Title: Fumbling Toward Ecstasy

Summary: Post BDM Mal and Inara are finding out that happily ever after only comes with struggle.

Pairings: Mal/Inara Kaylee/Simon

Rated: PG-13

A/N: Written for <lj user=mugglegirl10908> for the Ain’t Appropriate Ficathon. Request at the end.

 

“Mal, do we have to have this discussion again?” Inara asked, her voice weary.

 

“There’s a way outta this fight, ‘Nara an’ you know it,” Mal responded, his voice angry by contrast.

 

She shook her head and her nimble fingers took the pins from her hair and her black curls tumbled around her shoulders.

 

“And stop that,” Mal spat at her.

 

“Stop what?” Inara asked with just as much venom. She was tired of this game and this fight.

 

“Usin’ your gorram wiles on me.”

 

“I’m getting ready for bed, Mal. There are no wiles,” she rolled her eyes at him.

 

“Ain’t you spent enough time in bed today?” Mal responded. It drove him crazy when she took her hair down like that. He wanted to forget about the fight, the client she’d had earlier in the day and just bury his nose in all that sweet scented hair.

 

“That’s not a problem you have to worry about since you won’t be sharing it with me tonight,” Inara smiled sweetly at him, crossed the shuttle and opened the door, holding it for him.

 

Mal squared his jaw, paused and then stormed across the shuttle. “Don’t know why the gorram gui I ever moved in here. Spend more nights sleepin’ in the galley than I do here,” he muttered under his breath as he started out the door. “This fight ain’t over, ‘Nara.”

 

Inara watched until he disappeared then waited to shut the door until the ring of his boots on the catwalk faded away. “No, Mal…that’s the problem. It never is,” she whispered as she closed the door.

 

*

 

Kaylee’s head was pillowed on Simon’s shoulder as she drew hearts on his chest with her finger. “Think ‘Nara and the Cap’n will ever figure out that this is a lot more fun than fightin’ all the time?”

 

“Hmmm?” Simon asked. He wasn’t certain he’d heard Kaylee right. Did she really want to talk about Inara and the captain after they’d just had incredible sex?

 

“Nara an’ the Cap’n. You think they’ll ever stop fightin’ all the time?” Kaylee asked, looking up at Simon.

 

“Uhm…I don’t know the right answer to that,” Simon admitted after an internal struggle of just what the correct answer to Kaylee’s question would be.

 

Kaylee smirked and rolled her eyes. “S’not a right or wrong answer, Simon. Jus’ your opinion.”

 

“And we both know I’m famous for sticking my foot in my mouth where that’s concerned,” Simon answered, his hand trailing down Kaylee’s back and coming to a rest at her hip. “I don’t know, Kaylee. Inara and the captain are two very different people and in some ways they’re very much alike. That can make it difficult to nurture a relationship. On top of all that the captain doesn’t understand the nature of Inara’s job or that to her there’s a very distinct difference between her clients and him.”

 

Kaylee’s brow furrowed as she followed along with Simon’s dialogue. “Yeah…but that don’t mean they can’t work things out. Jus’ means it’ll be harder. Right?”

 

Simon smiled and kissed the top of Kaylee’s head. “Yeah…” he trailed off in a half lie.  Kaylee didn’t want to hear the truth. She wanted to hear the fairytale.

 

“Come on. Best get dressed. Cap’n’ll be down here in a lil while checkin’ on things,” Kaylee said as she slipped out of Simon’s arms, wiggled a little and ducked out from under the engine. “Careful, don’t hit your head on the bracer there,” she told Simon as she searched for her clothes scattered about the engine room.

 

*

 

 

He cursed himself as he stood outside her shuttle. Woman made him weak. Fact was he couldn’t stand to be away from her for more than a few hours and he’d gotten mighty used to sleeping with her curled up into his side. He started to turn around for the fourth time and grumbled. It was late but he could smell incense and those fancy candles she used burning.

 

“Jus’ makin’ sure she ain’t burnin’ down my shuttle an’ her in it,” he told himself, happy he’d finally found an excuse to knock on her door at such an hour.

