Title:  The Burdens We Bear

Summary:  In season 3 of Angel there is an episode called Birthday. In it Skip shows Cordelia what would happen to Angel if he had been given the visions instead of her. That’s the inspiration for this story. Cordy is not here. She never ran into Angel in LA. She never started working for him. She’s off trying to start her acting career.

 

Disclaimer: Don’t own them. Joss and Mutant Enemy get that right. I just take them out and play with them.

 

 

Chapter Two     Chapter Three     Chapter Four     Chapter Five    Chapter Six     Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight     Chapter Nine     Chapter Ten     Chapter Eleven     Chapter Twelve    Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen     Chapter Fifteen

 

Chapter One

 

November 1999

 

 

 

            Doyle put his hand on Angel’s shoulder and leaned forward to whisper something to him. “The good fight yeah? Never know ‘til you’ve been tested- I get that now.”

 

            A silver blue light swirled near Angel’s ear and then dissipated. Doyle hauled back and caught Angel in the jaw with a hard right. Angel fell down into the cargo hold.  Doyle jumped to the platform the light beacon swung on. He grabbed onto the cable and strained to pull it apart. The light was already beginning to burn him. He finally pulled the cable apart just before he burned to ashes.. The light flashed and then faded to nothing.  Doyle’s ashes rained from the sky, showering the people he died saving.

 

 

 Summer 2002

 

            Wes walked into the lobby of the Hyperion Hotel and tossed his battle axe onto the curved reception desk. Gunn walked in behind him and flopped down onto the strange round couch. The hotel was eerily quiet. Neither Gunn nor Wes tried to fill it up with noise. At one time the Hyperion was a grand hotel populated with minor movie stars and other Hollywood high society. Now it’s a shell for an investigation business that specializes in things that go bump in the night.

 

            “You gonna go tell him, Man?” Gunn asked.

 

            “I don’t know. Most days I doubt he even knows who we are. It probably won’t do any good to tell him.” Wes said with a glance up the stairs.

 

            “I get that. What the hell were the Powers thinking giving someone like him visions?” Gunn said.

 

            “I don’t think the Powers chose him. From what he told me in the days he was lucid, Doyle passed the visions on to him. He didn’t have a choice. There was no one else to pass them onto.”

 

            “Lucid days, now those were nice.  We gotta do something though ‘cause I ain’t going on no more wild goose chases to save people he killed two hundred years ago.” Gunn said.

 

            “Yes. It’s become increasingly difficult for him to separate visions from memories.  Half the time I think he believes the visions are memories, and vice versa obviously. I’ll do some more checking into it. By the way, it’s your turn to feed him.” Wes said as he sat down at his desk and took out his journal. Wes kept a detailed account of every job, every demon they encounter. It was the watcher in him, the part he couldn’t erase.

 

            “Crap. Are you sure?”

 

            “Quite. I’m the one that got attacked this morning, remember.” Wes said, tilting his head to the side and indicating a bandage on his neck.

 

            Gunn got up grumbling. He walked in the kitchen and took a plastic container of blood from the fridge. He put it in the microwave. He, Wes and Angel had met almost three years ago.  Angel had been lucid in those days and the visions were still new. Gunn had tried to stake Angel.  Eventually he had come to realize Angel was one of the good guys, contrary to what it would seem like.  He could make a real difference here. It was the difference between saving the world and saving his neighborhood. He’d chosen to save the world. There were times now he wished he’d chosen the neighborhood.

 

He didn’t mean that of course. It would have been easier to live in oblivion, not knowing that sometimes the world was in danger and that there were heroes who saved it. It was far too late for that. They’d pulled the Wizard’s curtain back and he knew Oz was really just a little man with a megaphone. There was no going back once you knew that.

 

            The microwave beeped and Gunn jumped down from his seat on the counter. He took the container of now warm blood out.  He walked back into the lobby and fished the tranq gun out from under the reception desk.  Wes glanced up at him as he did.

 

            “If I wanted to donate blood, I’d go to the hospital.” Gunn said and indicated the bandage on Wes’ neck.

 

            “Scream if you need to and remember no sudden moves. If you’re lucky, he won’t notice your there.” Wes said without looking up from his book.

 

            Gunn walked up the stairs. He held the tranq gun in one hand, the container of blood in the other. He stopped in front of the heavy steel door that looked out of place in the hotel. He put the blood and the tranq gun down on the floor. He slid back the heavy iron bar across the door and took a key out of his pocket, unlocking  the door. He picked up the blood and tranq gun and cracked the door open just wide enough to slip inside, closing the door behind him.

 

Angel was huddled in a corner talking to himself.  The room was small. All the furniture had been removed except for a bare mattress in one corner.  The windows were bricked up. Sheets, drapes and anything else Angel could hurt himself with were removed long ago, with one exception, a pair of wrist and ankle manacles hung empty, bolted to the wall. The room smelled like old blood and death.  Gunn held his breath. He bent at the knees and quietly sat the container of blood on the floor in the center of the room, never taking his eyes off the vampire in the corner. He backed away slowly. Angel smelled the blood. He jerked his head toward Gunn and then his gaze fell on the container on the floor. He scuttled over to the blood on all fours and picked it up. He tilted his head back, pouring the blood down his throat. It dripped from the corners of his mouth and down his chin. Gunn slipped out of the room, closing and locking the door.

He needed a shower now. Watching Angel eat always disgusted him. He could hardly remember the circumspect, civilized being Angel used to be.

 

            “I’m going to bed, Wes. Vampire’s fed.” He shouted down into the lobby. He couldn’t refer to the vampire in the room as Angel. There was nothing of Angel left, the vampire locked in that room was only a shell.

 

            Wes stayed up late looking through books. He had looked dozens of times before, and he knew it wasn’t likely he’d find anything this time, but he had to look. There was no cure for Angel. He needed the visions. They were his direct connection to the powers that be. Wes wasn’t even sure how the visions got passed. The only help Angel was able to give him was that Doyle had touched him and whispered something to him before jumping to his death. Angel had insisted on keeping the visions. They were from the Powers. He was meant to have them and he swore he could handle them. He was strong enough.  Only he hadn’t been.

 

            Over the years Wes has had people come and look at Angel, people who claimed to be able to restore a measure of sanity to any person. They took one look at Angel and shook their heads. He was a lost cause. The last witch had suggested to Wes that he stake him.

 

            “It would be the kindest course of action.” The witch had said.

 

            Wes had thrown her, literally, out of the hotel. Angel had to be worth saving. There were prophecies about him.  He was an important piece of the puzzle when it came down to the End of Days.  One didn’t just go and kill someone with that kind of future.

Wes grumbled and slammed shut the book. He rubbed his eyes. He was tired and he just wanted to go to bed, so he could get up and start it all over again. Besides he needed to be alert when he woke up in the morning.

It was his turn to feed the vampire.

Chapter Two

Author’s Note: Since Angel got the visions instead of Cordelia, and given his condition in this story, Buffy hasn’t seen Angel since The Yoko Factor in season 4.

 

 

 

            Wes ducked into the alley and peered into the darkened depths.  The alley smelled like rotten garbage. It’s deserted. He was certain the vampire came down here but there is no sign of anyone. He crept silently down the alley and paused at the T intersection of it. There was a tiny blond girl near the dumpster. She had her back turned to him and was bent over picking something up off the ground.

 

            “Are you alright, Miss?” he asked.

 

            The girl turned. She recognized that British accent.  “Wes?”

 

            “Buffy, good Heaven’s, I didn’t recognize you.” Wes said. He viewed her with a critical eye. She was much thinner then she was the last time he saw her. She looked older, tired. Her hair was longer and her hazel eyes were much older then her years.

 

            Buffy raised an eyebrow and looked Wes up and down. “I’m not the one who’s changed here Ex-Watcher Mine.” Wes was wearing a pair of rugged khaki’s, a white shirt and a black canvas duster. He had at least three day’s beard growth. His hair was rumpled and then there was the missing arm.

 

            “Yes, well I haven’t seen you since Sunnydale.” Wes said.

 

            “Yes, back when you had two arms.” Buffy slapped her hand over her mouth. “Sorry that was, uhm, inconsiderate.”

 

            “No, quite alright, I lost it in a battle with a Kunjai demon a couple of years ago. You didn’t happen to see a vampire come this way, did you?” Wes asked looking around the alley.

 

            “Yup, that pile of dust that is undistinguishable from all the other piles of dust, well that was him.” Buffy said

 

            “So what brings you to LA? Apocalypse?” Wes asked.

 

            Buffy shook her head. “Nope, just up visiting Dad. Of course he had to leave for an important business trip to Rome ten minutes after I got here.”

 

            “It’s good to know you’ve taken up patrols in LA then. Gunn and I can use the help.” Wes said.

 

            Buffy wrinkled her nose. “I wasn’t really patrolling. I went for a mocha chino.” She held aloft a paper cup of the frothy drink. “What do you mean you and Gunn? Who’s Gunn? I thought you worked with Angel.” Buffy looked at Wes with narrowed eyes.

 

            “We do work with Angel.” Wes said, deliberately avoiding the situation.

 

            “Then why the need for back up? Is Angel hurt? Or are things extra Hell mouthy, without the Hell mouth part, here?” Buffy asked.

 

            “No, it’s rather a long story.” Wes said. He shifted uncomfortably and glanced around the alley again.

 

            “Ok, get with the telling, Wes. You’re scaring me.”

 

            “Angel is-well he is-“Wes stopped unsure how to proceed. One had to be careful when giving a slayer bad news.

 

            Buffy closed her eyes and waited for Wes to finish. He’s not dead, he’s not dead, he’s not dead, she chanted in her head. He can’t be dead. I would know if he was dead. I think I would know if he was dead.

 

            “Angel is rather ill.” Wes finally spit out.

 

            “Rather ill? Explain, Wes. You’re English rather ill could mean a cold or dying.” Buffy said impatiently, the mocha chino in her hand instantly forgotten.

 

            “It’s a long story. Perhaps you’d walk with me.” Wes indicated the alley leading to the street.

 

            “He’s not-you know.” Buffy said. She couldn’t bring herself to say dead out loud.

 

            “Dead? No.” Wes said.

 

            They walked toward the street and turned back toward the Hyperion at the sidewalk. Cars streaked by them. People passed them. Los Angeles never really slept.

 

            “I believe you met Doyle, Angel’s friend and associate.” Wes said.

 

            Buffy nodded. “Yeah, he’s the man with the visions. It was a long time ago. He was English?”

 

            “Irish and yes he was the man with the visions. Shortly after your visit to Angel they ran into a bit of a problem. There was an army in LA set on purging half demons from the world. Angel and Doyle saved an entire group of half demons from this army. Doyle died in the process, but before he did he passed his visions to Angel.” Wes said.

 

            Buffy nodded. “That sounds reasonable. I mean they were visions from the Powers meant to help Angel anyway, right?”

 

            “Correct. However, the visions are extremely powerful. When Angel has one it’s almost as if he is the person in the vision. He sees what they see, smells what they smell and feels what they are feeling. I’m afraid hundreds of visions over the past three years have taken their toll. Angel is-mentally unstable.” Wes said, trying to think of a kind way to describe Angel’s condition.

 

            Buffy looked at him wide eyed. “Angel is what?” Insane vampires were never good. Not that she’d known many, only Drusilla and the one the Council wanted to lock her up with on her eighteenth birthday.

 

            “He’s-it’s rather difficult to explain. “ Wes said.

 

            “Then take me to him.” Buffy demanded.

 

 

 

I have these countless hours to fill

The void you left in me

 

 

 

            Buffy and Wes walked in the Hyperion. The lobby was dim. Gunn was slumped on the couch. The only sounds in the place are the electronic beeps and blips from the hand held video game he played. He didn’t even glance up when they walked in.

           

            “Hey,” Gunn said.

 

            “Wow, I bet this was really beautiful at one time.” Buffy said in awe. She turned a slow circle, taking in the worn grandness of the old hotel.

 

            Gunn looked up at the sound of her voice. His eyes raked over her. “Hel-lo.” He drew out, and rose to his feet. He was by her side in an instant. “I’m Charles Gunn, and you would be?”

 

            “Buffy Summers,” She said.

 

            “Oh,” Gunn said, his hand dropped to his side. His face fell.

 

            Buffy quirked an eyebrow at him, “did I say something wrong?” she asked.

 

            “No, I didn’t realize you were her.” Gunn said.

 

            “And somehow I’m confused even more.” Buffy said.

 

            “When you died, Willow called us on the phone. Angel was still lucid enough at that point to realize what had happened. He was uncontrollable for days afterward.” Wes said.

 

            “Days?” Gunn said with a sharp laugh. “That was the beginning of the end. He rambled incoherently about you for months.”

 

            Buffy wrinkled her brow. She set the forgotten mocha chino on the desk. “Willow told me she called when I came back.”

 

            “She did. Angel was- He wasn’t lucid enough to get the message, or perhaps he didn’t believe it. For all we know he thought it was one of his visions.” Wes said.

 

            Buffy nodded. She set her mouth in a thin line and looked up at Wes. “Can I see him?”

 

            Wes looked at Gunn. “Has he been fed yet?”

 

            “Naw, you know that’s the last thing I do before bed, gives me the wiggins and ruins the rest of the night.” Gunn said.

 

            “It’s best to wait until he’s been fed.” Wes said.

 

            Buffy looked at both men, shocked. “I’m not waiting one more minute to see him. Give me the damn blood, I’ll go feed him. I can’t believe you two. He’s Angel, how can you-“She stopped and shook her head. “Never mind, where’s the blood?”

 

            “The kitchen is this way.” Wes said. They walked toward the kitchen. “You should be aware. Angel bit me yesterday morning.”

 

            “He bit you?” Buffy said in disbelief. “What have you done to him?”

 

            Wes got a container of blood out of the fridge and put it in the microwave. He watched the container as it made lazy circles in the microwave, unwilling to meet Buffy’s eyes. “We haven’t done anything. I’ve tried to find something to help him. I’ve had countless witches, shaman and mystical counselors here to look at him. No one knows what to for him.” Wes paused a moment. He took a deep breath. “You need to be prepared for what you’re going to see. Angel doesn’t remember his own name most of the time. He sees things, people he killed, demons attacking him. When he bit me he didn’t realize it was me. He didn’t realize it was him. You should know, Buffy, there is nothing of Angel left. The Angel you knew is lost.”

 

            “Then I’ll find him.” She said.

 

            “I’m not entirely sure that’s possible.” Wes said.

 

            “Neither is coming back from the dead, twice.” She said.

 

 

            Wes just nodded. She’d find out soon enough and really there was no way to explain what Angel had become to her. It was something she had to see for herself. Wes took the container out of the microwave and handed it to Buffy. They walked out of the kitchen wordlessly. Wes stopped at the reception desk for the tranquilizer gun.

 

            “What is that?” Buffy asked, even though she knew what it was.

 

            “He gets, unmanageable sometimes. We have to tranquilize him on occasion.” Wes said.

 

            “You are not going to shoot him. If he gets unmanageable, I’m not going to need a tranq gun to subdue him.” Buffy said.

 

            “It’s not you I’m worried about.” Wes said.

 

            Buffy took the tranq gun from him and patiently unloaded all the darts. “You are not going to shoot him.”  She put the empty gun on the desk. She stood with her arms crossed defiantly over her chest. She dared Wes to cross her on this. She was fairly sure even this new improved Wes didn’t have the balls. She was right.

 

            Wes merely sighed and beckoned her. They walked up the stairs. Gunn watched them from below. This was going to get very interesting, he thought.

 

            “You lock him up?” Buffy exclaimed as Wes slide back the iron bar across the steel door.

           

            “Buffy, you don’t understand. We have no choice. Not only is he a danger to others in this state, he is a danger to himself. We kept him in manacles for a long time. When we saw that he wasn’t getting any better, we decided it was inhumane to have him chained all the time.  This was the only other option we had.”  Wes unlocked and opened the door.

 

            The smell hit her before anything else. It smelled like a crypt that hadn’t been opened in decades.  Wes flipped a light switch and a dim bare bulb flickered on.  Buffy stepped into the room and she was nearly knocked to her knees by the sight. She had to struggle not to retch. She reached out and grabbed onto Wes’ shoulder for support.

 

            “Oh, God.” She breathed.

 

            Angel was curled up in a corner. As soon as she stepped into the room, Angel looked toward them with eyes that didn’t see. He sniffed the air and then drew even further into his corner. He started muttering to himself. Buffy could just barely make out the words. “Not here, not here, not here, not here, not here, just a dream, not here.” She swallowed the tears that choked her.

 

            “Wes, you can go now.” Buffy said.

 

            “Buffy, I don’t-“ Wes started.

 

            “You. Can. Go. Now.” She said.

 

            She barely heard Wes leave, shutting the door behind him. She dropped to her haunches, balancing herself with the fingertips of one hand on the floor. “Angel,” She whispered very softly. He made no move to show any recognition at his name. He just eyed her warily from his corner, occasionally sniffing at the air. His eyes kept flickering to the blood she held.

 

            Buffy set the blood on the floor. She backed away from it, but not to far away. He crept toward it slowly. Buffy’s heart broke with every crawling, shuffling movement he made. She remembered all to well the graceful, fluid creature he had been.  He picked the container up and she held her breath. She tried to remain completely still. He gulped the blood messily and she bit back a sob. She remembered an Angel that refused to eat in front of her. Now he looked at her confused, blood dripping from his chin and the corners of his mouth.

 

            She reached out a hand to him. “Angel,”

 

            Again there was no recognition in his eyes.

 

            “Angelus,” She said.

 

            He crouched in fear and scuttled back over to the corner. He drew himself in as tightly as possible and threw his arms over his head. “Not here, not here, not here, not here, can’t be here, not here.” He said over and over.

 

            Buffy scooted back against a wall and pulled her knees up to her chest.  She rested her chin on them and watched Angel, tears falling silently down her cheeks. She remembered when she was little. They had a cat that had gotten hit by a car. Her dad had taken it to the vet and had it’s broken leg bandaged. When he’d brought it home, he wouldn’t let her touch it. He’d said that when animals are in pain you can’t go to them, you have to set back and let them come to you.

 

            She had been waiting her whole life for Angel to come to her, a little while longer wasn’t going to make a difference.

Chapter Three

 

            Wes and Gunn sat in the lobby of the hotel. They waited for the phone to ring, bringing them another case, or Angel had a vision. Gunn flipped channels on the TV idly. Wes did paperwork. A night in was rare.

 

            “She’s been up there a long time. Think she’s okay?” Gunn asked Wes.

 

            “Why don’t you go on up there and see Gunn. If I wanted to get my head bitten off I’d look for a Walkash demon, much less painful.” Wes said as he flipped through his books.

 

            “You don’t think he-hurt her?” Gunn asked casting a glance up at the room the vampire was kept in.

           

            “I was speaking of getting my head bit off by a certain Slayer, not the vampire.” Wes said.

 

            “She’s awfully tiny. You’re sure about this slayer thing?” Gunn asked.

 

            “Quite. I was her watcher for a time being. She would take us both down with out breaking a sweat.” Wes said.

 

            “Maybe you, English, but I ain’t getting my ass handed to me by a girl.” Gunn smirked.

 

            “Then please feel free to go upstairs and interrupt.” Wes said.

 

*

 

            Buffy took a deep breath and yawned a little. She opened her eyes, not realizing she’d drifted off. She was surprised to see that Angel had moved a little closer to her. He was sniffing the air. He leaned against the wall and pulled his knees up to his chest.

 

            “No, no. She’s not here, not here. She’s gone, gone, angel in the sky. My fault wasn’t there to catch her. Promised to catch her when she fell, didn’t though, my fault. She’s gone, not here, not here, Buffy, Buffy, so sorry, didn’t catch you, sorry, sorry, sorry Buffy.” Angel rocks back and forth, tears streaking down his cheeks.

 

            “Angel, I’m here. I’m right here.” Buffy crawled across the floor to him. She tentatively reached a hand out to touch his arm. He didn’t shy away from it.

 

            He shook his head. “Gotta tell Wes, vision. Gotta tell Wes.”

 

            Buffy jumped when Angel started screaming for Wes. She heard the locks in the door being undone quickly. Wes threw the door open and a square of bright light fell into the room.

 

            “Vision?” Wes asked. He walked closer to Angel and crouched down.

 

            “Buffy, Buffy here, Buffy alive, don’t know how. Help her, gotta help her. Didn’t catch her when she fell. Gotta help her.” Angel rambled.

 

            Wes smiled faintly and turned his attention to Buffy. “He thinks you’re a vision.”

 

            Buffy reached out and grabbed Angel’s hand. She placed it on her chest, over her heart. “Angel, I’m here. I’m not a vision. This is real. I’m right here.” Tears streamed down her face.

 

            He shook his head. “Can’t be real, can’t be real. Vision Buffy vision. Didn’t hurt her, Wes?” Angel turned to look at Wes. His eyes were filled with fear and pain.

 

            “No, Angel, you didn’t hurt her. This isn’t a memory or a vision. Buffy’s here, she’s alive.”

 

            Angel shook his head again. “No, not here, not real. Dreamed this, not real, can’t be real. “He begin to bang his head against the wall. Buffy caught his head.

 

            “Wes, stop him! He’s going to hurt himself.” She said, trying to keep her voice level so she wouldn’t scare him worse.

           

            “I can tranquilize him, that’s it. There’s nothing else to do for Angel when he gets like this.” Wes said.

 

            “No, I don’t want you to do that yet. Angel, listen to me. I’m here, this is real. Focus, you can smell me, feel me.” Buffy said.

 

            “He smells and feels in the visions too. “ Wes tried to explain.

