Stumble Into Grace

Title: Salvage

Summary: 8 years post Chosen.

two three four five six seven eight

Chapter One

“Okay, so mocha chinos for everyone?” Buffy said looking around the room.

“Yup make mine extra sugary,” Willow said.

“Ok the rest of you have any special orders?” Buffy asked.

“Extra foamy,” Dawn chimed in.

“No, thank you. I’ll stick with tea.” Giles raised his tea cup.

Buffy smiled. “Giles, we’re in England. You’d think you’d get tired of the stuff. I’ve drank enough for the entire Boston Tea Party.”

“Make mine of order of Willow’s,” Xander said.

“I want a low fat extra foam half milk latte,” Andrew said.

Buffy glared at him. “Then you can come with.”

Andrew sighed and glanced at the TV, which was running a marathon of Star Trek. “Never mind, just make mine whatever everyone else is having.”

“Much better, as for the slayerettes, caffeine makes them entirely too hyper. They’ll have to get by on water and whatever else we have in the fridge.” Buffy said as she got her purse from the closet. “I’ll be right back.”

Buffy slung her bag over her shoulder and went through the big double doors. She glanced up at the heavy stone building as she walked down the street. The New Watchers Council was housed in gray stone building that was almost gothic in appearance. Grinning gargoyles sat on the corners and ornate ledges. Giles had said they were to protect from demon spirits and other evil things. Hey, she would take all the help she could get.

It was a long walk to the coffee shop but Buffy enjoyed it. The night air was cool and the fog wrapped around her body like a lover, damp fingers caressing her skin. Her thoughts wandered to Angel. She wondered what he was doing for the thousandth time, even now after all this time and all that had happened, he was never far from her mind. They talked on the phone occasionally but not often. His questions always led to “are you done baking,” of course he didn’t say those words exactly but the implication was there.

It had been almost eight years since Sunnydale became known as The Southern California Crater. Geologists and archeologists and a bunch of other ologists went crazy trying to explain it. They had finally settled with natural phenomenon. Buffy smirked to herself. She’d been referred to as a lot of things in her very long slayer career, but never a natural phenomenon. Of course she hadn’t done it herself. Spike was actually responsible for the crater. She had seen Spike a few years ago. He had stopped by on his way to Spain. He was Spike and somehow their friendship never recovered really from her telling him she loved him and him knowing it wasn’t true. They talked on the phone occasionally and he teased her but it was all awkward.

Eight years, Buffy mused. She was almost thirty and she still didn’t know if she was done baking. She felt bad keeping Angel waiting and she had tried to talk to him about moving on. She had also spent the rest of the night locked in her bedroom in tears at the idea of Angel having a life with anyone but her. Angel had insisted he didn’t mind. He wasn’t getting any older. She had said eight years was a long time to wait. He had responded, “Not really. I waited 241 years to fall in love.” Buffy had hung up the phone and cried. She called back later and explained that she hadn’t meant to hang up on him. She just couldn’t talk and cry that hard at the same time.

Buffy stood in line at the coffee house. She placed her order and got herself a Black forest sugary, chocolate, coffee confection. The night was nice she decided to sit outside and drink her coffee. The others could heat theirs up in the microwave. That’s what it was for. Buffy wrapped her fingers around the cup and soaked in the warmth. She closed her eyes. She often wondered if she would know it when she was “baked.” Would she feel different? Maybe she’d be less confused more direction-y, maybe not. Buffy rolled her shoulders and opened her eyes. Maybe she should just call him, say you know I don’t even know how to bake so what’s the point in waiting until I learn, wanna come take a cooking class. Buffy snorted with laughter at herself. Angel so wouldn’t get her metaphors with baking and cooking and everything else. She wasn’t sure she got herself most of the time.

Buffy stood up and picked up the cardboard tray of coffee drinks. She held her own half full cup in the other hand. She meandered through the streets, glancing in shop windows, stopping every now and then. She smiled at a couple walking past. Their heads were bent and they were whispering back and forth, completely absorbed in each other. Buffy’s smile dropped. She remembered that feeling. It’d been a long time since she’d felt that. There had been other men besides Angel but there had never been any other man that could make her feel the way he did with just a look, or a smile. She knew baked, broiled, fried or completely raw, Angel was her “it”. He would be for the rest of her life, even if she never saw him again.

An explosion loud enough to leave her ears ringing shook the ground and pulled Buffy out of her reverie. People froze, turning to look, trying to find the source of the explosion. Nausea rolled her stomach over as Buffy realized it came from the same direction as the Watcher’s Council. She started to run, pushing past people. The crowds and the throngs got too thick. She couldn’t get close enough. She darted into an alley and began traversing the back ways to get there.

She almost didn’t notice the pack of vampires walking down the alley until they were right upon her.

“Slayer,” One of the vamps hissed.

Buffy looked at them with surprise. “I really don’t have time for this.”

“She was supposed to be there.” One of the vamps in the back said.

“Nester, shut up,” another vamp said.

“No, I think let him talk,” Buffy said.

“We can always take you out here, Slayer, your friends were just extra topping,” the lead vampire said.

Buffy shook her head, horror rolling over her face. “No, no!” She yelled and ran from the group of vampires, toward the Watcher’s council. She rushed past the crowd of police, firemen and paramedics that was quickly growing. The sight before her brought her to her knees, literally. All that was left of the Watcher’s council was a pile of rubble, a lot of ash and a fire that burned too hot to be accidental.

Buffy leaned over and vomited. She sat back on her haunches, trying to draw air. She put down one hand to steady herself. A sob was ripped from her throat as her hand came in contact with an ornate, stone gargoyle, somehow intact. The only thing she could think was it hadn’t done its job. Once she started crying she couldn’t stop. Each sob was jerked from a place deeper then Buffy known existed. They were all there. Willow, Xander, Dawn, Giles, they were all there.

