Title: Does He Know She Kisses Like Me?

Summary: A rewrite of Btvs Season 4 Finale, starting at The Yoko Factor. Many of the events in this story did take place on the screen. I just added a BA slant to it. Rated PG

Two      Three      Four      Five     Six       Seven

Chapter One

-Angel-



I don’t know why I’m torturing myself this way. I mean, yes I want her to move on with her life, but I don’t want to watch it. I want her to have sunshine and picnics, a house with a picket fence, kids and a dog, but I want her to have it all with me, not the cretin in her room. So why am I standing here in the bushes outside her dorm room watching her and Solider boy. She’s in there consoling him right now. I can’t take my eyes off of her.  I wanted her to move on with her life, but did she have to pick a moron to do it with?

Idiot actually thought I was Angelus, as if he’d be alive right now. Angelus would have flayed the boy alive after torturing him seven ways to Sunday. Now he stood up there in her room daring to touch her.

[Minemineminekillhimshe’smine!]

The demon in me is screaming to get out, to just have one chance in a dark alley with the boy. He is as obsessed with her as I am. I watch her lean in, her hand on his chest over his heart, his beating heart. [ripitoutfeedittothedogsMinemineminemine]

I lied. I told her I wanted her to move on. In the deepest recess of my unbeating heart, I wanted her to wait forever, to love me forever, the same way she did when I walked into the smoke, the same way I will love her forever. It seems like it was a lifetime ago, really only a year. My demon had howled at me then too. My soul had screamed.

He’s still in there. He’s probably whining over the bruises I gave him. Lucky I didn’t rip his all American normal Joe head right off his shoulders. [killtorturemaimkillhimshe’smine]

I close my eyes and take a deep breath of night air that I don’t need. She still keeps her window open. The whole night smells like vanilla and something else uniquely her. [Mine] I snarl, keeping the demon in check. It’s right. She smells like mine. [mymarkmineminemine] Have I mentioned the demon has serious possessive jealousy problems when it comes to her?

Thank God, I think he’s finally leaving. Here it comes, the part I’ve been dreading all night. She leans forward, slips one tiny hand to the back of his neck, her fingers curling in his hair. Her lips meet his and I growl. I remember kissing her. She was so young, so inexperienced. The only kisses she’d ever known before me were immature adolescent kisses from teenage boys that couldn’t be bothered to take their time. I have had 243 years to learn kissing is an art. It was an art she learned very well. She was always a quick learner when given incentive. I watch as she just nips his bottom lip. [MinemykissmylipsherbloodmybloodmymarkMINE] Just the thought of it spurs that little half growl half purr noise I used to make in the back of my throat that she loved so much. I bet he doesn’t purr for her. I turn to leave. I wonder if he knows she kisses like me.

Chapter Two

-Buffy-


He’s out there lurking. He’s forgotten I can feel him. Riley actually thought he was evil again. First of all, I should have slapped him for thinking such a thing. I figure he’s gotten beaten down enough tonight as it is. Secondly, ok it is Angel but see first of all. Why did he have to look so good? He could have at least had the decency to show up looking like crap. Ok, so I’ve never actually seen Angel look like crap. Even after a century or so in Hell, he was beautiful. It’s not really fair to Riley. How is he supposed to compare.

Ok, Buffy, get it together. Riley is your boyfriend, your normal boyfriend, your very non creature of the night boyfriend. Angel left you, remember. Doesn’t matter my heart screams. Bad heart, very very bad heart. I catch a glimpse of Riley and me in the mirror. I hate that. I step forward, edging him out of the mirror.

I don’t know what Riley is saying. I’m trying to pay attention, really, but he’s out there, lurking. I lean forward and tiptoe to kiss Riley.  I know Riley’s taller but Angel seems bigger somehow. He fills up a space when he’s in it, or maybe it’s that the lights go dim everywhere else when he’s in a room. He taught me how to kiss. There were many nights spent in the cemeteries. Nights we were supposed to patrol, nights I couldn’t have cared if vampires over ran the city. The only one I cared about was kissing me. I wanted to die when he kissed me. In the romance novels the heroine’s knees always go weak when the hero kisses her. I thought that was just silly. I mean come on, it’s a kiss. This is not an amazing revolution or a life changing moment. And then he kissed me. It’s true my knees went weak, I couldn’t breath, and my toes went numb. I wanted to die. I moan softly just thinking about it. Riley looks at me oddly. I don’t think I’ve ever made that noise around him. My knees do not go weak when Riley kisses me and much to my dismay, I find I can breathe just fine.

I watch out the window as Riley leaves through the back door. Angel’s walked on. I can still feel him but it’s not as strong. I don’t even waste time with a jacket. I run out the front door and down the sidewalk, pausing at the end, trying to decide which way to go. My Angel senses tell me to the right.

He’s there, melting into the shadows in the way only he can.

“Angel,” I yell breathlessly. I really didn’t run that far or that hard. The only excuse for my breathlessness is turning and looking at me. I walk up to him. Keep it together, Buffy. Keep it casual. I take a deep breath and try to slow my heartbeat down, knowing he can hear it.

“Buffy,” He says softly. Why can’t Riley say my name like that? Angel caresses it. I’ve always known my name sounds kind of silly. It sounds silly coming out of Riley’s mouth. It sounds perfect when Angel says it.

I don’t know why I came down here. We said everything we needed to say. This is just redundant. It only makes saying goodbye harder, and saying goodbye to Angel is never easy. It feels like he’s being ripped from me every time he leaves.

I can’t help it. I throw myself at him, my lips finding his and I’m falling into him. Everything narrows down to just our lips. His are cool and soft, teasing on mine. His mouth is cool. I love the way it takes on the warmth of mine. I love the way his cool tongue warms inside my mouth, the way he slides it across my lips and suckles at my bottom lip. My knees go weak. He holds me up with one strong arm around my waist and I know if it weren’t for that I would fall.

When our lips separate the world falls back into place with an audible pop. I touch my fingers to my lips, desperate to seal the kiss in place. I turn and run back to my dorm room.

