Title: Mortal Immortality

Rating: PG

Summary: Pretend Xander never left in Hell’s Bells, Tara never died, Anya never died in Chosen.  Xander and Anya got married and are currently living somewhat happily ever after. Written for diastered in the Babyverse ficathon. The requirements were Anya pregnant (or with a baby) a stuffed bunny and Tara and Dawn being helpful “anuts”.

 

 

 

 

“Xander,” she tried shaking him one more time. He snored loudly in response.

 

            “Xander Harris, wake up,” she said loudly. There was still no response.

 

            “Xander Harris, I need pickles and ice cream and Doritos. Wake up now. You’re required to go get those things for me,” Anya said.

 

            “Huh? What? I’m up, I’m up. Is it time?” Xander said shaking himself into wakefulness.

 

            “Yes, it’s time,” Anya said.

 

            Xander leapt out of bed and started running around pulling on clothes and throwing things into the air. Anya sat on the bed and watched him with mild interest.

 

            “Okay, Ahn, do you need some help getting dressed?” Xander asked. He had thrown on some kind of Hawaiian print shirt and a pair of khaki’s.

 

            “Oh no. I’m not going,” she said.

 

            “Ahn, Hon, you’re the one having the baby. You have to go,” Xander said.

 

            “Oh! You thought it was time for the baby to be born. No it’s time for the pickles and ice cream, chocolate, and Doritos,” Anya explained.

 

            Xander lowered his face into the palm of his hand and took a deep breath. “Okay, I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

 

            Anya sat in the bed waiting for Xander to come back. She smoothed the pale green nightgown over her enormous belly. Her brow furrowed as the baby kicked her.

 

            “Listen here, you are not to kick me. I’m your mother and if there is any kicking to be done, kick your father. This is his fault you know,” Anya said to her stomach. The baby responded by kicking her. Anya grumbled. How long did it take to pick up chips, ice cream and pickles? As if in response to her question, Xander came through the door carrying a paper bag.

 

            Anya met him in the kitchen. She got a big mixing bowl out of the cabinet and scooped ice cream into it. Xander sliced up the pickles for her and deposited them in the same bowl. Anya crushed up Doritos and sprinkled them over the ice cream and pickle concoction. She took the bowl and sat down at the table. Xander sat across from her. At first the combination of foods had turned even his stomach but he was used to it by now.

 

            “Ok, Ahn, I have to go to bed now. I have to be at the air port early tomorrow, remember?” Xander said.

 

            “You mean do I remember that you’re leaving me practically ready to give birth to your spawn?” Anya said.

 

            Xander sighed. “Ahn, Hon, I’m not leaving you. It’s a business trip. I’ll only be gone a couple of days and your not due for another week and a half.”

 

            “Yes and I’ve read all the baby books. I could go into labor at any time. Humans really aren’t very efficient as far as birthing times go. They could give birth a month early, a month late or anytime in between,” Anya said.

 

            “Anya, Tara and Dawn are staying with you. I’ll be back as soon as possible and if you go into labor all you have to do is call and I’ll be back here within hours,” Xander said.

 

            “Hours in which I could die in child birth,” Anya said.

 

            Xander sighed and stood up. He walked over and slipped his arms around his wife. Anya had dealt with her mortality, or at least he thought she had until she got pregnant. “Sweetheart, the doctor says you are the picture of pregnancy health. You’re not going to die in child birth,” he said.

 

            “You don’t know that. I granted wishes to several women during child birth and they often died,” Anya said.

           

            “Ahn, that was three hundred years ago. Medicine has improved, for one thing the doctor washes his hands now,” Xander pointed out.

 

           

 

            *

 

            “My back hurts,” Anya complained for the umpteenth time.

 

            Dawn rolled her eyes and literally bit her tongue. Tara smiled sweetly and ran her hand over Anya’s shoulders. “I know, Sweetie but you don’t have much longer. Maybe if you put the heating pad behind your back it would help,” Tara suggested.

 

            “No that just makes me hot and sticky,” Anya grumbled.

 

            “An ice pack?” Tara said.

 

            “Yes, if I want to freeze to death. Aren’t you two supposed to be making me feel better? Xander always makes me feel better but that is usually because we have sex and I forget that my back aches and that I look and feel like a beached whale,” Anya said.

 

            “So, who wants to watch Days of Our Lives,” Dawn said trying to force images of Xander and Anya having sex out of her mind.

 

            *

 

            “I need oysters, pasta and peanut butter,” Anya announced as she waddled in from the kitchen.

 

            “What?” Dawn said looking at her oddly.

 

            “Well, I have the pasta and the peanut butter, but I ate the oysters’ night before last. Xander was supposed to get more before he left. He forgot because his job is infinitely more important then the woman that is going to bear his alien spawn,” Anya grumbled.

 

            “Alien?” Dawn said.

 

            Anya rolled her eyes. “Never mind. If you could feel this thing kicking inside of you, you’d be convinced it was an alien too.”

 

            “Can I?” Dawn asked.

 

            “Can you what? Bear Xander’s alien spawn? No that would involve sex with him and he’s not allowed to have sex with anyone but me,” Anya said.

 

            “Ewww, I meant feel the baby kick,” Dawn said.

 

            “Oh, yes,” Anya took Dawn’s hand and placed it on the top of her stomach near her rib cage.

