’d want.

The show must go on, or at least that’s what Hollywood says. I have to think Cordy would agree with that. I can’t help but feel like we’re fighting blind here. I don’t have a seer or a contact to the powers that be. I have no way of knowing what’s coming next. Buffy is upstairs, getting ready to attend her Commander meeting. I don’t want her to go but I know it’s the only way we’re likely to get any information on what’s coming and we need to know.

Wesley, Giles, Willow and Tara are working on magic we can use against the Oracle. I look up as Buffy comes out of our room and walks down the stairs. She joins me on the couch. I pull her into my arms and inhale the scent of her. I could drown in this woman and be perfectly happy.

“You’ll be extra careful tonight, won’t you?” I whisper

She nods. “I promise I’ll come back to you. I’ll always come back to you, no matter what, Angel.”

“You better, I came back from Hell for you.” I fight to keep the tears out of my eyes and my voice. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m never going to see her again.

“Then I’ve got it easy, I’ve just got to come back from a little meeting.” She says with a smile.

A little meeting that includes a demon army and a time folding Oracle vamp. So yeah, I’m worried.

-Buffy-

Angel and Gunn are in the warehouse behind me. We don’t have a big group tonight because I know if I get caught we won’t be able to kill all the demons in this warehouse. Angel and Gunn will be solely focused on getting me out of there alive. I walk into the warehouse and I try not to gape. There’s a huge gathering of demons. I’d say close to a hundred. We’re so screwed. I go take my place next to the other “commanders” standing in front of the mass of demons. Oh goody, it seems the whole thing was just waiting for me to start. Dulek steps up and the crowd of demons goes quiet.

“You are all honored to be in Her Immortalness’ army. Trust me when I say you will be richly rewarded in the end. We do not have long to prepare. Her Immortalness makes plans to take over Los Angeles the first night of the full moon. For those of you who don’t know, that’s only a week away.” Dulek says.

Great, that doesn’t give us much time to form a plan. It’s a good thing Sunnydale taught me to think on my feet. One of the demons in the group before us speaks in a loud clear voice.

“So when do we get to meet this Immortalness, herself?”

I was kind of wondering that myself.

“You will meet Her Immortalness when and if she decides to grace you with her presence.” Dulek responds in a cold voice.

Oooo, so cancel that 9am appointment, I think. Dulek begins splitting the large group off with the various commanders. One of the demons is arguing with him about going with my group. This is not of the good.

“That’s the Slayer.” I hear him say.

Dulek looks over at me. He and the argumentive demon walk toward me. I try not to look nervous, which probably means I look very nervous and very guilty.

“Tito here says you’re the Slayer.” Dulek says.

I put on my game face. “Do I look like any Slayer you’ve ever met?”

Tito is obviously surprised by my transformation. Dulek looks to Tito as if waiting for an answer.

“Well, no, but she was Angelus’ Slayer.” Tito offers as an excuse.

Geez, excuse me but does everyone know about my love life? Who took out the ad in the paper? “Angelus,” I manage to purr. “Now he was a formidable foe. It’s a shame he can’t come out to play.” I’m going to have to wash my mouth out with soap when I leave here.

“So you admit it? You’re Angelus’ Slayer.” Tito looks to me.

“I was turned brain trust. I might have been the Slayer at one time, but I’m not anymore.” God I suck at undercover. I might have mentioned this to Angel before we decided to put me undercover.

Dulek looks me up and down as if he’s trying to make some sort of decision. I consider reaching up and trying to snap his neck before he has the chance. That might buy me enough shock value to get out of there alive. Dulek is wary of me. He knows it would be good to have me on his side. I think we stood there staring each other down for a good five minutes, like those rams you see on the National Geographic Channel. “You know, screw this. Hi, I’m Buffy, the vampire slayer.” I slam a fist into his solar plexus and snap his neck as he bends at the waist. I let out a blood curdling scream before his body falls to the concrete.

I take notice in a way that is more feeling then seeing that Gunn and Angel have joined the battle. I’m covered in blood, a lot of it’s not mine, go me. I have a bloodied stake in my right hand, my only weapon. There aren’t many vampires in this group but I’ve found a stake is a good multi purpose weapon that I know how to use. The press of demons is actually working for me, instead of against me. They can’t get in good solid punches and hits because there’s just not enough room. There’s a steel beam above me that I could probably jump and grab onto, if I could get the room to jump. As it is, I’m punching and kicking without aiming and I never come up joyless. A hand clamps onto my wrist. I whirl and stop the stake inches from Angel’s heart. He smiles at me and we turn back to back, fighting our way to the door. He’s got his favorite broadsword. I can see Gunn a bit closer to the door is doing some damage with his axe.

“You know, I was worried when all you brought was that stake, but you’re dangerous with it.” Angel says to me.

“I get by.” I shoot back with a smirk as I plunge the stake into the throat of something ugly that got to close. I jerk it out and he falls back screaming and holding his hands to stop the gout of green blood.

I’m exhausted, I’m covered in blood that has turned sticky by now and we’re still surrounded by demons. I catch sight of one out of my peripheral vision just before Angel yells “Duck.” I drop in a crouch, trusting him. He slices the head off of a vamp and the guy’s ax clatters to the floor. I pick up the ax and spring back up. I take one half turn with it, cutting a swath of demons in the process.

“Nice, I can see the appeal of these axes.” I say.

Angel just chuckles and shoves his sword through a demon. I can see the door from here. Gunn is clearing the door. He’s got it about half way open, trying to stem the flow of demons through it. A few more dead demons, a couple more feet and we’re at the door.

“Bring the car around, Gunn. Buffy and I can hold the door ‘til you get back.” Angel says.

“Hurry,” I add. I’m tired. I want a shower, I want a bed and I want Angel time.

Gunn pulls the car up and Angel and I tumble in the backseat. He speeds off leaving an angry horde of demons behind.

“Are you okay?” Angel asks me.

I nod. “I think so. I reopened the wound on my back and my shoulder. There’s a nice gash on my thigh but all in all, most of the blood isn’t mine. You?”

He shrugs. “I’ll live. We got to you pretty quickly. There wasn’t a lot of time for anything to beat on me.”

Maybe not a lot of time, but something hit him in the face. He’s got a cut below his left eye that looks stitch worthy and his lip is bleeding.

“Gunn, have you got anything a first aid kit won’t patch up?” I lean over the front seat and ask.

“Nah that was a walk in the park.” He says, keeping his eyes on the road. I notice he is covered in a fair amount of blood and some of it smells human.

I wait until we’re back at the hotel and everyone is patched up before I tell them the little I found out in the secret pow wow meeting.

“What does she mean, take over Los Angeles?” Gunn asks.

“I don’t know.” I confess. “I sort of blew the undercover thing before we got around to that. I’m sorry, guys. I really suck at undercover.”

“No, we know more now then we did, and that’s always a help.” Giles says.

I smile at him. I can always count on Giles to be Yay Buffy with the knowledge.

“We’ve got a few hours until sunrise. Let’s split up into a couple of groups and see if we can’t hit up some of our contacts, find out a little more of what’s up here. If she’s got that big a demon army then someone knows something.” Angel says.

I sigh and stand up. “Just let me go wash some of this stuff off. I’ll be back down in 15 minutes.”

Once the blood and gore is washed off and I’m in fresh clothes I feel better. Hitting up contacts doesn’t sound like such a bad idea, especially since I know Angel’s idea of hitting up a contact involves actual hitting.

We walk through another alley. I think we’ve been in a dozen so far. Angel tells me I’ll like this next place, it’s nostalgic. My fingers are laced loosely with his. I glance over at him. A shaft of moonlight falls on his face and the breath I don’t have is taken away. Tears sting my eyes. Was this man always so beautiful? It’s not a wonder I couldn’t help falling in love with him from the moment I met him. I also realize why I spent so much time denying it. After all, nothing that beautiful could be real. It has to be a dream. I stop and tug on his hand. Angel stops and looks back at me confused. My fingers caress the cut under his eye. It’s beginning to heal already.

“Are you real?” I ask with a whispered awe.

He smiles that half grin and my body flashes hot. I stretch on tip toe and brush his lips lightly with my own. He wraps his arm around my waist and crushes me to him, deepening the kiss. My hands find their way to the nape of his neck and tangle in his hair. He lifts me off my feet. I nip at his bottom lip. He opens his mouth instinctively and lets my tongue slip in.

When he finally sets me back on my feet, I’m dizzy. His shirt is unbuttoned and my hair is tangled from his fingers.

“Come on, we have one more contact to check out before we can go back home and finish that.” He says

The nostalgia of this place is that it reminds me of Willy’s. There’s even a sniveling human bartender that could be Willy’s brother. It has a decidedly Irish flare to it though.

“Doyle introduced me to this place when I first came to LA.” Angel says.

“He had-good taste.” I finish weakly.

Angel quirks a grin at me and sits down at the bar. The bartender looks over at him wearily, avoiding his eyes. Angel is looking daggers through him. Finally the bartender can’t avoid it any longer. He comes over.

“Hey, Angel. What can I get you?” the bartender wheezes.

“New vamp in town. She wants to take over LA. I want to know what she means by that, and I don’t know isn’t an option here.”

The guy flicks his eyes over to me. Angel grabs him by the throat. “Don’t even look at her. Answer the question, Sean.” He releases the bartender’s throat.

Sean rubs his throat and coughs, makes a big show of being hurt. Willy used to do the same thing, until he figured out stalling got him even more hurt.

“I’ll ask one more time. Then I’m going to let her hit you.” Angel gestures toward me.

I spread my hands wide and shrug. “What can I say? I like to hit.” I let my vamp face flash for just a second. The guy gets the picture. His eyes go wide and he starts stuttering out his story.

“She’s says she’s seen the future. There’s nothing anyone can do to stop it. Since she’s an Oracle she knows how it’s going to turn out. She’s going to make LA an all you can eat demon buffet. She’s offering higher positions in her army if you sign up before the buffet starts.”

“What is it with vamps wanting to destroy the world?” I ask Angel.

He shrugs. “I don’t know. The only reason I wanted to suck the world into Hell was because I love you.”

“Right and it’s the gift that keeps on giving.” I quip.

“Exactly. How many other guys have offered to suck the world into hell for you?” Angel grins at me. Sean, the bartender is looking at us like we’ve gone insane.

Angel turns his attention back to Sean. “Is that all you know? I really don’t want to come back down here and if I have to, I can promise you I’m going to be peckish.”

“Where’s she at?” I ask.

“I don’t know. I swear. Several of the guys in here the other night were talking about it. They think she stays in another dimension until she needs something here. That’s all I know. I swear.” Sean snivels

“Great, a time folding, can’t fall in battle scepter holding, dimension hopping vamp, can this get any better?” I grumble.

Chapter Forty

-Buffy-

The hotel has become apocalypse center. Willow, Wesley, Giles, Tara and Fred have stopped being polite to the books. They are stacked everywhere on the floor. Willow is generally lying on the lobby floor flipping through no less the three books. Giles and Wes are trading books over the curved desk. Fred is pounding on the computer and reading simultaneously. I actually feel like a slacker. Angel is obsessively sharpening every weapon he owns. Xander and Fred make sure that the hotel is filled with some sort of food every minute of every day because no one here really sleeps. They gravitate to a room just before they drop and sleep for a couple of hours before returning to the books.