Chapter Three

-Buffy-

I’m jittery. I can’t go to sleep. It still feels like he’s out there. It could just be residual butterflies from that kiss. Oh God, why did I go kiss him? I’d almost forgotten what kissing Angel was like, ok so I hadn’t but I’d almost managed to convince my self that I’d almost forgotten what kissing Angel was like. I’ve just got to get out of here, get some air and walk it off. Please, please, please let there be a vamp or two, or a whole horde, out tonight.

I head to Restfield cemetery. I haven’t patrolled there in a couple of days and it’s bound to have something worth hunting, or at least that’s my fondest wish. I can’t make the tingles go away, it’s like the very air is charged with magic. I roll my shoulders and keep walking through the rows of headstones and crypts. I know I’m not being as stealthy as usual. I want to do cartwheels when I see a vamp leap the ornate wrought iron fence and amble toward a crypt.

I do a back handspring and land in front of him. “Sorry, I’m really off my game tonight. Ex came into town and you know how that can just completely throw everything off.” Like I said, I’m really off my game tonight. Seeing Angel threw me.

“I could always use a midnight snack.” Fang boy says.

I block a right hook and catch him in the chin with an uppercut. He stumbles back. I’m not entirely sure he knows who I am. I think he expected an easy kill. I’m really going to have to talk to my PR person. I catch him in the chest with a side kick. He falls to the ground. For Pete’s sake, I know I wasn’t specific when I wished for vamps but this guy isn’t even enough to get my mind off homework much less Angel. And just exactly who is Pete, I think as I pummel the vamp hook, jab, duck, sidekick, roundhouse. I mean he had to be someone important to have an entire saying made up about him. I think I went to high school with a Pete. Dodge, roundhouse, pop, shake it off, elbow to the ribs, flip the vamp over my head, stake to the heart. I totally went to school with a Pete. He was the Jekyll and Hyde guy. I killed him, or rather Angel did. And so things come back full circle to Angel.

I hop up on top of a tall headstone and perch there, my feet swinging. Riley is a good guy. Any girl with half a brain would want him. I mean he’s a complete hottie, he’s a sweet guy. He’s normal in each and every sense of the word. But when I close my eyes I see marble pale skin and dark, soulful eyes. When Riley and I pass a mirror, a large pane of glass, I avert my eyes from our reflections. I avoid laying my head on Riley’s chest. The thump thump there is so loud it hurts. I hate snuggling with him. His skin is hot and his breath is wet and all I want is to get away. I know I’m seriously screwed up. I jump off the headstone with a sigh.

“Is this a private brooding party, or can anyone join?” Angel says stepping out of the shadows.

“It’s invitation only.” I grumble. I can feel him turn to leave. “Angel, wait. Consider this your invitation. Sorry I’m a grumpy girl tonight.”

He falls into step beside me. He’s waiting me out. He knows if he’s silent long enough I’ll fess up and tell him what’s going on. I used to play a game with myself, just to see how long I could hold out. It was never more then a few minutes. Most things haven’t changed with time.

“I’m sorry, about earlier.” I say.

“You are?” I see the look of hurt that crosses his eyes.

“It’s-I just-it makes everything more confusing.” I start and stop, trying to explain.

“Confusing?”

“Riley doesn’t deserve this. He’s a good guy. He’s good to me. He loves me-“

“Buffy, I heard this in LA-“he starts saying.

“It’s not his fault that you own me heart and soul.” I finish

“I didn’t want to-“he falls silent as I finish speaking.

There’s a silence that falls over us. The tension is so thick you’d need a very sharp sword to cut it.

“I can’t do this, Angel. I can’t pretend to be happy anymore. I swear most days my face hurts from smiling all the time. I’m hurting an innocent, nice guy. I can’t do normal. I’m not normal. I’ve had the picnics in the sun and you know what, I find myself wishing for moonlight. I’ve been made love to and I felt more loved when you were holding me both of us trembling from wanting each other so much. Being normal is killing me, Angel.”
 
“What do you want, Buffy?” he asks me calmly.

“Did they amputate your brain in LA? I thought I just told you what I wanted.” God he is obviously the stupidest man on the planet.

“Buffy, nothing has changed. I can’t give you anymore then I could when I left you last year.” He says.

“And I didn’t want anymore then you could give last year, Angel.”

That thick silence envelopes us again. Mutually, silently we agree to walk back to my dorm room. We walk so close my shoulder brushes his arm but neither of us reach out to touch the other. We both know it would only take a touch, like embers to dry paper. We stop in front of the dorm hall. I turn to face him.

“Think about it, Buffy. Think about everything you’d be giving up.”

“I have.” My voice wavers a bit and I hate myself for it.

“Think about it some more. I’ll be close by when you decide you want to talk.” He leans toward me. I think he’s going to kiss me. Please let him kiss me. He takes a step backwards. I can see what that step costs him in his eyes. He wants to give me time to think, time uncluttered by kisses and promises. He takes another step backwards. I watch him go.

“Angel, no matter what, I’m still your girl.” I whisper

He smiles at me that special half smile reserved for me and me alone and I know he heard me.

Chapter Four

-Angel-


I don’t know why I’m here, or rather I do and that’s the problem. I’m here because of her. I can’t get her out of my head, or my heart, or my soul. I couldn’t leave things alone, with all the hurt and the pain between us, after she came to LA. I had to come apologize. I had to make sure I hadn’t caused her any more pain. I had to make sure she knew I still love her, no matter what.
So now I’m back in Sunnydale and I’m preparing to make more promises that I want to keep more then I have ever wanted anything in my entire life. The problem is I still don’t know how to keep those promises.  I shouldn’t have made them. I should have left after she kissed me, but that kiss. That kiss sealed it. I couldn’t leave after that. I couldn’t leave knowing she’s not happy with GI Joe. I couldn’t leave knowing she can still kiss me like that. I couldn’t leave knowing she can still make me feel this way, knowing she can still make me feel alive.
I know I’m 243 years old. I should have learned how to stay away from a girl. I did, or I thought I did. I got really good at staying away from people. I did it for decades. Then the powers showed me her and she wasn’t just a girl, she was the girl, my girl. I couldn’t stay away from day one, which is why we’re in the situation we’re in. I wonder if they knew then that I’d fall in love with her, even more that she’d fall in love with me. Maybe they thought her natural slayer instincts would take over and keep her from feeling the way she did about me. If that’s the case they didn’t see her heart. They didn’t realize that her heart is her strength, so much more then any of her slayer powers.
Her heart, that emotional organ of hers I’m so good at breaking. I should leave. I should drive back to LA tonight. I could kick myself for telling her I’d be close by when she wanted to talk. What the hell was I thinking? I was thinking about the only thing I ever think about when Buffy is involved, Buffy.
I pull the dust cover off the bed in the mansion and lay down. I know I’m not going to sleep. I’m going to lie here with my hands under my head and brood. Maybe by the time she shows up I’ll have some answers. Right, some answers I didn’t think of in the 10 months since I left for LA. Answers I haven’t thought of every day of those months. Yeah, I’m sure I’ll come up with some of those answers in the next 12 hours.