           

            “The doctor said the baby has already turned and is in the birthing position, but for some reason I have to wait a week and a half to have this thing,” Anya grumbled.

 

            “Well, you know due dates aren’t always accurate,” Tara reminded her.

 

            “Yes and that’s another problem all together. Oysters, who’s going to get them for me?” Anya said.

 

            “Dawn you stay here, I’ll go,” Tara offered.

 

 

*

 

 

            Jay Leno was half way through his monologue when Anya’s water broke.  Chaos broke out.

 

            “I told you I was in labor two hours ago!” Anya shrieked.

 

            “Anya, you’ve been complaining that you were in labor for two months! How were we supposed to know you were telling the truth this time?” Dawn yelled.

 

            “Maybe because my water has broke and now the chair’s all wet and we’re going to have to buy a new one and Xander is going to be upset and this is all his fault anyway!” Anya yelled.

 

            “Okay, everyone, calm down, Anya, let’s get your suitcase and get to the hospital,” Tara said.

 

            “We have to call Xander, his hotel number is by the phone,” Anya said.

 

            Tara nodded. “Dawn, get Anya to the car. I’m going to call Xander and I’ll be right down.”

 

            Dawn nodded. Tara went to the phone and dialed the hotel number. She could hear Dawn and Anya in the other room.

 

            “Anya, you do realize you’re going to the hospital, not on vacation,” Dawn said.

 

            “I couldn’t decide what I was going to wear home, or which nightgown or what the baby was going to wear home. I’ve been fat for four months. I want to look pretty when I come home,” Anya said.

 

            The desk clerk connected Tara to Xander’s room.

 

            “Xander, its Tara, I think you need to catch the red eye back. Anya just went into labor,” Tara said.

 

            “Oh God, she said this would happen. Do you think she made this happen? She didn’t want me to leave. I shouldn’t have left. She can’t be having the baby yet. She has a week and a half to go, the doctor said-“

 

            “Xander go to the airport and be careful. Take a cab,” Tara said.

 

            “Okay, I’ll be there as soon as I can,”

 

            The phone clicked in Tara’s ear. She hung up the phone and went down to the car before Anya and Dawn killed each other.

 

            By the time they got to the hospital Anya was screaming and saying she had changed her mind. She didn’t want to have Xander’s alien spawn and if she died she was going to haunt him for the rest of her life.

 

            She calmed down a bit once the nurse got her settled in a bed and the monitors were blipping softly. The nurse promised to send in an anesthesiologist as soon as possible. Anya had decided natural child birth was not the way to go and drugs were good.

 

            “You know I used to skin men alive for less then this,” Anya said after a particularly difficult contraction.

 

            “We know,” Dawn grumbled. Anya had been regaling them with tales of the horrors she had once visited on men for hours. “I’m going down to the gift shop to see if they have anything,”

 

            “Look for a focus object. Child birthing classes say I need a focus object. Xander’s face was supposed to be my focus and he’s not here,” Anya shrieked.

 

            “He’ll be here soon,” Tara tried to soothe her.

 

            Dawn slipped out before the next contraction, and the screaming, started again.

 

*

 

            Dawn returned almost a half hour later with a bag full of magazines and other things. Anya had decreed that if she couldn’t eat, no one else could either so Dawn had scarfed a couple of candy bars in the elevator.

 

            “Did you find a focus object?” Anya asked brightly, obviously not in the middle of a contraction when Dawn walked in.

 

            “Oh yeah, the selection was pretty bare but I thought this was cute,” Dawn pulled a pink stuffed animal out of the bag.

 

            Anya’s eyes widened. “A bunny? Oh my God, how could get my child a bunny? They’re twitchy and creepy and oh God, get it out of here before I start screaming!”

 

            Dawn bit her lip, “Sorry.” She had forgotten about Anya’s aversion to bunnies. She’d really just thought the hot pink, super soft rabbit was adorable. She stuffed it back in the bag and hid the bag in the closet.

 

            “I’m here, I’m here! Did I miss it?” Xander said sliding into the room. He rushed to Anya’s side and cradled her hand in his.  He kissed her soundly. “I’m sorry, Sweetie.”

 

            Anya repaid him by “squeezing” his hand during the next contraction.

 

            Everyone was immensely relieved when the anesthesiologist showed up.

 

            “You are not sticking that in me,” Anya said.

 

            “Mrs. Harris, it’s the only way to do the epidural,” the man said.

 

            Anya looked at him doubtfully. “And it will make all this sharp, mortal feeling, human pain go away?”

 

            The man smiled. “I promise.”

 

            Once the epidural was given and the numbness had set in, Anya reached up and grabbed the anesthesiologist around the neck and kissed him passionately on the mouth. He pulled away extremely surprised and rushed out of the room.

 

            “Ahn, I’m sitting right here,” Xander protested.

 

            “Yes and you caused this pain. He took it away. He deserves to be kissed. You deserve to be hit,” Anya stated.

 

            Xander, for once, stopped talking while he was ahead.

 

*

 

            Hours later, Anya held a tiny pink bundle in her arms. Xander sat on the edge of the looking down at the two most important girls in his life. Anya ran a finger over the tiny, soft cheek. Tears glistened in her eyes.

 

            “I never understood but humans have their own immortality, don’t they?” she whispered.

 

            Xander answered by kissing her on the top of the head and drawing her, and their little girl, into his arms.