I think a lot about what happens if we don’t stop this thing. What happens to LA, and then Sunnydale? I’ve got to make decisions and they are hard ones. I hate the hard decisions. I watch everyone from my corner in the lobby. Fred and Xander are next to the pizza box. Xander’s got pieces of pepperoni over his eyes and he’s making weird noises. Fred thinks it’s hysterical from the way she’s laughing. Willow is nearly asleep on her book. Tara, Giles and Wesley are involved in a deep discussion about something they found. Angel and Gunn are doing the weapons thing again. I bite my lip and taste blood. I hate to break up this happy party, sarcastic on the happy, but it’s about to get less happy.

I walk up to Xander and touch him on the shoulder. He jumps a couple of feet in the air.

“Holy Batman Buff! Can you make a little more noise with the walking next time?”

I smile at him. “Sorry, Xan, I need to talk to you.”

He hears the serious tone in my voice and immediately becomes serious himself. We go down to the training room. I lean against the wall. Xander leans next to me. I rest my head on his arm.

“Xan, you know I love you, right?” I say.

“Hold on, Buff, this sounds a little too much like goodbye and we’re not to that point yet.” He says.

“Yes, Xander, we are. I need a favor.” I smile weakly at him.

He nods, not trusting his voice to say anything. His eyes glisten with tears.

“I’m worried. I don’t know if we can win this battle. I mean I’ve faced odds before, hello hell god, but this girl, if she doesn’t like the way the battle is going she can just fold time and take it back. I don’t know how to beat that. I don’t know if I can win this one. Everyone I know and love is here and they will all be going into battle, except Dawn.” I look up at Xander. I know he’s already thinking what I’m thinking.

“Xander, I want you to raise her.”

The silence hangs over the training room like a blanket. Finally Xander speaks and it comes out a croak. He clears his voice and chuckles a little. “Buff, I’m not even a real grown up, now you want me to make sure she gets to be one?”

I sigh. “Ok, listen, this is the deal. Everyone else out there does magic or has a super hero power, except Gunn and I don’t trust him to give my little sister to-“

“And I don’t.” Xander sounds bitter.

“No, but you have the most important job of all, Xander. The only thing more important to me then saving the world is saving Dawn. That’s why I jumped into that portal, that’s why I died. Not to save the world, to save Dawn. I can’t be there to do what I’m asking you to do, because I have to be here. I have to save the world, again. I want you to save Dawn, for me. And if we all die, get her as far away from LA as possible. Pick a nice little town on the east coast that doesn’t have any history of anything bad, but not Maine because they have Stephen King and it’s yet to be confirmed but I think he’s a demon, of some kind.”

Xander laughs. It’s a dry harsh sound that doesn’t sound anything like the Xander laugh I heard up stairs with the pepperoni eyes. I can tell he’s trying to keep from crying. “Are you sure, Buffy?”

“There’s no one else in the world I’d rather have raise her, except Mom and we know that can’t be.” I say.

He nods. “What do I tell her?”

“Nothing, unless you don’t hear from us. I’ll write a letter for her for you to give her, just in case. If I call and say hey bring the Dawnster up its dinner and a movie night, then you burn the letter, don’t ever let her know I was afraid we wouldn’t make it.”

I hug him and he holds on tightly for a long time. I smile a little, remembering a time he refused to touch me because my skin was cool. It was a long road, but Xander and I got back to where we belong. I only hope I’m around to enjoy it after Vampy Time Fold Immortalness.

We trudge back up the steps to the lobby. Angel looks at me and nods slightly. I nod back. We discussed this the night before in our bedroom. It was the one worry I had going into battle. Now that it’s taking care of I can concentrate on saving the world, again.

-Angel-

I’ve been through so many apocalypses, and even caused a few, that there isn’t much preparing, personally, that I need to do. I check to make sure my will is in order. Everything I own is left to Buffy, in event that Buffy and I both die, everything goes to Dawn. I consider Buffy my wife, I have since I first gave her that claddagh ring on her seventeenth birthday. Dawn is Buffy’s sister and therefore the closest thing I have to family.

Buffy walks in and interrupts my brooding. She smiles softly at me and sits down in my lap. That simple action makes me feel utterly complete and content. It’s like half of me has been gone and just returned. I bury my face in her shoulder and sit in silence, holding her.

I don’t have any goodbyes to say. Everyone I care about or love will be going into battle with me. If I fall, there’s a good chance they will too. There are a few things I need Buffy to know before we go into battle. I whisper softly into her neck, knowing she can hear me.

“I’ve walked this earth two hundred and seventy seven years, both as a man and a monster. I’ve seen everything and done many things I wish I hadn’t. I have a lot of regrets, but none of them are about things I didn’t do. The one thing on this earth I will miss is you. I will miss the way you smell, like vanilla and sunshine, I don’t know if I’ve ever told you that. I will miss the way you move, so graceful. I will miss your laugh and everything that makes you Buffy. Most of all I will miss your smile. I don’t miss the sunlight anymore, because when you smile at me, I forget I haven’t seen the sun in over two hundred years. It lights up your whole face. I will miss the way you look at me when I first walk into a room, like I’m a dream that just walked into reality. You are the only thing on this earth I will miss Buffy, and if I should fall and you continue to live, live for me. Be my legacy, remind this world, my friends that there was once a vampire with a soul named Angel and that he did some good, I hope, and that he made a difference.” My tears drip onto her collarbone and I can tell that she’s crying too. She doesn’t say a word. She stands up and takes my hand. She leads me to our bed and slowly undresses. Sometimes there just aren’t words for this much love.

Chapter Forty One

-Buffy-

Angel’s car and Gunn’s truck are parked down the street from the warehouse. We all carry weapons. I have a nifty ax and my ever present stakes. Angel has his favorite broadsword. Gunn has his hubcap axe. Wes and Giles carry short swords and daggers. Willow and Tara carry only small daggers. Their real weapon, our real weapon, is their magic. Fred has a cross bow and a short sword but she’s not going to be in the middle of the fight either. Angel says she’s gotten good with a crossbow and should be able to help protect Willow and Tara.

“Ok, Willow, you’re going to try and take care of the magic thing, right?” I ask walking beside the red head.

Willow nodded. “If we succeed you’ll feel it, the problem is, so will she. You won’t have much time once the spell is cast.”

Willow and Tara have found a spell that will nullify all magic cast in an area. It’s our best hope. If it fails, well, I hope we take Her Immortalness with us.

We sneak into the warehouse from a skylight above. There’s so much noise from all the demons on the floor that they can’t hear our relatively stealthy entrance. Willow and Tara take up their position at the back of the catwalk in a dark corner. They busily set up candles and herbs while the rest of us move forward. I look over the metal railing at the scene before me.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many demons in one place. The concrete floor of the expansive warehouse is nearly covered in demons. They are all talking, shouting or readying weapons. This isn’t the un-armed, un-prepared mob we faced a week ago. These guys are ready to go to war. That’s okay; we’re ready to go to war too. There is a large demon with gray mottled skin standing on the dais at the front of the building. It appears that he took Dulek’s position as General.

There’s a disturbance in the air. It gets that wavy look like when the heat comes up off the pavement. The Oracle steps through the disturbance and stands on the dais next to Gray guy. She’s got this golden skin, really golden like the Oscars, and there are swirly blue-green tattoos painted all over her skin. Her dark hair is up and she wears a deep blue toga. She’s actually really pretty in that other worldly way. There’s a moment where I panic, I have to fight her? Then the Slayer in me takes over. I can do this. I have to do this because if I don’t, there’s no place far enough that Dawnie can run. I glance over at Angel on my right side. Gunn is on my left. Wes and Giles are just behind us. Fred has a position in the corner where she can use her crossbow to the best advantage. Angel smiles at me. He whispers the words “I love you.” I whisper “I love you” back to him. He knows that. It’s not why I say it. I say to give him strength, to give him courage and a reason to fight. I know he says it for the same reasons. I look down at the Oracle standing on the dais. It’s time.

“I’ve got to hand it to you; you know how to make an entrance.” I shout.

The Oracle looks up at me in shock. She can’t believe someone had the audacity to crash her party. “Slayer, you’re supposed to be dead.”

“Well, we have one thing in common then.” I retort.

“You can not stop me, Slayer. You can not even hope to delay my plans. I am all knowing, I am all seeing-“

“This explains why you didn’t know I wasn’t dead.” I interrupt.

“Quiet, lower being and I will spare you.” The Oracle says.

“You know, I failed the quiet part of the exam. Sorry.” I do handstand on the railing of the catwalk and jump down, landing in a crouch among a pack of stunned demons. I notice Gunn, Angel, Wes and Giles all follow my lead, only no handstand. I always do have to make it pretty.

I spring up out of my crouch, ax already whirling. I cut one demon in half at his knees, another at his waist and cut a serious gaping hole in the chest of another. There is a second where the demons are to stunned to do anything. I use the time to surge forward toward the dais and the Oracle.

Angel is a few feet away from me cutting down demons as fast as he can. He is momentarily covered in demons. I hear a feral roar and there’s a splash of blood. He fights his way up from under the mountain of demons, slicing and dicing as he goes. He smiles at me through bloody vamp teeth. There’s a cut on his forehead that’s dripping blood. I see a demon raise a sword over his head out of my peripheral vision. I turn and block it with my ax handle just in time. The blade slips off the wooden handle and slices into my upper arm. I vamp out and push through the pain, slicing the demon’s sword arm off.

From somewhere behind me a mace clobbers the small of my back. I stumble to my knees. I can feel the blood drip into the waistband of my pants. Dammit my stakes are going to get all bloody and slick, not to mention a pair of my favorite pants. The same mace shatters my left shoulder. I scream in agony. I’ve got to get up; they are going to kill me down here. I shove up off the concrete with my right hand. The shattered bones of my left shoulder grind together. I don’t know how I can hear this sound with all the other sounds of battle going through me, but I can. I slice up with my ax as I shove myself to my feet. The sharp blade catches on a demon’s pelvis bone but then slices through cleanly. Two halves of one demon lay on the floor.

I glance up at the catwalk. Fred is still up in the corner of the catwalk shooting demons with her crossbow, and doing a fair job of it. I jump and launch a spinning roundhouse kick at a vahrall demon on my right. He stumbles back. I swing my axe one handed and cut deep into his neck. I don’t have the power to cut all the way through with my left shoulder shattered the way it is. I pull the axe blade out of the vahrall’s neck. I shove the pointed handle of the axe back into the heart of a vamp, he dusts before I can turn around.

I feel a dagger or maybe claws skitter across my ribcage. I spin on my heel, swinging the ax with me. A demon vaguely resembling a large bird, or the raptors on Jurassic Park, hisses and jumps nimbly out of the way. He lurches at me again. I feint, trying to avoid those razor sharp claws. I can feel the stickiness of my cold blood coating my right side. This is not how I thought I would die. I always figured vampire first and then when Angel turned me, I figured a clean stake to the heart. I didn’t want to be picked to pieces by a demon squad. I wonder briefly if they’ll auction my pieces on eBay. Oh come on, like they wouldn’t? I’m the one and only Vampire vampire slayer.

I’m being backed into a hoard of demons that Gunn is taking on solo. He seems to be doing a damn good job. The bird thing is doing a good job of keeping me on my toes. It’s just a matter of time before the bird gets me, or the hordes behind me. If I can stay alive a little while longer, Willow and Tara will have cast their spell and Angel will have a chance to kill the Oracle. Angel, where’s Angel. Oh God, I can’t see him. He’s got to be okay though. I’d feel it if he wasn’t, wouldn’t I? Focus Buffy, bird thing in front of you, demon horde behind you. Stay alive a little while longer. The bird makes a swipe at me with his claws. I jump back, but I’m not fast enough. He slashes across my chest and stomach. Fire burns through me and the whole place goes silent, only it doesn’t. I can see there should be noise, the clang of swords, screams of agony, there just aren’t any. And I think maybe Willow did her spell. Things are getting black around the edges. I fall to my knees and then my hands. I close my eyes against a blow that never comes.