*

She shows up before sunset. I can smell her; feel her before she gets here. It’s uncanny. I can smell when Cordelia is coming to work. She wears jasmine and peaches perfume. I can smell Wesley before he enters a room, Old Spice and musty books. Buffy is the only one I can feel. It’s a stirring in my ribcage, where my heart is, just a rustling at first. When she’s near it’s a full blown raging inferno. It feels like my heart is beating, it’s the only way I know how to describe it. There has never been another person on this earth that makes me feel that. I’m fairly certain that if I walk until the end of time, there never will be again.

I’m tending the fire when she walks in. I look up at her and smile faintly. She doesn’t say anything, just walks over to the couch and sits down. She folds her hands under chin. She’s to thin. I start to chastise her for not eating and decide this isn’t the time. Eventually I stand up and go sit down on the couch next to her.

“I told Riley I was going over to Giles.” She finally says.

What the hell is she telling me this for? Why do I care if Soldier Boy thinks she’s here or in Never never land? I nod.

“What are we doing here, Angel?” She drops her hands to her lap and looks at me. Her eyes are filled with hurt, pain, doubt and buried beneath it all, hope.

“I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about that since I left you this morning in front of your dorm building.” Oh, yeah I came up with some real nice answers in those 12 hours I tried to sleep. Most of them involved throwing her on the floor, or the bed, or even the table and showing her just how much I missed her, just how much I loved her and wanted her. Something I can’t actually do, or I’ll try and suck the world into hell. Good answers.

“I can’t do all this again. I can’t have the whole Buffy and Angel house of pain thing going on. It’s not that my life is that great right now, most of the time it sucks beyond belief but I don’t spend half my time deliriously happy and the other half in gut wrenching tears. It’s stable and constant and it hurts all the damn time, but at least I know what every day is going to be like.” Tears glisten in her eyes as she says this.

“Buffy, I’m sorry. I deal with the same thing in LA. I spend all my time trying to convince Cordelia and Wes that I’m not drowning. It hurts beyond bearing.”

“But we have to bear.” She says resigned.

I stand up. It’s easier for me think when I’m not so close to her. “I have a life in LA, Buffy. I’m doing good things, I’m helping the powers. I can’t leave that behind but I can’t leave you behind either. I’ve tried that way and to quote you, that way lies badness.”
She smiles a bit at me. Good God in the Heaven’s above, has she always looked like that when she smiles?

“Nothing has changed. My soul is still an issue. I can’t give you anymore then I could last year. You need to understand that.” Here I go making promises again that I don’t know how I’m going to keep.

“Angel, I thought a year apart, a year in LA would bring some things to light. Apparently it didn’t. So I’ll enlighten you. Do I want to go on picnics in the sun, yes. Do I want marriage and a white picket fence, yes. Do I want kids, yes. Do I want the dog and the mini van and the whole American dream goodness, hell yes, with you. You’re the deal closer on all my dreams. If I can’t have those things with you, I don’t want them. I don’t want to have anyone else’s children, I don’t want to walk down the aisle and see anyone else standing there waiting for me. I don’t want to nag at anyone else to take out the trash or sit on blankets in the sunshine with anyone else. I want you, if that means moonlight walks and staying in the shadows, then those are the things I want. Those are all I need to make me happy. I remember one time you told me that you don’t feel frustrated around me. It was nice just to feel. That’s how I feel now. Its nice to just feel.”

Part of me rages, knowing what’s about to come out of my mouth, the other part knows I have to say it. I have to be sure. She has to be sure. “Riley seems to be crazy about you.”

“He is. I’m not. Last night in the graveyard when I was doing my invitation only brooding, you want to know what I was thinking. I was thinking I hate seeing Riley’s reflection in the mirror with mine. I hate that his skin is so damn hot. I hate that his breath is warm. I hate that he snores and breaths hot, wet air on me. I hate that when I lay my head on his chest the beating of his heart is so damn loud that I can’t think. I hate that when we train I have to pull my punches. I hate that his feelings get hurt if I don’t wait for him to gather his ‘team’ so we can go kill one demon that would take me 10 minutes to take out on my own. I hate that Riley isn’t you.”

I take a deep shuddery breath. “I don’t know how we’re going to do this.”

“Do what?” There’s that hope shining in her eyes. There’s also fear. She’s afraid to hope anymore. Did I do that to her? I must have, one more thing to make amends for on a very long list.

“Start trying to make a future together.” I say, afraid to look at her, afraid to see her reaction. I can hunt demons and vampires without fear. I can spend a hundred years in hell being tortured. I can face Oracles and the Powers that be and not be scared. I’m afraid a 5’2 hundred pound blond will take my heart and shatter it into a thousand pieces.

Chapter Five
 
 
A/N: This long neglected continuation of this story came of inspiration in the form of Tango’s story Landslide Principle and procrastination over The Burdens We Bear. Enjoy!
 
 
 
-Angel-
 
 
I knock on Giles’ front door. It’s odd and uncomfortable to be in this position again, but for Buffy I can deal with it. Giles answers looking a bit blurry and tired. I can smell the scotch he’s been drinking.
 
“Angel, does Buffy know you’re in town or is this about another vision?” Giles asks.
 
“She knows and it’s not about a vision. Can I come in?” I ask.
 
Giles nods and steps aside. I stand in the center of his living room with my hands in my pockets. “Buffy won’t tell me what’s going on but I know she’s in serious trouble this time. I’ve been doing some snooping around and the demons here are all excited about something.”
 
“Yes, that would be Adam.” Giles says. “Perhaps you should have a seat.”
 