 

            “Buffy fell; no wings yet, couldn’t fly. My fault should have caught her. Buffy fell, sorry, sorry.” Angel muttered. He drew up even further into himself, tucking his head down to his knees.

 

            Buffy sighed. “What do I do now, Wes?” She looked at the English man helplessly.

 

            “Let him rest. It’s a lot to absorb maybe if it sinks in a little he’ll realize that it’s not a vision.” Wes suggested.

 

            Buffy nodded and stood up. “What happened? How did he get like this?”

 

            “Let’s go downstairs. I’ll make some tea.” Wes suggested.

 

            “No, I’m not leaving him.” Buffy said.

 

            “Buffy, he won’t even notice you’re gone. He doesn’t even realize you’re here now.” Wes said.

 

            “On some level he does other wise he wouldn’t be talking about me. Oh! Wait get me on of his shirts.” Buffy said.

 

            Wes looked at her oddly but complied. He returned shortly with a long sleeved charcoal gray sweater.

 

            “Wes, turn your back.” Buffy said.

 

            He did. She stripped off her shirt and slid Angel’s sweater on. She walked over to Angel and put her shirt in his hands. “Hold on to that. Its proof, I’m here. I’m real and I’ll be back in just a little while.” She very lightly kissed him on the forehead.

 

            She followed Wes out of the room and downstairs. They walked into the kitchen. Wes put the kettle on to boil water.

 

            “How did he get like this? Doyle was half human and the visions didn’t do this to him.” Buffy said. She sat down at the small table there.  Wes sat in the chair across from her.

 

            “I don’t think Doyle had the visions for very long to begin with. And Angel is a special case. Even before he got the visions he was tormented by all the things Angelus had done. The curse won’t let him ever forget those things. Quite frankly, I’m surprised he didn’t go insane from those memories alone. Add in the visions, and you can’t blame his mind for caving in.  He gets visions and memories messed up. Night before last he sent us to save a woman he’d killed almost 200 years ago. It’s not the first time it’s happened. A few weeks ago he wanted us to go to Sunnydale, to save Jenny.” Wes said.

 

            Buffy buried her face in her hands. “How do I fix this?” She said.

 

            “I don’t think there is a way to fix this, Buffy. I’ve exhausted all my resources. This is the way Angel will be for the rest of his life.” Wes said.

 

            “No, I don’t accept that.” Buffy said.

 

            “I’m afraid you’re going to have to. Maybe you can bring him around to more lucid moments, but that’s the best we can hope for.” Wes took the boiling water off the stove and poured it into a tea pot. He arranged things on the tea tray while they waited for it to brew.

 

            “Does he ever have these ‘lucid’ moments now?” Buffy asked.

 

            “Not really anymore. He’s semi lucid when he tells us about his visions. He knows that when he has one he has to call me or Gunn. Sometimes when he tells us about the visions it’s jumbled, not always in the correct order, other times he makes sense, in his own way.” Wes said.

 

            “So he recognizes you. He knows who you are.” Buffy said.

 

            “In a way, he associates me with the visions. He only remembers me when he has a vision. There’s no recognition when I take blood into him. He doesn’t even remember his own name.” Wes says.

 

            “He remembers me.” Buffy says very quietly.

 

            “Yes, he remembers you.”

 

 Chapter Four

 

            “Can we move him?” Buffy asked as she walked tiredly up the stairs with Wes.

 

            “We were afraid to put him in a room with furniture or bed clothes. We were afraid he’d hurt himself.” Wes said.

 

            “And if I stay with him and watch him, can we move him?” Buffy asked again.

 

            “Alright, if we can move him without upsetting him. I’ll warn you, he hasn’t been out of that room for months. I’m not sure how he’ll react.” Wes said.

 

            Buffy nodded.  “I want him to have a real bed and blankets. Is his room still set up, with his things?”

 

            “We didn’t touch anything. It’s the room next to the one he’s in right now.” Wes said.

 

            “Good, we won’t have far to move him.” Buffy said.

 

            Wes unlocked and opened the door.  Buffy stepped inside. Angel was back in the corner of the room. His face was buried in her shirt. Buffy smiled a little.

 

            “Angel, I’m back.” She said walking slowly toward him.

 

            He kept his eyes closed, unwilling to open them and find it was a dream or a vision.

 

            “Angel, we’re gonna move to a better room and I’m gonna stay there with you, okay.” Buffy crouched down next to Angel. She gently encircled his wrist with her hand and tugged him to his feet. He kept his eyes closed, still afraid to open them in case she disappeared. She walked slowly, leading him beside her. They followed Wes into the room that used to be Angel’s.  Everything was covered with dust clothes but his things were still there, his sketches on the wall, his sculptures sitting on shelves. It was definitely Angel’s room. Buffy led Angel to the bed and pulled back one corner of the cloth. She helped him sit down. He finally opened his eyes

 

            “Not here, not real.” He whispered.

 

            “I am real, Angel. I’m right here.” She kept holding his hand in hers.

 

            Wes pulled all the dust clothes off.

 

            “Open the windows so it can air out in here.” Buffy said.

 

            “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.  If he has a vision or a nightmare, he could run.” Wes said.

 

            “He won’t leave me. He’s so afraid right now that if he blinks I’ll disappear. He’s not going to walk out of a room I’m in.” Buffy said.

           

            Wes considered that and decided it was likely true. He opened the windows in the room a few inches. “Do you need anything else?” Wes asked.

 

            Buffy shook her head. “I think we’re okay.”

 

            “Should you need anything yell. Gunn and I are both light sleepers. We each have a tranq gun and will not hesitate to use it should he up and around without you.” Wes said.

 

            “You won’t need it.” Buffy said.

 

            Wes nodded and left the room.

 

            Buffy sat next to Angel and rubbed slow circles on his back. He had yet to reach out to touch her, but he didn’t shy away from her touches. She was at a loss.  She searched her brain for something useful in this situation. There really was nothing. It wasn’t like they made handbooks, How to help the insane person in your life. Then again maybe they did and it was sitting somewhere with her Slayer Handbook.

 

            “Angel, I know you’re in there somewhere and if you can remember me I know you can remember other things. They’re just buried.  Come on, lie down. You need to rest.” Buffy said.

 

            She coaxed him onto his side, lying on the bed. He kept his knees drawn up to his chest. He was very careful to never touch her. Buffy cradled his head in her lap. She leaned back against the pillows and ran her fingers through his hair.

 

            “I remember the first time I met you, Angel. I fell in love right then and there. I so didn’t want to admit it though. You absolutely took my breath away. There’s this thing you do somehow and you make the lights dim everywhere else just by being in the room.  You still do that, you know. “

 

            She talked to him through out the night, mostly about their lives together in Sunnydale. At some point she got up and closed the drapes. She didn’t want to wake up in a bed with ashes. She snuggled back into the pillows. Angel, half asleep, snuggled back against her. It was the closest he’d come to touching her since she first saw him.

 

            “I’m going to get you back, Angel, no matter what it takes.” She whispered into the darkness.

 

 

But I’ve got this faith to blind me

 

 

            Buffy woke up before Angel.  He was laying curled up on the bed whimpering. He flinched in his sleep and murmured things she couldn’t quite catch. He still held her shirt, clutched desperately to his chest. He reminded her of the way he had been when he’d first come back from hell. She smoothed a hand across his temple.  Wes knocked softly on the door.

 

            “Come in.” Buffy said quietly, not wanting to wake Angel just yet.

 

            Wes walked in holding a container of blood.  “You got him to sleep.” Wes said. There is a sense of wonderment about his voice.

 

            “He fell asleep not long after we got him in here last night. He’s been asleep ever since. I think he’s hungry though. He keeps flashing vamp face in his sleep.” Buffy said with a smile.

 

            “Be careful.” Wes said.

 

            “Its okay, Wes. I will.” Buffy smiled at him.

 

            Wes set the blood on the nightstand. “If you need anything let me know.  I’ll let you know before Gunn or I take off anywhere.”

 

            “Thanks.”

 

            Wes walked out the bedroom, pulling the door shut behind him. Buffy leaned over Angel and picked up the container of blood. Angel opened his eyes, rousing at the scent of blood, or maybe the scent of Buffy. He sat up and pulled his knees to his chest. He looked warily at Buffy. He glanced down at her shirt, clutched in his hand.

 

            “Come on, I know you’re hungry, Baby.” Buffy held the blood close to his mouth. He leaned forward and took a cautious sip, his eyes never leaving her. She smiled at him. He took a long drink of the blood.  When he’d finished she set the empty container on the nightstand.

           

            “Not here,” Angel said.

 

            “I am, Angel. I’m right here. You can reach out and touch me.” Buffy said. She laid her hand on his cheek, gliding her thumb over his beautiful mouth. He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. Tears rushed to her eyes.

 

            “Not here, can’t be here, Buffy fell, didn’t catch her. She’s gone.” Angel said. His voice is quiet but filled with pain and sorrow.

 

            “I did. I fell, but Willow brought me back. I’m here, Angel. This isn’t a dream or a vision or your mind playing tricks on you. You’re holding my shirt. I’m touching you. I’m here.” Buffy said.

 

            Angel took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of her.  “Smells like Buffy.” He turned his face into the palm of her hand and took another deep breath. “Smells like Buffy and blood.”

 

            “I was holding your blood while you ate, remember?” She said.

 

            He dipped his head and put his nose on the pulse point of her wrist. “Smells like Buffy’s blood. Didn’t hurt her?” He looks up at her with wild eyes.

 

            Buffy shook her head and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “No, you didn’t hurt me.  I’m not a memory of someone you hurt, Angel. I’m real.”

 

            “Buffy crying though must be hurt.” Angel said.

 

            She shook her head again. “No, I’m not crying because of you. You didn’t hurt me, Angel.”

 

            He looks at her confused. He continued to take deep breaths of her, sniffing her. “Sure?”

 

            “I’m sure.” She said.

 

            “Somebody else hurt?” He asked.

 

            She shook her head. “No, no one hurt me.”

 

            “Touch?” He asked.

 

            She nodded. “Yes, you can touch me.”

 

            Angel reached out very tentatively and ran his fingers, feather soft, over her cheek.

 

            “Here,” He said. “Real. Buffy’s real.”

 

 Chapter Five

 

            Buffy spent the morning sitting on the bed with Angel, talking to him, touching him. He didn’t say much to her, an occasional one word comment here and there, but he listened and every once in a while he’d reach out and very tentatively touch her. He still hadn’t let go of her shirt.  There was a knock on the door. Angel scurried back and tried to make himself disappear into the bed pillows. Buffy captured his hand.

 

            “Come in,” She said.

 

            Gunn pushed the door open. He had cartons of Chinese food in his hands.

 

            “Thought you might be hungry,” Gunn said.

 

            She nodded.  “Thanks, I’m starving.” She glanced over at Angel. “Angel, it’s okay. It’s Gunn, remember him? Sometimes you tell him about your visions, just like Wes.”

 

            Angel furrowed his brow and looked at Gunn. Finally he nodded. “Remember Gunn.”

 

            “Gunn, want to have a seat and eat with me and Angel?” Buffy asked.

 

            Gunn glanced at Angel. It was obvious he was uncomfortable around Angel. Finally he shrugged and pulled a chair over near the bed.  He sat tense, wary, a warrior waiting for an attack. By contrast Buffy lay on her stomach on the bed, casually eating Chinese food with chopsticks and chattering a mile a minute. Gunn was surprised. She set him at ease immediately and had him laughing over things like the fear demon she’d squished, or Sweet, the demon that’d made everyone sing.

 

            “I wanna hear about the whole dying thing. I mean it’s not often you meet someone who’s come back from the dead and isn’t you know, undead.” Gunn says.

 

            “First time or second time?” Buffy asked digging through her rice with her chopsticks.

           

            “You’ve died more then once?” Gunn asked.

           

            Buffy nodded. “First time was much less dramatic. I drowned. Xander gave me CPR, I got better. Second time, that was much more sticky, very long story that I will tell you if you’ll stay here with Angel while I go call Xander and Dawn. I need to make sure everyone is okay and taken care of so I can stay here and take care of him.”

 

            Gunn looked warily at Angel and then back to Buffy.  “Alright, there’s a phone right through though doors. We never had it disconnected.” Gunn gestures to a pair of French doors separating the bedroom area from the living room area.

 

            “Thanks.” Buffy turned to Angel and cupped her face with her hand. She made him look at her. “I’ll be right back. Gunn is going to stay here with you. I’ll just be in the next room.”

 

            Angel nodded very slightly.  He kept his eyes cast down. Buffy got up and walked toward the other room.  She closed the door behind her. The furniture in this room still had all the dust covers on it.  She found the phone easily even in the dark.  She quickly dialed Xander’s number first. He picked up after a couple of rings.

 

            “Xan, its Buffy.” She said.

 

            “Buff, what’s up? Still in LA?”

 

            “Yah, I’m going to be here a little while I think.” She said.

 

            “Don’t tell me the world needs saving again? We just did that a couple of weeks ago. Isn’t there a time limit on those things, like say you have to go 8 months between apocalypses?” Xander said.

 

            She grinned. “No, there is no world saveage in the cards for me, at least not immediately. Only an Angel saveage.”

 

            “Are we talking the kind with wings or the kind with fangs?” Xander asked.

 

            “Fangy kind and I don’t want to hear it. I need a favor.” Buffy said.

 

            “I don’t like it, just for the record, but what’s wrong?” Xander asked.

 

            “The short version, Angel gets visions from the Powers that Be and they have literally driven him insane.” Buffy said.

 

            “Not liking this, Buffy. An insane Angel sounds an awful lot like an evil Angel to me.” Xander said.

 

            “No, he’s not. He’s- I can’t even begin to tell you what he’s like.  I can’t leave him alone like this though, Xander.  I need you to go pick up Dawn. She’s at Dad’s house and Dad had to take a trip to Rome. We don’t know when he’ll be back. “

 

            “Sure, no problem, I’ll swing by there. Want me to just bring Dawnie back here?” Xander asked.

 

            “Yeah, or if you want stay at Dad’s with Dawn. He’s got a pool and stuff. You could have a little Hellmouth free vacation. Whatever you and Dawnie decide is fine with me, just let me know. Also, could you bring my suitcase by here? I’ll make sure Dawn has it all packed.”

 

            “Okay,” Xander said.

 

            Buffy gave him directions to the Hyperion. “Thanks Xander. I really do appreciate it.”

           

            “No problemo, again I would like to express my extreme dislike of your actions. My compliance in no way affirms your decision to do this.” Xander said.

 

            “I know, I know. I’m still doing it and I still appreciate your help.” Buffy said.

 

            She hung up and made the next call to Dawn. She was actually excited about Xander coming to pick her up. Buffy had suspected for a long time that Dawn had a crush on Xander.  She grudgingly agreed to pack Buffy’s suitcase for her.

 

            “And make sure you put all my clothes in there. I don’t want you borrowing. I didn’t bring a whole lot of them in the first place. I had planned to get some shopping done.” Buffy admonished.

 

            “Like I’d want to borrow your clothes anyway.” Dawn retorted.

 

            “I’ll see you in a little while,” Buffy said.

 

            “Kay, I gotta run if I’m gonna get both our bags packed before Xander gets here.” Dawn said as she hung up the phone.

 

            Buffy replaced the receiver in the cradle and walked back into the bedroom where Gunn and Angel sat.  Angel noticed the second Buffy walked back into the room. He looked up at her and there was a stir of recognition, a tiny slice of the old Angel reflected in his eyes. She sat down on the bed next to him, her hand automatically going to rest on his knee.

 

            “I feel better now that that’s taken care of. Xander, a friend of mine, and my little sister are going to be dropping my suitcase by here. I hope that’s okay? “Buffy said. It never actually occurred to her to ask if she could stay there.

           

            “Yeah, it’s fine. Wes is down there. He can do the meet and greet. Now you were getting ready to tell me a long story.” Gunn said.

 

            She smiled. “Oh yeah, okay so there was this Hell Goddess who got thrown out of Hell, probably for her bad fashion sense possibly for being psycho but I think that’s a plus in Hell, anyway she needed my little sister’s blood to open a portal back to her world. When the portal opened, things from her world bled into our world, if left open long enough it would turn our world into pretty much Hell. Once the portal opened it would only close once the blood had stopped flowing. I gambled on my blood and Dawn’s blood being the same. I jumped into the portal and I was right. It closed it.”

 

            “But it killed you.” Gunn said.

 

            Buffy nodded. She noticed Angel had drawn back into himself. His arms were wrapped around his knees.  She scooted closer to him.

 

            “So how’d you end up not dead?” Gunn asked.

 

            “Willow brought me back.” Buffy said.

 

            “Buffy fell, didn’t catch her. Buffy fell, gone, gone , not here, not real, gone.” Angel started murmuring.

 

            Buffy’s heart broke. “Oh, God, no Angel, I am here. Remember, Buffy’s real, Buffy’s here.”  She ran her fingers through his hair, leaning in close.

 

            “Sorry, I’m not used to him actually being lucid enough to notice what’s going on. I shouldn’t have asked you about it with him here.” Gunn said.

 

            “He handled it badly.” Buffy said.

 

            “Badly isn’t the word. He lost what little he had left. He kept saying it was his fault, he should have known, he should have been there. He’d been violent before but that night he completely lost it., attacked both Wes and me. We tranqed him and dragged him up here. He spent months in restraints. He would scream your name for hours on end and then it got worse.” Gunn said.

 

            “Worse?” Buffy glanced at him and then turned her attention back to Angel.

 

            “There were no more lucid moments.  He’d ramble for hours on end about things that didn’t make sense. He saw the people he killed and he’d spend hours apologizing, crying, begging their forgiveness.  That was when he started sending us to rescue the people he’d killed. The final walls between reality, vision and memory fell. He couldn’t keep any of it straight. When we heard you were alive, Wes tried to tell him. There wasn’t enough of Angel left to comprehend it. He never would use the word dead and your name together.” Gunn said.

 

            Buffy sighed.  “I should have come earlier. I just, I had no idea. Why didn’t Wes call me?”

 

            Gunn shrugged. “You’d have to ask him.”

 

            Buffy nodded. “I’m going to try and get him settled back down, maybe asleep. I’ll be down there later, hopefully by the time Dawn and Xander show up.”

 

            Gunn stood up and gathered the empty Chinese food cartons.  He shut the door behind him when he left.

 

            “Not here,” Angel said. He looked at her mournfully, as if he knew she was vision and she would disappear, whether he wanted her to or not.

 

            “No, I am here, Baby. Willow brought me back, remember.” Buffy said. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pulled him to her. He laid his head in her lap and held onto her.

 

            It took three hours for her to get Angel calmed down. When he finally fell asleep she stood up and stretched.  Xander and Dawn would be here shortly. She went ahead and walked downstairs, leaving the door to Angel’s room open so she could hear him if he needed her. Gunn and Wes were in the lobby sharpening weapons. She picked up a broadsword, looking fondly at it. Its edge was sharp but somehow it had an unused feeling to it.

 

            “Angel’s favorite.” She said and smiled slightly.

 

            Wes nodded. “I try to keep it in good condition. We don’t use it much though.”

 

            She nodded and placed it back in the weapons cabinet. “Why didn’t you call me and tell me about him, Wes?”

 

            Wes kept his attention on the ax edge he was sharpening. At first it appeared he wasn’t going to answer her. “I didn’t know what to say. The last I’d heard you two were going on with your separate lives.  He said you were in love with someone else.”

 

            “He thought that?” Buffy asked.

 

            Wes nodded. “He said he’d seen him both times he’d gone back to Sunnydale.”

 

            Buffy sighed. “I didn’t love Riley, not ever, not like I love him.” There was no need to ask who him was. Him was who it had always been for Buffy.

 

            “There’s nothing you could have done anyway, Buffy. There’s nothing anyone can do.” Wes said.

 

            “So, what, he stays like this for eternity? That’s not fair. Even the powers can’t be that cruel.” Buffy said.

 

            Wes continues sharpening his ax. “He won’t last an eternity. Somehow, some way he’ll end up staking himself.”

 

            Buffy looked down at her feet. She couldn’t argue with Wes and she couldn’t blame Angel. If he truly had to spend an eternity like this, she couldn’t blame him for wanting to end it.  She remembered all to well the night Angel stood on a hill and waited for the sun to rise. The powers had saved him then, for what, a life of misery, insanity. They should have let the sun rise.

 

            The door to the hotel opened. Xander and Dawn walked in carrying a large black suitcase. Buffy hugged Xander and Dawn.

 

            “Xander, you remember Wes. That’s Gunn. This is my friend Xander and my sister Dawn.” Buffy introduced everyone.

 

            “Wow, Wes-you’re so-not the dork anymore.” Xander said.

 

            Wes chuckled. “Hello, Xander. Nice to see you again.”

 

            “Yeah, that’s totally what I meant.” Xander said.

 

            Dawn looked around the hotel curiously. “So, where’s Angel?”

 

            “He’s upstairs, asleep.” Buffy said.

 

            “Cool, I’m gonna go say hello.” Dawn started to bound up the stairs. Buffy caught her arm.

 

            “No, it took me three hours to get him to sleep. Besides, he’s not the Angel you remember Dawnie.” Buffy said.

 

            “So, I want to see him. He used to like me you know. He’ll be happy to see me.” Dawn argued.

 

            “Dawn, he won’t remember you.” Wes said.

 

            “Why? Because I’m the key? Didn’t the monk screw up his memories too?” Dawn said.

 

            “He doesn’t remember anyone, Dawn.” Buffy said.

 

            “Then why do you get to be here?”

 

            Buffy sighed. She didn’t want to have this conversation with Dawn.  Wes saved her. “Angel remembers Buffy but most of the time he doesn’t think she’s real. Seeing you might confuse him even more, Dawn.”