“Giles!” She screamed. His name seemed to echo even above all the other noises. If anyone knew how to deal with this, it would be Giles. He always knew what to do.

She whirled around when someone touched her on the arm. It was a paramedic.

“Miss, are you alright?” the paramedic asked.

Buffy stared at him like he’d grown a second head or a third arm. Alright? How could she possibly be alright? She shook her head. “My friends-the people-have they already been taken to the hospital?” She managed to choke out.

“Don’t you worry about that, Miss. Let’s get you to an ambulance and check you over,” the paramedic wrapped his fingers around her upper arm and tried to lead her away.

Buffy shook her head. “No, I wasn’t-I wasn’t here. But the people that were. I need to know-“She stared at him in confusion.

“Miss, if you’ll just come with me,” the paramedic said leading her over to the ambulance. Buffy sat down just inside the ambulance. Everything around her was chaos. The smell of smoke and fire and something else she had smelt before but wasn’t ready to name, filled the air. Buffy choked on tears and smoke. She leaned back against the doorframe of the ambulance and closed her eyes. Her ears were more sensitive then most people’s and she if she concentrated she could pick out the conversation taking place between some of the firemen.

“Chief says keep looking. Do the best you can. We’re trying to cool down the fire so you guys can get further in.”

“There’s no one left alive in there, man. That flame has to be at least 1500 degrees. Who ever was in there is history.”

The fireman’s words washed over her. Buffy lunged to her feet and dashed for the flames. She shrugged off paramedics, cops and firemen. The heat from the fire blistered her bare skin long before she got close.

“Stop her!” someone screamed.

One of the firemen clothes lined her. Buffy hit the ground hard, the wind knocked out of her. She gasped, trying to force the warm, smoky air into her lungs. The fireman helped her to her feet and held her shoulders.

“No! Willow! Giles! Xander! Dawn!” Buffy screamed over and over. She sobbed but the heat from the fire evaporated her tears before they could leave her eyes. She struggled in the fireman’s arms. She drove an elbow back into his ribs and to his credit he hung on.

“Someone wanna get a sedative over here?” He yelled.

“No!” Buffy screamed and lunged again. The fireman barely kept his hold on her. She struggled half heartedly, sobs shook her body. She shook her head “No, no, no, no,” she yelled over and over.

A paramedic ran up to them. She felt a prick in her elbow and then the world fell silent.

Chapter Two

Buffy woke up to the sharp smell of antiseptic. A nurse with a kind face leaned over her and smiled. “There you are, love. We were beginning to think you weren’t going to wake up.” She was holding a clipboard with a file on it.

“My friends-the other people in the explosion-are they here?” Buffy asked.

Sympathy and pain filled the nurse’s eyes. “I’m sorry, love there was no one else brought in with you.”

“No, no, you’re wrong. They were taken to another hospital or they’re on another floor.” Buffy argued, tears begin to fill her eyes.

“I’m afraid not, Love. There were no survivors. I’m terribly sorry,” the nurse said.

Buffy sat up. She ripped the IV from the back of her hand, fluid flowed over the floor.

“Miss Summers, you can’t-“the nurse started.

Buffy stood up and shoved past the nurse nearly knocking her down. The nurse caught herself on the night stand. She picked up the phone and pushed a number. “Security, I need security on the fifth floor. I have an enraged patient.”

Buffy ran down the hall, glancing in rooms as she went. She brushed past an orderly. There was an outburst at the nurse’s station as she ran past them. Buffy slammed the door to the stairs open and ran down them. She could hear the clatter of security behind her, but they were only human. They didn’t have a chance of catching her. She had to get out of here and find Giles. Once she’d found him he’d make things right. He’d figure out what was going on. She came to the last door and shoved it open. Buffy ran right into a group of security guards. Two of them grabbed her by the arms.

“Jesus, she’s strong. Stick her already!” One of the guards said.

“No!” Buffy screamed. She caught one of the guards with an uppercut. He went down like a sack of potatoes. She jerked away from the other guard holding her and caught another in the chest with a side kick. She got a roundhouse off on a third guard and right hook to a fourth. She started to run again when one of the downed guards grabbed her by the wrist. He jerked hard, catching her just enough off balance that she fell to the floor. She struck her head on the tile floor hard enough that the room swam. She struggled, trying to get her bearings. A man in a white coat slide a needle underneath her skin. Between the guards they managed to hold her down for a few minutes until the drugs took effect.

“I’m going to request an evaluation and a transfer to the psych hospital,” the doctor said.

The hospital lobby swam in her vision and then everything went black.

Buffy woke up slowly. Her eyes were gritty and her mouth tasted like something had died in it. She tried to rub her eyes but found her wrist was tied down to something. She snapped awake instantly. There were leather restraints on her arms and legs. Buffy furrowed her brow and looked at the restraints. She tugged on them experimentally and then shrugged. She jerked hard with her right arm and the leather snapped like string. Buffy unbuckled the rest of the restraints and got up slowly. She dropped to the floor and glanced around the room. It was dark outside. The room she was in was small and private. There were bars on the windows. Buffy snuck toward the door, staying low. She made no noise in her bare feet.

She jiggled the doorknob and found it was locked. She had expected as much. Buffy twisted the knob and popped the lock. She opened the door a crack. The hallway beyond her room was dimly lit. There were several doors, all of them closed and dark. Buffy slipped out into the hallway. She crept barefoot along the wall. She came to a corner and peeked around it.

“Crap,” she cursed under her breath. At the end of the hallway there was a barred gate. It was locked and a watchman sat on the other side. Buffy slid down the wall, her knees tucked into her chest. She rested her chin on her knees and tried to come up with a plan. Her brain was still muzzy from the drugs. So far, she’d only seen humans but there had to be demons involved in something like this. She wasn’t the only slayer anymore, hadn’t been for eight years, but she was still the one to catch.