 

“Just a minute,” he heard from inside the shuttle and he waited, deciding that he’d had enough fighting with Inara for the day. They could pick up tomorrow when he’d had more than ten minutes of restless sleep in Wash’s chair.

 

Inara opened the shuttle door and leaned against it, not ready to admit him just yet. She was wearing his favorite robe, deep crimson with gold Chinese embroidery on it. He realized after a moment she was going to make him say something before she’d let him inside.

 

“Fight ain’t over, ‘Nara an’ I’m not surrenderin’ but I’m tired an’ I can’t sleep without you. Just want a reprieve.”

 

Inara hesitated a moment before stepping aside. “I couldn’t sleep either,” she half whispered as she watched Mal lie down in their bed. He beckoned to her with one hand.

 

“Just a reprieve, Darlin’.”

 

 

*

 

“Cap’n, do you think there’s a difference ‘tween havin’ sex an’ makin’ love?”

 

Mal nearly spit his coffee out all over the breakfast table at Kaylee’s question. He glanced around the table that for some reason only included him and Kaylee this morning then narrowed his eyes. “Lil’ Kaylee, ain’t we discussed what’s appropriate topics ‘tween you an’ me an’ what ain’t? Engine room, Serenity, potential jobs…now those are appropriate topics of conversation for the breakfast table.”

 

“Engine is fine, Cap’n. Serenity’s runnin’ real smooth but I’ve been real curious ‘bout this question,” Kaylee prodded. “So what you think?”

 

“This ‘bout the Doc? If he’s hurt you I swear I’ll space him,” Mal said as he took a sip of his coffee.

 

“No. It ain’t ‘bout Simon. Simon’s bein’ real sweet. Jus’ answer the question, Cap’n. You think there’s a difference ‘tween havin’ sex an’ makin’ love?”

 

Mal pondered the question a moment, watching Kaylee through narrowed eyes. “S’pose so. Maybe you ought to ask ‘Nara this question. She’s the expert on sex.”

 

“Already know, ‘Nara’s opinion on the matter,” Kaylee answered and took a drink of her protein shake.

 

“An’?” Mal said after a moment.

 

“She knows there’s a difference. Sexing is what she does with her clients. Makin’ love’s a whole different thing,” Kaylee answered.

 

“Don’t wanna talk ‘bout this anymore,” Mal said as he pushed himself away from the table and dumped his coffee in the sink. “Got captain things to do.”

 

Kaylee followed, still holding her drink in one hand. “But Cap’n if there’s a difference then why you an’ ‘Nara fight so much ‘bout this? You love her an’ she’s told me she loves you ‘fore. Guess I jus’ ain’t seein’ what the problem is.”

 

Mal whirled on his heel, anger flaring up at Kaylee’s words. “The problem is that I don’t like the idea of other men’s hands on her. How’d you like the idea of other people’s hands on Simon?”

 

“He’s a doctor, Cap’n. He’s got his hands on other people all the time. Seen lots of naked people. You an’ Jayne an’ Zoë an’ Wash an’ that guy Tracy. It’s just a job…helpin’ people. ‘Nara’s job is the same thing jus’ sorta different. She helps ‘em in different ways.”

 

“It ain’t the same,” Mal snapped and turned to storm off.

 

“No…it ain’t but is it worth all this fightin’?” Kaylee said to his back. She sighed when Mal didn’t turn around. Captain was stubborn…too much so for his own good. “If you make her leave again I’ll-I’ll…I don’t know, do somethin’!” she yelled after Mal’s retreating form then turned and started back down toward the engine room with a grumble.

 

 

*

 

 

He didn’t knock when he entered her shuttle this time, just barged in the way he always did and Inara would never admit it but she was glad. Mal knocking on her shuttle door made it seem too much like he didn’t belong here. She’d gotten used to him belonging here but she had to keep up appearances.

 

“Is there some sort of emergency?” she asked, arching a brow at him as she closed down her comm screen.

 

“Bookin’ more clients?” Mal asked even though he didn’t want to know. It’d just make him angry all over again.