 

            Dawn rolled her eyes. “Whatever. Can we go now, Xander?”

 

            “We’re headed back to Sunnydale.” Xander said.

 

            Buffy nodded. “When you talk to Giles let him know that I’m here in LA. You can give him this number if he needs to call me. You might avoid saying the word angel or even implying that I’m here. Giles has enough on his plate with Willow. He doesn’t need the Angel saga too.”

           

            Once they were gone, Buffy picked up her suitcase and carried it up to Angel’s room. She tucked it neatly just inside the door.  Angel was still sound asleep, curled up around her shirt. She decided to leave him like that. He needed the sleep, from what Wes had told her he didn’t sleep much. He was plagued by visions, memories and nightmares all too often. She walked back downstairs.  When Angel woke up she’d have to bring him down into the courtyard. Never leaving that room couldn’t be good for him. She’d only been up there a few hours and it made her claustrophobic. She slumped on the round couch next to Gunn. She noticed a nasty looking scar on his forearm.

 

            “Where did you get the scar?” She asked.

 

            Gunn looked down at his forearm, as if reminding himself which one it was. “That was one of the first ones Angel gave me. It was before we started tranqing him. He had a vision, got violent. It was my turn to try and subdue him. It didn’t work so well. This is what it looks like when you have to rip a vamp’s teeth out of your forearm. Pretty ain’t it?”

 

            Buffy winced inwardly. Not to be outdone, Wes stepped out from behind the desk. He was unbuttoning his shirt. He shrugged one side of the shirt off his shoulder. There was nice round scar there just under the ridge of his collarbone.  “Quit whining, Gunn. So you had vamp teeth pulled out of your arm. I got shoved into a piece of steel trying to restrain him.” Wes said.

 

            Gunn snorted and pulled up the edge of his shirt. “He shoved a stake back into me.” There was almost round scar on his abdomen.

 

            “What were you doing holding a stake to Angel?” Buffy said.

 

            “Just a threat, wouldn’t really have done it, unless I had to. I thought it’d help restrain him. I got this the same night he shoved Wes into the steel bar. It was the night Willow called to say you were dead. Come on, you spent 3 years with him. I’m sure it wasn’t all fluffy bunnies and flowers. You gotta have some Angel scars.” Gunn said.

 

            “Most of my Angel scars are the kind you can’t see.” Buffy said, unconsciously her hand drifted to the curve of her neck. “I do have one.” She pulled aside the collar of Angel’s shirt so they could see his mark there. It was an obvious scar, but almost delicate looking, as if it had been placed there lovingly rather then violently.

 

            Gunn whistled. “Nice. How’d you get his fangs out without ripping the crap out of your throat?” He’d seen plenty of vamp bites in his time. They either drained you or you had a hell of a scar from someone ripping their fangs out.  He’d never seen such a neat, perfect scar.

 

            “I didn’t. He took them out.” Buffy said.

 

            “He what?” Gunn quirked an eyebrow at her.

 

            “He was poisoned, dying. The only thing that would cure him was draining a slayer. So I let him.” Buffy said nonchalantly.

 

            “You let him drain you? Was he a good guy during all this or was this an evil phase? And are all slayers this stupid or are you an exception. No wonder you died twice.” Gunn said with a note of disgust in his voice.

 

            “He wasn’t evil. He was sick, dying. I made him drink, to save his life.  He didn’t want to. If you weren’t human, the last part of your statement would get you killed.” Buffy said meeting his glare with one of her own.

 

            Wes stepped in front of them. “Yes, well, I think we’ll all agree, Buffy wins the best Angel scar award.”

 

           

Chapter Six

 

            “Wes, is it alright with you if I go out in the courtyard and train a little?” Buffy asked. Wes had a fairly impressive training set up in the courtyard.

 

            “Of course, make yourself at home here, Buffy.” Wes said.

 

            “Thanks,” She said. Buffy slipped upstairs and changed into a pair of low slung yoga pants and a tank top.  She found it therapeutic to beat on something, even if it was just a punching bag. Angel was still sleeping soundly. Buffy padded down the stairs barefoot and out into the courtyard.  She went to work pounding on a punching bag.  She used her feet and her fists on it. Gunn watched her from a shadowed alcove. He hadn’t known a human could move like that. She moved like a vampire, fast, fluid, graceful. As he watched Buffy workout, a fine sheen of sweat covering her toned body, he wondered why the hell the ones he could fall for always went for dark, broody and insane.

 

            Buffy’s workout was interrupted by a roar that she knew was Angel’s. She felt it inside and fought the urge to scream herself. She raced into the lobby just as Angel jumped from the second story balcony and landed in a crouch, almost quicker then the human eye can see. Just as quickly Angel, in snarling game face, launched himself at Wes, who was standing in front of the reception desk.  Buffy put on a superhuman burst of speed and just managed to wedge her body between Wes and Angel at the point of impact. It nearly knocked the breath out of her.

 

            “Angel, stop.” She said just before Angel sunk his teeth into the soft flesh of her throat. Buffy struggled to stay calm. Her body, her blood, screamed at her to run or fight.  She saw Gunn behind Angel raise a tranq gun.  “Gunn, no,” She screamed. If Gunn made him drowsy or dizzy while he was drinking her, he wouldn’t be able to pay attention to her heartbeat, he wouldn’t stop before he killed her.  “Angel, it’s Buffy, Baby, you don’t want to hurt me. Angel, stop. Oh, God, Angel, its Buffy, stop.”  Her voice was tremulous with desire. She remembered this feeling; she had dreams about this feeling. She moaned and arched into his body, causing his fangs to sink in deeper. She tried to focus on what was going on. It wouldn’t do to have a bite orgasm with Wes and Gunn watching.  It would be so easy to surrender, to let it wash over her.  And then as suddenly as it had started it was over. Angel retracted his fangs. Buffy’s knees buckled and he caught her.  He reverted to his human face, staring down at her in horror. Tears filled his eyes.  If it weren’t for the fact that he was holding her, he would have retreated into the darkest corner of the darkest room he could find.  Buffy raised one hand and laid it in the crook of his neck.

 

            “I’m okay. You stopped in time, just weak.” She said. She could feel the blood still dripping from the wound on her neck, “and still bleeding.”

 

            Angel dropped to the floor. He cradled her in his arms and whimpered over her. He dipped his head and lapped at the wound he’d made, making apologetic mewling noises as he did. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Gunn advancing toward them with a stake in one hand and a look of murder in his eyes. Wes put out a hand and stopped him.

 

            “He didn’t mean to hurt her.” Wes said.

 

            “He’s still hurting her.” Gunn’s voice was filled with rage.

 

            “No, he’s not. Look at them. He’s closing up the wound.” Wes said.

 

            “I’m okay, really. He didn’t take too much.” Buffy said. Truthfully she was fighting losing consciousness. She had to stay awake until she was sure Wes and Gunn weren’t going to stake Angel.

 

Angel finished lapping at the wound. He stood up and laid her gently on the curved desk. He walked around and took the first aid kit from underneath.  With lucid concentration and worry Angel dabbed antibiotic ointment on the puncture wounds and then covered it with a large square bandage.  He picked her back up and cradled her in his arms. He looked straight at Wes.

 

            “Glass of orange juice, please. Helps build her blood back.” He said.

 

            “Wh-well, yes, in the kitchen. I’ll go get a glass.” Wes watched Angel carefully as he walked into the kitchen. Angel took Buffy over to the couch and sat down with her. He tucked his nose in the crook of her neck and sniffed at her.

 

            “Weak, took to much, sorry Buffy.” He murmured.

 

            She shook her head. “You didn’t mean to, it’s okay.”

 

            “You’re not scared, don’t smell scared, didn’t taste scared, just tasted like …love?” He said.

 

            “I knew you’d stop in time. It’s happened before, remember?” She said.

 

            He nodded. “Didn’t know if it was real or not, have lots of dreams about it.”

 

            She smiled weakly at him.  “I know me too.”

 

            “Bad dreams?” He asked.

 

            “Sometimes a little scary, but usually good dreams.” She said.

 

            “Didn’t mean to, vision, or memory maybe, of someone hurting you. Thought it was happening. Had to stop it. Didn’t meant o hurt you, didn’t mean to hurt Wes.” He said. His eyes and his words showed lucidity that she hadn’t seen before. He knew what was going on. He knew what he’d done and what he’d seen and he knew that there was a difference between his memories and his visions. It was an improvement, even though anyone who didn’t know what was going would be hard pressed to call it that.

 

            Wes brought a glass of orange juice. Angel took it from him and held it while Buffy drank it.

 

            “Whole thing.” He said.

 

            “Yes, Mom,” she teased. She drained the glass and handed it back to Wes. “Wes, if I sleep, don’t let Gunn hurt him, no tranqing him, no locking him up. Let him stay with me.”

 

            Angel stood up. “I’m going to stay with her, protect her.”

 

            Neither Wes nor Gunn mentioned that the only one she’d needed protecting from so far was him.

 

            Angel took her up the stairs and laid her in his bed, tucking her in snugly.  He rummaged in the nightstand and came up with a dusty book of poetry that hadn’t been read in years. He pulled a chair close and turned off the lights and then he read to her, just like he would have years ago.

 

            “Angel,” She said sleepily.

 

            “Yes?” He raised his head to look at her.

 

            “You remember your name.” She smiled.

 

            “Yeah, don’t know why didn’t before.” He said. His words were still stilted but nowhere near the way they had been.

 

            A puzzled look crossed Buffy’s face. “Angel, how do you feel?”

 

            He took a moment to think about it, “Strong, different, everything in its place. Don’t know why though. Been a long time since it felt like this.”

 

            Buffy yawned and whispered “my blood” just before drifting off to sleep.

 

I feel like a pain

Draws me in again

 

 

            When Buffy woke up Angel had moved from his chair beside the bed. She glanced around the dark room. After a moment she saw him, curled up in the corner, hands over his head rocking back and forth muttering to himself.

 

            “Didn’t mean to, didn’t mean it. Sorry, so sorry. Didn’t want to, didn’t want to.  Hurt Buffy, always, Buffy.” He muttered to himself.

 

            Buffy crept over to him, staying crouched low. “Angel, Baby, it’s me, it’s Buffy.” She laid a hand on his shoulder.

 

            He cringed and shrunk further back into the corner. “Hurt Buffy, sorry, didn’t mean to, didn’t mean to.”

 

            Buffy reached up and removed the bandage from her neck. She gently touched the wound there. It was already healing. “No, you didn’t hurt me, Angel. I’m okay. See?” She tried to pry his hand away and place it on her neck. He kept himself wrapped up tightly. She could have forced it, but it probably would have done more damage then good.  She sat down on the floor beside Angel with a sigh. One step forward, two steps back.  She had been so hopeful when she’d drifted off to sleep. She glanced up at the digital clock on the nightstand. She’d been asleep for six hours. In six hours Angel had gone from mostly lucid to huddling in a corner talking to himself again.

 

            Buffy retrieved the book of poetry Angel had been reading to her from.  She flipped on a couple of the lamps, creating just enough light to read by.  She sat back down on the floor next to him. She coaxed him into laying his head on her lap. She ran her fingers through his hair and read his beloved poems to him. By the time she heard sounds of Wes and Gunn moving around downstairs Angel had calmed down some. He was far from lucid but he wasn’t panicked either. She picked his hand up in hers and pressed a kiss to the claddagh ring he still wore.

           

            “Angel, I need to go down and talk to Wes and Gunn. Why don’t you come with me?” Buffy said.

 

            Angel looked up at her, his eyes darting from hers to the door and back again. He ducked his head in a semblance of a nod. She stood up and held her hand out for him. He took it and walked behind her. He walked stoop shouldered, trying to stay drawn inside himself.  Buffy led him downstairs to the hotel lobby.

 

            “Oh, good morning. I was just about to go get Angel’s blood and bring it up to you two. How are you feeling, Buffy?” Wes asked.

 

            “I’m fine, slayer healing and all. I wanted to talk to you and Gunn about something.” She said sitting on the couch and pulling Angel down beside her. He pulled her closer, curling around her and burying his nose in the back of her neck, ineffectively hiding from Gunn and Wes.

 

            “Alright,” Wes settled against the edge of the reception desk. Gunn straddled a chair turned backwards.

 

            “Last night, after Angel drank from me, he was lucid. He remembered his name. He said he felt strong. He said everything was in its place. He recognized the difference between memories, visions and reality. He read a book of poetry to me while I fell asleep. He was almost himself. And then when I woke up this morning, he was like this again.” Buffy said

 

            “Did he have a vision?” Wes asked.

 

            Buffy shrugged. “I don’t know. He didn’t mention it if he had one. He didn’t wake me up yelling for either of you. Isn’t that what he usually does when he has a vision?”

 

            Wes nodded. “Indeed. He knows, even in his worse moments, that he is to call for Gunn or me when he has a vision so we can take care of it. If a vision remains unresolved he has what Gunn and I refer to as vision hangover. The symptoms vary but generally it’s a bad headache or something of that sort coupled with intense guilt that he’s not helping the person the powers want him to. Once the vision is resolved, the person saved or demon killed, the hangover goes away. He hasn’t been lucid enough to tell us if he still gets vision hangovers but we assume he does. Its obvious from his ramblings he still feels intense guilt if the vision is not resolved.”

 

            “So there’s not much of a chance he would have a vision without you knowing it?” Buffy said.

 

            “Not likely.” Gunn said.

 

            Buffy nodded. “Okay then there’s another reason for his lucidity and his decline. I think it was my blood. Last time in Sunnydale it healed him from almost dead to perfect health in a matter of seconds. He was pretty out of it by the time I got back to him then. I know Oz and Willow both said he mistook them for me at least once. I know this is a different matter, but if it could make that big a difference then, couldn’t it now?” Buffy looked up at Wes asking for him to validate her hopes.

 

            “I suppose so, but it’s a moot point.” Wes said.

 

            “Yeah not like you can let him drain you every few hours just to maintain some sort of sanity.” Gunn said.

 

            Buffy sighed. “He didn’t drain me, but you’re right, I can’t let him take that much twice a day.  I’d be weak and worthless as a slayer, but what if he drank his regular rations and then just took a little of my blood with it?”

 

            “There’s no way to know if it would do any good.” Wes said.

 

            “It might and it could have long term effects. Maybe over time the effects would last longer.” Buffy said, digging for any hope.

 

            “What if he doesn’t want to stop at just a little?” Gunn asked.

 

            “I can stop him.” Buffy said.

 

            “Sure as hell didn’t look like it yesterday.” Gunn said.

 

            Buffy glared at him. Angel was drawing up further around her. She could hear him whispering “sorry, sorry, sorry, didn’t mean to hurt Buffy, didn’t mean to.” She captured his hand in hers. “Its okay, Baby, you didn’t hurt me.” She whispered for his ears only. She turned her attention back to Gunn. “If I want to, I can stop him.”

 

            “If you want to?” Gunn said accusingly. “What the hell does that mean?”

 

            “Being bit, by Angel at least, feels good, really good. I could have stopped him sooner yesterday. It might have been messier but I could have.” Buffy said.

 

            Gunn shook his head and looked at her with disgust written all over his features. “That’s just fucked up. He nearly killed you yesterday and you’re sitting there telling me it felt good.”

           

            “You know Gunn, I don’t recall asking your opinion of all this. Let me worry about this. He didn’t nearly kill me and he wouldn’t have. He spent two hundred years knowing exactly how much blood he can drink before a girl dies. He could hear my heart. Angel may not be aware of a lot of things, but he’s aware that I’m here and he loves me. He’s not going to kill me.” Buffy said. She took a deep breath and tried to comfort Angel, who was getting increasingly more agitated as she did.

 

            “I’m going to try this. I can’t sit by and do nothing knowing that there’s something I can do to help him, even if it is temporarily. “Buffy said.

 

            “I have a suggestion then.” Wes said.

 

            “Alright,”

 

            “I’ll cut back on his rations a bit and you wait until he’s eaten before you let him feed on you. He won’t be as hungry then and it will be easier for you to stop him.” Wes said.

 

            Buffy nodded. “Okay, so let’s give him breakfast.”

 Chapter Seven

 

            It took a long time to convince Angel to bite Buffy again. In the end she hauled off and punched him until the demon came to the surface. Once it did Buffy grabbed him by the back of his neck and shoved his mouth into her neck. He couldn’t resist he sunk his fangs into her neck. He was careful. It was clear when he pulled away after just a few long pulls that Angel was the one in control not the demon. He licked at the wound until it had stopped bleeding. The change in lucidity was remarkable and almost instantaneous.

 

            “ Okay? Take too much?” Angel asked.

 

            She smiled at him. “I’m fine, look at me exhibiting all my fineness.”

 

            “Drink some juice at least and eat something.” He said.

 

            She chuckled at his concern. “Okay but really I’m fine. Hardly even dizzy feeling. You didn’t take too much, don’t worry.”

 

            But he did worry.  There was an odd satisfaction to seeing his mark, raw, fresh and open on her neck again. That worried him and he felt guilty about it.

 

            “Angel, please, don’t clutter this up with worry and pain.  Just let it be.” She said.

 

            She insisted she didn’t need her neck bandaged. It had stopped bleeding and it would begin healing in a few hours. She didn’t mention that he would also be opening it again by nightfall. She was going to have to buy a lot more scarves. It wasn’t that the wound bothered her, in fact she took perverse pleasure in having his mark, fresh and angry, adorn her neck, but the general public would look at her with horror and pity.

 

            Buffy took Angel by the hand and led him to the big wingback chair in his room. He sat down. She crawled up in his lap and curled into him. She rested her head against his shoulder and took a deep breathe. She let it out with an unmistakable sound of contentment.

 

            “I’ve missed this.” She said.

 

            He smiled and wrapped his arms tighter around her. “Me too.”

 

            Her lips found his of their own accord. She closed her eyes and soaked in the way he felt on her mouth. His lips were cool, the perfect compliment to her own skin which always felt so hot in comparison. He tugged on her bottom lip. Her fingers found the buttons of his shirt of their own accord. She sighed in contentment and pleasure as she spread her hands over his bare chest.  His hands worked their way under her shirt, sliding up her back, pulling her closer. She reveled in the feel of his hands on her bare skin.  In an instant his hands were gone. His breath was coming fast and ragged. She pushed herself off his lap with an audible gulp. There was still the pesky problem of Angel’s soul. It was a brick wall they kept running into and it hurt more every time they hit it.

 

            “Sorry, it’s been to long. I got carried away.” Buffy said.

 

            Angel nodded. “Me too, couldn’t help it.”

 

            Buffy chuckled. “It seems to be a never changing issue in our relationship, not that that’s a bad thing. I mean I ‘d worry if we didn’t want each other but…” she trailed off.

 

            “Relationship?” Angel croaked.

 

            “Well, no I mean of course not, you’ve probably got things here and back in Sunnydale-“ Buffy started.

 

            “You probably have a boyfriend.” Angel said.

 

            Buffy laughed again. “No, no boyfriend. I’ve learned Buffy and boys plus relationships equal a very unmixy thing.”

 

            “So you don’t want a relationship?” Angel asked.

 

            Buffy looked at him. She blinked, obviously confused. “Define with who?”

 

            “Well, I thought we were talking about a relationship with me and you. Or, maybe not. It’s-things are still muddled up here.” He tapped his temple.

 

            “No, we were. I mean I think maybe we were. Are we talking friendship relationship or love relationship or deep everlasting soul mate relationship?” Buffy looked at Angel, her eyes meeting his. “Never mind, ignore the question. We only do one kind of relationship. It’s deep everlasting soul mates with us or nothing.”

 

            Angel smiled at her. “Doesn’t answer my question.”

 

            “Sorry, it’s taking a little while to process. Angel, all I’ve ever seen in my future is you. All I’ve ever wanted is you. I told you once I couldn’t change, I was never going to change. That’s still true. I haven’t changed. I’ve tried but I can’t. Maybe you and I don’t work perfectly, maybe it’s not all flowers and fluffy puppies, but me without you doesn’t work at all.” Buffy said.

 

            “So, how do we do this?” Angel said.

 

            “Do what?”

 

            “Me, you and the insanity problems I’m having.” Angel said.

 

            “Well, I think we’ve figured out the insanity problem. It’s not perfect but until I can think of something else, it’s a temporary fix.” Buffy said.

 

            Angel shook his head. “I can’t just keep taking blood from you, Buffy.”

 

            “Why not?” She asked.

 

            “Because it’ll weaken you over time, it’ll make my cravings for human blood worse. It makes the demon harder to control. Besides, I haven’t had a vision. That’s when I really lose my mind. It might not hold up after a vision.” Angel said.

 

            “No big deal. I’ll make more.” Buffy said.

 

            “No, I don’t like this.” Angel said.

 

            “And I don’t like letting you live in the condition you were living in. I can’t live with myself knowing there is something I can do to help.” Buffy protested.

 

            Angel sighed. This was not an argument either one of them were going to win.  “How long will this last, the lucidity?”

 

            Buffy shrugged. “Six hours last time. I hope it’ll build on itself and you’ll have longer and longer periods of time. Maybe eventually it will be permanent.”

 

            “And if it’s not?” Angel asked.

 

            “Then we deal. I’m not worried about it. When all this started, Wes told me you lost. I told him I’d find you and I will. No matter what I will always find you because if you’re lost then all the parts of me that you hold are lost.” Buffy said.

 

            Angel pulled her back into his arms. He clung to her, as if she could keep him from slipping back into the oblivion of his mind. He was holding on to her when he fell to his knees, dragging her with him. He clasped his hands to his head and started screaming.

 

            “Wes!” Buffy screamed. She knelt down next to Angel, trying to cradle him, trying to ease some of his pain.