It had to be a trap, something to make her do something or tell them something. Giles and Willow and Xander, Dawn and all the slayers in the Watcher’s Council were fine. They were probably being held somewhere else, maybe in one of these rooms. Buffy got to her feet and walked back down the hallway. She peeked in each room. Even with her better then average night vision she couldn’t tell any details about the people in the dark rooms. The doors were locked, which didn’t really present a problem. Buffy snuck in each room, silently checking to see if one of these beds held her friends or her slayers. She was beginning to get worried. She stayed low and snuck up to the tenth bed. The man lying in it slightly resembled Giles but only slightly, his hair was rumpled in a way that Giles would never have allowed. Buffy backed out of the room and right into a nurse.

“Hey, your not supposed to be out of bed,” the nurse said.

“Uhm, insomnia,” Buffy offered weakly.

“Wasn’t your door locked? How did you get out?” The nurse asked. He looked Buffy up and down. He grabbed her wrist. “Come on, let’s get you back to your room.”

“Really, I think a walk would be good, maybe outside. The night air always helps me sleep,” Buffy babbled.

The nurse shook his head and continued to lead her to her room.

Buffy sighed. She jerked her wrist out of the man’s hand and cracked him in the nose with the back of her hand. She spun and caught him in the stomach with a roundhouse kick. He screeched in pain, his hand over his bleeding nose. He reached down and pressed a button on a walkie talkie at his waist. “Security, I need security in the psych ward.”

Buffy stumbled. Psych ward? She was on the psych ward. Flashbacks of the time she spent in a mental hospital right after she’d become a slayer assaulted her. Her world went off kilter and she got turned around. She was slammed into the bars of the gate she’d seen earlier. She shook her head and looked up into the eyes of beefy security guard.

“Stay right there, Miss. I don’t want to hurt you,” the guard said.

Buffy laughed. “I’m not the one that’s gonna get hurt.” She lunged forward. The guard was quicker then she would have given him credit for. Maybe this was the demon she kept expecting to encounter. She thrust out an open palm and caught him in the chin. He seemed to be expecting it. He grabbed her by the wrist so that when he stumbled back from the impact, she was jerked forward with him. He jerked her wrist again and pulled her into his body. He was holding a stun gun in the other hand. He dug it into her side and shocked her several times. Buffy fell to the floor screaming. Her muscles twitched from the shock still going through her body. A nurse pricked her skin again with a needle. Just before she drifted off into blackness she heard the nurse say

“I’m going to request a special security room and a lot of loxpine. This is the second time she’s injured some of our guys.”

Buffy struggled against it, but the blackness won and she drifted off into it.

Chapter Three

“My friends-the other people in the explosion-are they here?” Buffy asked.

Sympathy and pain filled the nurse’s eyes. “I’m sorry, love there was no one else brought in with you.”

“No, no, you’re wrong. They were taken to another hospital or they’re on another floor.” Buffy argued, tears begin to fill her eyes.

“I’m afraid not, Love. There were no survivors. I’m terribly sorry,” the nurse said.

Buffy sat up. She ripped the IV from the back of her hand, fluid flowed over the floor.

“Miss Summers, you can’t-“the nurse started.

“Jesus, she’s strong. Stick her already!” One of the guards said.

“I’m going to request an evaluation and a transfer to the psych hospital,” the doctor said.

The hospital lobby swam in her vision and then everything went black.

“Hey, your not supposed to be out of bed,” the nurse said.

“Uhm, insomnia,” Buffy offered weakly.

“Wasn’t your door locked? How did you get out?” The nurse asked. He looked Buffy up and down. He grabbed her wrist. “Come on, let’s get you back to your room.”

“Really, I think a walk would be good, maybe outside. The night air always helps me sleep,” Buffy babbled.

The nurse shook his head and continued to lead her to her room.

“Stay right there, Miss. I don’t want to hurt you,” the guard said.

“I’m going to request a special security room and a lot of loxpine. This is the second time she’s injured some of our guys.”

Buffy struggled against it, but the blackness won and she drifted off into it.

Chapter Four

Buffy woke up to a scream. At first she thought it was hers, then she realized it was coming from somewhere else. She tried to sit up. She was restrained, more tightly then before, by the wrists and ankles. This time the restraints were metal. Buffy tugged at them. There was no give at all. She glanced around the room. It was more barren and sterile then the cell she had been in before. There was no one way glass window here but she did see cameras anchored high in one corner of the room. As the drugs pulled back the veil of haziness that still permeated her brain, Buffy remembered the forms. Everything crashed down on her again. A sob was ripped from the deepest part of her and once she’d started she couldn’t stop crying. It was gone, her entire world was gone. At one time Buffy had thought being a slayer defined her. Once there were more slayers she realized it was her family, Willow, Giles, Xander, and Dawn, who defined her. They were gone and she was nothing.

Finally the tears stopped. Her hair was wet from the way they slid down her face and pooled into it. Her eyes were dry and swollen. Her throat ached from the effort of crying so much and so hard. Buffy stared up at the ceiling. There was nothing else she could do and the haziness of the drugs had faded away but she lacked the desire to try and break loose. There was no reason.

Buffy wasn’t sure how long she stared at the ceiling, willing her mind to go numb, to forget the things she’d seen and read. There was a knock on the door and it opened without waiting for her permission. A man walked through it. He had a Styrofoam tray with food on it and a Styrofoam cup with a straw. He smiled cautiously at her. No doubt he’d heard what had happened.

“Hello, Miss Summers. I’m Bennie. I’ll be one of the nurses that helps take care of you,” he said.

Buffy turned her head and stared blankly at him. Bennie was a heavy set guy with reddish brown hair and blue eyes. He had a wide smile and freckles. In any other situation it would have been hard not to smile back at Bennie.