This must be good if Giles is suggesting I have a seat for it. I listen with rapt attention as he tells me the details on Adam. When he’s finished I am left once again marveling at the stupidity of humans.
 
“What did she think she was doing?” I ask.
 
“We believe Professor Walsh thought she was creating the perfect solider. She didn’t realize Adam would get out of hand. She foolishly believed she could control something like Adam.” Giles says.
 
I growl. “Her foolishness put Buffy in danger.”
 
“If it’s any comfort Dr. Walsh has disappeared. Given Adam’s violent tendencies I strongly believe he killed her.” Giles says.
 
He’s right about one thing, it is a comfort. “How do we stop him?” I ask.
 
“We’ve been researching that and I believe we’ve come up with a plan. We have thrown everything we have at Adam and it wasn’t even enough to make him pause. He bats Buffy away from him like she’s a gnat. Weapons either don’t affect him or they feed him. We’ve surmised that the only way to defeat him is magic. The problem with that lies in the fact that most offensive spells require the caster to be in the room with his or her target. Adam won’t allow that. I’ve found an enjoining spell. It will join all of our essences into Buffy. She will possess all our knowledge, all our strengths. She will be able to cast offensive spells that Willow is even now learning. The combination of our essences together will make her stronger, more powerful then we can imagine.”
 
“What can I do? I want to help.” I say.
 
Giles sighs and takes his glasses off. He rubs at his eyes. “Have you spoken to Buffy?”
 
I know what he’s really asking is Does she want your help?  “Yes, I spoke to her earlier. She’s fine with me being here, Giles. It’s not like last time.” I try to assure him.
 
“Alright then, we have a mind, a heart and a spirit to enjoin, having a soul can only make the spell stronger.”
 
 
*
 
The Initiative headquarters have completely broken down. Chaos reigns. There are demons running all over the place, ripping into the humans and in some cases each other. The room we have to get to is just across the building, but the space in between very closely resembles something Dante might have described complete with fire. It seems most of the initiative is burning. We take off in a sprint across the room. Buffy is in the lead, clearing a path for Willow, Xander and Giles. I’m in the back making sure nothing attacks from behind. I see Buffy launch a side kick at one demon, knocking him out of the way. I grab another and give him a quick twist to the neck. His body drops to the ground. We’re almost to the door when Buffy shouts “Down!” as a solider fires a machine gun into the air. A staccato round of bullets slams into my shoulder. I shake it off and keep moving toward the door with 314 on it.
 
Once we make it inside we begin to barricade the door. Buffy looks around the room.
 
“This okay for magic central, Giles?” She asks.
 
“It should do.” Giles says.
 
Buffy nods and opens up a set of double doors. “Ok, once I go in there, barricade this behind me.”
 
Willow is setting out the magic supplies with shaky hands. Her face is marked with worry even I can see. I grab Buffy by the hand and pull her to me.  Her hand rests over my injured shoulder.

“Are you okay?” She asks. She presses slightly on the wound, allowing my blood to stain her hand.
 I take that hand and twine the fingers of my left hand with hers, blood staining both our hands. My blood, her blood it doesn’t matter. I tilt her chin up to my face with my other hand. “I can’t lose you now, not when I just got smart enough to know I need you.” I raise the hem of my shirt to wipe the blood off the palm of her hand.
 
“Don’t, leave it.” She smiles at me. “I’ll be fine. I’m not worried.”
 
“I am. Are you sure I can’t go in with you?” I ask.
 
She shakes her head. “You are going in with me. You’ll be of more use here, helping with the spell.”
 
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m with Deadboy here. I don’t like the idea of you going in there alone, Buff.” Xander said.
 
“I won’t be.” She says and then steps through the doors. Giles and Xander close the doors and move a cart in front of them.
 
We move to the center of the room where Willow has set things up. We sit down in a circle. Willow looks at Giles and nods.
 
“Mind,” Giles says.
 
“Heart,” Xander intones.
 
“Soul,” I breathe out.
 
“Spirit,” Willow says.
 
Giles lights a candle and Willow begins chanting.
 
“The power of the Slayer and all who yield it. Last to ancient first, we invoke thee. Grant us thy domain and primal strength. Accept us in the power we possess. Make us mind and heart and soul and spirit joy. Let the hand encompass us. Do thy will. We enjoin that we might inhabit the vessel—the hand…daughter of the Sineya…first of the ones. We implore thee, admit us, bring us into the vessel, take us now.”
 
I feel a tug, like a fishing hook in my belly button.  There is a rushing, falling feeling and then it stops and I’m seeing through Buffy’s eyes. I hear her voice ringing in my ears and it sounds like all of our voices.
 
“You can not last much longer.” Adam says.
 
“We can. We are forever.” Our voices say.
 
She, we, begin speaking in Sumerian. My Sumerian is a bit rusty but I know we are casting a shield spell, a very powerful ancient shield spell. Adam fires a machine gun at Buffy. The bullets stop when they get to the force field, almost as if they were frozen. They clatter to the floor.
 
“Very Interesting.” Adam says.
 
He continues to advance toward us, determined to try another tactic, unable to believe he may have been beaten by a handful of humans and a vampire. He fires a rocket at us. Buffy holds up her hand and whispers a Sumerian word “Kur.” The rocket bursts into four birds.
 
Adam takes three great strides and tries to hit Buffy with a big right hook. She blocks it easily. She blocks all of his punches as if it were child’s play, as if she were bored by all of this. She kicks him in the stomach and he falls.
 
“How could you?” Adam looks up at her in disbelief and struggles to his feet.
 
“You could never hope to grasp the source of our power.” We say.
 
Buffy catches Adam in the jaw with an uppercut and sends him flying back down into the ground with a meaty crunch. She picks him up effortlessly and throws him against the wall. She punches him in the chest with a straight armed jab. Her fist sinks into him. I can feel her fingers, our fingers, wrap around the uranium core hidden deep inside. She pulls it out and stares at it.
 
“But your power source is right here.” Our voices say.
 
Riley walks in. He says her name, our name. She turns and looks at him with our eyes. I can feel my face shift and a growl in my throat, but it is my growl, not ours. The uranium power source begins to levitate. We begin speaking something in Sumerian and the uranium disappears. I can feel us slipping away and I scramble to hold on. I can’t do it. No matter how much I want to. I feel Buffy faint and I hope solider boy is there to catch her. I can’t stand the thought of her in his arms but if she falls she could be hurt and that thought is worse. I fall to the ground. It’s not exactly a faint, I don’t faint, but I couldn’t move if I had to.
 