 

            “1213 Lincoln, hurry, hurry. Girl- he’s going to get her. Have to stop them-help the girl. She’s dying-1213 Lincoln-1213.” Angel muttered once he had stopped screaming.

 

            Wes burst through the door.

 

            “Vision, 1213 Lincoln he says. There’s a girl and I don’t know what else.” Buffy said.

 

            Wes knelt down next to Buffy and Angel. “Angel, can you hear me? What’s trying to hurt the girl?”

 

            “Vampires-Elizabeth-help her-dying-help her-1213 Lincoln.” Angel muttered.

 

            Buffy glanced at Wes. “Stay here with him. Gunn and I will take care of this.”

 

            “I don’t like letting you two go out alone.” Wes said.

 

            “And I don’t like him being left alone. I’m the slayer, Wes. Gunn and I have this.” Buffy said.

 

            “Alright then. Call if you need anything.” Wes said reluctantly.

 

            Buffy stood up and cast a look at Angel lying in a fetal position on the floor. “Just-don’t tranq him unless he tries to hurt you.”

 

            Wes nodded. Buffy ran down the stairs. She grabbed a handful of stakes from the weapons cabinet. “Come on, Gunn, vision time. You know where 1213 Lincoln is?”

 

            Gunn nodded. “Yeah that’s my old neighborhood.”

 

            “We need to get there fast, help someone named Elizabeth.” Buffy said.

 

            1213 Lincoln turned out to be an old grocery store. It was abandoned. The windows were boarded over. “Looks like a vamp nest to me.” Gunn said.

 

            Buffy nodded. She glanced around her. The street was pretty deserted. “So, if they have a girl in there, it’s highly likely they are up and about. I’m not feeling real sneaky or time consume-y. You have a problem with breaking and entering?”

 

            Gunn looked at her puzzled. “Into a vamp nest, hell no, but sneaky generally goes with breaking and entering, doesn’t it?”

 

            “Not the way I do it.”  Buffy said walking up to the boarded over windows. She assessed the windows once more. The boards were cheap particle board. It only took one well place sidekick to splinter the window covering. Sunlight poured in and sent vampires on fire scurrying for the shadows. Buffy shattered the other boarded up window and walked in, stake in hand.

 

            “Rise and shine.” She said looking around. There were six vamps. One girl hung from chains in the center of the room. Buffy smiled. Sunlight washed over the girl.

 

            Gunn moved to help the girl down. Buffy stalked into the corners where the vamps cowered.

 

            “Slayer, I didn’t think you came up this way.” One of them hissed.

 

            Buffy shrugged. “What can I say? I’m an equal opportunity slayer.” She easily blocked a right hook and threw a jab of her own. She knocked one vamp into the sunlight with a well placed back kick. It threw her slightly off balance and she caught another vamp’s fist to the jaw. She fell, catching herself with her hands and pushed back up immediately. A roundhouse kick sent another vamp into the sunlight. She heard him scream but she wasn’t sure if Gunn had gotten him or the sun had.  For a moment, Buffy was a flurry of fists and feet and then there was just dust.

 

            She stuck her stake in the back of her pants and dusted her hands off. She and Gunn stepped out into the sunlight. The girl, Elizabeth, shivered in the warm rays.

 

            “Thank you. They’ve-what were they? I was headed home last night and they grabbed me-I-what was wrong with them?” Elizabeth asked. Her eyes were wide and frantic.

 

            “Just go home. After dark make sure you stick to well populated areas. Don’t go into alleys with anyone you don’t know. Better yet, stay home after dark if you can. Now go.” Buffy said. She shooed the girl down the street.

 

            Gunn glanced at her and cocked an eyebrow her way.

 

            Buffy sighed. “Sorry, rude much I know. I’m just anxious to get back and check on Angel. He was doing really good before the vision.”

 

            Gunn stared at the angry wound on her neck, but he didn’t say anything. If she wanted to be a buffet for a bloodsucker, that was her business. He figured as the slayer she knew what she was getting into.

 

            Buffy sat on the edge of her seat all the way back to the hotel. She was out of Gunn’s truck before it even stopped. She took the stairs up to Angel’s room two at a time. Wes was sitting in the chair, tranquilizer gun loose in his hand. He nodded when she walked in.

 

            “I didn’t have to use it. Did you save her?” Wes asked.

 

            “Yeah, she’s fine, a little shook up but alive.” Buffy said as she edged around the bed to the corner Angel was curled up in.

 

            “Buffy dead, Buffy dead, Buffy gone, killed Buffy. Didn’t mean to-didn’t want to. Hurt-just meant to take a little, killed Buffy.” Angel muttered and rocked back and forth.

 

            Buffy knelt next to him. His eyes were open but he wasn’t seeing her. She reached out to touch him and he jerked away, scrambling further into the corner. “Gone-gone-drank her down. Dead now, my fault, dead now. Always, always, always.” Angel whispered. There was an almost sing song quality to his voice that was haunting.

 

            “Angel, baby. I’m here. I’m not dead. I’m right here.” Buffy whispered.

           

            Angel shook his head. Tears glistened on his cheeks. “No, not real-can’t be-killed her-gone now-gone-gone. Buffy’s dead, Buffy’s gone-my fault-always.” Angel repeated.

 

            Buffy sighed. She never heard Wes leave the room. Buffy reached out to touch Angel again and he flinched, drawing as far back into himself as he could.

 

            “Don’t touch don’t touch don’t touch don’t touch. Not real-can’t touch if not real-Buffy’s gone.” When he said the last he looked up into Buffy’s eyes, seeming to see her for the first time since she’d entered the room. The pain and pleading there was heart wrenching. Buffy bit her lip to keep from collapsing into sobs. She sat back on her haunches, a foot away from him and stared. Her every action seemed to elicit a more violent reaction from him.

 

            She stood up, new determination in her eyes. She rummaged through drawers until she found a dagger. It just took one sharp swipe across her wrist and blood started flowing freely. She shoved her wrist toward Angel. She hoped in his condition he’d take it and feed from her.

 

            Angel covered his face with both his hands. He shook his head and muttered no, no, no to himself over and over. When that didn’t make the blood go away he shoved Buffy hard. She wasn’t ready for it and she fell on her back, smacking her head against the floor. Stars swam around her head, the impact, plus the loss of blood, encouraged darkness to encroach her mind.

She blinked a couple of times and shook her head. She sat up slowly and offered her wrist again, less aggressively this time.

 

            “No! No! No! Won’t do it again! Can’t kill Buffy again! Noooooooooo!” Angel screamed at the top of his lungs.  He started banging his head against the wall, hard.

 

            The scream brought Gunn and Wes thundering into the room. Buffy sat with her head resting against the wall, sobs racked her body and the blood from her wrist still flowed freely.  Wes took charge immediately.

 

            “Gunn, take her downstairs, bandage up the wrist. I’ll handle Angel.” Wes said.

 

            Gunn swept Buffy up in his arms. She struggled weakly but her life, her consciousness was dripping out onto the floor at an alarming pace.  As they walked down the stairs, Buffy giggled hysterically. She could hear the wet sound as the blood fell to the stairs and the lobby floor in big, fat drops.  Gunn shook his head and watched her carefully. He laid her down on the reception desk. Lately it had been an ideal doctor’s table.

 

            Buffy turned her head and watched Gunn through glazed eyes. She giggled again. It was a weak, hollow sound. She was losing so much blood so fast. “Ok, sleepy now, buh bye.” She said as she closed her eyes. The last thing she whispered before she passed out was “Gone now-Buffy’s gone-always.”

           

 

           

Chapter Eight

 

            Buffy woke up with a massive headache. She felt dizzy and weak.  Her wrist hurt. She glanced down. It was swathed in gauze.  She sat up slowly. She was on the couch in the hotel lobby. Wes was sitting at the desk immersed in books. He looked up when she sat.

 

 

            “How do you feel?” He asked.

 

 

            Buffy shook her head. “How is he?” Her eyes drifted up the stairs to Angel’s room.

 

 

            Wes sighed and rubbed his temple. “I had to tranquilize him, Buffy. I know you didn’t want me too but it was a necessity.”

 

 

            Buffy sighed. “Did he attack you?”

 

 

            “No, he busted his head open on the wall.  He wasn’t hurting anyone but himself.” Wes said.

 

 

            Buffy nodded. She was pale. Her clothes were still splattered with blood. She started to stand up, a wave of dizziness crashed over her. She sat back down abruptly. “Wes, I have to do something. I don’t know why the Powers would allow-“

 

 

            “Of course!” Wes said jumping to his feet. “Why didn’t I think about that before? Too close to the situation I suppose.”

 

 

            “Wanna clue me in?” Buffy asked.

 

 

            “Of course, pardon me.  The Powers that be have conduits, Oracles. Angel contacted them a couple of times before. I don’t even know if I could do it honestly. Only a champion of the Powers is allowed to approach them but-“ Wes started.

 

 

            “I’d say the Slayer qualifies as a champion of the Powers. How do I contact them?” Buffy said.

 

 

            “There’s a gate underneath the Post Office.” Wes said. “I’ll have to find the proper spell but I know it’s in a book here somewhere.”

 

 

            “The gateway to the Powers that Be is underneath the Post Office?” Buffy asked.

 

 

            “Yes, well. It makes sense if you think about it.” Wes said flipping through books.

 

 

            “Whatever. I’m going up to check on Angel. You find the spell. I want to do this tonight.” Buffy said. She got up slowly and stood still for a moment. She walked up the stairs through sheer willpower, hanging tightly to the stair railing as she went. She held onto the railing until she got to Angel’s door. She transferred her weight to the doorknob of the door, only letting go of the railing when she had a firm grip on the doorknob. She pushed open the door and stagger-stumbled to the bed where Angel was laid out.

 

 

            She sat down on the bed heavily.  She upgraded that to lying on the bed when the dizziness didn’t pass. Buffy traced her fingers over Angel’s face. She sighed. His mind might be shattered but he was still the most beautiful thing she had ever seen in this world or in heaven. She supposed that was rude or offensive to whatever power resided over Heaven, or maybe not since it was probably the same power that created the beautiful creature lying next to her on the bed.

 

 

            Buffy turned on her side and snuggled against Angel. In his drugged sleep he was complacent but he still seemed to recognize her presence. His arm wrapped around her waist and pulled her close. Buffy let her eyelids slide closed. Wes would come get her when he’d found the spell, besides she couldn’t exactly greet these Oracles if she couldn’t stand on her own two feet.

 

 

            Buffy woke to a high pitched keening noise. She clapped her hands over her ears. Angel was curled up in the corner, rocking and making the noise. She’d never heard anything like it. It was almost the sound of a rabbit or other animal in great pain.

 

 

            The noise brought Wes to the room. “Good Heavens. What happened?” he asked looking bewildered from Buffy to Angel.

 

 

            “I fell asleep next to him. I guess he woke up and I scared him?” Buffy offered. She crouched next to Angel and tried to touch him. He jerked away and started banging his head against the wall. There was a blood stain already there from his earlier episode.

 

 

            “Angel, baby, Angel stop. Honey, I need you to stop.” Buffy tried to talk to him in calm comforting tones. He wasn’t even using words now just that keening noise and it was obvious Angel was in the room but there was no one there in his mind.  “Wes, do something!” She said.

 

 

            Wes shook his head. “Tranquilizer?” he suggested.

 

 

            Buffy bit her bottom lip and tears welled in her eyes but she nodded her head. Wes raised the gun and shot Angel squarely in the arm. He shot him again before Angel finally slumped over on the floor.

 

 

            Buffy swallowed her tears and gathered Angel up under his arms. She lifted but she didn’t have the strength, not as weak as she was. A sob caught in her throat. “Wes, help me get him up on the bed.”

 

 

            Once they had Angel securely in bed, Buffy sat down pale and shaky on the edge of the bed. She looked up at Wes. “Did you find the spell?”

 

            Wes nodded. “I did.”

 

 

            Buffy stood, staying on her feet by willpower alone. “Let’s go then.”

 

 

            “Buffy, you don’t look well. Perhaps we should wait a few hours. You can eat something and take a nap.” Wes suggested.

 

 

            Buffy shook her head. “No, Wes. I want to do this now. Every minute Angel has to live the way he is, is one minute too long.”

 

 

            “Buffy, I really think-“

 

 

            “Wes, I really don’t care.” Buffy said as she started walking to the bedroom door.

 

 

            Wes had no choice but to follow her.

 

 

           

 

            *

 

 

            Wes threw a handful of powder at the brazier. It blazed into life. The gateway glowed with a pure white light.

 

 

            “You’re in.” Wes said. He handed her a small jade figurine. “Eighth century Chinese, their tribute.”

 

 

            “Thanks, Wes.” Buffy smiled and ran into the light.

 

 

 

            She stumbled and caught herself. She glanced around the huge room. There was a hallway that stretched to literal infinity in front of her. Two beings came down this hallway. Their skin was an odd metallic color. They had bluish green swirls painted all over it. They wore deep blue togas.  There was male and a female. The female spoke first.

 

 

            “Greetings Lower Being.” She said.

 

 

            Buffy arched her eyebrow at the female. “Excuse me, I have a name. It’s Buffy, the vampire slayer and you are?”

 

 

            “My name is inconsequential. I am an oracle for the Powers that be.” The female said.

 

 

            “What have you brought us?” The male said.

 

 

            “Ooo, so you do want the shiny new present I brought you.” Buffy said as she tossed it up in the air. The male snatched it out of the air with a tiny motion of his fingers.

 

 

            “Ok, so it’s time to get down to business.” Buffy said. “I want you to fix Angel.”

 

 

            The female chuckled. “Angel, the vampire with a soul.”

 

 

            “The one and only, warrior for the Powers that Be, champion of light. The visions are driving him insane. They are shattering his mind. Wes says you have the power to make this right so make it right.” Buffy said.

 

 

            “It is not our concern.” The female said.

 

 

            “Not your concern? How the hell can it not be your concern? You gave him the visions take them back.” Buffy yelled.

 

 

            “How dare you speak to us so.” The male said. He flicked his wrist and sent Buffy flying against the marble wall. She hit her head with a loud thunk and fell to the floor. Buffy closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The room swam before her. She struggled to her feet. She swayed for a second before getting her balance back.

 

 

            “Okay, rude much? I had this whole thing where I lost a lot of blood today, could we avoid slinging me across the room?” Buffy said.

 

 

            “You have no respect for higher beings.” The male’s voice was cold and hard.

 

 

            “I have no respect for anyone who would do something like what you’ve done to Angel. It’s killing him.” Buffy said.

 

 

            The female shrugged. “When one seer dies, another is sent. You should understand this concept.”

 

 

            Buffy stared at the Oracle in disbelief. “He’s-Angel is-he’s immortal. His soul is so good and so pure and-he’s not just a seer. He’s a warrior for the powers that be. He’s got the capacity for so much good. Why did you save him that Christmas morning if you were just going to do this to

him? This can not be his great destiny.”

 

 

            “These are the burdens we must bear.” The female oracle said.

 

 

            “No! I refuse to accept that you’re just going to let him die.” Buffy said.

           

 

            “As you said, he is immortal. The visions will not kill him.” The male said.

 

 

            “The visions might not kill him but what about the stake he shoves through his heart because they are driving him insane?” Buffy yelled.

 

 

            “Then he is not strong enough to bear the burden, again this is not our concern. When he dies the visions will pass to another.” The female said.

 

 

            “No!” Buffy screamed at the top of her lungs. The sound echoed in the cavernous room. She took a deep breath. “If you loose him, you loose a great warrior for your cause. There might be another seer but he’s the only vampire with a soul.”

 

 

            “And who would you have take on the visions? Will you pick up that burden for him?” The female asked.

 

 

            “Yes,” Buffy said without hesitation.

 

 

            “Even if it kills you?” The female said.

 

 

            “You really don’t know much about Angel and I if you think something as minor as my death is going to keep me from saving him. I would give my life if it meant he had one more minute on this earth. Give me the visions already.” Buffy said.

 

 

            The female looked at the male. He rolled his eyes and turned the other way.  The female turned back to Buffy. “You are needed elsewhere. The Powers have not divided the two of you simply for amusement.”

 

 

            Buffy laughed. It came out a gruff, harsh bark. “Well that’s good to know because I was actually beginning to wonder.”

 

 

            “You will have your reward in the end mortal.” The female said.

 

 

            “Yeah, I know going to Heaven. Been there done that and hey do you think I could get a tee shirt because you know not everyone can make that claim.” Buffy said.

 

 

            The female looked her up and down. She cocked her head and smiled. “He has not told you. When you return ask the Watcher about the prophecy and the reward. We will send him another seer. You must return to where you are needed.” The female waved her hand and threw Buffy back through the door. She rolled, coming to a stop inside the cave beneath the post office. She sat up with a groan and rubbed her head.

 

 

            “I’m beginning to think stamping Fragile on my forehead might not be such a bad idea.” Buffy said.

 

 

            Wes offered his hand and helped Buffy to her feet. She was woozy. He caught her under the arm. She leaned against him. “How did it go?” Wes asked.

 

 

            “They are supposed to send him a seer. They’ll take the visions.” Buffy said. It came out a mere whisper, weak and shaky.

 

           

 

 

Chapter Nine

            Buffy shifted in the front seat. She was still wearing the clothes she’d bled all over.  She felt gross and she was exhausted. She wanted nothing more then to check on Angel, get a hot shower, clean pj’s and to crawl in bed and sleep, for a week.

 

            “Wes, the Oracle told me to ask you something about a prophecy and a reward. What’s she talking about?” Buffy asked.

 

            Wes stared at the road ahead of him. He opened his mouth to speak a couple of times and then shut it. Finally he said, “It’s really Angel’s to tell you. When he first found out he discussed it with me, whether he should tell you or not. He decided that it was best if he didn’t.”

 

            “Didn’t tell me what? Come on, Wes. Spill the beans, the Oracle thought I should know about it.” Buffy figured that had to count for something.

 

            “Why don’t we just wait until Angel wakes up? If he doesn’t feel up to telling you, I promise I’ll tell you about it.” Wes reasoned.

 

            Buffy sighed. She was too tired for this. “Fine, but if he doesn’t feel like it, I don’t care if there’s an apocalypse, you’re telling me.”

 

            “Very well,” Wes agreed.

 

            Buffy checked in on Angel when they got back to the hotel. He was still sleeping soundly. Gunn was in the training room working out. Buffy took a hot shower and crawled into bed. She was asleep before her head hit the pillow.

 

            Buffy struggled against waking up. Her dream was warm and wonderful. She turned over and yawned. She opened her eyes a slit. Directly in her line of vision was a black silk clad chest that seemed awfully familiar. She opened her eyes all the way and smiled.

           

            Angel rested on one elbow. He looked down at her and smiled. He brushed a strand of hair out of her face. She looked into his deep chocolate brown eyes and saw his soul.

 

            “Angel,” she whispered.

 

            “I’ve missed hearing you say my name. No one else says it like you.” His voice was deep and rumbley.

 

            “Oh, God, I missed you so much.” She buried her face in his chest.

 

            His hands rubbed her back and he kissed the top of her head. “I’m back now.” He ran his fingers along her jaw and tilted his face up to his. “What did you do?”

 

            “I went to talk to the oracles.” She said.

 

            “And?” he urged her.

 

            “I got them to take your visions back. They’re sending you a new seer.” Buffy said.

 

            “Did they tell you who?” Angel asked.

 

            Buffy shook her head. “Angel, the Oracle told me something.”

 

            Angel grew very still. “About what?”

 

            “She said to ask you about a prophecy and a reward.” Buffy said.

 

            Angel sighed. He pulled back a little.  He cleared his throat. “A few years ago, not long after I’d gotten the visions, Wes found prophecy. Actually, I stole the prophecy from Wolfram and Hart. I was there to get something else and this scroll just called to me. I had to take it.  It took Wes a little while to translate it. I’m not even sure if he ever translated the whole thing. I sort of started getting confused and losing it before then.” Angel looked into Buffy’s eyes and took a deep breath.

 

            “There is a prophecy that says once I’ve redeemed myself, adverted some apocalypses, saved however many people-“ Angel stopped.

 

            Buffy nodded, encouraging him to keep talking. “It’s okay, you can tell me.”

 

            “The prophecy when translated literally says the vampire with a soul will live to die.”

 

            Buffy looked at him confused. “I don’t get it. How is that a reward?”

 

            “I’ll live so that I can die one day. I’ll be human one day.” Angel said.

 

            Buffy held her breath. She couldn’t breathe. She covered her mouth with her hands and tears glittered in her eyes. Finally she took one breath and it turned into tears. She wrapped her arms around Angel’s neck and buried her face in the crook there. “Wes is sure? There isn’t a loophole or a way around this like with the codex?” Buffy finally spoke.

 

            “As sure as he can be about an ancient prophecy,” Angel said.

 

            Buffy nodded, her face still buried in Angel’s neck. She was unwilling to let him go, unwilling to step outside of this room and have everything disappear. “That’s it? You keep up the good fight and poof your human?” Buffy’s voice was pitched, afraid to hope.

 

            “As far as we can tell,” Angel said.

 

            Buffy shook her head, tears fell down her cheeks. “That can’t be it. I’ve dreamed this to many times.”

 

            “I didn’t tell you before, because there’s no time frame on it. It could happen tomorrow or a hundred years from now. You might not-“ Angel started.

 

            Buffy silenced him with her lips. He started to protest but he’d never had any willpower when it came to kissing Buffy. Her hands slid over his chest. She made little mewling sounds and  undid the buttons on his shirt with nimble fingers, hot little hands over cool marble muscles and skin.  She sighed into his mouth and arched up as he pulled her closer. She would never get tired of the way his hands, so much bigger then her own, felt on her skin.