Bennie sat the tray down on a small plastic table. “I’ll take those restraints off if you promise to take your medicine. If you try to hurt me or anyone else they are just going to lock you back up and they won’t be as quick to unlock you this time.”

Buffy nodded. “I won’t hurt anyone.”

Bennie nodded and fished some keys out of his pocket. He didn’t believe this tiny, little girl could do that much damage anyhow. She had gotten lucky with the shard of glass that had left Dr. Thomas with eight stitches and the possibility of a scar on his neck. As far as the glass she broke, it had to have been cracked already. There was no way anything human, much less this little girl, could have broken it other wise. He stepped toward her and unlocked her wrists first. He moved down to her ankles.

Buffy didn’t move even after the restraints were unlocked. She just kept staring at the ceiling. Bennie moved the table with the tray on it next to the bed. He handed Buffy a small plastic cup with two different pills in it. She sat up and swung her feet over the edge of the bed. Bennie then handed her a cup of water with a straw. She swallowed the pills obediently and hoped they’d make her numb again. Bennie smiled at her and walked back toward the door.

“Eat your dinner and if you continue the good behavior they’ll take you out of lock down in a few days and you can meet some of the other people here,” Bennie said as he walked out of the room. Buffy heard the locks on the door engage. She looked over the tray of food. There was something brown that was probably meat. There was a scoop of spinach, a plain white slice of bread and something that resembled tapioca pudding. Buffy took the plastic spoon and poked at the pudding. She ate a couple of spoonfuls of it and shoved the table away. She lay back down and turned on her side, facing the wall. The pills Bennie had given her were starting to take effect. Buffy closed her eyes and willed away the images of fire and rubble.

Angel walked into the hotel, exhaustion etched all over his body and face. He relaxed visibly as soon as he stepped into the Hyperion. It was home. He was home and at least for a little while it was a respite from the demons he’d spent the last two weeks battling with. The message light on the machine was blinking. Angel glanced at it and paused and then shook his head. He started up the stairs. He’d been gone for two weeks and it hadn’t exactly been a vacation. More like stopping a possible world ending apocalypse. He trudged up the stairs and into his bedroom. He stripped off his clothes and threw them in the laundry shoot. He turned the shower on as hot as he could stand it and stepped under the spray.

He closed his eyes and enjoyed the warmth the water brought to his normally room temperature body. Angel rested his palms against the tile of the shower and leaned his weight on them. He lathered up and shampooed his hair quickly. He wanted to take a nice long nap in his own bed. He stepped out of the shower, toweled off and walked naked to the bed. He slipped under the blankets and closed his eyes. Angel was asleep almost the moment his head hit the pillow.

When Angel woke up a several hours later, he got dressed and walked downstairs. He heated up a container of blood and sat down behind the curved desk in the hotel lobby to drink it. He pushed the button on the machine and flipped through some papers on Wes’ desk as he listened to fairly standard messages. His attention was instantly riveted when he heard her voice. She didn’t call unless it was something important. Talking hurt too much.

“Angel, its Buffy. I don’t know what the hell is going on but something has happened to Willow and Giles and Xander and Dawn and they have me here-“Angel heard her recorded gasp and then it sounded like the phone clattered to the floor. He could just hear the sound of glass being ground on tile if he listened carefully. He heard Buffy’s voice, more distant now, say “Big mistake.” Then there were several screams and the sound of a body hitting the floor. The message ended with a barely whispered “Angel.” Blind panic washed over him. Buffy was hurt somewhere and alone. The first place he called was The Watcher’s Council in London. He got an out of order computerized message. The second number he dialed was Wes. If anyone could find out what was happening in London, Wes could.

Angel relayed the message Buffy had left him to Wes. “I’m worried, Wes. No one picks up at the Watcher’s Council. There should be someone there. I’ve tried the last number I had for Willow. She was in Rio but I know she was headed to London in a few weeks, last I spoke to her and there was no response in Rio either.”

“I’ll see what I can find. I haven’t been up dated on any of the events that occurred while we were gone but I’ll certainly get up to date and find something out,” Wes said.

“Thanks, Wes,” Angel said before hanging up.

Angel picked up the stack of newspapers that had gathered in the courtyard while he was gone. He sat down on the round couch and started thumbing through them, looking first at the front pages. He had just started on the international news pages when Wes burst through the front doors.

“Angel, a week a half ago the Watchers Council blew up. There was nothing left but some rubble and there were no survivors,” Wes said waving some papers around.

“Buffy, the call-what was the date?” Angel asked, panic creeping back into his voice.

“The explosion occurred on June 23,” Wes said glancing down at his papers.

Angel ran over to the answering machine. He punched some buttons on the machine and eventually got to Buffy’s message. The time and date stamp said June 26. Angel let out a sigh of relief. “Ok, this came after the explosion. She’s alive. Now I just have to find her.”

Chapter Five

Buffy sat alone at a small round table in the common room. Her arms were crossed over her stomach; one leg was curled up underneath her. Her head was bowed and her hair, stringy and unkempt, fell over her face like a curtain effectively hiding her from prying eyes. It was unusual that she was sitting alone. All the other tables were crowded with patients playing games or talking or some just sitting like her. They had all learned a few days ago that Buffy didn’t play well with others. Richard, a perfectly harmless man, had sat down beside her. He had tried to engage her in a game of dominos or cards. Buffy had shook her head. He had persisted and tried to get her to talk. Finally, Buffy had had enough. She had stood up and thrown her chair, not hitting anyone only by very careful slayer aim. The chair had shattered against the wall she’d thrown it with such force.