A demon bursts in through the barricaded door. He stands a moment roaring, unable to believe his luck to come upon such tasty and obviously helpless morsels. Spike burst in behind him, grabbing his head and twisting, breaking the demon’s neck.
 
“Nasty sort of fellow there, lucky for you blighters I was here.” Spike says.
 
I try to work up the energy to beat him senseless. I struggle to my feet, still in vamp face and growl. It sounds weak even to me.
 
“Hold up there Peaches. You look like you couldn’t go three rounds with a kitten. Besides, did you just miss the fact that I just saved your miserable life, you and all the Slayer’s friends here?” Spike says backing away.
 
“Maybe I couldn’t go three rounds with a kitten, it would only take one to stake you.” I growl.

“Whoa, stop bloody hero here.” Spike says indigently.
 
“Your heroism is somewhat marred by the fact that you were helping Adam start a war that would kill us all.” Giles points out.
 
“Well, there is that. But I’ve redeemed myself, seen the bloody light and all that soddin nonsense.” Spike argues.
 
“Yeah, you probably just saved us so we wouldn’t stake you right here.” Xander mutters.
 
“Did it work?” Spike asks.
 
Everyone struggles to their feet.
 
“Alright then, saved the day and we all get to not be staked through the heart. Good work team.” Spike says backing toward the door. “Uhm, men still out there, someone’s got to go save them by gum. Might as well play the hero a bit more.” He tucks tail and runs.
 
Buffy and Riley open the door and walk into the room. She’s leaning heavily on him. I rumble deep in my throat, still in game face. She smiles at me and I know it doesn’t matter that she’s leaning on him. She loves me. That doesn’t mean he gets to touch her any longer then necessary. She slides her arm from his shoulders and limps over to me. I wrap her in my embrace and take on her weight as she leans into me. Her fingers trace the ridges of my vampiric forehead. She tiptoes to kiss me, fangs and all. I see soldier boy grimace and look away. I smirk. He doesn’t understand how she can love me, how she can touch this face and kiss this mouth. He doesn’t understand the love Buffy and I have. That’s okay. He never will, most people won’t.
 
Buffy draws strength from me and then turns to embrace Willow and Xander.
 
“Wasn’t it amazing?” Willow says.
 
Buffy nods.
 
“You were great.” Xander says and I know he saw the battle through her eyes just as I had.
 
Buffy shakes her head. “No, we were great.”
 
“Not to interrupt, but I’ve still got men out there.” Riley says stepping forward. I resist the urge to grab him by the throat and slam him back into the wall.
 
Buffy nods. “Then let’s go save them.”
 
“Are you sure you’re up to this?” Willow asks as we all step through the busted door of room 314.
 
“I am.” Buffy says as she knocks a demon to the ground. That’s my girl. Adverting an apocalypse would put most people down and out, not Buffy. She feeds on it, it only makes her stronger.


Chapter Six
 
A/N Some of the lines from here were cribbed from the episode Restless (season 4 btvs)
 
-Buffy-
 
When we finally crawl out of the Initiative headquarters, literally, we’re all bloody bruised and worse for the wear, but we’re all alive which is more then I would have bet on a week ago. I feel oddly psyched. I can tell Xander, Willow, Giles and Angel are burning with jittery energy too. Riley on the other hand looks like he could sleep for a week. I catch Angel’s arm.
 
“Hey, I kind of need to talk to him. Give us a little space?” I say.
 
Angel glances up at Riley. I swear his brown eyes flash gold for a moment before he nods. “I’ll be near though.”
 
I walk over to Riley, my hands folded in front of me. He smiles down at me and I don’t want to break his heart. I know I’m going to though.
 
“Thanks for the help in there. A lot of men made it out alive because of you.” Riley says.
 
I shrug. “No problem, that’s sort of my job.” I look down at my hands. The right one still has Angel’s blood on it. “Riley, I-“I stop and take a breath.
 
“You’re going with him, aren’t you?” Riley says glancing up at Angel who is leaning against a tree looking threatening. I’ve explained to him that Riley wouldn’t hurt me. Somehow it didn’t soak into that thick skull of his.
 
“I am. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-“
 
“Don’t.” Riley interrupts, “he’s a vampire, Buffy. You kill vampires, you don’t date them.”
 
I sigh. I’m not going to let him bait me into a fight. He’s hurting. “He’s Angel, that’s the only excuse I have. I belong to him. Sometimes I think I’ve belonged to him since before I was born.”
 
Riley shakes his head. “Did you ever love me?”
 
Tears rush to my eyes. I struggle to find the right words, words that won’t hurt but that won’t be a lie either. “I thought I did. I wanted to love you. I couldn’t. It’s not like I set out to love Angel. I told myself from the very beginning that I couldn’t love him, he was a vampire. I can’t help it. I’m sorry, Riley.”
 
He nods. “For the record, I was lucky to have you in my life while I did, Buffy.” He turned and begins to walk back to his dorm room. I start to call after him. I feel like I should say something else, vilify myself, or something. I take a deep breath. Angel’s arms slip around my waist. He kisses the top of my head. “You okay?” he asks.
 
I nod. “Yeah, I just didn’t want to hurt him.”
 
Angel smiles at me. “There was no way around it. It hurts losing you.”

“How would you know? You never lost me.” I say.
 
*
 
-Angel-
 
 

I sit on the couch in Buffy’s living room. The gunshot wound on my shoulder is freshly bandaged and has already begun to heal.  Buffy is in the kitchen talking to her mom. I can overhear most of the conversation, even though they are trying to keep quiet.
 
“Buffy, what is Angel doing back here in Sunnydale?” Joyce asks.
 
“He came to help me stop the latest big baddy. I might have died without him here, Mom. Most days I think I did die without him here.” Buffy says.
 
I nod to myself. I know exactly what she means. I’ve spent the last year away from her struggling to keep from dying every day without her.
 
“Buffy, I want you to be happy, I do, but Angel- he can’t give you anything.” Joyce says.
 
“Angel gives me everything, Mom.” Buffy says.
 