Cool, beautiful hands are lifting me up. Angel pulls me against his chest. He tilts my chin up with his fingers. “Quitting already?” he asks.

I shake my head. “Bird thing-“I hold my hands over my stomach. I think my intestines are trying to slip out. I don’t really need them though, do I?

“Buffy, I need you to keep fighting.” He looks through me, into me, into my very soul. He takes his jacket off and calmly, tightly knots it around my split open middle. I nod.

I pick up my axe and brace my back against Angel. We can fight this together and if we don’t, then at least I get to die with him. I always knew I’d die young. It’s part of the Slayer gig. It would have been nice to spend forever with Angel though.

There’s a ripple that goes through the warehouse. I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s got to be Willow’s spell. I glance up. The Oracle is still standing on her dais watching the battle raging below. She’s only about 50 yards away, but its 50 yards covered with demons. I tap Angel on the shoulder. “I’ve got an idea. I need to get to that dais fast.” I whisper my “plan” such as it is to him. This is so gonna hurt. I push the pain to the back of my mind again. I’m the Slayer, this I can do. This I have to do. I can worry about intestines spilling and whether it will kill me or not later.

“Buffy, are you sure?”

I nod. “Trust me. I spent every summer of childhood doing this with my older cousins. I’ve got this.”

Angel makes a foothold with both of his hands. I step into it. Angel pushes up with his hands; I shove off of his shoulders. Pain arcs through my body. I feel like I’m being torn in half. Even so, Vamp reflexes and agility makes this so much easier then it used to be in the swimming pool. I flip through the air and land in a crouch on the dais. Her Immortalness actually looks surprised. She waves her hand in the air and then looks confused. She tries it again. Thank God for Willow’s spell.

“So how’d you go from dead to vampire?” I slam a punch into her stomach. She blocks the roundhouse I was going to follow up with. She’s strong.

“I wouldn’t be much of an Oracle if I couldn’t take back a day and prepare my own demise.” She responds coolly. We could be having tea for all the ruffled she is.

“There is that. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the time folding, day swallowing thing.” I say as I dodge an uppercut and catch her in the ribcage with a front kick. She grabs my ankle and twists. I lose my balance and hit the dais hard. I hear more bones in my left shoulder crunch. Blood gushes from my sliced open abdomen.

The Oracle bends down to look at me lying broken and bleeding on her stage. “So you’re the one he gave up his humanity for? I expected you to be…special.”

“And you’re the one that took away my memories of a perfect day.” I say shoving myself off the floor and into her face. I reach up and grab a handful of dark hair. I slam her nose into my knee. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.” I say as I shove home my bloodied wooden stake. She dusts, like every vampire. The vamp dust clings to the sticky wet blood that covers my body. I collapse on the dais and lay there. I can hear the sounds of battle around me. The Oracle is dead but the battle is still going on.

I roll onto my right side. Angel and Gunn are less then 5 yards from the dais. All around them lay bodies and parts of demons. They are both covered in blood and gore, some of it their own, thankfully not all of it. Angel seems to be doing well, but I can tell Gunn is wearing thin. Even though it hurts, I’ve got to get back into this fight. I roll up to my feet. I lost my axe somewhere. My fingers loosely grip a stake. I jump down to the floor and it jars every bone in my body. I grit my teeth against the pain and wade into the war.

It’s a blur, most of it anyway. I keep hitting and punching and kicking and the room keeps getting darker and darker. At some point I fall. I tell myself to get up. Myself doesn’t listen. It’s kind of funny, Angel thinking I’d be his legacy. It looks like he’ll be mine.

Chapter Forty Two

-Angel-

I see her fall. I can’t get to her in time. She hits the concrete floor. I see her head bounce. I cut through, literally, four demons before I manage to get to her side. I stand guard over her, killing everything that comes near her. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be standing though. I can’t see much out of my left eye as a result of a flail smashing me in the left temple. The entire left side of my face is crusted with blood. It’s possible I’ve got a concussion from the same blow. There’s a gash that goes all the way to the bone on the right side of my collarbone. If the demon that gave that to me had been more accurate he would have cut off my head. There’s a stake imbedded just to the left of my heart. There’s a long slash from a sword to my thigh. The entire back of my shirt is gone and the skin underneath is a mass of claw marks.

I look over to Gunn. He looks to be in as bad a shape as I am. The fact that he’s a human and still standing despite his wounds is a testament to his spirit and his courage. I am proud to be in battle with him. Giles and Wes stand back to back across the warehouse, swords in hand. They are covered in blood. I’m fairly certain they are standing back to back to hold each other up.

“Angel!” Willow’s voice sounds from above. I look up. Willow and Tara are still on the catwalk. I don’t see Fred. “Get Buffy and get out of here. Tara and I have enough in us for one more spell that should take care of what’s left here.”

I nod. I lean over and vertigo sets in. I struggle against passing out and scoop Buffy up in my arms. I make sure Wes, Giles and Gunn are all heading toward the entrance. They try to clear the way for me. A Sloth demon gets in front of me. He lunges for me. I head butt him and see stars. Blackness threatens to pour over me and I know I can’t pass out. I can’t drop Buffy. I stumble and someone is beside me, holding me up.

“Give her to me.” I recognize Giles’ voice, even though everything is to dark to see. I feel him lift Buffy’s slight weight from my arms. I stumble outside the warehouse. Giles and Buffy are right behind me. I can smell them, even if I can’t actually see them. The cool night air helps the blackness recede.

There is a screech of tires. Fred pulls up in my Plymouth. I wasn’t even aware Fred could drive, but at the moment she’s the only one not likely to pass out from loss of blood. I climb in the car. Giles hands me Buffy. I cradle her to my chest and bury my face in her hair, which is matted with blood, some of it hers and some of it demon. Giles climbs in the backseat. Wes takes the front seat.

My last conscious thought is the huge explosion as the car speeds away.

I catch a whiff of rubbing alcohol but it’s faint. I unconsciously take a deep breath and open my eyes. Only the right one responds. The left eye is swollen shut. My vision seems blurry. There’s a soft blip of surrounding machines. There’s an IV in my hand. I turn my head, trying to take in as much as I can with my limited vision; the room begins spinning, definitely a concussion. I’m fairly certain I’m in a hospital. It’s got to be the demon one, because I’m not in a freezer in the morgue. God, everything hurts. I think the last time I hurt this much I was being tortured, slowly.

“How are you feeling, Honey?” A nurse asks as she walks into my field of vision.

“Crap.” I manage to spit out. My mouth feels like it’s been jammed with a dirty sock.

The nurse chuckles, “I imagine you would. I’m going to give you some pain medicine, but I’m afraid I can’t give you much.”

“Buffy, blond girl, came in with.” I ask in very stilted words.

“The vampire?” The nurse asks.

I nod and the room rewards me by tilting. I put my hand to my head. It feels hot. One of the demons must have had a poisoned blade or something that gave me a fever.

“She’s going to be fine. She’s still unconscious but the doctor got her patched up. She’s lucky she’s a vampire, not many things human or demon could live through the injuries she had.” The nurse says.

“Thank you,” I whisper before slipping back into unconsciousness.

I don’t know how long I’m unconscious. I keep fading in and out. I’m not sure if it’s the pain killers they keep giving me or not. I try to tell them to give me blood. If I can drink down a couple of glasses, I’ll start healing. I can’t wake up enough to tell them though. It doesn’t matter. I’ll sleep just a little while longer. Eventually I’ll wake up, I’ll tell them then, it’s not like I could actually die from my injuries, no matter how grave they are.

I open my eyes. The left one seems to open a small slit at least. That’s good. I’m healing a little bit. My mind is still muzzy with drugs and who knows what else. I turn my head to the right. The room doesn’t spin or tilt. I’m not threatened with blackness or a sense of vertigo. Buffy is sitting in a chair next to my bed. She can’t be. She was hurt worse then I was. She should still be in bed. I start to speak, to tell her this and I notice she’s been crying. I feel a sickness overwhelm me. Someone must have died. Giles maybe, or Willow or Tara. I squeeze her hand. She looks up at me with liquid gray eyes. She smiles very slightly and leans forward to kiss me on the forehead.

“Morning, Sleepyhead.” She whispers.

I take a deep breath. I can’t smell her. The alcohol and the pain killers must be messing with my sense of smell. “Who died?” Subtle I know. I’m still not really feeling up to subtle.

She takes a deep hitching breath. “I knew there was a strong possibility. We’d talked about it the night before the battle. She was supposed to do it only if there was no hope of us winning though.”

I look at her puzzled. I don’t have a clue what she’s talking about. Remember, the mind is still muzzy.

“Willow and Tara blew up the warehouse. They saved-everyone. They weren’t supposed to though, only if we couldn’t win. We were though-winning. I think. I can’t remember. I remember falling and I couldn’t get up. I tried, I just couldn’t.” her voice sounds lost. My heart breaks for her. Willow was her best friend, the person she could always count on to be on her side, the person she cried to when I left her.

I pull her fingers to my lips and kiss them. I wince at the pain it causes. She smiles weakly at me, tears glisten in her eyes. “Sorry.” I say.

She shakes her head. “It-it was a good way to go. I mean world save-age, that’s hero status, you know.” She bites her bottom lip and swallows hard. “That’s enough of that. We’ve got things to celebrate you know. How do you feel?”

“Everything hurts and not healing so fast.” I croak.

Buffy strokes the hair at my temple and places a light kiss there. “Being human will do that to you.”

Chapter Forty Three

-Buffy-

Wes told me about shoeshine. The vampire with a soul will live to die. I guess that didn’t include all vampires with souls. I mean there was only supposed to be one, right? In any case, no human joy for Buffy, which is good I guess, I mean the doctor said I would have died if I had been human, even with my slayer healing.

Angel human, how many times did I dream that? Zillions upon billions of times might come close, maybe. I’m happy for him, at least part of me is. He will get to do all the things he’s wanted to do for literally hundreds of years. He can walk in the sun; he can watch the sun rise. He can have picnics in the park. He’ll be able to eat chocolate and ice cream and really taste it. He can have children. God, Angel would have beautiful children. All things I can’t do. The other part of me is screaming. He was supposed to spend a literal forever with me. He promised never to leave me alone. I’m being selfish, I know but I can’t help it. Maybe if I had had some warning but I didn’t Angel never told me about soulshine.

I mean really, look at it from my point of view. The first time I hear of the shushi is after I’ve woken up in the hospital to find Angel has a heart beat and body temperature. I’ve been sitting by his bed since I woke up just looking at him. He looks vulnerable and younger somehow. I crawl into the bed with him and curl my body up against his. The nurse will be in here to yell at me soon I’m sure but I don’t care.

It feels odd, and very un-Angel-y. He’s warm to the touch. The sound of his even breathing and the rush of his blood are like a lullaby. I can feel my cool skin absorbing the heat from his body. This must be what he felt like all those years with me. It’s kind of nice too, like my own little electric blanket, only much sexier. Ok, whoa Buffy, no thinking about Angel and sex when he’s in the condition he’s in. I snuggle against his chest and listen to his heartbeat. Tears flood my eyes.