She had placed both palms flat on the table and glared at Richard with feral eyes. “I said leave me the fuck alone.” She had growled. The security guards swarmed over the common room. Richard had cowered in a corner. It had taken four security guards and a stun gun to subdue Buffy enough to give her the shot of Haldol. They had carted her off to her room kicking and screaming. For days afterwards the nurses, orderlies and guards could be heard whispering in frightened tones about the little blond that was so strong. They were scared of her and it showed. Her medication was increased until she was on startlingly high doses of Librium.

After a few days, Buffy was allowed to go back in the common room but the patients stayed away from her. No one wanted to go near her, she might throw a chair at them. They gave her sidelong glances from a distance. That was fine with Buffy. She didn’t want anyone near her. If people talked to her it broke through the numbness, the catatonia that allowed her to step away from herself and her pain.

Bennie, the only orderly who wasn’t afraid of Buffy, even though he’d seen what she could do, stepped into the common room. His loud baritone boomed over the room. “Alright everyone it’s lunch time.”

The patients all stopped what they were doing and started shuffling toward the lunch room. Buffy remained in her chair staring at the vinyl floor. She was surprised when Bennie walked over and crouched down beside her.

“Aren’t you going to eat lunch, Buffy?” He asked.

She shook her head and said in a rough croak, “not hungry.”

“Come on, you didn’t eat breakfast. You’ve got to eat,” Bennie encouraged.

“Ate an orange,” Buffy said.

Bennie chuckled. “Alright, if I bring you another orange will you eat it?”

Buffy nodded.

“Okay, but you have to sit in the lunch room with everyone else,” Bennie said.

She nodded and followed the big man into the lunch room. She sat in a corner on the floor by herself. True to his word, Bennie brought her an orange and true to hers, she ate it.

“Dammit, where is she, Wes?” Angel asked pacing the lobby of the hotel.

“I don’t know. I can trace her to the hospital in London, but after that the trail goes cold. It’s possible that whoever blew up the Watcher’s Council-“Wes started.

“No.” Angel whirled on his heel and was in Wes’ face in the space of a heartbeat. “She’s out there somewhere. She’s alone and scared and I will find her.”

Buffy sobbed hysterically in her room. She threw herself against the door and screamed unintelligibly at the top of her lungs. The doctor stood outside the door with a nurse.

“What happened? Did something set her off?” The doctor asked.

The nurse shook her head. “She was asleep. She woke up screaming and crying and then started throwing herself against the door.”

“Why didn’t you send some of the orderlies in?” the doctor asked.

“We did. She broke Tom’s arm and slammed Leo so hard against the wall that he may have permanent spinal damage,” the nurse said.

Dr. Strom looked at her like she was crazy. “You’re telling me that that little girl in there injured two orderlies so badly they had to go to the hospital?”

“Yes, Dr. She’s amazingly strong,” the nurse said.

Dr. Strom shook his head. “Alright, let’s get some of the guards in there with stun guns and give her a shot of Haldol, a big one. I’ll up her medication some more. I don’t like keeping anyone on this high a dosage. Has the psychiatrist been in to see her?”

“She’s supposed to come today,” the nurse confirmed.

Dr. Strom nodded. “Alright, thank you.”

Buffy sat listlessly in the big club chair in the psychiatrist’s office. The woman that sat across from her reminded her of Willow. The hair was a darker red the Willow’s had been but her face was sweet and open. Her name was Dr. Emma Brown. She wore a well tailored beige pantsuit and leaned forward on the edge of her chair like she was really interested in what you were saying. So far, Buffy hadn’t said anything.

“You know, Buffy, I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me,” she said.

Buffy glanced up briefly. Tears glistened unshed in her eyes. “You remind me of my best friend, Willow. She’s dead now. They’re all dead.”

“I know. I’m sorry. It’s hard to lose people like that,” Dr. Brown said.

“No, you don’t understand. It’s my fault. All the bad things that ever happened to them were my fault. If I hadn’t gone to Sunnydale, maybe the monsters, the demons wouldn’t have. They come hunting me you know. Even when I wasn’t the only one anymore they hunted me,” Buffy said. She laughed and it was dry, hollow sound almost like grating. “I know I shouldn’t be telling you this but what are you gonna do? Lock me in the nuthouse.” She laughed again.

“Buffy, we all have our demons and as much as we’d like too, we can’t run away from them, but that explosion wasn’t your fault, unless you lit the fire and walked away, it wasn’t your fault.” Dr. Brown didn’t even seem phased by Buffy’s confession but then again, last week someone had told her he was the reincarnation of Frankenstein who, the man had told her, was the doctor, not the monster.

Buffy retreated back into the numb part of her mind and closed the door. Dr. Brown finally gave up talking to her when her hour was over. The guards escorted Buffy back to her room, stun guns held at ready.

With the new doses of medication they had Buffy on, she was barely aware of where she was or even who she was. She spent the days sitting in a corner on the floor in the common room, apart from everyone. Her body was there but her mind was definitely somewhere else. That somewhere else was Los Angeles, before she was slayer, before her Mom and Dad had started fighting. She was just Buffy Summers, not the slayer, not responsible for saving the world or killing her friends. At first, Buffy just skipped over the memories, sifting through them. Lately she had begin to make up memories, things that might have been if she hadn’t been called. It was a nice life to live inside her head and it didn’t hurt.

Occasionally one person from Sunnydale would show up. It made sense since he was actually in LA, where her dream world happened, but she always pushed him back out. He was part of that world. She didn’t want to live in that world anymore, so when she felt him inside, a tingling at the base of her spine, one day, she just closed the door, shut him out and went back the life she lived in her head.

Angel parked the rental car in the garage of Brixadon Mental Institution. It’d taken three weeks to find out where she was. Wes had tried all his contacts. He’d talked to everyone he could at the hospital and come up with nothing. So Angel had flown to London and done some threatening. He’d had to scare a few people, flash some fang and even draw a little bit of blood, but eventually they gave him the name of the mental hospital Buffy was in. They’d also gladly given him copies of the relatively thin file they had on Buffy. The technical assessment was post traumatic stress.