 

She paused, knowing the truth would cause another fight but she and Mal weren’t in the habit of lying to each other. “Screening potential clients,” she answered in a half whisper that begged him not to push the issue.

 

Mal nodded tersely and crossed his arms over his chest. He paced the shuttle a couple of times. “’Nara…don’t think this is workin’ out.” The words were ripped from the middle of him and they were shattered with the pain saying them caused.

 

Inara dipped her head, taking a moment to get the tears that flooded her eyes under control. Her hands fisted tight, the knuckles turning white. It took her several moments before she was able to speak. “Would you like for me to relinquish the shuttle or can we come to a business arrangement.” Her words were icy, cracking around the edges the way a frozen body of water did.

 

“Truth is…don’t think I can be ‘round you an’ not…” he trailed off. There were a dozen ways to end that sentence. Not want you. Not love you. Not need you were just the ones that came to mind immediately.

 

Inara nodded. “I’ll start packing. You’ll drop me off on a core planet. I can get to Sihnon from there.”

 

Mal nodded. “S’for the best.” They were several days from Sihnon and the longer she was around the easier it would be for him to take it back and ask her to stay. “Gu-guess there’s not much else to say,” he cleared his throat.

 

She could beg him not to do this. She could plead and cry. She could promise to quit but none of it would be true and the promises would be broken. She couldn’t change what she was or who she was and she didn’t think it was fair that Mal wanted her too. “I guess so,” she responded.

 

Mal started toward the shuttle door and her words stopped him. “Mal, would you had fallen in love with me if I were a different person?”

 

“’Nara…there’s no way in this ‘verse I wouldn’t be in love with you,” he admitted as he left the shuttle.

 

 

*

 

Kaylee stormed into his bunk, red hair wild and skin pale from anger.  “Ni be guoge, ni hunqiu!” she yelled and kicked him in the shin hard.

 

“Taikong suoyou de xingqiu saijin wo de pigu!” Mal yelled, hopping on one foot briefly. “I tend to agree with you but what in the gorram hell was that for?”

 

“You’re makin’ her leave!” Kaylee yelled, her voice quivering with tears.

 

Mal sighed and bowed his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. He should have suspected that was what this was about. “Lil’ Kaylee…can’t make ‘Nara do anything. Never have been able to.”

 

“You could make her stay,” Kaylee said, her voice pouty and her eyes swimming with tears.

 

Mal started to argue and then after a moment nodded his head slightly. “S’pose I could but only on ‘Nara’s terms. Not willin’ to share her. Man shouldn’t have to share a woman like that…not the way I’m feelin’ ‘bout her.”

 

“Maybe if you jus’ told her,” Kaylee said. Her voice was tiny and lost. She was losing her best friend and she knew that when Inara left, Mal would too. Oh he’d still be on the ship but everything that made him Mal would be gone. He’d be like Zoë, this empty shell of a person. Serenity was full of enough shells. She needed real people on board.

 

Mal looked up at Kaylee, his eyes haunted and filled with tears. “I have.” His voice cracked when he said the words. He sat down on the edge of the bed, defeat slumping his shoulders and bowing his back. Kaylee stayed for a moment, watching him and then retreated up the ladder, unable to watch him erode any longer.

 

 

 

 

*

 

“’Nara, you can’t go,” Kaylee said as she watched Inara pack all the things they’d picked up from the guild house mere months before.

 

“Meimei…I don’t have a choice,” Inara said, pausing as she folded her red robe into the trunk.  “He wants me to go.”

 

“No he don’t, ‘Nara. I talked to him. He wants you to stay,” Kaylee protested.

 

Inara sighed. She knew in a lot of ways Kaylee was right. “He wants me to stay under his conditions.”

 

“What’s so bad ‘bout his conditions?” Kaylee asked. “Cap’n will take good care of you, ‘Nara.”

 

Inara smiled softly, sadly. “Mei mei, that’s exactly what’s wrong with his conditions.” She got up and walked over to where Kaylee sat on the couch. She put an arm around Kaylee, stroking one hand over her hair. “I don’t want Mal, or anyone to take care of me. I want to be more then Mal’s lover.”