Thump-thump thump-thump

God, that’s a wonderful sound. I would have given up anything in the world to hear that sound a year ago, when I was still human. I lay there curled in his arms, listening to the thud of a heart I thought I’d never hear beat and I cry for all the things I wanted and never got and for all the things we’ll never have.

-Angel-

They are finally letting me out of the hospital. I’ve been here for a week. Apparently human healing takes awhile. I had forgotten. I’m still sore. I have 15 stitches pulling together a deep gash on my collarbone, 10 stitches on my upper arm and 6 on my forehead. I haven’t looked at my reflection yet because I’m really not sure I want to see myself looking like this.

Wes comes to pick me up. I stare up at the bright sun with squinting eyes. I blink. I know I’m standing in the middle of the hospital parking lot but I can’t make myself move. I haven’t been out in the daylight since the Day that Wasn’t and really I was more concerned then with getting to my apartment with Buffy then I was with the sun.

“Angel, come on. I’ve left the top on the car down. You can stare at the sun the entire way home.” Wes says with a chuckle.

I sit down in the passenger seat and lean my head back. I close my eyes and relish the feel of the sun on my face. The warmth is a novel, wonderful feeling. Moonlight is never warm, no matter how warm the night is. How many dreams have I had of being in the sun like this? Hundreds of thousands, the only problem with this scenario, those dreams always included me out in the sun with Buffy. I choke back sudden tears. From this point on, I’ve only got 60 years or so to spend with her. It sounds like a lot, to a human. Just last week I was dreaming about all the ways I’d spend forever with her. 60 years doesn’t sound like very long in comparison does it?

“Wes, the shanshu prophecy, it doesn’t mention anything about this being more then a one shot deal, does it?” I ask.

Wes is quiet for a moment. I don’t think he’s going to answer me at first. “No, Angel. It seems to be pretty clear about being for the one vampire with a soul.”

“She’s got one too, Wes, and that’s my fault.”

“Angel, you couldn’t have known at the time that you would receive your Shanshu this early. There was no time indication on the prophecy. We couldn’t even be sure the prophecy would come to pass.” Wes says.

I know all this. We’ve been over it a dozen times. It was the reason I never told Buffy about shanshu before. There was no way to know if would happen during her lifetime. I hadn’t wanted her to spend her life waiting for something that might never happen.

Wes pulls the car up to the front door of the hotel and my first sunlit drive is entirely too short. My first thought is I’ll take Buffy out driving tomorrow, but I can’t. Now she’s the one that will burst into flame.

Fred and Gunn rush out to the courtyard to greet me.

“Man, you are one really white boy.” Gunn says.

I chuckle. “250 years of no sun will do that to you, plus the being dead.” I glance up. I can still feel her deep inside. It’s the same whispery tingly heart -beating –too- fast feeling. She’s standing in the shadows of the arbor. I walk to her and wrap my arms around her. She still feels like home. I take a deep breath of her. I can still smell vanilla and sunshine, but it doesn’t overwhelm all my senses. I miss that.

“I missed you, Baby.” I whisper.

She tilts her head up to me and cups my cheek with her hand, cold little hands. Her eyes fill with tears. “I missed you. The bed was so empty.”

I touch my lips to hers. She still makes the entire world disappear with just a touch. “Then let’s go make it not so empty.”

I wake up with a yawn and a stretch. Everything is still sore. I open my eyes. The room is dark, of course it’s dark. I feel like I’m half blind. I can’t see anything. Slowly my very human eyes adjust and I can see Buffy standing next to the window, looking out into the night sky. She’s wearing the shirt that she took off of me just a few hours ago. I pull on a pair of sweatpants and walk over to her. I wrap my arms around her and pull her back into my chest. I kiss the curve of her neck. She’s crying. I don’t say anything. I don’t have to ask what’s wrong. I know what’s wrong and there’s nothing I can do or say to make things better. Fate has taken another opportunity to screw with us.

I hold her and let her cry for a long time. Finally she looks up at me and the look in her eyes breaks my newly beating heart, which by the way doesn’t hurt any more then when she broke my un-beating heart.

“I’m sorry, Angel. I’m happy for you really. I want to watch you walk in the sun. I want to see you eat ice cream and chocolate. I want to fall asleep listening to your heart beat and your blood rush. I don’t mean to poo poo on your being human.”

How can I tell her that the reason I wanted to be human never had anything to do with sunlight or food or a beating heart. The only reason I ever wanted to be human was for her. I guess this is the epitome of be careful what you wish for.

Chapter Forty Four

-Buffy-

He’s been human a month. From the shadows of the arbor, I’ve watched him play in the sun like a little boy. He and Gunn put up a basketball goal. The Powers let him keep his vampiric strength and natural athleticism. Within a few hours, it looks like he’s been playing the game his whole life. His skin is permanently sunburned. I rub Aloe Vera gel on it every night and warn him against the dangers of skin cancer.

I watch him do everything. He loves food. He’s like a little kid every time he tries something new. He’s got a wicked sweet tooth. The pantry in the kitchen is stocked with treats that make Xander look like an amateur. To his credit, he does try and eat healthy in between the sweet tooth attacks. I’ve tried to get him to go to the beach. I want him to see how blue the ocean is with the sun shining on it. I’ve suggested he go to the park and play or take Fred, Gunn and Wes for a picnic. He refuses. He doesn’t say it but I know he wants to play in the sun in the courtyard, where I can watch him. He’s told me before that watching me in the sun, when I was human, was as close to walking in the sun as he got. I tried to talk to him about it at first, but it just turned into an argument so I’ve stopped making suggestions.

He slams the basketball into the hoop with a gleeful laugh. It’s a good sound. He and Gunn trade punches to the arm. He looks up and catches me watching him and this change comes over his face. It’s part love and part pain. The big ear to ear smile goes away and is replaced by that half grin, the one he always saved just for me. He drops the basketball and walks into the shadows to me. I wrap my arms around him and welcome him into the darkness.

I miss Willow so much. I know I could talk to her and she would be on my side. Willow would understand and always support me. She was always the only one I could talk to Angel about. She was my best friend, my Willow. I need her so much right now.

I watch Angel sleep. The rise and fall of his chest is hypnotic to me. He’s beginning to get a tan and I’m so pale next to him. I lightly trace my fingers over an old bruise on his ribs. We were training, sparring, and I hit him to hard. He’s still got the vampiric strength, but his healing is more like a human slayer. He heals but not like I do now, not like he did when he was a vamp. I’m more careful with him now. I pull my punches; I don’t use my preternatural speed. I hate to see the purple black bruises discoloring his beautiful skin. I brush a kiss across his lips. He smiles in his sleep. He sleeps so much more soundly now.

-Angel-

I reach over to her side of the bed. She’s not there. She always wakes up before me now. I guess even a super human needs more sleep then a vampire. I stretch. My muscles are slightly sore from playing basketball with Gunn the day before. I almost giggle a manly giggle though. It’s a novel to be sore after two and a half centuries as a vampire. I get up and jump in the shower. I have to be careful and test the water properly. The first time I took a shower after turning human, I jumped in without thinking and scalded myself.

I towel dry my hair and put some gel in it. My reflection still takes some getting used to and the hair, I’m just not so sure. I tried combing it down at first. Buffy ruffled her fingers through it and messed it up again. She swears this I got out of bed and can’t comb my hair because I don’t have a reflection look works for me. I turn away from the mirror to shave. If I watch myself I invariably cut myself. I’ve been shaving by touch so long that I can’t remember how to shave with a mirror.

I take the stairs two at a time. What to have for breakfast, eggs and bacon or Fruit Loops or Lucky Charms. I really want the Lucky Charms. I like the little marshmallows, but I know I should have the eggs and bacon with juice and toast. Buffy lectures me about a balanced breakfast and eating healthy. Her voice trembles when she adds that it will help me live longer. I eat as healthy as I can make myself. I can’t stand to hear that tremble.

Fred and Gunn are in the hotel lobby. I can see Wes closeted in his office. Giles went back to Sunnydale days after the battle.

“Where’s Buffy?” I ask.

“Morning, Boss.” Gunn says.

Fred shrugs. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen her today.”

I nod. “She’s probably in the training room.” I head down to the basement. Buffy has been spending a lot of time there, honing those brooding skills.

“Buffy?” I call from the foot of the steps. She doesn’t answer. I wander a bit further into the training room. She’s not here. I walk into the laundry room. She’s not there. I wander back into the training room. My glance catches sight of a book sitting in the leather chair I used for so much brooding. There’s a folded piece my heavy parchment paper sticking out of it. My stomach twists and I’m glad I didn’t eat breakfast.

The letter marks a poem by Alfred Austin.

Soul, heart and body, we thus singly name,

Are not in love divisible and distinct

But each with inseparably linked

One is not honor and the other shame

But burn as closely fused as fuel, heat and flame

They do not love who give the body and keep

The heart ungiven, nor they who yield the soul

And guard the body. Love doth give the whole.

It’s range being as high as Heaven, as ocean deep

Wide as the realms of air or planet’s curving sweep.

I sit down heavily in the chair and stare at the letter. I can imagine what it says and I don’t want to. I unfold it, tears already clouding my vision.

Angel,

I love you. It’s important you know that above all things. I’m sorry to do this like this, but I wasn’t sure I could do it if I woke up one more morning with you. I get it now. I know why you left me in Sunnydale all those years ago. You’ve got this wonderful chance for a normal life, a life you’ve wanted for two and half centuries. I can’t take that away from you. I love you too much. I want you to play in the sunlight. I want you to go to the beach. I want you to laugh and love. You should have children with someone who loves you. You would have the most beautiful children and you’d be an amazing father.

I will love you forever. That will never diminish with time or absence. I will love long after everyone and everything we know is gone. Our souls are one, remember.

Eternally yours,

Buffy

Chapter Forty Five

-Buffy-

I stand on Giles’ doorstep. It’s raining, a real downpour not one of those light drizzles. I take a deep breath and knock. He answers the door after only a moment. He’s drinking scotch, but not too much. I collapse in his arms with great heaving sobs.

“Buffy, oh dear.” He says and pats my back. I know Giles isn’t comfortable with me sobbing in his arms like this. There wasn’t anywhere else I wanted to go though. This would typically be Willow territory. After I’ve cried myself out, Giles sits me on the couch. He goes to the kitchen to make tea, leaving me with a box of Kleenex to collect myself. When he comes back with a tray I’m still sniffling and dripping but I have a little bit of control.

“Now tell me, what’s happened?” he says sitting next to me on the couch. At least he’s not afraid I’m going to burst into tears and drip all over him again.

I feel my control start to crumble and I take a deep breath. “I left Angel.”

Giles clucks softly to himself and hands me a cup of tea. “I was afraid of that.”

“He stays in the dark, sticks to the shadows, won’t go to the beach because I can’t go with him. I don’t want him to waste his life like that. He wanted to be human for so long. He needs to take advantage of it.” I say.

“Yes, well, I dare say he left you for the same reasons after the battle with the mayor.” Giles says.

“I know. I get that now. It still hurts so much. I don’t know how he survived it. Giles, I didn’t know a heart that doesn’t beat could break like this.” I’m sobbing again.

Giles lets me cry on his shoulder. “My dear, dear girl.” He says over and over again. He doesn’t tell me it’s going to be okay, because he knows it’s not. For the first time since Angel turned me, I am truly a dead thing.