He already had a copy of the report on the explosion. It was still an open case. They hadn’t found any evidence of what happened. It had seemed there was just a big, almost impossibly concentrated blast of incredible heat. Angel knew how to explain it, majick. Whoever had done this wanted to take out the slayers and the watcher’s council. They’d very nearly done it. He had Wes looking for any remaining slayers or watchers, so far he’d turned up very little, but then they were probably in hiding.

Angel smiled at the receptionist sitting at the front desk. She had a name tag. It said Marie. She glanced up and smiled back.

“Hello, Sir. Can I help you?” She asked.

“Yeah, I’m here to see a patient,” Angel said.

“I’m sorry but visiting hours are from three to six,” Marie said.

“Alright, then I can come back in a couple of hours and see her?” Angel asked.

“What was the patient’s name?” she asked turning to her computer.

“Buffy Summers,” Angel said.

Marie typed in Buffy’s name and a frown came across her face. “I’m sorry, Miss Summers isn’t allowed visitors.”

“She lost her entire family, almost everyone she knew in an explosion. I’m from America, Los Angeles, I just heard about it. I’m probably one of the few people alive that she knows. I need to see her,” he said.

She looked up at Angel. He did his best to give her pitiful, harmless, puppy dog eyes. Sometimes you did catch more flies with honey, besides if it didn’t work he could always go back to threatening. “There’s not a lot I can do, but I can get your number and take a message to the doctor. He’ll call you when he gets a chance.”

“I really don’t have a lot of time,” She doesn’t have a lot of time, Angel thought. Now that he was this close, he could feel her inside and she was coming undone. “Is there anyway I could see him now? I don’t mind waiting.”

Marie glanced at him again and considered it. She picked up the phone and dialed an extension. She smiled and started to speak, “Dr. Strom, this is Marie. I have someone here who knows and wants to see Buffy Summers. He’s waiting in the lobby with me. If you’ll just call down and let me know, we’d appreciate it.” She hung up the phone. “I got his voice mail. He checks it regularly. He’s probably making rounds, checking on the patients. You can have a seat over there.” The receptionist pointed out a grouping of chairs and loveseats in deep eggplant.

Angel nodded and walked over to the chairs. He sat down, folded his hands in his lap and prepared to wait all day if necessary and all night if he didn’t get tossed out.

Marie at the front desk watched the handsome, dark headed man. He was perfectly still. Most people shuffled or jittered. They flipped through magazines or paced or made some sort of nervous movement. This man did none of these things. He just sat with his head slightly bowed, brow furrowed and an incredibly sorrowful look on his face. It was intriguing and it made her hope that Dr. Strom didn’t keep him waiting too long.

It also made her wonder who Buffy Summers was and why this man loved her so much. He ached with it. His love was a tangible thing when he said her name. Marie sighed a little and opened the paperback romance novel she kept on her desk for when things got quiet like they were now. When the phone rang an hour later, it surprised her so much she jumped. It was an in-house call.

“Front desk, this is Marie,” she answered. She glanced over at Angel. “Yes, I’ll send him right up. Thank you.” She hung up the phone. Angel had stood and was walking toward her.

Marie tried to avoid staring at him. He was gorgeous, just like the men in her romance novels. “That was Dr. Strom. If you’ll take the elevator there, his office is on the top floor. When you step out of the elevator turn to your right and go down the hall. It’s the third door on your right.”

“Thank s Marie. I really appreciate it,” Angel said.

He found Dr. Strom’s office easily. The door was open and the doctor was looking over folders or something on his desk. Angel rapped softly on the door. The doctor looked up. “Oh, I didn’t hear you. It’s unusual someone sneaks up on me.”

“I’m kind of sneaky,” Angel offered.

The doctor chuckled, “Please have a seat.”

Angel stepped inside the office and sat down in the chair across from the doctor’s desk. He glanced around the room. It was pretty much what he had expected. The space was fairly large but it was crowded with medical books and file folders.

“I’m Dr. Phillip Strom,” the doctor introduced himself and stood up to shake Angel’s hand.

“I’m Angel,”

Dr. Strom waited a pause for a last name. When there was none forth coming he went on. “You know Miss Summers then?”

Angel smiled at the mention of her name. He wanted to say I’ve known Buffy since the beginning of time not really advisable when you’re talking to a mental health doctor so he said, “I’ve known Buffy since she was sixteen.”

“She has completely mystified all of us here,” Dr. Strom said. He glanced down at his file. “She has injured a dozen people in the three weeks she’s been here. She broke through a shatter proof piece of one way glass, she broke the locks on all the doors on one floor, she threw a shard of glass at one of the doctors. It stuck in his neck. He’s going to be fine but he’s got stitches. She’s injured countless guards to varying degrees. She broke one of the nurse’s arms and damaged another’s spine so badly he may have back problems for the rest of his life.”

Angel winced at every accusation. Buffy had been busy

“All the patients, doctors, nurses and orderlies are scared of her. She’s five foot nothing. She weighs less then seven stone the last time we got her on the scale. She shouldn’t be able to do these things,” Dr. Strom said.

“Buffy has always been strong. She works out,” Angel offered weakly.

“She’s suffered a huge loss and she’s incredibly violent. We’ve had to use more force and Haldol more then I would have liked-“Dr. Strom started.

“You hurt her?” Angel felt the rage building in his belly

“Mr. Angel, we had no choice. Did you hear me when I told what she has done to the orderlies here?” Dr. Strom said.

Angel shook his head. He had no answer for the doctor. There wasn’t much you could do for an angry, mentally unstable slayer. “I want her released. I’ll take responsibility for her.”

“I can’t release her. She’s a danger to herself and to anyone else she comes in contact with.” Dr. Strom said. “Buffy needs help the kind of help we can give her here.”