The kitchen is quiet for a moment. The only sounds are the ones of Joyce and Buffy gathering up snack food for the upcoming vid fest. Finally Joyce speaks.
 
“Buffy, he can’t give you children or anything resembling a normal life.” Joyce says.
 
“Mom I saved the world from a Frankenstein demon made out various human and demon parts tonight. My life is never going to resemble anything normal no matter what or who I spend it with. At least Angel can take care of himself. He knows the slayer deal. He knows what he’s getting into.” Buffy says.
 
“Now, you do that now, but one day-“Joyce starts.
 
“One day what? Hell’s going to freeze over, all the demons walking on earth are going to decide to give peace a chance and there will be no more evil left to fight? Get real, Mom. That’s never going to happen. It never ends, it’s never over.  I’m going to be the slayer until the day I die and when that happens another slayer will be called because there will still be demons to fight and evil to drive back.” Buffy says.
 
There is another bout of silence. I try to push thoughts of the day Buffy will die out of my head. In my world, Buffy’s death is an unacceptable event. I struggle against the urge to rush into the kitchen, sink my fangs into her neck and feed her my blood, to make her as immortal and eternal as I am.
 
“Mom, deal with Angel being here. I’m not letting him leave this time.”
 
“What about that nice boy you were dating from college?” Joyce says.
 
“Riley? I broke Riley’s heart tonight, because I love Angel.”
 
I can hear Buffy’s light footsteps before I actually see her. I stand up as she walks in the room. She gravitates into my embrace as if pulled there by a mysterious force. My arms surround her slight body with the same instinctual feel. She rests her cheek on my chest. I can feel the warmth from her skin radiate throughout my body. We stand there a few moments and then as if by some unspoken agreement break apart and rejoin on the couch.
 
“Xander, Willow and Giles should be here pretty soon.” She says.
 
I nod. “They were stopping to get videos?”
 
She nods. “Yah Xander wanted Apocalypse Now like we don’t get that enough around here but Willow promised to make him get something less heart-of-darkness-y with a girl and an English guy.”
 
I quirk an eyebrow at her, “an English guy?”
 
She shrugs. “It’s the accent.”
 
I grin at her and waggle my eyebrows. “So ye like a man with a wee bit o’ an accent do ye?” I turn on the Irish brogue I left behind a century or so ago.
 
Buffy gasps and whacks me on the arm “Why didn’t you tell me you could do that?”
 
I chuckle and shrug. “I spent the better part of a century losing it besides it never occurred to me that you would like it.”
 
“Duh, men with accents are sexy, except Giles and ewww old factor there.” She says.
 
“Buffy, in a few years I’ll celebrate a bi-centennial. You’re going to make me self conscious with the old comments.” I tease her.

“Yeah but you don’t look like your going to celebrate a bi-centennial.” She says.
 
We’re interrupted by the clatter and accompanying noise of Xander, Willow and Giles walking into the house. Joyce peeks out of the kitchen and smiles.
 
“Hello, Xander, Willow, Rupert.” She says
 
There is a chorus of “Hey Mrs. Summers” and one “Hello Joyce.”
 
Willow joins us in the living room. Xander, not surprisingly, goes into the kitchen to retrieve the snack food Buffy and her mom pulled out. Giles stands in the dining room talking with Joyce. I don’t mention it to Buffy but there is a definite vibe coming off those two.  I guess dating doesn’t get easier as you get older for humans either.
 
Xander walks into the living room carrying one of the largest bowls of popcorn I’ve seen.
 
“Dinner is served per Chef Xander.” He says with a flourish that resembles a bow of sorts.
 
Willow smirks. “What you pushed the popcorn button on the microwave?”
 
“No, actually I pushed the defrost button, but Mrs. Summers was there in a clinch.” Xander says flopping onto the couch next to Willow. I start to comment about the couch not being big enough and there is another chair in the room but Buffy scoots closer to me, giving Willow and Xander more room. Hey, who am I to complain?
 
“Come on, G-man, the annual post apocalyptic vid-fest is about to begin.” Xander shouts.
 
Giles and Joyce walk into the room. “Are you sure you wouldn’t like to join us?” Giles asks Joyce. His voice carries a desperate tone and I hide my smirk. It reeks of Please don’t leave me alone with these children and their insipid videos.
 
“No, thank you. I’m tired and the gallery is opening early tomorrow. “Joyce bows out gracefully “Goodnight everyone, Buffy lock up after everyone has gone.” Joyce’s eyes land on me and I get her hint about not staying the night, even if Buffy doesn’t. I nod slightly.
 
“I am putting in a preemptive bid for Apocalypse Now.” Xander says holding up the video tape.
 
Willow wrinkles her nose. “Anything less heart-of-darkness-y?” I smile as she echoes Buffy’s words exactly.
 
“And less familiar,” Buffy chimes.
 
“What say you, Angel and Giles? Come on the men have to stick together.” Xander tries to rally support.
 
“Don’t look at me. I wanted Hamlet.” Giles says.
 
“Giles, a foreign language film?” Buffy says.
 
I chuckle. “It’s English, Shakespearian English.”
 
“Hence, foreign language.” Buffy says. “Sorry Xander but it’s a no go.”
 
“That’s alright; we have plenty of chick-and-British-guy flicks. Giles can sound out the words we don’t understand. Like Pouf, what exactly is a pouf?” Xander says.
 
“It’s a guttersnipe insult, an effeminate man, a fairy.” I say.
 
Xander looks confused for a moment. “Ok, does Spike know what it means, because he uses it in conjunction with you and effeminate doesn’t exactly apply, big-forehead guy maybe.”
 
I grumble and choose to allow the subject of Spike and my forehead to drop. Xander picks a video from the pile and puts it in the VCR. Buffy snuggles up closer to me. This vid-fest wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
 
 
*
 
 
“Come on, Angel, everyone is waiting for us!” Buffy yells at me from the mansion courtyard. Its still daylight outside. I can feel it.
 
“Buffy, go on. I’ll catch up when it’s dark.” I yell back.
 
“Okay, but hurry. I’ve got an appointment to keep.” She yells.
 
“You’ve got some nerve, making her wait like that.” A voice says from behind me. I turn around and Riley is sitting on the couch with his feet propped up on the coffee table, the coffee table Buffy broke last year.
 