I move back to the mansion on Crawford Street. I know Angel owns it, but it’s the only place I can think of to live. It’s already fixed up with the heavy black drapes. It’s got plenty of space. Most of all, it reminds me of Angel and it’s filled with memories of us. Dawn, Xander and Anya live in the house on Revello. Eventually, Dawn may move in with me. It really all depends on her. I’m not going to demand that anything that needs sunlight live in the dark with me. I haunt the rooms in the mansion more then I actually live in them. I read Angel’s books; I watch that huge TV and all the silly horror movies I bought. I buy a lot of romantic comedies to watch too, but only the ones with happy endings. You know the ones that lie to you and tell you love conquers all. It doesn’t. Angel and I are living proof of that. The only time I feel alive is when I’m slaying. I live and I see my friends but I don’t even try to keep up an illusion of happiness or doing okay. I did that after Angel left me. It’s too hard and really there’s no point. Giles, Xander and Dawnie all know that I’m hurting, that I will never stop hurting.

Xander, Anya and Dawn spend a lot of time at the mansion with me, watching movies and eating pizza. I don’t eat anymore. At one time it made me feel like part of the group. I’m not part of the group anymore. I’m a vampire, on the outside looking in, watching short, brief lives flicker and flit by.

It’s funny. I’m not mad at Angel or bitter. I don’t rage at him for turning me. I had a year and four months with him. We played house, we made love. I wouldn’t have had that time if he had let me die when I jumped into that portal. So no, I don’t hold that against him. It’s not like he would have turned human in my lifetime anyway. Fate likes to laugh at us for some reason.

I glance down at the book I’m reading. It’s Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare. God I wish we had it so easy. I wish Angel and my biggest problem was that our families didn’t get along. Hell we had that problem. I mean you think Mom liked it that I’m in love with a 250 year old vampire? You think Giles was happy to see me dating the demon that killed his lover. Only I couldn’t die over Angel and he wasn’t allowed to die for me. Our lives don’t belong to us, they never have. We’re champions of light, so we have to go on hurting and breaking apart inside. “Never was there a tale of more woe,” I whisper as I return the book to its shelf. Angel would be so surprised at me quoting Shakespeare. But it’s not like the latest harlequin romance makes good brooding material.

I light a fire in the fireplace and lean back against the stone. I let the warmth from the fire soak into my body. How many times have I seen Angel sit in this very position? I sigh. I don’t cry anymore though, I’m tired of crying. I’ve cried an ocean since I left Angel. Besides, I don’t need the red swollen eyes or sniffly red nose. Dawn is coming over after school. We’re going to the movies with Xander and Anya later. Life goes on, and I guess I do too.

-Angel-

She left me so I could go out in the sunlight. How familiar does that sound? I’ve found out through past experience, all your old sins come back on you. Gunn, Fred and Wes refuse to let me brood. Wes insists that if I must brood, I do it outside in the courtyard in the brilliant sun. So I sit there and draw sketches of Buffy. Buffy in bed, Buffy asleep, Buffy with clothes on, Buffy naked, Buffy in the sunshine, Buffy in the shadows, Buffy in vamp face, Buffy in human face, you get the picture.

I don’t understand how I’m supposed to live without her. Why would the Powers do this? We were happy together. For the first time in my existence living forever didn’t seem like a prison sentence. Maybe it’s just another way of inflicting suffering for them. Only this time, I’m not condemned to suffer for eternity.

Wes walks out to the courtyard and sits down on my bench. I barely look up from my sketch. I know this speech. We’ve had it before. Wes thinks if he uses different phrasing or says it often enough, it will make an impact.

“Angel, she didn’t want this when she left you. She wanted you to have a life she couldn’t give you.” He starts.

“I know that, Wes. I don’t want a life she can’t give me.” My voice is tight, my words are compact. I’m nearing the end of my patience with this speech.

“You left her once so that she could have a normal life. She’s being selfless and doing the same for you.” Wes says.

“I was wrong. If she hurt this much, it was wrong to leave.” I argue.

“Angel, the Powers rewarded you-“

“The Powers cursed me. They were jealous. People aren’t supposed to be as happy in this realm as Buffy and I were. People aren’t supposed to love that much. They were jealous and they knew she’d never stay under the circumstances.” I spat at him. My temper is rising steadily.

Wes bows his head. He starts to say something and then stops. He only nods and gets up and walks back in the hotel.

I’ve talked to Giles. I know she’s living in the mansion. I know she’s miserable but she’s doing okay. Giles says she’s doing a remarkable job with the slaying and he assures me she’s not being sloppy. She’s not trying to get herself staked. So I’m left with indecision. I don’t want to go to Sunnydale and turn everything upside down for her. I don’t want to hear her tell me to leave. I don’t want to hear her say words I said to her.

-“I want my life to be with you”-

-“I don’t.”-

So I stay here in LA. I help the hopeless. I take daytime cases now because I can. I still keep vampire hours, for the most part. I rarely leave the hotel unless it’s related to work. I’ve become even more of recluse then I was while I was a vampire, if that’s possible. I chastise myself for this on a regular basis. Buffy at least tried to go out and do the things I wanted her to do. She tried to have the life I wanted for her. It just didn’t work. Our lives apart don’t work any better then our lives together it seems.

I glance down at the pile of bills in front of me. In that stack, somewhere is the phone, electric and water bill for the mansion. It’s the only way I can take care of her now, the only way she’ll let me. I intend to keep on doing it. I pick up the phone. I want to call her. I want to hear her voice. I want to beg her to come back to me. I dial Giles’ number instead.

“Giles, its Angel. I’m just calling to check on her.” I say by way of greeting.

“She is- she’s alright. There’s been no change. I don’t expect there will be.” Giles says. I can see him taking his glasses off and cleaning them.

I sigh. “I’m thinking about coming up there.”

There’s a long pause. I can hear the clink of glass. “Angel, I don’t think that would be a good idea. It would open wounds that are just beginning to heal. If she were to change her mind, I’m certain you would be the first to know. She’s convinced this is the right thing to do. She loves you. She wants you to enjoy all that humanity entails. The best thing you can do is to honor her wishes.”

I nod and thank him and hang up the phone. There’s got to be a way around this. There’s got to be a way I can at least see her, be a part of her life. I remember a time I asked this same question, not long before I left Sunnydale.

-“There’s gotta be some way we can still see each other.”-

-“There is. Tell me that you don’t love me.”-

I couldn’t then. Could I now? If it meant I could be a part of her life, I don’t know. I know if I could somehow manage to choke the words out, they would be a lie. And even if Buffy believed me, at first, she’d see through the lie eventually. I can’t be near her and not touch her, not hold her, not kiss her. That last year in Sunnydale proved that. There’s got to be a way to fix this, some way to make her see reason, some one I can talk to.

You know that phrase “It hit me like a ton of bricks,” well it did. Not only have human senses left me half blind and half deaf, apparently they left me half brain dead too.

I pick up the phone and call Lorne.

“Lorne, its Angel. I need a favor.”

“Anything for you Honey buns.” Lorne croons.

I refrain from grumbling. I don’t know why Lorne insists on calling me pastries. “I need to talk to the Powers. I know the Oracles are dead but there’s got to be someone who can help.”

“Angel, sweetie, I know you were a warrior for the Powers, but that’s over. They just don’t see humans. “Lorne says.

“Do I sound like I care whether they want to see me or not?” I snap.

“Ok, okay, don’t get your knickers in a twist. That causes strokes you know. I’ll see what I can do.”

At this point, I don’t care if they turn me back into a vampire or not, I just want my life to be with Buffy.

Chapter Forty Six

-Angel-

I walk into Caritas. Lorne is cleaning up around the club. Everyone else has gone home. Lorne doesn’t look up at me. He’s been expecting my visit.

“Hello Sugarmuffin. “ Lorne sits down at the bar and indicates the seat next to him. I take the seat. He pours me an Irish whiskey and slides it in front of me.

“I’ve got some news, but it’s not good. The only way to talk to the Powers now days is to go straight to the source, no in betweens, no messengers. It takes a powerful lot of whammy to get you there, without dying and they may kill you anyway for having the audacity to try.” Lorne says.

“I don’t care, Lorne. I’m tired of fate screwing me and Buffy over. We earned the right to a life together, a happy life together, one not fraught with can’t have can’t do can’t want.” I take a sip of my whiskey and glance up at him.

“I’m going to agree with you there, but I’m not sure the Powers would.” Lorne says.

“I don’t give a flying fuck what the Powers think anymore, Lorne.” I throw my glass at the mirror and shatter the reflection I have come to hate in the past few weeks.

“Alright, Sweetcakes, I’ll do what I can, just don’t destroy my bar. Go home, sleep. You look like death warmed over, and since you’re not anymore, you shouldn’t.” Lorne pushes me out the door.

I drive home, trying to beat the dawn.

I wake up hours later and suck down a mug of coffee. I grab a stale jelly donut out of the box and in my mind I hear Buffy chide me about not eating healthy. I don’t care. Death would be a welcome release if this is what the rest of my human life is going to be like.

“Angel, are you okay?” Fred asks me timidly. I didn’t even hear her come down the stairs.

“I’m not dying, unfortunately.” I snap. I know I look bad. I haven’t shaved in several days. I haven’t showered in at least as many. I think my clothes are clean but I really can’t be sure.

“Okay, well, uhm if you need something that I can help you with just let me know cause I’ll help if I can.” Fred is backing out of the room as she speaks.

“Wait, Fred.” I snap to attention. She jumps a little. “Portals, you know about portals.”

Fred nods and looks at me wearily. I’m sure I look like a crazy man; in fact I’m pretty sure I am one at this point.

“Can you make a portal to whatever realm the Powers reside in?” I ask.

Fred wrinkles her brow and looks at me, stumped. “I-I don’t know. I mean no one knows what dimension the Powers are in. In fact, lots of people argue the Powers are in all the dimensions. I guess, I mean there must be a way because there used to be gate ways, but even the gateways never went directly to the Powers. I don’t know.”

“Will you look into it for me? Don’t try anything without talking to me. I just want to know if it can be done and how.” I say calmly.

“Sure. I’ll let you know if I find anything.” Fred said disappearing to her room to start my research. If there are physics to the Powers plane of existence, Fred will find it.

-Buffy-

I give chase after the slimy green demon that attacked the girl in Sunnydale City Park. I hate when they run. I mean come and face me like a man, demon something that doesn’t run. I’ve already killed his two friends tonight without much of a fight but then ever since-well let’s just say I’ve been Uberslayer lately.

I duck into the alley, right behind Slime Boy. I’ve been in this alley a hundred times. I grin. It’s a dead end. I slow down my pace and walk nonchalantly to the corner where the demon cowers. I could almost feel sorry for him, except he and his friends were planning on making a meal out of the girl in the park. I really wish I hadn’t left that dagger buried in slime demon number 2’s neck. I’ve got enough slime on me, thank you very much. I cast a glance around the alley. Of course someone had to clean this one recently. There’s not a nice long piece of metal or wood to be found. I snatch the stake out of the waistband of my pants. It looks like I’m going to have to get nice and close for this kill.

“Look, it’s late. I want a shower, next time you and your friends want to snack down, just avoid California all together, or at least Southern California.” I quip.