 

            Angel captured the edge of Buffy’s tee shirt and pulled it up over her head, gilding her skin with his hands as he went.  She was bare underneath her shirt and she sighed with relief as the cool skin of his chest chilled her own fevered skin.  She’d forgotten what it felt like to breathe, being next to Angel, his bare skin against hers, reminded her. This was the only time she could really truly breathe, when he was next to her.

 

            Buffy nipped along the edge of Angel’s collarbone, savoring the cool taste of his skin. She paused at his jugular vein and smiled faintly, imagining what it would be like to feel a pulse there, thrumming against her lips.  She took a deep breath of him and imagined what it would be like to add the smell of sunshine to the intoxicating smell of Angel.  She giggled and whispered “Human Angel, I can’t wait to see you in the sunlight.”

 

            Angel took a deep breath and sat up, pulling away from Buffy. His breathing was ragged and uneven. “Me either, but until then soul is still a problem.”

 

            “Shit,” Buffy muttered under her breath. “Sorry, I got carried away.”

 

            Angel nodded. “There always has been a lot of that between us.”

 

            “Yeah,” Buffy sighed. Angel scooted over near her and wrapped his arms around her.

 

            “Thank you, for going to see the Oracles, for taking care of me, for letting me drink you. Every time I need saving, you’re there.” Angel said kissing the top of her head.

 

            “I’ll always be there. That’s why we’re forever, hell Angel, we’re longer then forever.” Buffy turned her face up to his and stared into his eyes, through his eyes into his soul. Tears gathered in the back of her throat and she looked away. It was too much.

 

            “Where do we go from here, Buffy?” Angel asked. His voice was quiet and soft in the almost dark room.

 

            “I don’t know but I know where I don’t want to go. I don’t want to be years hearing from you. I don’t want to have to wonder if you’re okay.” Buffy said.

 

            Angel nodded. “I’m sorry about that.”

 

            Buffy chuckled softly. “It’s okay. You were a little occupied.”

 

            “Going insane will do that to you.” Angel said with a chuckle. He grew serious after a moment. “I can’t see you every day. I can’t smell you and touch you and not want you.”

 

            Buffy swallowed hard. Her heart pounded in her ears. She nodded. “I know. It’s too hard. Dammit, I knew I should have asked the Oracles to anchor your soul while I was there.”

 

            “What you did-was-there are no words for how thankful I am to you for talking to them. I couldn’t have stood it much longer. Eventually I would have opened the window and waited for the sun. The only thing that stopped me thus far was you. I thought you were in Heaven and I wanted to make sure when my soul left my body it would go to yours.”

 

            Buffy laid her hand against Angel’s cheek. She pressed a light kiss to his lips. “I was in Heaven, but I would have known it if your soul had left your body and I would have found it, no matter where it was.”

 

            “Hell’s not a very pretty place, Buffy.” Angel said.

 

            She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. I would have found you. Where ever you are lost, I will find you, always.”

 

            There was a soft knock on the door. “Come in,” Buffy said.

 

            Wes stepped inside. He held the cordless phone. “Buffy, Mr. Giles is on the phone. He’d like to talk to you.”

           

            “Thanks, Wes.” Buffy held the phone to her ear, “Giles?”

 

            “Buffy, I hate to bother you but I believe we could use a slayer here for a few days at least.” Giles said.

 

            “What’s wrong?” Buffy said, instantly concerned.

 

            “It seems word has spread that you are on vacation. Vampire attacks and risings have been, well, on the rise. Xander, Willow and I have managed to keep the number of newborns down. I know Angel is ill, but perhaps if you could spend a couple of nights down here it would help.” Giles said.

 

            “Angel is okay now and I’ll leave in the morning.” Buffy said.

 

            “Oh, well very good then and thank you.” Giles said.

 

            “No problem, Giles. Is Dawnie okay?” she asked.

 

            “Dawn is quite well. She’s staying with Xander right now.”

 

            “Ok, see you tomorrow then.” Buffy said hanging up the phone. She turned to Angel with a slight smile. “It seems destiny is intervening yet again to keep us apart.”

 

            Angel smiled slightly. “It always does.”

 

            “But this is of the good, because of the touching and the wanting.” Buffy said.

 

            Angel nodded. “You’re coming back though?”

 

            “You want me too?” Buffy asked, looking up at him fear evident in her hazel eyes.

 

            He pulled her close inside the circle of his arms. “I want you too.” His voice had grown husky with desire in the space of a breath.

 

            “I love when your voice sounds like that, all want-y and needy.” She smiled up at him.

 

            He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Want-y and needy are big issues around you.”

 

            “Here too.”

 

            “I know you have to leave in the morning, but will you stay with me until then?” Angel asked. His voice was heartbreaking, sounding so little boy lost that it brought tears to Buffy’s eyes. She wanted to smother his face with kisses and tell him she’d stay with him forever.

 

            She merely nodded. They lay down on the bed together, his body curled around hers.  Buffy whispered in the dark, “you know I can stop demons, vampires, hell goddesses and even death, one of these days I’m going to figure out how to stop the sunrise.”

 

            Angel shook his head. “No, I love seeing you in the daylight, even if I have to hide in the shadows. You’re my sunshine, in the shape of a girl.”

 

            She smiled and dreamed of a day she wouldn’t be his only sunshine.

 

 

Chapter Ten

           Buffy knocked on Giles’ front door. She had left Angel less then three hours ago with a promise that she’d be back to visit within a couple of weeks. He had promised to call her as soon as he found out who his new seer was. Buffy wasn’t entirely sure she trusted the Oracles to keep their word.

 

 

            Giles opened the door. He smiled at her and stepped back. Buffy walked inside. Willow, Xander and Dawn were already there.

 

 

            “Hey, Buff. Good to have you back.” Xander said.

 

 

            “It’s nice to be back.” Buffy said with a smile.

 

 

            “So Angel isn’t all crazy anymore?” Willow asked.

 

 

            Buffy shook her head. “Nope he was as sane as-well as he was before I guess. I don’t know. Anyway he’s his normal Angel-y self.”

 

 

            “What happened?” Giles asked.

 

 

            Buffy sat down on the couch and curled her legs up underneath her. “You remember the guy who had the vision about me four years ago? Doyle? When Angel came here for Thanksgiving and no one saw fit to tell me?”

 

 

            Giles cleared his throat and took his glasses off. He cleaned them with his handkerchief. “Yes,

I remember the time well.”

 

 

            “Thought you would, Anyway, Doyle died and passed his visions to Angel. Apparently these visions are pretty surround sound. He feels, smells, and tastes what the people in the visions do. It’s almost as if he is that person, plus wicked painful headaches. Combine all that with a century and a half of guilt and a gypsy curse you get insane Angel. Anyway, there was no cure for it.  He-“Buffy lowered her head. Her hand instinctively went to the right side of her neck, where Angel’s bite still law angry and red. It was healing but it was still only a day old. “I fed him. My blood made him lucid for a little while but when the effects wore off he thought he’d killed me. It did a lot more damage then good.  So I went to talk to the Oracles.” Buffy said.

 

 

            “Good Heavens, Buffy. The Oracles? The direct conduit for the Powers that Be?” Giles said.

 

 

            “Shiny gold guys with nifty swirly tattoos?” Buffy said.

 

 

 

            Giles shook his head. “I don’t know. I’ve never seen a picture of the Oracles.”

 

 

            “They were rude. Anyway, I was rude back and finally convinced them that Angel was more use to them sane and to give the visions to someone else. He’s supposed to get a new seer within a couple of days.” Buffy said.

 

 

            Giles looked rather perplexed. “How did you convince them?” Giles asked. There was concern in his voice.

 

 

            Buffy shook her head. “Come on, Giles. You know how stubborn I can be.”

 

 

 

            “Yeah and plus Angel equals extra stubborn.” Willow said.

 

 

            Buffy smiled at Willow. “So what’s up, Giles? Why the need for a Slayer?”

 

 

            “A vampire nest. They seem to need reminding that a Slayer lives on this particular Hellmouth.” Giles said.

 

 

            “Okay, so we remind.” Buffy said. “Where is it?”

 

 

            “An old warehouse down near the docks.” Giles said.

 

 

            Buffy wrinkled her nose. “Like they couldn’t find a warehouse to move into that didn’t carry that fishy smell. Okay, so I hit it just before sundown, maybe catch them sleepy.”

 

 

            Giles nodded. “Are you planning on returning to LA?” There was a hint of disapproval in Giles’ voice.

 

 

            Buffy shook her head. “Only to visit. Angel and I-we don’t work together but we don’t work apart either. We’re trying to do a see you sometimes talk to you occasionally type thing.” She shrugged.

 

 

            Willow smiled a little sadly. “Still a curse issue?”

 

 

            Buffy took a deep breath and let it out as she spoke, “Oh yeah, in a big way. But there was a bit of a bright spot besides the Angel’s sane again one.”

 

 

            “Yeah?” Willow said.

 

 

            Buffy nodded. “Something called Sushi or sanshi maybe shoeshine, I’m not sure. Anyway it’s a prophecy. It says that after Angel finishes jumping through all Powers hoops that he gets to be human.”

 

 

            “Wow,” Willow said.

 

 

            Buffy nodded.

 

 

            “So one day if Deadboy is real good he’ll get to be a real boy.” Xander said.

 

 

            Buffy smirked at him. “Something like that.”

 

 

           

 

            Buffy made the same sort of entrance into Sunnydale’s vamp nest that she had in LA’s.  The sun was lower. She only managed to kill one vamp out of the five with the sun. That made the odds more even for her. Giles took one out with a cross bow. Willow and Xander staked another. Buffy dusted the other two in short order. She made a show of yawning and dusted her hands off. “Maybe we should have let one go so it could run to all its friends and tell them the slayer’s back in town.”

 

 

            Giles chuckled. “I’m sure the word will spread quickly enough.”

 

 

            “You guys go on home. I know you’ve been extra vigilant with the patrol since I’ve been gone. Watch out for Dawn; make sure she does her homework. I’m going to do a sweep of some of the cemeteries.” Buffy said.

 

 

            “You sure?” Xander asked.

 

 

            “Yup, positive. Go on; tell Dawnie I’ll be home later.” Buffy said.

 

 

            “Alright, you’re the boss.” Xander said with a mock salute.

 

 

            Buffy watched them get into Giles’ car. Once they were out of sight Buffy started toward the

first cemetery. Things were wild. She staked three vamps before she ever got inside the gates of Sunny Rest.

 

 

            “Geez, take a mini vacation and you guys set up shop in full force. I’m glad you missed me. I mean a girl always likes to be missed but next time you should really go for a card.” Buffy punned as she ducked a hook punch from her fourth vampire.  She grabbed the vamp’s wrist and flipped him on his back. She plunged the stake into his heart.

 

 

            She meandered through the headstones on full alert. Things had been much too hairy to relax. A scream sounded from the north end of the cemetery. Buffy put on a burst of speed and ran as fast as she could in the direction. There was vamp bent over a girl. He had smacked the girl’s boyfriend into a tree trunk. The poor guy was shaking his head, obviously seeing stars.

 

 

            “You never call, you never write and then I find you flirting with other girls. I am not a happy girl.” Buffy said.

 

 

            The vamp growled and glanced up at her. He let the girl beneath him go as he grinned. “Slayer, I heard you were out of town.”

 

 

            Buffy shrugged. “I came back, home sweet Hellmouth.” She said as she caught the vamp with a sharp jab. He staggered back but recovered quick coming at her with a cross punch. Buffy ducked but she was too late. The vamp caught her in the chin and Buffy went down. She kicked up, catching the vamp in the body with a kick.  She unleashed on him with a combination of jabs and punches. She drew her stake back for the killing blow and stumbled to her knees as something exploded behind her eyes.

 

 

            The cemetery was gone. She was kneeling in an alley. Tiny rocks and bits of glass bit into her knees. A group of girls walked out of a nightclub. The music rolled out of the open door and washed over her. She could smell the trash from the alley. One of the girls laughed. Buffy looked again. There were two guys with them. Buffy would bet money they were vampires.

 

 

            “My car is parked right back here.” One of the vamps said as he guided the women into the alley, his hand on the small of the brunette’s back. Buffy tried to stand. The pain in her head pushed her back into the dirt of the alley.

 

 

            Dual screams came from the girls as the vampires showed their true faces. Buffy felt their fear roll her under and she vomited. She’d never felt fear like that in her entire life.  She screamed out loud as she felt the vampire’s fangs pierce her neck.

 

 

            The pain rushed away, leaving a sharp ache behind. Buffy was on her back in the cemetery. The vampire hovered over her, salivating. His fangs were inches from her throat. Buffy shoved up as hard as she could, knocking the vampire off her.  She was woozy when she stood. The ground beneath her feet swam and she fought to keep her footing.  The vampire rushed her again and she was an easy target. She went down. She had the forethought to clutch her stake to her chest, pointed end up. The vamp fell on it when their bodies impacted the ground.

 

 

            Buffy lay there in the cool night air taking big gulps of it. She got slowly to her feet. She had to talk to Giles and she needed to call Angel. She was pretty sure she knew who his new seer was.

 

 

 

*

 

 

            Buffy sat on Giles’ couch with her hands wrapped around a cup of tea. She had already called Angel and given him the details he needed to save the girls. He was supposed to call her back when he’d saved them. He said they were going to have a talk.

 

 

            “Are you alright?” Giles asked.

 

 

            “Besides the intense pain in my head and the fact that I almost got killed tonight, I’m peachy.” Buffy said.

 

 

            “Sorry, silly question. So you’re quite certain you are Angel’s new seer?” Giles said.

 

 

            “Again with the intense pain in my head plus surround sound movie,” Buffy almost growled. She apologized. “I’m sorry, it hurts and I’m cranky.”

 

 

            “Quite understandable. Perhaps it would be best if we went to Angel’s hotel. I’ll need to contact the council. It couldn’t hurt to hear what Wesley knows about the visions also.” Giles said.

 

 

            “Yeah, road trip and normally I’d be all for one. Right now, I really just want to sleep for a really long time.” Buffy said.

 

 

            Giles smiled. “Get your blanket and a pillow. You can sleep in the car. I’ll call Xander and Willow.”

 

 

           

            Buffy didn’t think she’d be able to sleep with the nagging pain behind her eyes. She did though.  She only woke up when the car pulled to a stop in front of the Hyperion.  She noticed the pain in her head was gone and it was a welcome relief. 

 

           

            Angel rushed out into the courtyard to meet them. His arms went around Buffy, coddling her and helping her into the lobby. “The girls are safe, scared but safe.” He said.

 

 

            Buffy nodded.  “And the migraine seems to be gone.”

 

 

            Angel nodded. “My headaches always got better after the person I’d had a vision about was safe.”

 

 

            “Extra incentive to take care of it I guess.” Buffy grumbled.

 

 

            “I don’t understand this.” Angel said. “You already have your job, your destiny. You’re a Slayer, not a seer. What were the Oracles thinking?”

 

 

            Buffy bit her bottom lip. “Uhm, well-I sort of agreed to take the visions, but I didn’t think they were serious. They made it seem like they were going to give them to someone else.” Buffy said.

 

 

            Angel looked at her. She couldn’t read what was in his eyes, maybe rage, maybe disbelief. “Ok, tell me exactly what was said.”

 

 

            “Ok, they were rude. They were all like this is Angel’s destiny and if you couldn’t handle and were going insane, they didn’t care. It was their problem. So I argued with them. And the girl asked who I wanted to take on the visions. She asked if I’d take them on myself. I said yeah. She asked even if it killed me. So I gave her a little re-run on Buffy/Angel.” Buffy’s eyes softened. She reached over and laid her hand on Angel’s chest, over his dead heart. “If I could save you, it’s worth it.”

 

 

            Angel crushed Buffy to him, not caring about the other people in the room. Tears clouded his eyes and he buried his face in the crown of her hair. “Buffy, you shouldn’t have.” He whispered.

 

           

            “I really thought they were going to send someone else. She just wanted to see if I’d do it, if it was worth it to me. She said I was needed elsewhere and that the Powers didn’t keep us apart just because it was fun. Then she told me about the Sunshine prophecy, sort of, and said they’d send you someone else.”

 

            “Shanshu,” Angel said.

 

 

            “Bless you,” Buffy said.

 

 

            Angel chuckled. “No, it’s called the Shanshu prophecy, not sunshine.”

 

 

            “It’ll let you go out in the sunshine, won’t it?” Buffy said.

 

 

            Angel smirked. “Point taken.” He sat back, releasing Buffy. She scooted next to him and curled up next to his body.

 

 

            “So, we’ve got to figure out what to do now. Wes, Giles, any ideas?” Angel said.

 

 

            “As much as I dislike the council, I’m afraid we need to contact them. There has never been a Slayer, as far as I know, that was also a seer, particularly a seer for the Powers that be.” Wes said.

 

 

            “Oh Yay. This will bring the stuffy old guys down here to poke and prod at me, won’t it?” Buffy said turning to Giles.

 

 

            “It is possible-yes, it probably will.” Giles answered.

 

 

            Buffy tilted her face up to Angel, “I can’t have these visions things at will, can I?”

 

 

            “Not that I’m aware of.” Angel said.

 

 

            “Wes, make sure you tell them that when you talk to them. The last thing I need is a Brit standing there commanding me to have a vision as part of their ‘tests’” Buffy said.

 

 

            Wes nodded. He and Giles disappeared into his office to talk to the council.

 

 

            Buffy rested her head against Angel’s chest, her expression serious. When she finally spoke she made sure not to meet Angel’s eyes. “Angel, I need to know. Did the visions kill Doyle?” Wes had never told her how Doyle died.

 

 

            Angel shook his head. “No, Doyle died saving a ship full of half human half demons.  There was a group, a little like demon Nazis, called The Scourge. They wanted to kill every half human so that the demon race would be pure again. They made this bomb. When it exploded it would kill everything with any humanity in it. By the time we got there the bomb was already activated. Doyle deactivated it, but it cost him his life.” Sadness and regret etched every word.

 

 

            “So as long as I don’t have visions in the middle of slaying vamps, I’ll be good.” Buffy said.

 

 

            “Buffy, what happened tonight? When you had the vision?” Angel said pulling away from her and looking into her face.

 

 

            Buffy glanced down at the floor. “I was fighting a vamp. The vision took me by surprise. When it was over, the vamp was on top of me. But, he didn’t bite me because hey look Ma, no bite-well bite but yours not his. Anyway, it’s of the good. I’m alive and kicking and he’s dust.”

 

 

            Angel shook his head and sighed. “No, you can’t risk it.”

 

 

            “What am I supposed to do Angel? I’m the slayer.” Buffy said.

 

 

            “There’s got to be something you can do. It’s too much, slayer and seer.” Angel said.

 

 

            “No, Angel. There’s nothing I can do. New slayer doesn’t get called unless the old slayer dies. There you have it. I could die.” Buffy said.

 

 

            “Don’t even say it, Buffy.” Angel’s voice was hard and cold.

 

 

            “Sorry, it’s a little overwhelming, I’ll admit but I asked for this. It’s what I wanted and I’ll deal. At least it wasn’t like the slayer gig, I got a choice in this.” Buffy said.

 

 

            “Okay, so you don’t patrol alone anymore.” Angel said.

 

 

            “And what? Endanger all my friends with their non slayer powers because they have an incapacitated slayer with them?” Buffy sounded outraged. “No, Angel, no. It’ll get them killed and I can’t do that.”

 

 

            Angel took a deep breath. “Then we set up two bases of operation. One here, one in Sunnydale. We’ll make sure we keep in touch with Giles when we’re here and with Gunn and Wes when we’re there but I stay with you. There’s no room for compromise here.”

 

 

            “What about the curse and the whole can’t be around me all the time thing?” Buffy asked.

 

 

            “If the choice is that or your life, I pick your life any day.”

 

 

            “I don’t know if we can do this, Angel.” Buffy said. Her voice trembled as she spoke. He was offering to stay with her but it wasn’t offering because he loved her. It was because she was having visions. Somehow she felt like she’d been downgraded from love of his life to just a seer.

 

 

            Angel placed his fingers under chin and tilted her face up to his. Tears hovered on the edges of her lashes. “We can do anything together.”

 

 

            Buffy swallowed hard. “Yeah, because I’m your seer now, can’t get rid of me.” She glanced away, even though he still held her face up to his.

 

 

            “Buffy, you’re my soul mate. The visions are just another part of you, like your hair or your eyes, no more important and no less.” Angel said.

 

 

            “But if I weren’t your seer, you wouldn’t be suggesting we stay together.” She said.

 

 

            “It’s the part about your life being in danger that is the cause for the suggestion, not the seer part. If I didn’t think you were in danger, I’d suggest you call me every time you had a vision. I’ve always protected your life with my own, the visions won’t change that.” He said.

 

 

            Buffy took a deep breath. “So, you still-I’m still-“She stopped, tears choked her.

 

 

            “I love you, Buffy. I will always love you. That’s never gonna change as long as my soul exists in this plane or the next.”

 

 

           

 

Chapter Eleven

 

“So how does this work?” Buffy asked.

 

 

“I’ll open the mansion back up and we’ll spend a few days in Sunnydale, just to insure that the local vamp population realizes the Slayer is back in full swing. We’ll move some of your things into a room here. We’ll see how things go, where the visions take us. I can’t give you a set ratio of how much time we’ll spend there or here.” Angel said.

 

 

Buffy chewed on her bottom lip. “I sorta of have a job, a suck job but a job, at the Doublemeat Palace. I’m on vacation but it ends in a couple of days.”

 

 

“You now have a job with Angel Investigations.” Angel said.

 

 

Buffy shook her head. “I can’t take money from you, Angel.”