 

“Why? What’s so bad ‘bout that?”

 

Inara took a deep breath then released it. “Kaylee…I can’t just…I need to have a purpose. Being Mal’s girlfriend isn’t purpose enough. Everyone on Serenity has a job. River flies, Zoë’s the first mate, Jayne’s the muscle, you’re the mechanic…Simon’s the doctor and I’m the companion who lends respectability to Serenity. If I’m not a companion then I don’t lend any respect and I don’t have a purpose here.”

 

“’Nara, Serenity’ll do jus’ fine without respect…can’t do without you though,” Kaylee told her. “Cap’n always says love is what keeps her in the air. It’s what tells me she’s hurtin’ for she keels an’ makes her fly six months on a broken coil when I tell the cap’n she ain’t gonna make it a week. Serenity can do lotsa fine without respect but she can’t do without love an’ you love Serenity an’ Mal an’ I love you an’ we need you here. All of us, me an’ Mal an’ Serenity. We already lost Wash an’ she’s feelin’ that like a gapin’ wound in her hull. She can’t take a ‘nother hit like that, ‘Nara,” Kaylee tried to explain, the tears she’d been holding back getting the better of her and dripping down her cheeks.

 

“Kaylee…I can’t and Mal won’t meet me halfway,” Inara sighed, hugging Kaylee tighter.

 

“How you know? You asked him? He’s hurtin’ somethin’ awful, ‘Nara. Didn’t think he was gonna survive it when you left the first time, jus’ stayed in his bunk an’ stared at that capture I took of you.  I ain’t never seen him so bad. Even Zoë wanted to hit him. Jus’ can’t leave us ‘gain, ‘Nara. Not now after things were goin’ so well ‘tween you an’ the cap’n,” Kaylee pleaded.

 

“I’m not leaving you, Mei mei…” Inara half smiled and ran a hand over Kaylee’s hair. “You can come see me at the guild house anytime you can get away and you can wav me every day.” She bit her bottom lip and looked down at her feet, knowing it wasn’t the same. “He has to ask me to stay, Kaylee. He has to compromise and realize I’ve got a life too. He doesn’t have to understand my life, he just has to be willing to be a part of my life instead of trying to force me completely into his.”

 

 

*

 

 

There were a couple of large trunks, a suitcase and one dainty train case. He wasn’t sure how she could fit everything from her shuttle into so little. And she had taken everything this time. He’d glanced in the shuttle to make sure there would be no trunks to taunt him, no candles to remind him and no captures to brood over. If she wasn’t going to be a part of his life, no part of her could be in his life.

 

He stood on the catwalk, unable to say goodbye and just as equally unable to not be there when she left. Kaylee was crying and shooting him dirty looks. River was sniffing all the bits of luggage and looking up at Mal like she knew something he didn’t. He conjured she probably did.

 

“Sure you know what you’re doin’, Sir?” Zoe asked as she leaned on the railing next to him.

 

“Not a gorram clue,” Mal responded.

 

“Sure you should be doin’ it then?”

 

“She ain’t givin’ me a choice,” Mal answered, his eyes never leaving Inara as she gathered up her luggage. She looked up to Mal, her eyes catching his and for a moment she wanted to take it all back, to give in and let him have what he wanted so that finally she’d get what she wanted then her head dipped and she turned away from him.

 

“There’s always a choice, Sir.”

 

 

*

 

 

She’s been gone a month and it felt like the longest stretch of time he’d ever spent in the black.  Somehow, when she left she took all the light in Serenity with her. Kaylee didn’t smile much anymore, just glared at Mal every chance she got.  Simon spent his fair share of time glaring at Mal because Kaylee was unhappy and Zoe…she didn’t glare or make snide remarks. She didn’t remind him that it was his fault Inara was gone. He would have preferred it if she had but Zoe was just a shell without Wash.

 

That had become the problem with Serenity, there was too much emptiness and not enough to fill it.