I step in close and am surprised at the ferocity with which Gook Demon comes from the corner. He slashes at me. I stumble back but one long slime covered talon scrapes across my sternum. I catch myself with my left hand before landing on my butt like a complete fool. I push up to my feet and keep my momentum going forward. I bury the stake in the demon’s throat, giving my front a fresh new coat of slime. I feel the tip of the stake scrape brick. The demon makes some scratchy, high pitched dying screams and then falls silent. I sit back on my haunches and glance around. I have two options. I can leave the body here and hope that by the time someone finds it, it will be so rotted that it doesn’t look like anything, or I can haul his slimy ass into the dumpster. I look down at my slime covered shirt and jeans. It’s really not going to get any worse.

I wipe the majority of the mire and gook off on my jeans and walk out of the alley back onto the deserted streets of Sunnydale. “Just doing my civic duty,” I mutter to myself as I make my way back to the mansion. I need hot, hot water and lots of soap.

Inside the bathroom I open a new box of Ivory. I hold the soap in my hands and take a deep whiff. Tears flood my eyes. It smells like him. I don’t know why I buy his soap. I have a truckload of the vanilla stuff. It just smells more like home if I use Ivory soap. I strip off my slimy clothes; everything goes into a trash bag including my bra and panties. There’s just no way to get that much slime out of something. I turn the water spigot to as hot as it will go and step inside the shower. I wince as I run the bar of soap over the fresh gash on my chest. It’s not a big. It’ll be closed up in no time. The shower stall goes wavy and I catch myself against the tile wall. Maybe a nice long shower isn’t in the cards. The dizziness clears up momentarily. I quickly wash my hair and step out of the shower. I wrap up in a fluffy blue robe and light a small fire in the fireplace. I don’t feel like getting into bed alone right now. I snuggle up on the couch with my blanket, my robe and my Romeo and Juliet. I had vowed to only read or watch love stories with happy endings. Have you chronicled my history with Angel? This is a happy ending to me.

I haven’t been reading very long when the words on the page blur. I drop the book and hear the spine crack. I wince inwardly, knowing Angel that was a first edition signed by Shakespeare himself. I struggle to get to my feet. I feel like I’m bundled in cotton. I sway and the room goes wavy again. Ok something is so obviously not right here. I lean against the wall for support and stumble walk to the phone. I pick it up and dial Giles number.

“Giles, something’s wrong with me. I’m at the mansion.” The floor rises up to swallow me and I let it.

I wake up to Dawn sponging my head with a wet cloth. She smiles at me. I’m tucked into the bed. I can feel my blood boiling. I’m hot and cold at the same time. I shiver involuntarily. My voice comes out much weaker then I think it should. “Dawnie,”

She nods. “Giles, Xander and Anya are trying to figure out what’s up. I’m going to go tell them you’re awake.” She leaves the room. I hear her say I’m awake.

Giles comes in the room shortly. He leans over me and places a palm against my forehead. “ Buffy, are you okay? Your skin feels hot. Where did you get the cut?” He gestures to my chest. Gee twenty questions much Giles? I reach up and lay my hand on my sternum. I probe the gash there with my fingers. It stings. It feels angry and red and not healing.

“Slime demons, attacked a girl in the park. One of them ran and I chased it. I cornered it and it got me with these talon claw things I didn’t realize it had.”

Giles hmms over this new information, “Well, then I’ll go research and if I find anything I’ll let you know. Don’t hesitate to call if you need anything.” He leaves the room quietly

He doesn’t speak until he’s out in the main room. He forgets I can still hear most of what they say with my vampy senses.

“I’m afraid it’s poison, although I’m not sure what kind. She mentioned a slime demon of some sort.” Giles says.

“So if it’s poison, it’s not a deal right? I mean it can’t kill her like Faith almost did Deadboy?” Xander asks.

“He’s human, Xander. You will have to stop calling him that sometime and I would think the poison would just run its course. Most likely she’ll be up and around within a few hours, by tomorrow evening at the latest. I’d still like to see what we can find on slime demon’s that poison.” Giles says. I can hear the concern in his voice and it worries me a little. I’m a vampire. I can’t die from poison. I mean there are rules people have to abide by, sunlight, stake through the heart, beheading, fire. See; poison not one of the rules. I drift off back into unconsciousness before I hear anymore of their research conversation.

I open my eyes again. They feel crusty. Willow is sitting on the bed smiling at me. I smile back at her. “Will, where did you go? I missed you.” I croak.

Willow shakes her head. The room goes wavy and she’s gone. It’s Dawn sitting on the bed. She’s looking at me with a confused expression. I smile at her.

“Hey, Dawnie, Willow was here.” I say.

“Buffy,” Dawn’s eyes widen. She dips a rag in a bowl of water and dabs my forehead with it. “Are you okay?” Her voice has that shaky quality she sometimes gets when she’s scared and pretending to be brave.

I nod. “Just a little woozy. You heard Giles earlier. It will run its course and I’ll be as good as new in a few hours.”

Dawn bites her lower lip and tears spring to her eyes. “Buffy, that was two days ago.”

Chapter Forty Seven

-Angel-

I’m sitting down in the training room in my brooding chair. Wes has quit trying to make me sit out in the sun. I’m reading the book of poems Buffy left her letter in. Fred walks down the stairs. She’s got papers in her hand.

“Angel, I think I might have come up with something.” She sounds distracted.

“Huh?” I glance up from my book.

“The portals you wanted me to check into a couple of days ago. I think I might have found something. I’ve been running the numbers and facts in my computer trying to make it make sense and it does now, sort of. I think maybe I can figure out where and how to open it exactly. I’m going to have to have some help from Lorne. It sort of requires a direct connection to the Powers that Be. What do you wanna talk to the Powers for anyway?” She says.

I close my book and sit it on the table to my right. “I want to see if they’ll turn me back.”

“Back? You mean to a vampire?” Fred looks at me incredulously.

I nod. I don’t expect anyone to understand.

“But, the sun and food, you can eat tacos now and really taste them. What about the Shanshu prophecy, I mean you can’t just take back a prophecy can you?” Fred says, her voice pitching at the end.

I shrug. “It’s not taking it back. Shanshu happened and if I become a vampire again, I will die.”

“Angel, the only person who knew how to do the soul spell is dead.” Fred says.

“It’s a spell. The same person who opens the portal for me can do the spell. Besides I’m going to ask the Powers to keep the soul when they turn me.” I say.

“This is for her, isn’t it?” Fred’s voice is quiet and awe struck. She doesn’t have to specify which her, there’s only one her it could ever be for.

I nod. “I don’t want to live without her, Fred. I can’t.” My voice sounds broken and it’s appropriate because I’m broken.

I’m sitting in Caritas sipping at an Irish whiskey. I should be more careful. I’m not sure going to see the Powers drunk is a good idea. Fred sits beside me leafing through her books. Her glasses are perched on the end of her nose.

“I don’t know, Angel. I mean what if I mess up and this portal doesn’t send you to the Powers. What if you end up somewhere like Hell?” Fred asks pushing her glasses up on her nose.

I shrug. “I forgave Buffy for sending me to Hell. I’d forgive you.”

“What? Buffy sent you to Hell hell, not like Pylea Hell but the real thing?” Fred looks at me completely befuddled.

“It was the real Hell with the torture, the fire, the brimstone, the demons, the eternal agony.” I say nonplussed.

“Why? How’d you get back?” Fred squeaks.

“I was trying to suck the entire world into Hell. I was evil. Then Willow did the curse and I wasn’t evil but the world was still being sucked into Hell, so Buffy had to send me instead. And as far as coming back, I’m sort of unclear on that. Maybe the Powers needed another lapdog or maybe Buffy’s love brought me back.”

“And I thought I had past relationship problems.” Fred says.

I drain my whiskey and motion to the bartender for another. It takes Lorne an inordinate amount of time to shuffle everyone out of the club, or at least it seems that way to me. When everyone is finally gone, Lorne sits down at the table with us.

“Are you still hell bent on doing this, Angelcakes?” he asks.

“Yes.” I answer simply.

“You know they might just kill you for having the gall to do such a thing.” He warns.

“I don’t care. I’m going to find a way to do this. You can help me or not.” I level a steady gaze at Lorne and Fred.

“We’re helping, we’re helping, and we’d just like to see you live through this Sugarplum.” Lorne says.

“That’s not even the point, Lorne.”

-Buffy-

I drift in and out. I see people that aren’t here anymore like Willow, Mom, my cousin, Celia and for some reason, Spike. They never say anything just come sit on the bed or pace the floor. I don’t know what it means, maybe that I’m dying. Giles can’t figure out why the poison hasn’t run its course. It’s been three days now. The gash on my chest is still angry red and pus-y..

Giles comes in to check on me. We both know it’s only a matter time. He sits down on the edge of the bed with me and smiles but it never reaches his eyes.

“Hey,” I say. My voice sounds hollow and echo-y.

“We’re still looking into things, Buffy. I haven’t heard from the watchers council yet, but I have hope.” He says trying to appear cheerful.

I chuckle. It turns into a cough. “Giles, we both know their stance on vampires. This is a re-run and this time, no mystical blood or potion to save me.”

“Buffy, we’ll find something.”

I shake my head. “Its okay, Giles, I’m ready. Slayers aren’t supposed to live very long and I should have died last year when I jumped into that portal.”

“Buffy, I’m going to call Angel. I know you left him but I also know what you both mean to each other, if this is-he would want to be here.” Giles says.

My eyes tear up, not at the thought of dying. I really am okay with that. I know Angel won’t be and I hate it when he hurts. I nod at Giles. I listen as he walks in the other room and places the call.

“Yes, this is Giles, in Sunnydale. Yes, well there’s a problem of sorts here. Yes, Buffy is rather ill; I think it would be wise of him to get here as soon as possible. Yes, please do. Thank you.”

He pokes his head back into the room. “He’s out of the office but I gave Wes the message. He’ll let him know as soon as possible.”

“Thank you, Giles.” I say.

Giles nods and slips into the other room, closing the door behind him.

-Angel-

I land hard on the stone floor. Lorne’s portal had to open in the ceiling of where ever I am. I roll to my feet with a groan. Human constitution just isn’t what vampire constitution is. Everything hurts more. I look around the empty cavern. Maybe Lorne sent me to the wrong place.

“Hello?” I shout to the emptiness. The sound echoes back at me.

“Mortal.” The room reverberates with the sound.

I glance around but can see nothing. “So you noticed.”

“How dare you disturb us.”

“I did dare. I’ve got something to take up with you.” I shout at the ceiling. I don’t know why but that seems the most reasonable point of the room to shout to.

“Something to take up with us?” the voice asks.

“I want you to turn me back to what I was. I don’t want shanshu.” I say.

“This is because of the Slayer.”

“It doesn’t matter why. I don’t want my shanshu. Take it back.” I shout.

“She’s dying.” The voice says.

I recoil, my knees buckle and I fall to the stone floor. “No, she can’t die. She’s immortal. I made her immortal.”

“She’s been poisoned. There’s no known cure for her. Eventually her body will waste away, the demon will give up and she will turn to dust.”

“Save her. I know it’s within your power to do so.” I scream.

“Foolish mortal, you do not even know what you wish. First you demand to be returned to what you were, and then you demand that we save this girl that has already long ago served our purposes. Perhaps next you will ask that we put the sun out so that you can be with her without the guilt.”

“You owe us this. Between the two of us we have saved your world more times then I can count. She’s died twice for you and she’s still standing. Why did you even bring us together? Was it fun to see how many ways we could hurt each other? How many ways our hearts could break? I’m tired of being your fucking puppet!” I scream.

I’m rewarded for my insolence. An invisible hand tosses me against the sharp stone wall. I feel the edges of rock cutting into my back as I slide to the floor.