“I can tell you’re helping a lot, you’ve been using force with her and shooting her full of drugs. Have you tried shock therapy on her yet or was that going to happen next week?” Angel spat.

“We haven’t. I wanted to try counseling and drug therapy first,” Dr. Strom said calmly. “I won’t release her, not now.”

Angel sighed. “I want to see her then.”

Dr. Strom looked up at the determined glare on the young man’s face. He couldn’t be more then 26 or 27 years old but his eyes were ancient. “And if I refuse?”

“I’ve got nothing else to do. I can hang around here for a long time,” Angel said.

“That’s what I figured. She might become violent when she sees you. We never know what to expect with her, especially if we wake her up,” Dr. Strom said.

“I can handle myself, “Angel said.

“Alright, then come with me,” Dr. Strom stood up.

Angel looked through the tiny glass window in Buffy’s door. His heart broke and he fought the urge to break down. She looked pitiful sitting in a chair that was positioned so she could look out a small barred window, but she wasn’t looking out the window. She was just sitting and staring into space.

“She’s taken her medication recently, so she should be fairly calm. If she doesn’t respond to you, don’t take it personally. Buffy seems to have two speeds, non responsive or violent. Personally I’ll take non responsive,” Dr. Strom said.

“I’d let her beat the bloody hell out of me if it would make this better,” Angel said quietly.

Somehow Dr. Strom knew it was the truth. “We’ll be watching on the camera there. If you need any help you can get our attention.”

Angel nodded. Dr. Strom unlocked the door and opened it. Angel stepped inside. He heard the lock behind him snap shut. He stepped toward Buffy silently. There was no sign that she knew he was there even though he was aware her predatory senses must be going off. She might not feel vampires instinctively but she knew when someone was behind her. He crouched down beside her chair.

His throat completely closed up. Her blond hair was tangled and knotted. She had never allowed it to get like this. “Buffy,” he held his figurative breath, waiting to see if she’d recognize him. He was about to give up when her eyes flicked toward him.

“Buffy, it’s Angel. I’m here,” he whispered.

She shook her head. “You’re not supposed to be here. You don’t live here.”

“No, I don’t but I am here,” Angel said.

“S’okay, if I push you’ll go away,” she said.

Angel bit his lip. He deserved that he supposed. “I’ll be back though. They won’t let me take you out of here. You could leave if you wanted.”

Buffy shook her head. “No. Safe here, I don’t get anyone hurt here.”

“Buffy, you didn’t get them hurt. It’s not your fault. Who ever blew up the building, they did it,” Angel said. He moved to brush her hair out of her face so he could actually see her and she flinched. He put his hand back down. He stood up and went to sit on the bed across from Buffy.

She was too thin. She hadn’t been eating. There were dark circles under her eyes, evidence she hadn’t been sleeping well. Angel was pretty sure if he could get her to look up at him she’d be glassy eyed and stoned out of her mind on medication.

“I know things have been hard here for you, Buffy. I’m going to try and make that better. You’ve got to stop fighting them though,” Angel said.

Buffy nodded so slightly Angel might not have seen it if he hadn’t been watching her so closely.

“I’m going to stay here, as long as you need me. I’ll stay,” Angel promised.

She whispered in a very low singsong voice “How’s forever? Does forever work for you? I can’t remember if that happened or I made it up.”

Angel was kneeling in front of her in an instant. He knew the cameras had caught the unnaturally fast movement and he didn’t care. They could wonder what he was all they wanted. “It happened, Buffy. You didn’t make it up. Look at me,” He slowly, carefully placed his fingers on her chin and tilted her head toward him so that he could make eye contact. He was right, her hazel gray eyes were glassy and slightly unfocused. “It happened and forever works just fine for me,” he whispered.

Chapter Six

Angel scrubbed a hand across his face. He yawned. He was tired. He hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep the night before. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Buffy sitting in her chair in the mental hospital. He could only imagine what a nightmare it was for her. He knew she’d been in one once before, after she’d burned down the gym at her old high school in LA. She’d told him one night when they were at the mansion, trying to find anything to think about except the fact that they couldn’t touch without wanting more and they couldn’t have more without Angelus coming out to play.

Which brought him to the reminder that nothing had changed, they still couldn’t touch without wanting and they still couldn’t have what they wanted. Angel couldn’t leave her. It wasn’t like when he left her the first time. She’d had friends, family, people who loved her. He was the only one left in the world that loved her now. He’d be damned if he was going to walk away from her now.

Angel got up and got a bag of blood from the mini fridge. He popped it in the mini microwave and then poured the warm blood into a glass. He sat on the bed, drank his blood and brooded about Buffy. All in all, it was a pretty standard morning for him.

At precisely three o’ clock, when visiting hours started, Angel was at the hospital. Dr. Strom greeted him. “I thought you’d be back today,” he said.

“I’ll be back every day, until Buffy gets released,” Angel said firmly.

Dr. Strom nodded. “She’s in her room again. We tried to get her to come out earlier but she refused. Her lunch tray is still in there, if you could get her eat any of it-well she hasn’t been eating much. Occasionally one of our orderlies, the only one that isn’t afraid of her, can get her to eat an orange or some tapioca pudding.”

“I’ll try but I can’t promise anything. Buffy doesn’t do anything Buffy doesn’t want to do. She’s stubborn,” Angel said.

“Something I’m sure you would recognize,” Dr. Strom said with a smile.

Angel chuckled. “I’m worse then she is.”

Angel stepped inside Buffy’s room. She was sitting on the bed cross legged. Her head was bowed and she didn’t look up when he walked in. He was beginning to wonder if she still felt him inside, like she once did, like he felt her. He sat down gingerly on the bed and smiled at her.