 

They were so far out in the black Mal wasn’t sure what day it was or even the time and he realized that it no longer mattered. Days, weeks and months were just ways of marking time and it didn’t matter how he labeled it, from now on there would always be too much of it.

 

He still went to her shuttle but barging in didn’t have the same effect when she wasn’t there to chastise him over it.  The smell of incense and jasmine had faded so that he was no longer certain if it was his own imagination or if it did still linger. Somehow even though her furniture was gone and the shuttle was as empty as the day he’d rented it her, it was the only place on Serenity that wasn’t hollowed out.

 

She’d left the bed but stripped the sheets, fabrics and pillows that made it hers. It was there he finally found a reprieve from all the pain. It was there he could finally sleep.

 

He didn’t move his things into the shuttle really but it seemed they gravitated there anyway. Eventually he put linens on the bed, brought clothes he’d washed there, even his work ended up there, logs scattered about the floor and the bed. Zoe raised an eyebrow when she saw him slip in there to sleep at night but didn’t say anything. She didn’t really feel like she had any place to say anything as she’d taken to sleeping in the guest quarters since losing Wash.

 

*

 

“Ain’t right the way he’s jus’ wastin’ ‘way,” Kaylee told Simon as they puttered around the galley. Zoe, Mal and Jayne were off on a job that was supposed to be easy. None of them had been easy since Inara had left. “Half  ‘spect him to come back dead after every job. It’s like he ain’t got a reason to keep livin’.”

 

Simon sighed and stirred his tea. To be truthful he missed Inara too. He missed having someone on board that understood manners were important, civility kept them from slipping into the black. And watching Mal was like seeing someone die while cancer ate away at them a little bit more everyday.  “Kaylee, the captain has made his choice. It really doesn’t matter if we think it was the right one, or even if it’s made him miserable. It’s his life.”

 

“Well I ain’t sittin’ here watchin’ him kill himself when there’s a way to stop it,” Kaylee declared. “You got all kinds of educatin’ and book learnin’ an’ it took you forever to see that I was crazy ‘bout you. We had to nearly die for you to realize it. I thought maybe after Miranda…thought Cap’n would come to his senses, stop bein’ so dumb but he’s dumber than you were. Why are boys so stupid, Simon? Is it somethin’ in their brains that just makes ‘em do stupid things?”

 

Simon shook his head, restraining the laugh he wanted to let out. Kaylee liked when he laughed but she wouldn’t appreciate it right now. “Glad to hear someone’s dumber than me.”

 

“Well, I’m not. S’gonna get him killed,” Kaylee answered, storming off to the engine room. She had plans to make and she always thought better there.

 

 

*

 

“Cap’n,” Kaylee said as she barged into Inara’s old shuttle, not surprised to find him there. The entire crew knew that he was living there but no one had dared to bother him there until now. “Gotta go to Peresphone.”

 

“Really not wantin’ to get anywhere near core,” Mal responded. His voice sounded exhausted and for a moment Kaylee felt bad about bothering him.

 

“Can’t be helped,” Kaylee started to explain. “Got girl things to get. ‘Sides maybe you could talk to Badger an’ get us a job. Ain’t had one that close to the core in a long time.”

 

“Don’t have no need to be close to the core. You can’t get ‘em anywhere else? Not far from a backwater moon. Probably has a general store full of girly frippery.”

 

“No. I can only get it on Peresphone. There’s a particular brand I like they make there an’ it’s for…I know you don’t like it when I talk ‘bout-but when Simon an’ me-“

 

Mal stopped her by holding up a hand. “Don’t need to be hearin’ ‘bout that. Guess if you have to go to Peresphone, that’s where we’ll go but I ain’t dawdlin’ there.”

 

Kaylee nodded, her smile nearly bursting at the seams. “Don’t got no need for dawdlin’, Cap’n,” she said as she bounced out of the shuttle.