 

 

‘Why not? Gunn and Wes get paid. Doyle got paid. You’re my seer now. If you were

anyone else I’d pay you. There’s no reason not to take the money. If it makes you feel better you can work on the filing system and answer phones when we’re here.” Angel said.

 

 

Buffy sighed. “It’s too much like you’re supporting me.”

 

 

“And if I were, what’s wrong with that?” Angel asked.

 

 

Buffy shrugged. “It’s not-I mean-I’m not your wife. “

 

 

Angel smiled a little. “Do you still have your claddagh ring?”

 

 

She nodded. “I keep it locked in my jewelry box at home. It was-it hurt too much to wear

it.”

 

 

Angel nodded. “I know. According to tradition, you became my wife on your seventeenth

birthday, when you took the ring and we consummated the relationship.”

 

 

Buffy stared at him, mouth agape. “And you’re just mentioning this now why?”

 

 

Angel shrugged. “It-after everything that happened I thought maybe it was better if I didn’t. I was going to tell you the next morning. I never got the chance.”

 

 

Buffy sat on the couch in stunned silence.

 

 

“Buffy, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s not even close to legal. It wouldn’t stand up in the court of law.” Angel said.

 

 

            Buffy looked in his eyes. “If I were to go put my ring back on, what would it mean to you?”

 

 

            “The same thing it’s always meant to me, you’re my wife.” Angel said. His voice was soft in the silence of the lobby.

 

 

            Buffy placed her hand at the nape of his neck. She pulled him close and just brushed his lips with her own. The fire that was ever present between them flared and another five minutes would have found them in an embarrassing situation. Giles cleared his throat, interrupting them before any clothing was removed or unbuttoned. Buffy blushed, properly chastened.

 

 

            “So what’s the deal, Watcher Mine? When is the council coming to poke and prod at me?” Buffy asked, more to cover the awkward silence then anything.

 

 

            “They aren’t, actually. They merely wish Wesley and me to keep a sharp eye and detailed reports on you.  They confirmed that there has never been a slayer in history to receive visions from the powers that be.” Giles said.

 

 

            “Oh, goody, I love being a trend setter. In a couple of months it will be what all the slayers are doing.” Buffy quipped.

 

 

 

            Angel grinned. “Buffy and I have been discussing the situation. She doesn’t need to patrol alone. She had a close call last night because a vamp caught her in the middle of a vision. Neither of us is willing to risk her friends in Sunnydale. We’ve agreed that I’m the best backup she can have in this situation. We’ll be shuttling back and forth between LA and Sunnydale as the visions and the Hellmouth require.”

 

 

            Wes nodded. “It sounds like a solid plan to me. Gunn and I can handle the more mundane things here and even most of the vision situations should you be needed in Sunnydale.”

 

 

            “Thanks, Wes.” Angel said.

 

 

            Buffy yawned. “Ok, vision stuff still draining. Please tell me it gets easier.”

 

 

            Angel smiled at her. “You get used to it. You should sleep.”

 

 

            “Just point me to a bed.” Buffy said.

 

 

           

 

*

 

 

            The next day Buffy and Giles left for Sunnydale after lunch. Angel was going to follow them when dark fell. Buffy quit the Doublemeat Palace with no regrets. She wouldn’t be sad to bid goodbye to the smell of grease that seemed to work its way under her very skin.

 

 

            Her next order of business was to talk to Willow and Dawn. Willow still lived at the house on Revello with Buffy and Dawn.  Buffy explained to both of them about the visions and the plan she and Angel had devised.

 

 

            “So, Will, do you mind being the grown up in the house when I’m in LA?” Buffy asked.

 

 

            “Nope, Dawnie and I will be fine.” Willow said.

 

 

            Buffy looked at Dawn for her answer.

 

 

            “I don’t need a baby sitter.” Dawn said.

 

 

            “I know you don’t, Dawn, but your not old enough to live by yourself here and if something happened two hours is a long way. I’ll feel better knowing Willow is here looking out for you when I’m gone.” Buffy said.

 

 

            Dawn rolled her eyes. “Whatever. Can I go now? I’m expecting a call from Janice.”

 

 

            Buffy sighed. “Sure, I just wanted to make sure you were okay with this.”

 

 

            Dawn looked almost apologetic. She smiled. “Yeah, I’m okay with it. Is Angel going to be staying here when you’re in Sunnydale?”

 

 

 

            Buffy shook her head. “It’s best all around if we have minimal contact, curse still an issue. He’ll stay at the mansion.”

 

 

            “But he’ll be around?” Dawn said.

 

 

            “Yes, he’ll be around.” Buffy said. Dawn had always liked Angel.  When she had been younger she’d been fascinated by Angel not having a reflection.

 

 

            “Good,” Dawn said as she ran up the stairs.

 

 

 

            Buffy leaned back against the couch.

 

 

            “Hey, are you okay?” Willow asked.

 

 

            Buffy nodded after a moment. “Yeah, this is just all new ground for me, for everyone.”

 

 

            “What are they like?” Willow asked.

 

 

            “The visions? They’re scary. It’s like I’m there, Will. It’s almost like I’m both observer and victim at the same time. I can feel what they feel, even smell and taste what they smell. The other night in the cemetery, that girl was so scared and I could feel it. I was terrified, only it was me. It was her. It made me throw up, which fun fact to know, vamps aren’t bothered by vomit, at least that one the other night wasn’t.” Buffy said.

 

 

            “And I would have thought it’d be a great defense mechanism.” Willow grinned.

 

 

            “I’ve got to go pack. Angel wants me to move some of my things into the hotel so that I won’t have to pack a bag every time we head to LA.” Buffy said.

 

 

 

*

 

 

            Buffy and Angel spent four days in Sunnydale. A vision, complete with blinding pain, sent them back to LA.  Buffy, Angel, Wes and Gunn took care of the Ulkrash demons attempting to raise a demon lord in short order. The dull nagging ache the vision left in Buffy’s head went away almost the instant the demons were dead.

 

 

            Buffy unpacked her bag. She hung clothes in the closet and folded them into drawers. Her room was right next to Angel’s.  As if by mutual agreement, both she and Angel had resumed wearing their claddagh rings. They had very fleetingly considered her moving into Angel’s suite. It only took one over-heated make out session on his bed that resulted in too much clothing being removed to convince them both that Angel’s soul was safer if Buffy slept in another room.

 

 

            That didn’t make being around each other twenty four hours a day any easier.  Sometimes Buffy thought it made it harder. They kept their touches chaste and limited. Angel rarely kissed her on the mouth. Kisses on the mouth led to kisses on the neck, which lead to moaning and clothing being removed. Instead he’d place a gentle kiss on her forehead or the crown of her head. At one time he was fond of kissing the knuckles of her hand; they even got carried away with that, so kisses were regulated to safer areas, like her forehead.

 

 

            The only exception to the touching rule was when Buffy had a vision. They nearly always sent her to her knees. Angel was always there to catch her. It was almost worth the blinding pain to come too in his embrace, pulled firmly against his chest.  He never held her for long. It was too tempting.

 

 

            Buffy took a deep breath. The hotel was silent. Wes and Gunn had gone to bed for the night. She knocked softly on the door. Angel answered after a moment. He wore black sweats and was in the process of tugging a shirt over his head when he opened the door. Buffy’s breath caught in her throat at the glimpse of pale skin she saw.  She admonished herself in her mind. It was a glimpse of his stomach, nothing worth getting this excited about. Her body disagreed.

 

 

            “Uhm, I-could we go back to Sunnydale? I want to see Dawn and Will. The visions have been quiet the last couple of days and I want to make sure the demons know I’m still around.” Buffy tried to control the blush that threatened to creep up her face. The real reason she wanted to go back to Sunnydale was because at least there her body had a reprieve from the want-so-much-can’t-have war that raged inside of it when she was in LA and they were both cloistered in the hotel.

 

 

            “Okay. Did you want to leave tonight?” Angel asked.

 

 

            Buffy nodded. “If you don’t mind.”

 

 

            “Is something wrong?” Angel asked.

 

 

            Buffy sighed. She’d never been able to effectively hold things from him. “I just need a break.”

 

 

            Sadness filled Angel’s eyes, rushing in like water. He nodded. “I could use one too.”

 

 

            “I’m sorry,” Buffy said.

 

 

            He shook his head. “It’s hard, for both of us.  I feel it too, every second. Sometimes a little bit of time apart makes it easier.”

 

 

            Buffy nodded. “Let me just run go get my jacket.”

 

 

            “I’ll leave a note for Wes and Gunn.” Angel said.

 

 

            When Buffy went down the stairs, having retrieved her jacket and her bag of favorite weapons, Angel was just finishing up a note for Wes and Gunn. He was dressed in his traditional black slacks, long sleeved tee shirt and a black wool overcoat.  He smiled at her and heat crept up her skin like flames. Buffy took a deep breath and it ended up shaky.

 

 

            “Sorry,” Angel whispered.

 

 

            “God, we can’t even smile at each other anymore. This-we’ve got to do something, Angel. This isn’t working. I’m wearing turtleneck sweaters and sweatpants in summer weather and you’re apologizing for smiling at me.” Tears threatened to spill from her eyes.

 

 

            “I know.” Angel said. It was a quiet, resigned sound.

 

 

            The drive to Sunnydale was utterly silent. Buffy kept her window down, letting the cool ocean breeze chill her perpetually over-heated skin. Angel dropped her off at the house on Revello and went to spend the night in the mansion.  His hand brushed hers as they said good night but it was as much contact as they dared. They were both all too aware that the mansion was empty. There would be no Gunn or Wes or Willow or Dawn to stop them.

 

 

            Buffy locked the door behind her. She leaned back against it and bowed her head until her chin almost touched her chest. Tears fell from her eyes hot and silent.  She didn’t hear Willow come down the stairs until she was in front of her. Willow took her hands and guided her to the couch without a word. Her arms went around Buffy and that brought fresh tears to the surface.  Buffy sobbed in her best friends arms for a long time before the tears abated.

 

 

            “What happened, Buffy?” Willow asked.

 

 

            Buffy curled up in the corner of the couch. She grabbed a tissue from the side table and blew her nose. Her eyes felt swollen and sore. “We’re coming apart at the seams, Will.”

 

 

            “You and Angel had a fight?” Willow asked.

 

 

            Buffy shook her head. “It might be easier if we did fight. We just tiptoe around each other, scared to touch each other. He apologized for smiling tonight.”

 

 

            Willow looked at her confused. Buffy tried to explain. “It’s too much. We can’t even touch, hell I can’t even look at him without wanting him so much it hurts.”

 

 

            “Oh,” Willow said, still confused. She blushed bright red when she finally got it. “Oh! His soul and the not-well you know.”

 

 

            Buffy nodded. “The whole reason we came back tonight was because if I spent one more moment that close to him I was going to completely lose it. We both needed the time apart.”

 

 

            “I’ve been trying to research curses and soul magic, there are just not many instances of a soul being put back in a body that’s not a zombie. In fact the only one I can find is Angel.” Willow said.

 

 

            “I know you’ve been trying, Will. It’s just-we’ve got to find something soon.” Buffy said.

 

 

            Willow nodded. “I’ll put a query out on the web, see if there’s anyone out there that knows anything.”

 

 

            Buffy nodded. She stood up and started for the stairs. “Thanks Will. I’m going to turn in for the night and I’m sorry I woke you.”

 

 

            Willow smiled and shook her head. “Hey, what are friends for?”

 

 

 

            At the mansion, Angel paced. There had to be someone that knew something about curses and ways around them. With a sudden inspiration he picked up the phone and dialed a number in New York. It was answered by a man that sounded like he was still half drunk.

 

 

            “I still don’t want to dress like you, but I need help.” Angel said.

 

 

            “I knew when I helped you the first time you were going to be annoying, but waking a man up. That’s beyond annoying.” The man said.

 

 

            “Whistler, I need you to get a message to the powers that be and I won’t take no for an answer.” Angel said.

 

 

            “I can’t just go crawling to the powers that be every time you ask, Angel.” Whistler said.

 

 

            “They are dangerously close to losing me and gaining Angelus if they don’t step in here.” Angel said.

 

 

            That woke Whistler up. He sat straight up in bed and flicked on the lamp. “What’s going on?”

 

 

            Angel explained the situation to him.

 

 

            Whistler laughed. “So you’re calling me to go talk to the powers because you’re horny?”

 

 

            Angel growled into the phone. “It’s more then that and you know it. They gave her the

visions. They’ve forced us to work together. The curse shouldn’t be a problem for them, especially if they want to keep Angelus locked in his cage.”

 

 

            Whistler grumbled. No one wanted Angelus loose again. The last time he’d been out he’d almost succeeded in sucking the world into hell. “I’ll talk to them. I’m not promising anything. They’re going to see this as a matter of love, not worth their time.”

 

 

            “Then make it worth their time.” Angel said as he hung up the phone.

 

 

 

Chapter Twelve

Buffy performed a back leg sweep, sending the vamp to the ground.  She flipped around and shoved a stake through his heart.  Angel was bogged down with three vamps. He grabbed one by the shirt front and tossed him toward Buffy.

 

 

            “Thanks for sharing, Sweetie.” Buffy quipped.

 

 

            “No problem, it’s the secret to a lasting relationship I hear.” Angel responded.

 

 

            Buffy threw a right hook, the vamp deflected it with his forearm and hit her with an uppercut. Buffy fell backwards and clipped her head on a tombstone.  It felt like her head exploded. The vision left her screaming in pain. Images of children and demons seared themselves into her mind. When the vision left as quickly as it had come, she was still screaming and sobbing.

 

 

            Angel was on his knees next to her. His hands glided over Buffy’s body, searching for wounds that he knew weren’t there. She grabbed his arm and practically crawled into his lap, trying to hide in his chest. Her sobs were hysterical.

 

 

            “Buffy, baby, calm down, you’ve got to calm down and tell me what you saw,” Angel said.

 

 

            She shook her head, “Horrible, too horrible, orphanage in LA, yellow demons with too many teeth, sharp, sharp teeth. Call Wes and Gunn and then go.”

 

 

            Angel scooped her up in his arms. He ran to Giles’ apartment. He pounded on the door until Giles answered the door clad in sweats and a white tee shirt.

 

 

            “Take her, calm her down. I have to go to LA, vision. I’ll call when it’s over and I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Angel said. He handed Buffy off to Giles. She was still sobbing almost hysterically. Angel was gone before Giles had time to ask questions.

 

 

            Giles tucked Buffy into the corner of the couch. He draped a blanket over her and went to make tea.

 

 

            Angel got in the GTX and drove like a bat out of hell to LA. He called Wes and Gunn on a cell phone as he drove.

 

 

            “Wes, I need you and Gunn to find all the orphanages in LA. I don’t know which one but there are going to be some yellow demons with sharp teeth attacking it tonight.”

 

 

            “We’ll get right on.” Wes said.

 

 

            “Wes, be careful take lots of weaponry and hurry. Whatever Buffy saw was bad enough to send her into hysterics.” Angel said as he hung up the phone. He pushed the gas pedal harder and willed the car to go faster.

 

 

*

 

 

            Giles made Buffy’s tea the way he knew she liked it, cream and lots of sugar. He handed her the thick cup. Buffy wrapped her hands around the cup. It shook, threatening to slosh tea out. Buffy closed her eyes and took a deep breath, inhaling the smell of the tea.

 

           

            “Buffy, Angel said you had a vision. What happened?” Giles asked.

 

 

            Buffy exhaled the breath she had been holding and it came out shaky. At first Giles didn’t think she was going to answer him. “Aspirin first, please,” she croaked.

 

 

            “Oh, bloody- how thoughtless of me. I didn’t think.” Giles apologized. He retrieved a bottle of aspirin from the bathroom and jiggled two out of the bottle. Buffy looked up at him, pain streaking across her eyes with each heartbeat. “It takes four now,” she said quietly.

 

 

            Giles leveled a gaze at her, but added two more tablets to the ones already in his hand. He handed the tablets to her and Buffy swallowed them with a mouthful of tea.

 

 

            “Perhaps, when this is over, you should go talk to a doctor.” Giles said.

 

 

            “And tell them what? I get mind numbing visions from the Powers that Be?” Buffy asked. Her tone was half sob half sarcastic laughter.

 

 

            “Migraines, many people have horrible migraines. Perhaps, you could get a prescription for a stronger pain killer,” Giles suggested.

 

 

            Buffy shrugged. Giles made a mental note to speak to Angel about it.

 

 

            “It was an orphanage filled with little kids, some of them just babies. This pack of demons went there. They had kind of yellowish green skin and too many teeth, sharp teeth. Giles, what they did-“Buffy closed her eyes and shook her head. Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes.

 

 

            Giles nodded. There was no use making her go over the details. He could only imagine a few things that would render his slayer hysterical.

 

 

            “I felt them, Giles. I felt their pain, how much it hurt. I hear their screams, smell the blood. I-“Buffy stopped. She gripped the back of the couch with such force Giles heard the wood crack.

 

 

            “Oh, my dear girl,” Giles cooed and drew her into his arms. He wasn’t overly affectionate but he couldn’t let her sit there and cry without offering some sort of comfort beyond tea.

 

 

            Buffy knew the contact made Giles uncomfortable and she drew away as soon as she had calmed down some. “I should have gone with Angel,” she said.

 

 

            “I’m sure Angel and Gunn have it under control. If they need assistance I will drive you up there,” Giles said.

 

 

            Buffy grinned, “Please with your driving, we’d get there next week.”

 

 

            “I do not drive that slowly. I am merely cautious,” Giles protested. He was glad to see his slayer teasing and joking. It was an intricate part of who Buffy was and he worried when it was missing. “Angel said he’d call when the threat was neutralized and that he would return here as soon as possible.”

 

 

            Buffy nodded. She highly doubted Angel used the words threat or neutralized but she got the point. “I’ll know when it’s taken care of. The pain will go away.”

 

 

            Giles furrowed his brow and poured himself more tea. “Is that getting any better?”

 

 

            “No, in fact most of the time I think it’s worse, maybe it’s just the high quality of the visions I’ve been having lately,” Buffy said shaking her head.

 

 

            “They are getting worse?” Giles asked.

 

 

            Buffy shrugged, “I’m fine. I’m the slayer. I can deal.” Buffy drained her tea cup and stood up. “I’m going to go home. I need a hot bath and my own bed.” She stooped over and kissed Giles on the cheek. “Thank you,”

 

 

            Giles colored pink. He nodded and cleared his throat. “Of course, don’t hesitate to call me should you need anything.”

 

 

            Buffy smiled, “I won’t.”

 

 

            She walked slowly back to her house, taking deep breaths of the night air and hoping it would chase away some of the pain in her head. It didn’t really work but it made her feel better.  She walked in the front door and smiled at the sight of Willow and Dawn vegged out on the couch watching TV.

 

 

            “Hey,” Buffy said, fatigue coloring her voice.

 

 

            “Hey, Buff, we’re watching re-runs of Alias. Wanna come watch with?” Willow asked.

 

 

            Buffy shook her head, “No thanks. I had a pretty intense vision earlier. I just want a bath and a bed.”

 

 

            “A vision? Wes and Gunn taking care of it?” Dawn asked.

 

 

            “No, Angel went. If he calls, wake me up,” Buffy said as she went up the stairs. She went into the bathroom and turned the hot water on full out. She poured vanilla bubble bath in the water and sat on the edge of the tub, watching it foam up. There was a soft knock on the door.

 

 

            “Come in,” Buffy said.

 

 

            Willow eased through the door and sat down on the toilet. “Did you and Angel have a fight?” It was the most obvious, at least to her, conclusion when Angel went back to LA without Buffy.

 

 

            “No, no, not at all. This vision was pretty bad. It kind of threw me in the hysterical way. Time was really an of the essence thing, so he went without me,” Buffy said.

 

 

            “Do you want to talk about it?” Willow asked.

 

 

            “I really don’t,”

 

 

            Willow nodded and stood up. “I’ll let you take your bath then and I promise to wake you up if Angel calls.”

 

 

            “Thanks, Will,” Buffy said.

 

 

*

 

 

            Buffy woke to someone gently shaking her.  Willow pushed the phone into her hand.

 

 

 

            “Hello,” she said groggily.

 

 

            “Buffy,”

 

 

            Buffy smiled. There was no question who it was on the phone. There was only one person who said her name like that. “Angel,”

 

 

            “We took care of it. Everyone is fine. A couple kids are in the hospital but they are going to be okay,” Angel said.

 

 

            Buffy breathed a sigh of relief. She noticed the pain in her head was gone. “Thank you.”

 

 

            “It’s too late for me to start back now but I’ll be there as soon as I can leave here,” Angel promised.

 

 

            “Okay, thanks and I’m glad you got there in time.”

 

 

            “Are you okay?” Angel asked.

 

 

            “I’m fine. It was just sort of an extreme vision, but hey living life on the wild side now,” Buffy tried to joke.

 

 

            “Okay, go back to sleep and get some rest. I love you,” Angel said.

 

 

            “I love you always,” Buffy responded. She listened until she heard a soft click in her ear. She placed the phone on her nightstand and closed her eyes. She might be able to get a few more hours of sleep before the house came awake for the day.

 

 

*

 

 

            At Giles’ request, Angel stopped by his apartment first. He knocked on the door. Giles answered it and stepped aside. Angel walked inside. “You wanted to talk to me?” he asked.

 

 

            Giles nodded, “Please, have a seat.” Giles gestured to one of the chairs.

 

 

            Angel sat down warily. Buffy wasn’t here, neither were Willow or Xander. It was odd. He and Giles had gotten past their issues but they didn’t have tea together and talk about old times.

 

 

            “Would you like some tea?” Giles asked.

 

 

            “No, thanks, what’s going on?” Angel asked.

 

 

            Giles took a sharp breath. “I’m worried about Buffy.”