I feel my game face slide into place and I stalk toward him.
 
He yawns. “You know you don’t scare me. Spike told me the truth about you. You’re just a big fluffy puppy with bad teeth.” I growl. He yawns again. “Save the theatrics. She’s been waiting for you her entire life. You really want to make her wait longer?”
 
“I can’t go outside, Moron. There’s this thing with vampires where they explode in daylight.” I spit the words out around fangs.
 
“Daylight? It’s been dark for hours, Big Guy. Better hurry, it might be too late. She’s already started falling you know.” Riley says.
 
I step outside into the courtyard, but it’s not the courtyard. It’s an expanse of chilly night time desert. I turn around and the mansion, Riley, everything has disappeared. There’s nothing but desert behind me. I start walking forward, only because there seems nothing else to do. I come upon a little girl with brown hair sitting in the sand. I crouch down beside her. She’s playing with dolls. She looks up at me and smiles brightly.
 
“Hi,” I say.
 
“You really shouldn’t stop here. You’ve got to make sure she’s ready.” The little girl says in a voice much too old for her age.
 
“Ready for what?” I ask.
 
“The fall silly.” The little girl says.
 
“What fall?” I ask.
 
“Don’t worry. I’ll be there but I won’t be able to stop her. Hurry, you’re going to be late.” The little girl says.
 
I stand up and begin to run. There is something running behind me. I catch glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye but when I turn my head it’s gone. The elevator from my office is directly ahead of me. If I can get to it I’ll be safe. I jump into the elevator and slam the gate closed behind me. Something dark and feral hits the gate with a growl but I can’t make out any features to tell what it is. I push the button going down and the elevator rattles to life.
 
Instead of going down the elevator goes up. When it shudders to a stop it’s in my office in LA. I open the metal gate and step out into it. Everything here is covered in a fine layer of dust.  There is a man sitting behind the desk with a plate of cheese slices. He holds it out to me.
 
“Cheese?” he offers.
 
“No, thanks, vampire, I don’t really eat.” I say.
 
“Oh come on. That’s just an excuse and you know it.” The man says.
 
The answering machine comes to life.
 
“Angel Investigations we don’t help the hopeless anymore because well, our vampire took off to Sunnydale. You see poor little Buffy needed her Angel and so of course he just takes off at a moment’s notice without even considering that he’s needed here. I mean why would he be? I get these mind numbing skull shattering visions because it’s fun. Leave a message if Angel ever comes back we’ll give it to him.” Cordelia’s voice rambles out of the machine.
 
The front door swings open and daylight pours in. I jump back just in time to avoid being scorched. Angelus is standing out there in broad daylight. He leers at me.
 
The man with the cheese shakes his head. “They won’t save her this time.” He looks mournfully at the cheese.
 
Tsk, tsk tsk, you’re too late to save her again. Don’t feel bad. Pursuit of fame and glory have bested better men, or women, then Buffy. Of course, I was there when she fell which is more then I can say for you.”  Angelus says.
 
Angelus reaches just out of sight and jerks something to him. It’s Buffy. He sinks his fangs into her creamy white throat as I make a leap for her. My fingers fall just short of reaching her and I can feel myself start to burn as I crawl toward her over an ever widening gap. Angelus drops Buffy’s body and crouches down in front of me. As the flames engulf me I catch a glimpse of feral eyes set in a gray face and surrounded by dark stringy hair.
 
*
 
I jump and blink. I’m not on fire. I’m sitting on Buffy’s couch. Willow, Xander, Giles and Buffy all look at each other confused, blinking sleep from their eyes.
 
“The first slayer, wow.” Willow says.
 
“First slayer?” I ask.
 
Buffy nods. “Very unsocial, not big on the hygenine but onboard with the killing of me and my friends.”
 
“Ah, I thought she seemed somehow familiar.” I say.
 
“Some how our joining with Buffy and our evoking the power of the slayer was an affront to that source of power.” Giles attempts to explain.
 
“So she goes all wonky and tries to kill us all in our sleep?” Willow says.
 
“You know, Giles, you could have warned us of these consequences before we did the spell.” Buffy says.
 
“I did. I said there could be dire consequences.” Giles defends himself.
 
“Yes, but you say that about chewing to fast.” Buffy says.
 
Joyce walks down the stairs and glances into the living room. “I’m guessing I missed some fun?”
 
“It’s okay you didn’t miss much, only the spirit of the first slayer trying to kill us in our dreams.” Willow quips.
 
“Oh, well in that case who’s up for hot chocolate?” Joyce says.
 
There is a chorus of “yeah” and “sure.” I add my own “yes, please,” to it. It’s hot chocolate, what can it hurt?
 
“Xander, be my kitchen buddy and help me carry?” Joyce asks.
 
Xander gulps. “Uhm, sure, Buffy’s Mom.” He stands and wipes his palms nervously on his pants legs before disappearing into the kitchen.
 
“Buffy, are you alright?” Giles asks.
 
Buffy nods. “Yeah, I guess so. I mean the First Slayer. I never really thought that much about her. She’s sorta intense. I guess you guys got that though.”
 
“We did. And I prefer it when the only slayer in my dreams is you.” I smile at Buffy and pull her back into my embrace.

 Chapter Seven
 
-Buffy-
 
I step into the courtyard of the mansion. Angel is inside. I can feel him. I walk up to the door and place the tips of my fingers on it, but I can’t bring myself to open it. We’re talking about our future today.
 
“Buffy, come in.” Angel’s voice rings out from inside the mansion. I sigh and push open the door. I can’t put this off any longer. Angel is standing in front of a blazing fire with his hands in his pockets. He looks up and smiles at me when I walk in the room. He steps toward me, opening his arms, and draws me into his embrace. He leads me over to the couch and we sit down. He holds my hand, making lazy circles on the back of it with his thumb.
 
“How’s your shoulder?” I ask mostly to fill up awkward silence and avoid the future talk.
 
“Almost completely healed. The cut on your head looks better.” Angel gestures to my forehead.
 
I prod at it with my fingers. It’s almost completely healed up. I nod. “So how does this work?”
 
He shrugs. “I’m not really sure. It’s not like I’ve ever done this before.”
 
“So, uhm, I know you have stuff in LA.” I say. Brilliant Buffy, stuff, nice you’re really going for suave and smooth here.
 