 

 

*

 

 

Mal trudged down the catwalk toward the shuttle. He refused to call it his but he couldn’t call it Inara’s. He was tired and even more deeply rooted into his brood than usual. He knew they were only hours away from Sihnon where Inara was. It got harder to remember why he’d asked her to leave the closer he got to her. He’d had to pick up a few supplies in Peresphone but that hadn’t taken long and now he had hours to wait until the others returned.

 

He opened the shuttle door, head still bowed and the strong smell of Jasmine hit him. He looked up to find Inara sitting on the edge of the bed, still the only furniture in the room. The sight of her knocked the air out of him and left him gasping.

 

If it was possible, her absence had made her more beautiful. He blinked, half expecting her to just disappear. Finally he spoke, needing more than two senses to confirm her existence.

 

“’Nara?” His voice broke on her name and he wanted to take it back, hide that weakness and all the ways she made him crack at the seams.

 

“Kaylee sent me a wav three days ago. She told me that I’d left something important in my shuttle and insisted that I meet her here to retrieve it. I’m sure you can imagine the rest…She opened the shuttle door and I saw…all of your things here…the bed wasn’t made…clothes lying around…”

 

“’Nara…I jus’…s’not your shuttle anymore. I can do what I want with it,” he said.

 

She shook her head, the ghost of a smile slipping across her lips before it faded. “That wasn’t an attack, Mal.” She looked around the shuttle again. “Why? I thought you’d be glad to get out of here.”

 

“Don’t know…jus’ couldn’t sleep in my  bed.”

 

Inara sighed and stood up. She smoothed her dress down over her legs and started pacing the shuttle, stepping around a pile of dirty laundry. “I’ve been here for a couple of hours…thinking.” She paused and looked over her shoulder at him. “I hate not being here.”

 

“Well…sure…Kaylee-“

 

“No, it’s got nothing to do with Kaylee. Yes, I miss her but it’s missing you that finds me crying in the middle of the night. I’m willing to compromise, Mal…but it has to be a compromise. I can’t give up everything and get nothing in return,” she told him. Her hands were gathered in front of her, still except for the gentle way she squeezed her fingers over and over.

 

“You’re getting’ me, ‘Nara…ain’t that enough? Seems like it should be,” Mal told her. He crossed his arms over his chest to keep from touching her.

 

“Mal…that was never the issue. Yes, it’s more than enough. It always has been…” she trailed off, trying to pick her next words carefully.

 

“I won’t share you anymore, ‘Nara,” he interrupted, watching her every move, drinking up the sight of her to keep him warm once she was gone again.

 

“So you’d rather have nothing?” Inara asked her brow furrowing. “I don’t understand that, Mal. I came back because something with you was better than nothing….so I don’t understand where you’re coming from.”

 

“If I can’t have all of you, it hurts too much to have any of you,” Mal answered. “Can’t change that, ‘Nara…if I could…well, I still wouldn’t. I want all of you.”

 

“Mal, I can’t just give up everything…my entire life for-for what? You don’t plan anything. You don’t think further ahead then your next meal or Serenity’s next fueling. I-I plan everything…how am I supposed to do that?” Inara asked, tears coming to her eyes and creeping into her voice.

 

Mal stepped toward her, one hand finally going out to rest on her shoulder. He took another step and put the other hand under her chin, tilting her face up so that he could look at her eyes. “It’s called faith, Darlin’. You know the last thing Preacher told me? He said he don’t care what I believe in…just believe.”

 

“Mal-“ she started. He gave her a crooked grin and glided his thumb over her bottom lip, halting her words.

 

“Darlin…just believe.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Translations:

 

Ni be guoge, ni hunqiu!= you’re not good enough for her, you bastard.

 

Taikong suoyou de xingqiu saijin wo de pigu= All the planets of space flushed into my butt.

 

 

 

 

Pairing/etc. Request: Mal/Inara and Simon/Kaylee (can be background
pairing or sub-plot). Post-BDM.
Requirement One: Mal and Inara having a hard time making things work
because Inara doesn't want to quit being a Companion.
Requirement Two: Simon and Kaylee fun in the engine room. Do what you will. :)
One Restriction: Happy(ish) ending, please! :)