 

 

            “Did something else happen after I left her with you?” Angel asked, instantly on alert.

 

 

            Giles shook his head, “No, but the visions seem to be getting worse. She’s taking four aspirin instead of two and what worries me more is that it’s beginning to show. Last night, she looked horrible and I don’t think it was just the content of the vision. She looked like she was in pain. I can count the number of times I have seen pain on Buffy’s face on one hand. She’s a very strong woman. I thought perhaps if she went to a doctor and told him she had migraines, he might prescribe her some stronger pain pills,” Giles said.

 

 

            “It’s a good idea. I’ll make an appointment for her tomorrow,” Angel said.

 

 

            “She’s not going to be happy that I spoke with you about it,” Giles warned.

 

 

            Angel smiled at the elder man. “I can handle Buffy’s unhappiness if it means the aftermath of the next vision will be more bearable for her.”

 

 

            “My thoughts exactly,” Giles said.

 

 

*

 

 

            They were back in LA. Buffy had her brand new prescription for painkillers. The doctor had talked with her about it and prescribed the pills without much of an argument. If they didn’t help she was to come back and see him.

 

 

            When the visions weren’t tormenting her with agonizing pain, Buffy tried to make some sort of sense of the filing system Wes used. She was sitting in the middle of a pile of file folders when she heard the hotel door open. 

 

 

            Buffy scrambled to her feet, “Welcome to Angel Investi-“the words died on her lips as she saw who the visitor was. “Whistler.” He was wearing his typical loud shirt, a rumpled suit jacket that was some sort of puce tweed and a battered fedora. He smelled like stale whiskey and cigarette smoke.

 

 

            “Nice to see you again, Slayer, you’re looking better then when I saw you last.” Whistler said raking his eyes over her lithe form.

 

 

            “Yeah, now what the hell do you want?” Buffy crossed her arms over her chest.

 

 

            “Ouch, why all the hostility?” Whistler asked holding his hands out in front of himself and backing up a couple of steps.

 

 

            “Oh, lets see, couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that last time I saw you I was about to run a sword through my lover’s heart and you didn’t say a word to me about it,” Buffy snapped.

 

 

            “Hey, I’ve got certain disclosure rules I have to follow,” Whistler said.

 

 

            “Yeah, well get to disclosing before I throw you out of here,” Buffy said.

 

 

            “Relax, I’m here to see Angel. He asked me for a favor and I’ve got his answer,” Whistler said.

 

 

            Buffy arched an eyebrow at him.  She regarded him for a moment and then vaulted easily over the desk.

 

 

            Whistler chuckled and muttered under his breath, “Always gotta make it pretty.”

 

 

            Buffy stalked up to him and jabbed a finger in his chest. “You stay right here. Don’t move a muscle. I’ll be right back with Angel.”

 

 

            Buffy loped up the stairs, taking them two at a time. She knocked on Angel’s door.  It was early afternoon and she really wasn’t sure if Angel was awake or not.  He answered the door already dressed, a book in his hand.

 

 

            “Hey, you’ve got a visitor, Whistler. I can toss him if you want, in fact it’ll be my pleasure,” Buffy said.

 

 

            “No, no I asked him to do something for me. I need to talk to him,” Angel laid the book down on a chair and walked out of the suite leaving the door open. Buffy followed him down the steps. Angel shook Whistler’s hand and offered him a seat on the couch. Whistler sat down. Angel pulled a chair out and turned it backwards. He sat down, resting his arms on the back.

 

 

            Buffy stood just behind Angel, her arms crossed over her chest, still wary about Whistler’s intentions.

 

 

            “Can a guy get a beer in here?” Whistler asked.

 

 

            “No, you really can’t,” Buffy said with a glare.

 

 

            Angel shrugged. “What can I say? She’s still mad at you over your involvement in sending me to hell.”

 

 

            “Yeah, I get that,” Whistler grumbled. “Okay, so I delivered your message and I gotta tell you, they were none too happy with it. The first time they sent me away, I ended up in Siberia, not a fun place.  The second time, they landed me in Amish country, not a drop of beer to be found.” Whistler shuddered. “They called me back a third time and actually listened.”

 

 

            Buffy glanced from Angel to Whistler. “Why do I feel like I walked in the middle of a foreign language film and have I mentioned I don’t really speak any foreign languages?”

 

 

            “It’s a long story, Buffy,” Angel said.

 

 

            “Angel here wanted me to go talk to the Powers about his curse,” Whistler said.

 

 

            Angel shrugged, “Apparently not that long.”

 

 

            Buffy swallowed hard.  “So what did they say?”

 

 

            “Oh yeah, you’re all ears now. Could I get that beer?” Whistler asked.

 

 

            “Don’t push it,” Buffy warned.

 

 

            “Ok so they actually listened this time. Their first reaction was it’s a matter of love we don’t dabble in those yadda yadda same story different verse. Then I mentioned Angelus and reminded them about the damage he could do. That sorta had an effect,” Whistler said.

 

 

            “And they say evil never pays,” Buffy quipped.

 

 

            “Getting to the point anytime soon, Whistler?” Angel asked. His voice was tense and Buffy could practically feel it rolling off him.

 

 

            “Yeah, yeah, in short, they agreed anchoring your soul was the best idea,” Whistler said with a shrug.

 

 

            Angel swallowed hard. Buffy grabbed a hold of the edge of the desk to keep her balance.

 

 

            “So that’s it?” Angel croaked.

 

 

            “Yeah, whaddya expect? Parade and flashes of light, maybe some confetti falling from the sky?” Whistler asked.

 

 

            “I-I don’t know-I just-“Angel stammered, at a loss for words. He turned around, his eyes meeting Buffy’s. She was pale.

 

 

            Whistler chuckled. “I’m sure Blondie has got the parade and flashes of light all planned out for you.” He stood up and walked toward the door. “You’re welcome and for the record, I’m rooting for you two. Call me a sap or a romantic, but I’d like to see you two kids make it. The odds are stacked against you, but then I’ve always bet on the long shots.” He shut the door behind him, leaving the hotel strangely silent.

 

 

           

Chapter Thirteen

 

            Buffy woke with a smile to cool lips tickling up her spine. She started to flip onto her back and the light pressure of a cool hand on her shoulder blade kept her on her stomach. She giggled.

 

 

            “Good morning,” Angel said his voice still husky and heavy with sleep.

 

 

            “It’s beginning to look that way,” Buffy said.

 

 

            Angel swept her hair to one side, exposing the nape of her neck. He placed a kiss there and tickled her skin with a slight, cool breath blown out between lips that needed no air.

 

 

            Buffy flipped nimbly onto her back and met Angel’s smiling eyes. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and tugged him closer. She nipped at his lips, teasing playfully. Angel laughed into her mouth. Complete, overwhelming joy swept over him.  He closed his eyes and dared not move. He still hadn’t gotten used to the feeling.

 

 

            Buffy smiled and cupped his face with her hand. “It’s real you know. You aren’t going to wake up and find it’s a dream,” she whispered.

 

 

            “Are you sure? Because sometimes, it feels so much like one I’m afraid to take a breath. I’m afraid for you to take a breath.”

 

 

            “Angel, open your eyes,” Buffy said.

 

 

            After a moment he did, and looked down into her hazel eyes. He shook his head, still unwilling to believe a dream come true.

 

 

            “See, I’m not going anywhere,” she smiled.

 

 

            There was a knock on the bedroom door. “Come on you guys, Willow is making smiley face pancakes for dinner!” Dawn’s voice came through the door.

 

 

            “Be right down, Dawnie,” Buffy yelled.

 

 

            “Yeah, right and yesterday be right down was forty five minutes later. And do you guys have to be so loud?” Dawn said through the door.

 

 

            Buffy laughed and turned bright red. “No, really we’re coming down right now,” she promised.

 

 

            Angel’s soul had been anchored for six months and they still couldn’t get their fill of each other.  There were days Buffy felt like she couldn’t breathe if Angel wasn’t touching her.

 

 

            Dusk spread itself over the kitchen. Willow stood at the stove, the tip of her tongue between her teeth, as she poured the pancakes onto the griddle.

 

 

            “Hey, Will,” Buffy greeted as she bounced into the kitchen, Angel trailing her.

 

 

            “Hey, Angel, Buffy, want some pancakes?” Willow asked.

 

 

            “Yeah, thanks,” Buffy said sliding onto a bar stool next to Dawn. Angel got a container of blood out of the fridge and popped it into the microwave. It had taken a couple of months but now he was as comfortable here as he had been in his own house.

 

 

            He watched as the women he’d come to love, all of them in a different way, laughed and teased each other. Angel loved his life.  He never thought he’d have one family, much less two, but Willow and Dawn had become his family as much as Buffy was.

 

 

            Buffy got up and took her plate to the sink. She was almost there when she screamed “Vision!” Angel knocked the bar stool he was sitting on over but he caught her before she hit the floor. Buffy had learned to talk through the visions, no matter how bad they were.

 

 

            “LA Sunset blvd I think, vamp four of them-too late Wes and Gunn are -going to be too late-girls-they are grabbing-no-yeah-grabbing prostitutes off the street-not drinking-“Buffy’s voice trembled and sounded strained with pain. She kept her eyes tightly shut. When it was finally over she opened her eyes.  She smiled up at him and it was tight and filled with pain. “Call Wes and Gunn, they should be able to handle it.”

 

 

            Angel said something to her but it sounded far away, as if it came from a tunnel or a great distance. She shook her head. “Can’t hear you,”

 

 

            Angel looked puzzled at her, and then he noticed the blood coming from her ears.

 

 

            “Willow, call Wes and Gunn for me, tell them what Buffy said. I’m taking her to the hospital,” Angel said.

 

 

            Buffy shook her head. “It’ll be okay, I just need to lie down,” she almost shouted.

 

 

            “Buffy-“Angel started.

 

 

            “Please, Angel, I don’t want to go there. I just want to take my pills and lay down until the pain is gone,” Buffy begged him.

 

 

            Angel sighed. He couldn’t remember if his ears had ever bled after a vision. He was going to ask Wes though. He would know. “Alright, but if it gets worse, your going to the hospital.”

 

 

            Buffy nodded and let Angel scoop her up in his arms. He took her up to the bedroom and laid her on the bed. He got a glass of water and the pain pills she took. She gulped them down and lay back, closing her eyes.

 

 

            Angel smoothed the hair back from her forehead. “I’m going to go on to LA and help Wes and Gunn. I’ll be back before morning though,” he promised.

 

 

            Buffy nodded. “Be careful, call me when it’s over.”

 

 

            “I will,” he kissed her on the forehead. “I love you,”

 

 

            “Always,” Buffy whispered and held onto his hand as he backed out of the room. He paused and then took another step. Their hands separated and Angel turned and left. As soon as Buffy heard his GTX pull away from the curb, she got up and went into the bathroom. She removed the top of the toilet tank and got a heavy Ziploc bag out of it dripping with water. There were a dozen different types of pill bottles in there. Buffy took pills from two or three of the bottles. She turned on the water in the sink and cupped her hands, filling them. She gulped down the pills and splashed her face with water. She sat back down against the wall, the water still running, and muffled her sobs into the back of her hand.

 

 

            Most of the time she could hide the pain, fight through it, at least until the crisis was over, and then when it was over she could come and take enough pain pills to knock her out. The pain had been steadily increasing for several months. She had been back to the doctor and he’d given her an increasing supply of pain pills. She’d gone to some more doctors when that didn’t work and gotten some different pain pills. She’d come up with her own concoction that chased away enough of the pain and knocked her out.

 

 

            Buffy got up and took a washcloth from the cabinet. She dunked it in the cold water and washed the blood off her ears and the sides of her face. She took the cold cloth to bed with her and laid it across her forehead. She lay down and tried to let the pain seep away and sleep crawl in.

 

 

            At some point in the night she noticed Angel crawled into bed with her. She smiled in her sleep as he spooned his cool body against hers and then the blackness grabbed her again and dragged her under.

 

 

           

 

*

 

 

           

           

            Buffy stretched along the stair railing, just managing to secure the garland at the top. She stepped back and surveyed her handiwork.

 

 

            Angel rubbed a towel over his hair as he stepped into the lobby from the training room in the basement. He sniffed the air and smelled the pine just before he saw the stair banister bedecked in fresh pine garland.

 

 

            “Buffy, what are you doing?” He asked giving her a completely befuddled look.

 

 

            She beamed at him, “Christmas is in two weeks and we’re celebrating here with everyone. Now before you say anything, I know vampires not big on Christmas but it’s sort of like a family holiday and well, you have a family now and so celebrating.”

 

 

            He grinned at her. He wanted to argue with her but he couldn’t, not when she looked at him like a little kid in a candy store. “Alright, so we celebrate Christmas in two weeks.”

 

 

            She ran down the stairs and flung herself at him. He caught her and wrapped his arms around her. She kissed him soundly on the mouth.

 

 

            “I’m so glad you don’t mind. I have people bringing a twenty foot Christmas tree by in a half hour.”

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

            Buffy twisted her hair into a messy bun and checked her reflection in the mirror one last time. She wore a bright red sweater and light gray slacks. Willow, Dawn, Xander and Giles were due at the hotel any minute. Wes and Gunn were already downstairs digging into food a caterer had delivered the day before. Angel walked up behind her and slipped his arms around her waist. She leaned her head back against his shoulder and smiled at the lack of reflection in the mirror.

 

 

            “What are you smiling about?” He asked.

 

 

            She shook her. “Because you don’t have a reflection.”

 

 

            He bowed his head and kissed the top of her head. “That makes you smile?”

 

 

            “Uh huh, because it’s like us, even though I can’t see you I know you’re there, you’ll always been there, you’ve always been there, even when I couldn’t see you.”

 

 

            He squeezed her tight and then let her go. He turned her around to face him. “Always,”

 

 

            She nodded and stood on tiptoe to kiss him. Angel cocked his head and listened to something downstairs.

 

 

            “The Sunnydale crew just got here,” Angel said.

 

 

            “Let’s go down and say hi,” Buffy grabbed him by the hand and let him down stairs.

 

 

            There was general embracing and chattering. Xander and Giles hauled presents from the car and placed them under the tree with all the presents Buffy had been shopping for since the Christmas tree went up.

 

 

            Giles brought eggnog, the good stuff and the Dawn stuff. After a few glasses of the good stuff they sang rousing rounds of Christmas carols.

 

 

            “One more cup of nog and then I’m thinking bed would be a good place to go,” Buffy said. She took Angel’s cup from him and stood up to get them both cups. She swayed a little on her feet and stopped to get her balance. The cut crystal cups tumbled from her hands and shattered on the floor.  Angel lunged to catch her, his preternatural speed allowed him to just barely get there. He fell on his knees, the glass biting into them. Buffy twitched in his arms. Her eyes were squeezed shut. Her entire body arched upward in his arms, like a bowstring being drawn tight. Her lips moved but Angel couldn’t hear anything she was saying. Finally her body relaxed and she looked like she was sleeping peacefully. Angel smoothed the hair back from her head. He could hear her heartbeat pounding strong and a little fast.

 

 

            “Buffy, baby, wake up,” Angel said shaking her slightly.

 

 

            She didn’t even bat an eyelash. Angel’s forehead furrowed. “Someone, get me a cool cloth.”

 

 

            Gunn handed him a wet, cool cloth. Angel dabbed it on Buffy’s forehead and neck. She still lay limp in his arms, eyes closed. Angel shook his head. “They’ve never knocked her out like this. They made her ears bleed once and have left her hysterical but never unconscious.”

 

 

            He picked her up and laid her gently on the couch. He knelt down beside her, watching her face for any sign of wakefulness. He crouched like that nearly fifteen minutes, oblivious to the people around him. Willow finally laid her hand on his shoulder and he started.

 

 

            “Angel, let’s call the doctor. Do you know where she keeps her medicine?” Willow asked.

 

 

            Angel nodded and led Willow up to the bathroom. He opened the medicine cabinet and displayed a few bottles of pills.  Willow sat down on the toilet and looked at the labels, opening a couple of the bottles. “There should be some pink pills somewhere. I swear I saw her take pink ones one time.”

 

 

            “That could have been before. She’s changed medication a couple of times. She said some of them gave her an upset stomach,” Angel offered.

 

 

            Willow twisted and set one of the bottles on top of the toilet tank. It was then that she noticed the corner of a plastic bag sticking out. “Hey, what’s this?” She asked taking the tank top off and pulling out a large gallon sized Ziploc bag of pill bottles.

 

 

            Angel shook his head.

 

 

            Willow dug in the bag, pulling out prescription bottles and reading off medicine labels and doctor’s names. “They’re all pain pills, but there are at least four different doctors here and six different prescriptions,” Willow glanced up, her eyes met Angel’s. He looked down at her in horror.

 

 

            “I think maybe she needs a hospital,” Willow finally said.

 

 

Chapter Fourteen

            Angel kneeled beside the hospital bed. He held Buffy’s hand in both of his. His head was bowed and it looked for all world like he was praying. He had been there for two days. He never moved. He didn’t get up to stretch or to rest. If one watched closely, like Willow was doing, he even forgot to breathe. It was true he didn’t have to breathe but he had picked up the habit a couple of centuries ago because he found it made him fit in better with humans.

 

 

            Willow walked in the hospital room. She laid her hand on Angel’s shoulder.  “Angel, the doctor wants to talk to us. They got her CAT scans back.”

 

 

            Angel nodded and rose stiffly. He bent over and kissed Buffy’s forehead. “I’ll be right back, Buffy,” he whispered as if he expected her to nod or say okay. She didn’t. She hadn’t moved or made any sort of response in two days.

 

 

            They followed the doctor into an empty room. He had Buffy’s CAT scans already up on light boxes. He turned off the lights and switched on the boxes. “Mr. Giles has explained to me about the seizures Buffy gets. We have found no explanation for these seizures in any of the tests we’ve run.  I know they result in horrible migraines for her and she took a number of pain pills to combat them.” The doctor gestured to the scans on the light boxes. “These are Buffy’s CAT Scans. I don’t have prior scans to compare it too so I added a scan of a healthy brain, so you’d get an idea of what I’m talking about. The red areas are hot areas, what you’d normally expect of a healthy, functioning brain. The green and yellow areas signify dead brain tissue.” The doctor allowed his words to sink in.

 

 

            Angel swallowed hard and struggled against letting the demon out. Buffy’s scans were primarily green and yellow.

 

 

            “You’re saying her brain is dying?” Giles said.

 

 

            The doctor nodded. “Normally you wouldn’t see a scan like this. I only assume from what I know that these seizures attack Buffy’s brain. We can give her some anti seizure medicine, see if it helps.”

 

 

            “She-you can’t live without a brain,” Willow choked out.

 

 

            Angel moved faster then anyone could track. One second he was standing next to Willow the next he had the doctor pinned the wall by his throat. “You’re wrong. Find some way to help her. I don’t care how, but you’re wrong.” He growled.

 

 

            “Angel, let him go. It’s not his fault, let him go.” Giles said calmly in the same tone you use with a wild, rabid animal. He placed one hand on Angel’s shoulder and pulled back a little, knowing there was no chance of him pulling the vampire off the doctor if he really wanted to hurt him.

 

 

            “Angel, “Willow said and it sounded strangled. It was her soft voice and her gentle hand on Angel’s shoulder that actually made the vampire move. He darted his gaze toward her, he had somehow managed to control the demon for the most part but his eyes were gold. He stared at Willow a moment and finally lowered his hand and stepped back. His eyes had gone back to their deep, chocolate brown. He mumbled something that sounded like I’m sorry and dashed out of the room. Willow and Xander followed him, leaving Giles to make apologies to the doctor.

 

 

            “I’m terribly sorry. He-they’ve been separated for sometime by circumstances and they’ve just now gotten to make a life together.” Giles trailed off. He wasn’t sure how you apologized for choking someone.

 

 

            The doctor nodded and rubbed his throat. He took a moment before speaking and when he did his voice was rough. “Yes, well I wish I had more hopeful news for him, for all of you. I don’t. I’m going to order some more tests but for the most part if she wakes up, I’ll send her home.”

 

 

            “How much time do you think she has?” Giles made himself ask. He couldn’t say her name. It would bring it all home and he couldn’t deal with his slayer dying and remain coherent at the same time.

 

 

            The doctor shook his head. He refrained from referring to her by name also, as if he understood. “I don’t know. She shouldn’t be alive now these scans. She- I’d say it was impossible except that obviously it’s not.”

 

 

            Giles chuckled and smiled slightly. Tears rushed to his eyes, “She’s spent most of her life defying what most people define as impossible.” He turned to go and stopped at the door. “Thank you, Doctor.”

 

 

            Giles walked back into the waiting room to find Xander and Willow gathered around Dawn. The brunette was sobbing in Xander’s arms. Willow patted her back awkwardly. When she saw Giles she stood up and went to him. She caught him in a hug and Giles’ arms went around her almost awkwardly. He had almost forgotten in the crisis that he had another daughter in all but name. Willow was his almost as much as Buffy was. He started to murmur nonsensical shallow things meant to be comforting like “It will be okay,” but he realized it wouldn’t be okay not now. Maybe in a few months, after Buffy-after it was all over, but now it wasn’t okay and it wouldn’t be for a long time.

 

 

            “Where’s Angel?” Giles asked.

 

 

            Willow pulled away. “He said there were some people he had to talk to and then he ran out of here.”

 

 

            Giles looked at her perplexed and then glanced at his watch. “But it’s broad daylight.”

 

 

            “I’m assuming he knew that G-man and took the sewers to whoever he’s got such a mad on to see. Maybe it’s someone about anger management because you know I don’t like that doctor anymore then he does right now but choking, that’s an anger management issue if I ever saw one.” Xander babbled. He did that when he was distressed.