“How dare you speak to us in such ways.” The voice reverberates through the cavern.

“We’ve already gone over the I dare thing. I want you to make this right. I know you can. Take back time, fold it, swallow it I don’t care how you do it. Make it right. She and I should be together.” I crawl slowly to my feet.

“We gave you your chance to make things right. We allowed you to become human. You gave up that humanity. It is not our fault you are a foolish mortal.”

“She was going to die!” I scream to the emptiness.

“She is the Slayer that is her destiny.”

“She’s a person, a person who likes crunchy peanut butter and chocolate, who likes shopping and these ridiculous shoes, a person who likes ice cream, she hates to wake up in the morning, she has this stuffed pig she sleeps with named Mr. Gordo, she can’t stand math or history. She wears the oddest pajamas and smells like vanilla. She’s a person, not a weapon in a never ending battle. Yes she’s a slayer; she’s so much more then that though.” Tears spill down my cheeks. I don’t know why I thought they’d listen.

There is silence. I guess they got tired of my tirade. There are no walls or doors in this room. I’m not sure how I’m going to get out.

“We underestimated her heart.” A voice booms out. This one is deeper, bigger somehow then the other one was. “We knew you would fall in love with her. You could not help yourself. We did not realize she would fall in love with you.”

“We’re one soul. How could we stay away from each other?” I ask quietly.

“That was a mistake. We needed a strong soul to make hers. She was to be the greatest Slayer in history. An ordinary soul would not have been enough. It would have broken and shattered.” The voice says.

“So make your mistake right. She can still be the greatest Slayer in history. I can help her. Together we’re strong, apart we’re dead.” I echo the Mohra demons words back to the cavern.

“Take this to her.” A blue glass bottle with a silver stopper appears from no where and hovers in the center of the room. I reach out to take the bottle and a flash of white light knocks me on my back.

I blink. Lorne and Fred are standing over me. I turn my head to the right and gripped tightly in my hand is a blue glass bottle.

Chapter Forty Eight

-Angel-

The advantage to being human is I don’t have to wait until night to drive up to Sunnydale. I get there mid morning and drive straight to the mansion. I run through the courtyard and burst into the main room like I’m running from the daylight.

“Where’s Buffy?” I ask breathlessly.

Giles looks at me with resignation in his eyes. “She’s in the bedroom. Angel, she’s not conscious. I think she’s slipped into a coma, it’s only a matter of time now.”

“No, it’s not. I need a knife or a dagger, something.” I look around the room frantically. Buffy has moved and changed everything around. I see her weapons chest in the corner. Inside there’s an array of swords, daggers, maces and axes. I take out the dagger that she stabbed Faith with, for me. Somehow it seems right.

She’s lying so still and pale on the bed. A sheen of sweat covers her skin and it’s hot to touch. She’s burning up with fever. I take her right hand in mine and turn it palm up. I place a kiss there, an apology. I draw the sharp edge of the dagger’s blade across her palm. The blood wells up crimson against moonlight pale skin. I measure careful drops of the silvery green liquid from the glass bottle into the cut. It swirls with a life of its own there on her palm before mixing with her blood and flowing into her veins.

She is shot through with silver light. The poison is purged from her body. Her skin takes on a healthy pink tint. I watch as the gash on her chest and palm heals instantly. Her eyelids flutter and open. She squints, trying to focus on me. I stand up and pull the curtains in the room apart. She cowers from the sunlight, covering her eyes with her hands. It takes a few moments to realize she’s not bursting into flame.

“Angel,” She peeks at me through her fingers.

I slide into the bed next to her. “I’m here, Buffy. I’m never leaving, not even if you want me too.”

She touches her chest and looks up questioningly into my eyes. “What did you do?”

“It was nothing. I just had to find a portal to the dimension the Powers hang out in. Then there was the matter of convincing them to get off their immortal asses and do something, like give me a bottle of Mohra demon blood.” I smile at her.

She swallows thickly, tears in her eyes. “You went to see the Powers for me?”

“Buffy, I went to Hell for you, what makes you think I wouldn’t go to the Powers if that’s what had to be done.” I take her hand and place it against my cheek, hot little hands, just like they should be. I can not help the tears that sting my eyes. “You need to sleep, Baby.” I kiss her forehead.

“Stay with me?” she asks in her little girl voice.

“Always.”

-Buffy-

I wake up in inches, not sure if I want to or not. I crack open my eyes. The bed is empty. I feel a knot start in my throat. It was dream, a hallucination caused by the poison, which I guess finally ran its course. I roll over with a sigh. I slide my feet into fluffy pig slippers and run fingers through my sleep mussed hair. I yawn and trudge into the main room of the house. Giles and Xander are both asleep on the couch. The door to one of the spare rooms is open. I can see Dawn lying on the bed. I sneak into the kitchen, careful not to wake anyone, and run smack into Angel’s chest.

“Oh God,” I cover my mouth and look up into those soulful eyes I love so much. I take a deep breath and notice for the first time, I’m breathing, not because it’s habit, because I have to.

Angel smiles down at me.

“It wasn’t a dream?” I squeak.

He shakes his head. “It wasn’t a dream.” He tangles his fingers in my hair and pulls me close for a kiss. I devour his mouth. I can’t help it. I’ve spent too many weeks missing this, wishing and praying for this. I can feel his heart thud under my hand. He pulls away gasping for breath.

“You’re human, I’m human, this has got to be a dream, Angel.” I whisper through my tears.

“Then it’s one we don’t ever have to wake up from.” He rests his forehead against mine. Our noses touch and his lips are a breath away. He takes my hand in his and slips something cool and round on the third finger of my left hand. “Promise me, we’ll never wake up.”

“I promise.” I say as I glance down at the silver claddagh ring on my finger. I stand on tip toe, winding my fingers in his hair, and catch his bottom lip in my teeth. He responds instantly, bending over a bit and slipping his tongue inside my mouth. I tug on his hair just a little, pulling him deeper into the kiss. Fire slips up my spine and explodes every single nerve ending I have. He slides his hand to the small of my back and pulls me closer. His other hand slips to the buttons of my pajama top. His fingers brush the top of my breast. I am jerked back to reality.

“Wait a minute, did you just ask me to marry you?” I ask.

He grins and his eyes sparkle. “That’s not a problem is it?”

“Oh, no, not a problem at all. In fact we have a lot of things to discuss, in the bedroom.” I grin wickedly at him and hook my fingers in the front waistband of his pants. I tug him through the main room of the mansion and into the bedroom, soundly closing the door behind us.

I guess Giles, Xander and Dawn got tired of waiting for me and Angel to come out of the bedroom, because when we finally did, they were all gone. I’m starving and I know Angel is too because I heard his stomach growling. We take a shower that was supposed to be quick but sort of turned out not. There’s a strong possibility that Giles could find Angel and I weeks from now starved to death still wrapped around each other because we didn’t want to leave the house. I’m almost afraid to, if that makes sense. I know this dream exists in this house, but what about when we go into the world beyond?

Angel and I drive his car Main Street. There’s a burger place there that makes these great old fashioned greasy burgers. We order cheeseburgers, fries and cokes. I frown at Angel as we sit down in a booth. The sun is coming through the big plate glass window.

“You’ve lost weight, too much of it, since the last time I saw you.” I say.

“Yeah, I also need to call Wes, Gunn and Fred and make sure I have some actual friends left after the way I treated them. I don’t function well without you.” He says reaching across the table and taking my hands in his.

“Tell me it’s real one more time. You’re human, I’m human, there’s no curse, no can’t go out in the sunlight, no can’t have kids, no can’t get married, no more creature of the night elements. This is really real, right?” I say.

“It’s really real. There are no more can’ts in our relationship, no more creature of the night elements. The only mythological element to our relationship anymore is that I’m pretty sure even the myths couldn’t come up with a love like this.” Angel says.

I watch Angel eat with a pure joy that I couldn’t appreciate before. He savors every single bite. I lazily dip one of my fries into a pool of ketchup and watch him take a huge bite out of his cheeseburger. I smile at him.

“I love food.” He says.

I giggle. “Food is good. Eating food with you is really good. Which leads me to the though, eating food on you…” I grin wickedly at him.

We both plow through what’s left of our burgers and fries and head for the grocery store. We end up with a pile of food like pizza rolls and hot pockets and snack cakes, chips, cokes, juice, ice cream and macaroni and cheese. I hold aloft a bottle of chocolate syrup, the kind you pour over ice cream. I wiggle it in front of Angel’s face.

“This would be good with a side of Angel.” I tease.

He growls and pulls me into his embrace. His mouth crushes mine. His kiss is naked with want and need. He sucks on my bottom lip and I moan. He shoves back against the shelves, taking bites of my neck with blunt teeth. He suckles at the scar on my neck, the scar he put there. I slide one leg between his legs and wrap the other around his leg. There’s a sound of breaking glass. We both jump apart. We’re surrounded by bottles of chocolate syrup and broken jars of maraschino cherries. I can’t help the laughter that overtakes me. It brings tears to my eyes and I have to double over at the waist to catch my breath. Angel is laughing right beside me. I pick up a bottle of chocolate syrup and put it in our basket. I give him a chaste, quick kiss on the lips.

“You go get in line. I’m going to get the whipped cream.”

Chapter Forty Nine

-Buffy-

I look in the full length mirror again, thankful I can see my reflection. I smooth down the bodice of my dress. “Are you sure I look alright, Dawnie?” I ask my little sister, who is fussing with her own dress across the tent.

Dawn turns to me. She is lovely and so grown up in an ice pale pink dress. “Buffy, you’re gorgeous, really. I don’t think I have ever seen you look this pretty.”

I cautiously touch the tumble of curls gathered at the crown of my head. “Well, if I’m not, there’s not much else I can do about it. I wish Willow was here.” I struggle against the tears that well up.

Dawn hugs me. “Somewhere, she’s watching.” She whispers.

I know she’s right. I dab at my eyes with a Kleenex. I don’t want to be weepy and smeary. “Pinch me.” I say.

“Huh?” Dawn says.

“Pinch me. I’ve dreamed this too often, I want to make sure I’m awake.” I offer my arm up to her.

Dawn takes a good amount of the flesh on my bicep and twists it. I shriek. “Ow! Brat!” I yell with a giggle. She darts out of the way of my smack and I give chase. We end up in a pile on the big wingback chair.

“You did say pinch.” Dawn says.

“Yeah, pinch not bruise.” I stick my tongue out at her.

“You’re the slayer you don’t bruise unless my key powers have suddenly started to include Hulk strength, which hey would be cool.” Dawn glances at her watch. “Oooo come on, you got a Muffin waiting for you outside.”

I stand up with a huge smile on my face. “Yeah, blueberry with lots of the crunchy munchy stuff on top.”

I follow Dawn out of the tent. I can’t seem him at first because of the way the tent is positioned in a little cove. The sand is warm between my bare, freshly painted toes. I can feel him though. It’s that same whispery frantic beating inside my rib cage, like moths beating against a light bulb, only nicer and not gross. Me and Angel being able to feel each other inside never had anything to do with him being a vampire or me being a slayer. It was about one soul recognizing it’s other half.

When I do see him, my mouth goes cotton dry. He’s wearing a white button down with the first two buttons undone and a black jacket. The tails of the shirt are untucked and flop over his black slacks. He is barefoot.

Giles takes my arm at the top of the aisle. He links it through his and smiles at me. “You realize, it’s not too late to take off running. You’re sure you’re ready?”