Angel nods. “I’ve got the detective agency in LA and Cordy gets visions from the powers that be. I can’t leave that behind.”
 
I nod and stifle the tears gathering in the back of my throat. “Yeah, sorta like I’m tied to the Hellmouth.”
 
“It’s probably for the best anyway. There’s my soul to consider. As far as we know there’s no way of anchoring it.” Angel says.
 
God, why did I let myself get my hopes up. Be strong, slayer strong. The first slayer was right, we belong alone. I guess the Powers that Be are determined to see to that. “Yeah, we should just stick to the original plan and stay out of each other’s lives.” I can’t help the crack in my voice. I stand up and run to the door. I’m halfway out the door in the bright sunlight when Angel grabs me and pulls me inside. He’s smoking and the skin on his arms is a vicious red.
 
“That’s not what I meant, Buffy.” He says. He’s angry. His eyes flash with it. “Now can you sit down so we can talk about this without me bursting into flame?”
 
I nod mutely and walk back over to the couch. I sit against the far end of it. Angel sits next to me.
 
“I can’t be near you every day. I don’t have that kind of will power but I thought maybe we could talk on the phone regularly, every couple of days, and maybe see each other once a month. I know it’s not much, and if you want to move on with your life, find someone else, go back to Riley, I’ll understand.”
 
I shake my head. Tears fill my eyes. “No, I’ll take what I can get. A little of you is better then none of you.”
 
“It hurts but living a life without you is worse. I can’t do that anymore. I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to live the rest of my life without you in it.” He says.
 
“Me-me either.” I manage to choke out.
 
Angel’s arms go around me and I’m enveloped in his embrace. “Of all the places in the world, this is where I belong.” I whisper without actually meaning too.
 
Angel takes a deep breath of me. He places his fingers under my chin and tilts my face up to his. His kiss is gentle, aching with promises and hope. I can’t catch my breath. He means it this time. We’re really going to try. I can feel it in his kiss. Last year our kisses were filled with desperate hopelessness. They are still desperate but no longer hopeless. Angel pulls away. It aches knowing he doesn’t want to stop and neither do I. It was almost better when I was a virgin, at least then I didn’t know what I was missing. It aches but it’s excruciating to live a life without Angel. I’m tired of excruciating pain. I’m signing up for the ache.
 
“Buffy, if we’re going to do this, there’s something you need to know.” Angel says.
 
I bite my bottom lip to quell the panic rising inside. I nod, afraid to vocalize, afraid my voice will betray me.
 
“I just found out. I came upon a scroll, a prophecy several weeks ago. Wes has been working to translate it. It’s pretty ancient. He finally got it. It says that the vampire with a soul will shanshu, live to die.”
 
I look at him in confusion. I hate prophecies. In my experience they rarely bring good news. Understanding creeps in and tears rush to my eyes. “How soon?” My voice is shaky, broken.
 
Angel shakes his head. “I don’t know. It could be tomorrow, it could be a hundred years from now. I was hesitant to tell you because it might not happen in your life time.”
 
I shake my head and it causes the tears in my eyes to spill over onto my cheeks. “It doesn’t matter. I want to spend the time you have left with you.”
 
“I know-wait-time I have left?” Angel looks at me quizzically.
 
I nod. “If you’re going to die I want to spend whatever time you have left with you.”
 
Angel laughs. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard him actually laugh. I stare at him open mouthed. “Angel this isn’t funny.” I say.

“No, Buffy, I’m going to live to die, it means I’ll become human.”
 
Oh God. I pinch a bit of skin on my arm and twist it hard. “Ow,” I mutter. I look deep into his eyes. This has got to be a joke, a dream, something. “H-human?”
 
He nods. “I’ve got to avert a few apocalypses, kill several hundred demons, and jump through a lot of other hoops I’m not sure of, but eventually as a reward, I get to be human.”
 
Angel with a heartbeat, Angel warm to the touch, Oh God, Angel in the sun. Tears of a different sort track their way down my face. Angel, human, I’ve only dreamed about this a zillion times. I rest my hand on his cheek and close my eyes. I’m trying to imagine his skin warm to touch and washed golden by the sun.
 
“Buffy, say something, my love.” Angel says.
 
I shake my head. What can you say when your told that one day all your dreams are going to come true. Words won’t come or maybe there just are no words. I pull Angel to me and crush his mouth to mine. We kiss until we are both breathless even then I am unwilling to break contact with him.
 
“I guess they do give shiny new rewards to good slayers.” I say when I can finally talk.
 
A brief smile flits across Angel’s lips and then he returns to serious mode. “It might not happen in your lifetime.”
 
I place my finger over his lips. “Don’t. Don’t Angel, don’t take away my dream.”
 
 
*
 
I stand on the sidewalk in front of my house. Angel smiles at me.
 
“I’ll call you when I get back to LA.” He says.
 
I nod. He presses his fingers to his lips and blows me a kiss as he pulls away from the curb. I watch as his big boat of a car goes slowly down the street. I burst away from the curb as fast as my slayer speed will allow. “Angel!” I scream. He stops the car in the middle of the street. I run to the driver’s side and throw my arms around his neck. I catch him by surprise with a passionate kiss. His tongue slips out to taste my mouth and I sigh in contentment.  I pull away regretfully.
 
“Sorry, I needed one more kiss before you go and maybe we could change the talking to each other on the phone every couple of days to every night? I want your voice to be the last thing I hear before I go to sleep at night.”
 
“We could do that, I mean we’re going to have to be flexible here.”
 
“Right, flexible.” I say as a car drives around Angel. The driver flips us off and grumbles something. I laugh. “So, I should let you go before we cause road rage here in Sunnydale.”
 
He nods. “Yeah, I should be getting back to LA.”
 
I nod. “Ok, so this is me, letting you go.” I say as I lean in closer for a kiss.
 
Half an hour, 4 irate drivers and 3 gawking neighbors later, Angel is on his way back to LA.
 
I float back into the house. So this is what building a future with Angel is like. I think I can handle it.
 
 
-Angel-
 
The drive back to LA is both incredibly short and damnably long. Long because I can’t wait to hear her voice again, even if it is just over the phone lines. Short because my lips still tingle with her kisses and she still kisses like me.