 

 

            Giles glanced at Xander and Dawn sitting next to him. “Xander, why don’t I take Dawn back to the hotel? You and Willow can stay here with Buffy. You’ll call if there’s any change.”

 

 

            “Sure thing,” Xander said. He turned to Willow, “want to head up to the snack machine with me? This is going to require lots of sugar and preservatives that no human being can pronounce.”

 

 

            Willow nodded. She hugged Dawn briefly and waved a little at Giles.

 

 

            “Someone will come back to relieve you two in a few hours. If Angel returns, please let us know.” Giles said. He was worried about the vampire and what he might do.

 

 

 

*

 

 

            Angel stood in front of the Oracles. Fury and rage rolled off of him and made the room seem small and claustrophobic somehow.

 

 

            “Take them back. You can fold a day. Fold this all back to sometime before the visions started killing her.” Angel said.

 

 

            “We can not.” The female said simply. Her voice seemed to hold regret and sympathy for he situation.

 

 

            “You can’t or you won’t?” Angel asked.

 

 

            “You heard her. We can not.” The male said. “You do not realize what you are asking. She begin to die from the moment she had the very first vision. You are asking us to fold time back an entire year. We can not do that.” His voice by contrast was cold and empty. Angel knew the only help he would get would come from the female.

 

 

            Angel turned his gaze to the female. “Please, I’ll give up anything. I’ll give up my existence, my soul, anything just name your price.”

 

 

            The female shook her head and looked away. Angel would swear there were tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry. There is nothing we can do.” She met his gaze again and there were tears glistening in her eyes. “Your pain is palatable. If there were anything I could do, I would.”

 

 

            “My shanshu, take my shanshu. Give the life I’m supposed to have to her.” Angel pleaded.

 

 

            The female shook her head slowly. She stepped closer to Angel and laid an outstretched hand on his cheek.  A single tear trickled down her face. “Do you know how long it has been since a lower being’s pain has brought me to tears? No, you can not. Let it suffice to say, I do not remember the last time and my memory is most excellent. If I could restore her, I would merely because your pain is so great I can feel it but I can’t.”

 

 

            Angel stepped away from the Oracle’s touch. Rage replaced pain in his eyes. “No! I don’t accept that! Don’t you understand the visions are killing her!” He screamed.

 

 

            “She knew that would be the price when she took them.” The male said.

 

 

            Angel looked to the female for confirmation. She nodded. “It is the burden she chose to bear.” Her voice was almost a whisper.

 

 

             “Then I quit. If the almighty, great Powers that Be let her die, I quit.” Angel spit out.

 

 

            The female smiled slightly. “Don’t you realize, she wasn’t supposed to be here anyway? Her life, this time around, was a gift to her and to you. She’s died twice before and twice before she was granted new life, you were granted a new chance. The Powers don’t give gifts of such magnitude lightly.”

 

 

            “Then they can do it again.” Angel said.

 

 

            The female just looked at him, sympathy and sadness etching her face. The male watched her for a moment and then turned to Angel. “You have upset my sister. Now take your petty mortal problems and pain and be gone.”

 

 

            “I quit!” Angel screamed as the male threw him back through the gateway. He landed hard on the rock floor. He lay there and let sobs rack his body. After he cried himself dry he picked himself up and took the sewers back to the hospital.

 

 

 

            Angel was kneeling beside her bed the next day when her eyes fluttered open. Buffy smiled slightly at him. “Hey,” her voice was rough and quiet.

 

 

            Angel smiled at her. “Morning, sleepyhead.”

 

 

            She stretched her arms above her head and yawned. “How long was I out?”

 

 

            “Almost four days.” Angel answered.

 

 

            “Wow, so probably caught up on my sleep.”

 

 

            He smiled at her. “Can I get you anything?”

 

 

            “Yeah, I want out of here. Take me home.” Buffy said.

 

 

            The doctor signed Buffy out quickly. Angel wasn’t sure if he was afraid he was going to be choked again or not.  He handed him a sheaf of papers and instructions along with a bottle of seizure medication. “I’m not sure what to tell you to expect because I’ve never encountered anything like this before. If anything happens that you’re uncomfortable taking care of, my pager number is there. Feel free to call it any time day or night.”

 

           

            Angel nodded. “Th-thank you.” He managed to say.

 

 

            “For what it’s worth, I am sorry.” The doctor said.

 

 

            Angel merely nodded. If he started speaking he was going to end up in tears again and Buffy didn’t need that. He had to be strong, for her.

 

 

            Buffy walked out of her room dressed in jeans that were too big and a bulky, pale blue sweater. Somehow in four days she seemed to have gotten smaller, more fragile. There were dark circles under her eyes and her face seemed hollowed out. Angel extended his hand and Buffy walked to him. Her fingers laced with his.

 

 

            “Ready to go?” He asked.

 

 

            She nodded. “Please,”

 

 

 

            Willow threw a Welcome Home Buffy party. Everyone laughed and smiled and it sounded hollow.  Dawn ran out in the middle of it. Giles went after her. They returned a little while later with red swollen eyes and too bright smiles.

 

 

            Buffy kept having visions but she no longer made any pretense of going with Angel, Wes, Gunn and Xander, who went just to have something to do, to fight. She took a handful of pain pills and retreated to the dark of her and Angel’s room until they returned, vision problem taken care of.  The demons the visions led them too didn’t have a chance. They were the only ones Angel could take his anger and rage out on. He knew every vision was killing her just a little more and that killed him. The only thing he could do to help was take care of the problem as quickly as possible so that she wouldn’t be in pain any longer then necessary.

 

 

            As if by some unspoken agreement, everyone stayed at the hotel. Angel knew they would be there until she was gone. She had brought them here, it was only appropriate that her leaving would mean they would leave also. The lobby of the hotel was a constant flurry of activity. Buffy tried to stay down there with everyone else as much as possible. She would fall asleep on that funny round couch and wake up with a crick in her neck. Angel had Gunn go buy the biggest, softest couch he could find. The delivery men parked it right in the middle of the lobby at Angel’s instruction.  It became known as Buffy’s couch because she spent most of her time curled up on it amid blankets and pillows.

 

 

            Wes, Giles and Willow spent all their spare time researching. There were piles upon piles of books in the lobby. There wasn’t a lot of information on visions and the effects they had on humans and what there was wasn’t hopeful. They kept looking. Wes was convinced that there had to be a way to save Buffy. In the mean time, she got weaker. She forgot things, events and one day she forgot Giles’ name.  She stumbled up the stairs and locked herself in the bedroom.

 

 

            Angel stood outside the door for a little while, pleading with her to let him in. Finally he twisted the door latch and popped the lock. He went in quietly, shutting the door behind him.  Buffy looked up at him from the bed with red swollen eyes.

 

 

            “One of these days I’ll forget your name.” She said.

 

 

            Tears rushed to his eyes. “Then I’ll remind you.” He walked to the bed and set down on the edge. Buffy had a yellow legal pad on her lap.

 

 

            “Will you be my witness?” She asked.

 

 

            “For what?” He said.

 

 

            She gestured to the legal pad. “My will, I need to write it before I forget everything or you know, die.”

 

 

            “Buffy, you’re not-“Angel started.

 

 

            She held a hand up, palm out. “Angel, I know I’m dying. I can feel it. Besides, I’ve seen the CAT scans. The doctor doesn’t know how my brain is even functioning with all the dead tissue that shows up. Please, I don’t want to leave you. Don’t make it harder then it has to be.” Tears glistened in her eyes.

 

 

            Angel nodded. He couldn’t make the words come so he just nodded.

 

 

            “Okay, so I’m leaving the house to Dawn. I’m going to see if Giles will be her guardian. I think if I leave it in my will, the court will respect it.  She’ll be eighteen in another year anyway. I’ll leave the car to Dawn also, even though it scares me to think of her driving. She’s as good with cars as I was at her age.  The rest of my stuff is yours. It’s mostly just stuff, but there’s Mr. Gordo and I know you and he have something special together and my diaries, after you read them if you’d let Giles go through them for anything that will help the Council and the other slayers…” Buffy trailed off. She looked up at Angel and the tears that she’d been holding back burst forth. “Can you just hold me, please.”

 

 

            Angel wrapped his arms around her, drawing her into himself and laid down.  She cried into his chest and his tears dripped into her hair.  It was finally beginning to sink in that he was going to have to figure out life without his beautiful girl in it.    

 

 

           

 

Chapter Fifteen

            Buffy screamed and dug her fingers into the arm of the couch as the vision hit her. They were beginning to hurt more. It was funny, she’d have thought they would hurt less as more and more of her brain died. “171 Oak , big demon, girl in the house. Don’t let her send you away.” Buffy choked out.

 

 

            Angel, Wes, and Gunn grabbed weapons and were out the door in seconds. Xander stayed behind to help Buffy.  Angel didn’t mess around with the visions anymore. Even more important then saving the people in the vision was putting Buffy out of her pain. The only way to do that was to save the people in the vision as quickly as possible.

 

 

            Willow sorted out Buffy’s pain pills. She filled a glass of water from the cooler and handed them to the tiny blond.

 

 

            Buffy looked up at her and tears streamed down her cheeks. She gulped the pills down and tried to stand up. Her knees buckled and she would have hit the floor but Willow caught her. Buffy dragged Willow down to the floor with her and sat there sobbing.  Giles of all people scooped Buffy up in his arms and carried her to her bedroom. He tucked her into bed and smoothed the hair back from her forehead, damp and sticky with a cold sweat.

 

 

            “Giles, I’m sorry I forgot your name last week.” She whispered.

 

 

            Giles shook his head and tears filled his eyes. He took his glasses off and begin cleaning them with a handkerchief. “Oh, my dear, dear girl.”

 

 

            “You know it doesn’t mean I forgot you. I could never forget you. All these years, you’ve been so much more then my watcher. You’ve been my father in every way that ever counted. I know you weren’t supposed to love me but thank you.” Buffy said.

 

 

            “Buffy, you are the daughter I never had and I could no more not love you then I could stop breathing. It is I who should thank you for allowing me the privilege and honor of having such a position in your life.” Giles said.

 

 

            “Even if it hurts after I’m gone?” Buffy asked.

 

 

            “It will hurt. It will hurt more then anything has ever hurt in my life and still I am privileged to have known you.” Giles said.

 

 

            “You’ll make sure Dawnie doesn’t forget me, right?” Buffy said.

 

 

            “We could never forget you, not any of us for one moment.” Giles assured her.

 

 

            Buffy nodded. “I don’t know if I’ve ever told you, but I love you, Giles.”

 

 

            Giles squeezed Buffy’s hand. “I love you.” He struggled with the tears that filled his eyes. He was British and the British didn’t cry.

 

 

            “Will you send Dawnie up here for me, please?” Buffy asked.

 

 

            Giles nodded and stood up. He left the room silently. There was nothing left to say. Words were terribly inadequate at a time like this.

 

 

            Buffy sat propped up on pillows. She smoothed her hair down and grabbed the ever present box of Kleenex. She dabbed at her eyes and took a deep breath as Dawn opened the door. Buffy smiled as brightly as she could and patted the bed. Dawn sat down and curled up against her. Buffy put an arm around her shoulders.

 

 

            “Dawnie, you know I love you, right?” Buffy said.

 

 

            Dawn nodded.

 

 

            “Ok, so you’re not a little girl anymore and even if you were I don’t think we’re doing a good job of hiding this. I’m dying and I don’t really think I have much longer. The next vision-“Buffy started.

 

 

            “No, Wes is researching and Giles and Willow-they’ll find something, Buffy.” Dawn interrupted.

 

 

            Buffy shook her head. “No, sweetie, they aren’t going too. It’s okay though.  I’ve gotten to see you grow up into the most beautiful young woman and I really wanted that.  Do you remember what I told you on that tower, before I jumped?”

 

 

            Dawn nodded, tears were streaming down her cheeks.

 

 

            “I mean it. I want you to live. Do all the things you want to do and cherish every single second of your life. I want you to fall in love and when you do don’t be stupid like I was. Don’t let anything come between the two of you.  I want you to get married and have kids and be in love until you’re a little old wrinkled lady.  I saved the world for you, Dawnie because I want you to have the whole world.” Buffy said.

 

 

            “Without you-what if I can’t?” Dawn sobbed.

 

 

            “You can. You’re not alone. You’ve got Giles and Willow and Xander and Angel and Wes and Gunn. And I’m always watching over you, Dawnie, your own personal guardian angel. You can do anything you want to do, and I’ll know if you don’t. I’ll come down and rattle some chains at you or something.” Buffy said with a slight grin.

 

 

            Dawn nodded.  Buffy held her while she cried and somehow a measure of peace came over her. At some point her head stopped hurting and she knew the vision problem had been taken care of. Dawn pulled away after a little while, sniffling and wiping at her nose with a tissue.

 

 

            “You okay now?” Buffy asked.

 

 

            Dawn nodded slightly.

 

 

            “Ok, send Xander and Willow up next.”

 

 

            Buffy picked up the stuffed pig, Mr. Gordo that lay beside her in bed. She hugged him tight and drew what strength she could from him. Saying goodbye to her friends was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do and it would only get worse. Eventually she was going to have to say goodbye to Angel.

 

 

            Xander and Willow walked in the room after a one soft knock on the door. They sat down on the bed, one on each side of her, holding her up.

 

 

            “So, Buffster, what’s up?” Xander joked with tears in his eyes.

 

 

            Buffy smiled up at him. “Oh, scarecrow I’m going to miss you the most.”

 

 

            Xander took a moment to swallow the sob that caught in his throat. “So it’s movie trivia. Alright, I’ll bite, Wizard of Oz.”

 

 

            Willow was crying silently beside her.

 

 

            “I really don’t have to tell you guys anything. You know, you’re my best friends and I wouldn’t have made it this far without you.  Just know, where I’m going, I’ll always be watching over you and Will, promise me, no matter how bad it hurts. This is it. Even if Angel asks you and he probably will, don’t.”

 

 

            Willow nodded. “I promise, no matter what.”

 

 

            Buffy nodded. “Xander, you were always my heart. You’re the reason I kept going even when it was broken. And Willow, you’re my strength. When I wanted to quit, you wouldn’t let me. I wouldn’t have made it this far without you two. A slayer isn’t supposed to have friends. Instead, I have two of the greatest friends a girl ever had. Thanks for sticking it out. I know it wasn’t easy. I’m counting on you both to get Giles through this.”

 

 

            “We will, Buffy. We won’t let him quit either.” Willow said.

 

 

            “And if he tries, I’ll annoy him to death.” Xander promised with a weak smile.

 

 

            “I knew I could count on you guys. I always have. I need to rest a little bit. When the boys get back, send Wes and Gunn up if you would.”

 

 

            Willow walked calmly out of the room, Xander at her side. When the door shut behind them she ran down the hall, making a strangled sound in her throat. Xander followed her.  They locked themselves in Willow’s room and cried. Losing Buffy the first time had been hard but it had been sudden. There weren’t words for how hard it was to watch her die this time.

 

 

            Angel wanted to go up to see Buffy as soon as they returned. Willow stopped him with red eyes and a soft voice. “She wants to see Gunn and Wes first. She’ll send for you when she’s done talking to them.”

 

 

            Angel swallowed hard. “She’s saying goodbye isn’t she?”

 

 

            Willow refused to meet his eyes. She nodded so slightly he might have missed it if he hadn’t been looking so hard. Angel squeezed his hands into tight fists. He went completely still for a moment and then he turned on his heel and headed for the basement. “I’ll be in the training room when she needs me.” He said.

 

 

            Wes’ soft knock woke Buffy up from the short nap she was taking. She sat up and rubbed her eyes.

 

 

            “Come in,” She said and managed a smile when she saw Wes and Gunn. Wes dragged a chair close to the bed and sat down. Gunn paced the room.

 

 

            “I wanted to thank you both for taking care of him all those years when he had the visions. You could have staked him or left him and you didn’t. Thank you. After this is over, see if there’s any way the council can get Faith out. The world is going to need a slayer and Faith could use friends like you guys. “

 

 

            “Then you don’t think a new slayer will be called?” Wes asked.

 

 

            Buffy shook her head. “No, there wasn’t one called when I jumped into the portal. I messed up the slayer line when I died the first time. Faith is in charge of the slayer line now.  When you get her out, tell her I forgave for everything and I’m sorry that I couldn’t do it sooner.”

 

 

            Wes nodded. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the arrogant, pompous fool I was when I was in Sunnydale, I’m sorry that I wasn’t a better watcher-“

 

 

            Buffy stopped him with a light hand on his arm. “No, Wes. You more then made up for all of that. It wouldn’t have mattered if you were a Giles clone, hell you were a Giles clone until I got a hold of him, I wouldn’t have accepted you.” She looked up at Gunn and held out her hand. He stood beside the bed and took her hand in his. “Keep up the fight. It’s a good one. Angel told me one time that we don’t fight because we can win. We fight because there are things worth fighting for. And he was right, this is worth fighting for, all of this. He might forget that after I’m gone but you two don’t. Keep up the fight.”

 

 

            Gunn pulled away and turned his back. There were tears in his eyes. He nodded.

 

 

            “Okay, send the Broody guy up.” Buffy said.

 

 

           

            Angel was wasting time. When they’d first come back he couldn’t wait to see her again. Now he knew she was saying her goodbyes and he wanted to put it off as long as possible. How was he supposed to say goodbye to his entire world? He took a shower in Wes’ room. He grabbed clothes from the dryer downstairs. Finally he couldn’t put it off anymore. She was waiting for him and he hated to keep her waiting. He cut flowers from the courtyard and carried them upstairs. He knocked softly on the door and stepped in. Buffy had lit some candles by the bed. She smiled at him.

 

           

            “Hey,” she patted the bed beside her. Angel walked over and handed her the flowers. She buried her nose in them breathing deep and smiled. “Thank you.” He sat down beside her and wrapped his arms around her. “How did the vision go?” she asked.

 

 

            “It wasn’t a problem. She accidentally raised a demon, we took care of it.” Angel said.

 

 

            Buffy rested her head on Angel’s chest and closed her eyes. “I’m so tired, Angel.”

 

 

            He stroked her hair and placed a kiss on the crown of her head but he couldn’t bring himself to tell her that it was okay to sleep.

 

 

            “Remember our reflection?” Buffy asked.

 

 

“You mean yours?” Angel said.

 

 

            She shook her head. “No, ours, how when we stand in front of a mirror, I can’t see you but I know your still there.”

 

 

            He remembered the Christmas Eve that seemed so long ago. It had been a little more then two weeks. He nodded. “I remember. It made you smile.”

 

 

            “We’re like that, Angel. I’ll always be there, even when you can’t see me. Our souls are so intertwined that we can’t be separated anymore. As long as you walk this earth, my soul walks with you.” Buffy whispered.

 

 

            He could almost feel her slipping through his arms. “Buffy, please, don’t leave me yet.” Tears stung the back of his throat. Buffy tilted her head up. Angel leaned down and kissed her lightly. She laid her hand on the back of his neck and threaded her fingers in his hair.

 

 

            “I love you, I’ve loved you since the beginning of time and I’ll love you when all the time is gone.” She whispered.

 

 

            “Buffy,” He started and then he felt it. Her breath shuddered out between her lips and caressed his face. His chest constricted and he gasped for breath. His heart pounded hard in his chest and it was breaking.  He shook her slightly but knew it was no use. She had taken her last breath, as he took his first. He gathered her into his arms and wrapped himself around her body. He cried all the tears he’d held back for over two weeks, all the tears he hadn’t shed because he was trying to be strong for her.  Inside he screamed and cursed the life he’d been given while hers was taken.

 

 

*

 

 

One Year Later

 

 

 

-Angel-

 

 

            I stand on my front porch and look out at the rising sun. It is a bright orangey pink that reminds me of a color Buffy might have painted her nails when I first met her. It’s been almost a year since her death and everything still makes me think of her.

 

 

            After she died I made good on my word, I quit. I stopped slaying vampires, demons or anything else bigger then a high school history class.  I called in some favors and got a set of official looking papers. I now have a birth certificate, a driver’s license, a social security number and a degree from a tiny college no one has ever heard of that lets me teach high school history in this tiny little town in Colorado. They were thrilled to have me. They say I’m over qualified, if they only knew the truth. I’m Mr. Summers, a favorite teacher, to fifty high school kids and the students are constantly amazed that I can make history interesting. They don’t know I didn’t study history and read about it in a book. I lived two hundred and fifty years of it.

 

 

            I take a sip of my coffee and the morning sun glints off the claddagh ring I still wear. Last week one of the teachers at the school asked me out on a date. I smiled politely and thanked her and told her I was married. It’s true, for the rest of my life I will be married to Buffy. She took my heart with her when she died. I don’t have it to give to anyone else.

 

 

            I turn to go into the cabin. I’ve got to finish getting things ready. Its Christmas Eve morning and Giles, Willow, Wes, Gunn, Dawn, Xander and Faith are all due here in a few hours. It’s our first Christmas without Buffy and we’re going to survive it the only way we know how, together.

 

 

            I walk in the house and catch a glimpse of my reflection as I walk past an antique mirror. It’s still a shock to me that it’s there. I stop and look at my reflection. I know she’s there, even though I can’t see her standing there beside me, smiling, always smiling. It’s taken a long time for me to come to terms with my humanity and Buffy’s death. I finally figured it out though. I realize now she was my reward, not the shanshu. Shanshu was just an end to an eternal punishment. No matter what without it I would have had to walk an eternity without Buffy. Now I only have to live fifty or sixty years without her. And to someone that’s over 250 years old, 60 years goes in the blink of an eye. It’s my burden to bear but it’s one that I can bear, because eventually I’ll get to go home. Just give me a little bit of time Baby, I’m coming home to you.