My eyes never leave Angel. Somehow he has made all our friends, the ocean; the sun and the sky disappear, leaving only me and him. “Giles, all those years ago when I was called, they got it wrong, he’s my destiny.”

-Angel-

I wiggle my toes in the sand. Wes stands with me. He’s been here with me for hours, since mid afternoon. I couldn’t wait.

“How much longer, Wes?”

“Ten minutes, which is exactly two minutes less then the last time you asked me.” Wes says patiently.

“Sorry. I’m nervous.” I scuff my bare foot in the sand.

“You love her that much is obvious to everyone that meets you. She adores you. As long as I’ve known you, this is what you have wanted, Angel. There’s nothing to be nervous about.”

“Nothing to be nervous about? I’m human now. This breathing thing is still new to me. What if I see her and I forget to breathe? I’ll pass out and ruin her day.” I shove my hands in my pockets.

Wes chuckles. “I’ll remind you to breathe.”

I take a deep breath. The sun is just beginning to set. There is firewood for a large bonfire along with beach chairs set up to the left. There is a long table with a traditional wedding cake on it. There are sketches of Willow, Joyce and Tara that I did at Buffy’s request. She wanted us to remember that we’re here because Tara and Willow saved the world, and our lives, by giving their own. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see the minister walking through the sand to the beach. I smile. He is barefoot too.

“Hello, Father.” I shake his hand.

“Angel, it’s going to be a beautiful sunset for a wedding.” The minister says.

I nod. “It is.” I turn toward the ocean to watch the sun just beginning to set over it. I am somehow startled when the bridal march begins to play. I turn around and am completely swept by her.

She’s always beautiful. She is angelic right now. The sun glints off her golden hair and turns it red gold. She’s wearing a white dress with ribbon straps. The bodice of the dress fits snugly and accentuates her curves. The skirt of the dress is full and just brushes the sand. I can see her freshly painted pink toenails peeking out as she walks. And the smile on her face, have I mentioned I love Buffy’s smile. I love the way it lights her up from within, the way it changes her whole face and makes her eyes sparkle.

Wes leans over to me and whispers, “Breathe.”

I take a deep breath.

The minister is talking. I know I should be listening but I can’t she’s thisclose and I’m holding her hands in mine. She’s trembling. I lean forward and gently kiss her lips. She closes her eyes and leans into the kiss. I bring her hand up to my cheek. The minister clears his throat. I look up, truly surprised to see him there and then blush. Everyone standing around us chuckles.

“As I was saying, we are here to celebrate the union of Angel and Buffy.”

The bonfire is roaring. Fred and Gunn are making smores. Xander, Anya, Buffy and Dawn are dancing in front of the fire. I watch as she laughs and the sound washes over me. Have I mentioned lately that she’s amazing? I remember something Wes told me once. 99.9% to the infinite of relationships settle with almost perfectly happy. Buffy and I get to have that .0 to the infinite 1 %. Just watching her is pure bliss and when she touches me, there aren’t words for the happiness she brings me. She notices me watching her and walks to me. She offers her hand and I take it, pulling her down into the sand with me. I kiss her neck, loving the feel of her pulse against my lips. Becoming human didn’t change the fascination I have with Buffy’s neck. She closes her eyes and moans softly, a slow smile spreads across her face.

“You know, there’s a tent with a big lonely bed in it just up the beach there.” She purrs.

“Hmm, I seem to remember that.” I stand, pulling her with me and sweep her up in my arms. Her mouth finds mine. I get lost in Buffy’s kisses. They are everything she is, tender, sweet, passionate, strong and mine. I trip, stumbling over a rock. We both land in the sand laughing.

“Everyone okay over there?” Xander yells from a distance.

“Fine. Angel just can’t walk and kiss me at the same time.” Buffy yells back.

She gets to her feet and holds out a hand to help me up. “Race you there.” She takes off in a sprint.

“Do not cross that threshold!” I yell after her and take off running.

I catch up to her and she’s standing in front of the tent with a sexy smile on her face. I nuzzle her neck and growl, nipping at her pulse with my blunt teeth, the only teeth I have these days. I catch her up in my arms and step through the tent flap.

Dawn did a wonderful job. There are lit candles everywhere. The bed and surrounding sand are covered in pale pink rose petals. I wanted to fulfill every girlish fantasy she might ever have had on our wedding night. There is a bottle of champagne in ice next to the bed. I set Buffy on her feet. She looks around and then up at me with tears in her eyes.

“How do you do that?” she asks.

“What?”

“Make everything better then anything I ever dreamed.”

I don’t answer her. I can’t. It hits me full force, she’s my wife, mine for all eternity. I slide my fingers across her satin smooth shoulders, slipping the satin straps off. She reaches behind her to unzip her dress. I stop her.

“I want to. “ My voice is a husky whisper filled with desire and love. I close my eyes, trying to absorb this moment into myself. I want to keep it forever.

“Open your eyes, Angel. I’m not going to disappear like smoke.” She whispers.

“Pinch me.” I say with a smile.

Chapter Fifty

18 months after the wedding

-Buffy-

The sun streams through the sheer curtains and washes our bed in sunlight. I wake up before him and lay there watching him sleep. He is lying on his stomach snoring lightly. His skin is tanned a golden brown. His hair has little highlights in it from being out in the sun so much. I trace the gryphon tattoo on his back with the tips of my fingers. He wakes up slowly, neither of us are morning people, even now. He reaches out to touch me before opening his eyes. A slow, sleepy smile spreads over his face when his hand comes in contact with my skin. He opens his chocolate brown eyes halfway. I smile at him. I love our morning waking up ritual. His hand slides to my belly.

“Morning, Baby.” He leans over and kisses my very pregnant belly.

I giggle and turn my best pretend pout on. “You say good morning to the baby before you do me and you know, at one time you called me Baby.”

Angel laughs and pulls me closer to him. He brushes my lips with his. “Good morning and I think I’m going to have to come up with a new name for you.”

“But I like Baby.” I’m going for petulant; it doesn’t work as well when I’m fighting giggles.

“I was thinking, Paradise.” He says, applying gentle pressure to my mouth.

I wrap my arms around his shoulders. “Paradise, I could handle that.” I purr. He snuggles me as close to him as he can get me with this huge belly of mine. The baby takes that moment to make himself or herself known, and kicks Angel. He laughs. I will never ever get tired of that sound. One of Angel’s hands drops to my belly. I know the baby can sense him because it always quiets down when Angel touches my stomach. Apparently it’s as fascinated by its father as I am.

“You realize we have everyone showing up here in a few hours.” I say, hating to ruin the moment, or disrupt our ritual.

“I know and I still have to mow the lawn and make sure there’s enough coal for the fire.” Angel says in between kisses.

“It’s called charcoal and a bar-b-que grill, Angel.” I remind him.

“Hmmm, whatever, I don’t remember there being this much talking during our morning ritual, unless you count multiple Oh God, Angel.”

I smack him lightly on the shoulder and surrender to our morning ritual.

I hear a car door slam and I know the first of our guests have arrived. I clasp Angel’s silver cross around my neck and go to answer the door.

“Dawnie! Xander and Anya are here.” I yell. The sound echoes through the big old mansion. We still live here but Angel and I have done a lot to it. The mansion isn’t that creepy place on Crawford Street anymore. It’s one of the most beautiful homes in Sunnydale. Dawnie lives here with us. Her friends all love the place and I like to listen to them drool over Dawn’s “totally hot brother-in-law.” It really doesn’t seem possible that I was ever that young.

Angel is out in the courtyard starting the grill. I open the front door. Xander, Anya and their four month old baby girl, Willow, are coming up the walk.

“Hello, Buffster. We come bearing gifts of food.” Xander says pecking me on the cheek.

“Just put it in the kitchen.” I say. I take the baby from Anya. She’s so tiny and I’m having a hard time believing I’m going to have one of these in less then a month.

“You look enormous.” Anya says.

I laugh. “I know. I can’t see my feet anymore. I’ve only got a couple of weeks to go though.”

Anya and I go into the kitchen. Dawn runs out to the courtyard and tackles Xander. He comes in moments later to get little Willow. I watch Angel through the window. He takes the baby from Xander. He coos and laughs at her. She’s incredibly little in his arms. I feel tears come to my eyes. He’s going to be a great father. My potential sob fest is interrupted by the arrival of Fred and Wesley.

It seems after Angel and I made everything official, everyone else decided it was the thing to do. Anya and Xander went to Las Vegas the very next weekend and got married by Elvis. Wes and Fred finally got a clue and realized they completely belong together. They just got married six months ago. Gunn even has a girlfriend. He’s supposed to be bringing her to meet us today. Wes, Fred, Gunn and Lorne still run Angel investigations in LA. If they get into anything to big, they give us a call, although Angel has been refusing to let me slay since I got pregnant. I’d never tell him this, but I love the over protectiveness and the extra attention he piles on me.

Anya is prattling on about something, probably her sex life with Xander. I’m slicing tomatoes and trying not to dissolve into tears over how perfect my life is. I think it’s a hormone thing. Angel sneaks up behind me and wraps his arms as far around my non existent waist as he can. He turns me around to face him and kisses my tear stained cheeks. Our connection has never been weakened by turning human. I still feel his pain, his happiness, his love and obviously he still feels mine.

“Why the tears?” He asks in a whisper.

“Our life is so perfect. The year I turned seventeen, I spent hours crying because I didn’t think I’d ever get this with you and now I’ve got it and it’s so perfect and so beautiful and I want to go back in time and tell my old self not to cry that everything is going to be okay in the end.” I manage to say between sobs.

Angel kisses me. His lips taste salty, like my tears.

-Angel-

It’s almost dark now. Everyone is full on hamburgers, hot dogs and brownies. Baby Willow is asleep in her play pen. Dawn’s boyfriend, Daniel, who Buffy happens to hate, keeps stealing looks at Lorne. We told him Lorne had a serious skin condition that he didn’t like to talk about. In any other city, I’d never try that. Someone would see through it. Sunnydale is raised on denial though. I have no doubt Daniel will buy it. Buffy swears it’s because he’s “brain trust boy”. I tell her he can’t be that dumb, he’s going out with Dawn. Secretly, whenever Daniel comes to pick Dawn up for dates, I tell him stories about Angelus. I edit most of the gorier parts, but I’m sure they are still sufficient to keep Daniel in line when it comes to Dawn.

Lorne is talking to Dawn and Daniel. I made him promise to get the boy to at least hum something. I hope if Lorne says he’s not evil it will give Buffy a little bit of peace.

My gorgeous wife nudges open the French doors with her foot. I jump up and take the full tea tray from her. She says I’m overprotective. She doesn’t understand. She is responsible for my entire world right now. I have a right to be overprotective. We both worked so hard to get the world we have. I’m never letting it get taken away.

I set the tea tray on a table and let everyone make their own cup of tea. Buffy settles in my lap. Even pregnant, she’s still tiny, regardless of what Anya says. She’s just jealous. Anya was a whale two weeks before Willow was born. I rest my hand on her belly. I kiss her forehead and then dip down to kiss her belly. The baby wiggles in response. This elicits a giggle from Buffy.

Silence falls over the courtyard as Sunnydale’s Community Fire Works display starts. It has been a great Fourth of July. My mind drifts back to the words Buffy said in the kitchen, amidst her tears. What if I could go back and tell that hopeless creature that stood on the hill behind this house, waiting for the sun, that everything would be ok in the end? Would it have made a difference? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter any more. All that matters is that everything is more then okay in the end. Buffy and I make beautiful endings.