“Buffy,”

She made no response. Angel longed to hear her say his name. He could drown in that one simple word.

“How’s the day going?” He asked her.

Buffy glanced up at him with dead eyes. There was no spark, no luminance, only glassy and slightly unfocused. He had to get her out of here and get her backed off the drugs. There was no way she was going to get better if they kept her like this out of fear. Angel leaned forward slightly and slowly, lightly took her hands in his.

“Buffy, if I promised to stay with you and make sure no one else got hurt, would you let me take you out of here?” Angel asked.

He wasn’t sure she’d understood him at first. He wasn’t sure her drug numbed mind could process what he was asking. Finally she spoke, “you’re not so good at the staying, Angel. I’m not good company now and it’s not going to get better. Are you sure you wouldn’t run?”

Angel kissed Buffy’s knuckles. He looked up at her. “I’m here, for as long as you’ll have me.”

“What if-“Buffy started and looked away, tears filling her eyes.

“Buffy, I’m never gonna die. I’m immortal, remember,” Angel said. Technically it wasn’t true but she needed to hear it.

Buffy took a deep breath. “Okay,”

Angel smiled at her. “I’ll go get Dr. Strom.”

Dr. Strom sat at his desk in his office. Angel sat across from him. Buffy sat in a chair next to Angel. She gripped his hand with enough force to bruise it had he been human.

“I don’t recommend this. Buffy is going to need a lot of help. Angel, you’re going to need a lot of help with her. When she becomes violent-“Dr. Strom shook his head.

“I can handle her,” Angel said.

Buffy downed her head. She hadn’t said much during the meeting.

“I intend to make sure she sees a psychiatrist. You said you’ll prescribe medicines for her. I’ll make sure she sees a doctor in Los Angeles. I’ll take care of her,” Angel said.

“Buffy, are you sure this is what you want?” Dr. Strom asked.

Buffy looked up. “I can’t live here forever and me being here puts everyone in danger, at least Angel knows how to handle it. I want to go.”

Dr. Strom sighed. “Alright then, I’ll get your release papers together and order your medication. You should be able to leave in a few hours.”

Buffy had been completely silent on the plane ride. The car ride was equally as silent. Angel tried to get Buffy to talk but she only stared out the window, occasionally touching her fingers to the necro tempered glass.

It was dark when they landed in Los Angeles. Angel had arranged to have a limo from Wolfram and Hart pick them up. Buffy had no luggage and he only carried one small bag so they went directly from the jet to the limo.

"Wolfram and Hart should be fairly deserted this time of night so it's unlikely we'll run into anyone," Angel said. He imagined that Buffy would be nervous meeting people, if the drugs she was on allowed her to feel anything like nerves.

The limo driver pulled into the underground parking garage. He opened the door for them and tried to help Buffy out but she flinched and shrunk back into the long, black car.

"Go on, we'll handle it," Angel said and waved the driver away. The driver stepped back from the car, unsure of what to do. Angel grasped Buffy by the upper arm and half dragged, half helped her out of the car. There was a private elevator that went directly to Angel's penthouse.

"The penthouse came with the company. It's got the necro tempered glass so I can move around in the day time," Angel babbled in the elevator. The reality of what had happened was beginning to hit him. He was Buffy's whole world now. He didn't know if he was up to being her whole world. There were still so many things between them. He still couldn't go out into the sunlight. He couldn't take her on picnics or to the beach. He couldn't give her children or make love to her. She was going to grow old and die and he wouldn't.

The elevator stopped and Angel guided Buffy into the penthouse and toward the guest bedroom.

"This will be your room. I'm just across the hall. I had some store deliver a bunch of clothes in your size. Anything you don't like we can send back. There should be pajamas and other things in the dresser. The clothes are in the closet," he said.

Buffy nodded and slipped inside the bathroom. Angel sighed. He was beginning to doubt whether this was for the best or not.

Buffy white knuckled the edge of the sink. She fought the tears that rushed into her eyes like warm water from a faucet. The medicine cabinet door was open and it was filled with deodorant, toothpaste, a pink toothbrush, perfume, face cleanser and lotion, all her favorite brands from when she was in high school, when she and Angel were so much more we then an I. She didn't have to open the glass shower doors to know that her favorite shampoo would be sitting on the shelf.

She had never realized he paid so much attention to all those little details. She sat down on the tile floor and then bent over, laying her forehead against the coolness. She didn't know if she could do this. Her world was gone, or more specifically her world was encompassed completely in a man who had a history of leaving her. She felt like she was hanging by a threadbare shred and it was fraying.

Chapter Seven

Angel sat in a chair next to the bed and watched her sleep. Occasionally she twitched in her sleep or furrowed her brow but over all she was still and quiet. He knew it was because of the sleeping pills the doctor had prescribed to help her sleep. Apparently she had horrible night terrors with out them, night terrors in which she often injured herself.

He had spent so many nights in Sunnydale watching Buffy sleep, more nights then she realized. She had never been this still and quiet in her sleep. She always talked in her sleep, thrashed in the bed, frowned and smiled. He used to like to think when she smiled she was dreaming of him. He knew better now. She was more likely to have night terrors while dreaming of him.

Angel sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He buried his head in his hands. This thing with Buffy had thrown quite a curve ball at him. He’d gotten comfortable running Wolfram and Hart, fighting evil that way. He’d even accepted somewhere deep inside of himself that Buffy was never going to be ready for a relationship with him. They’d been through too much, done too much damage to each other. There had never been a question of whether Buffy loved him, or vice versa, but sometimes there was so much damage even love couldn’t repair it. Buffy would always be waiting, holding her breath, for the next time he hurt her. You couldn’t build a relationship on that but now the same fate that had spent so many years, more then Angel cared to think of, pushing them apart had thrown them together. He was literally one of the last, if not the last, person in the world that Buffy knew.

Angel remembered what it was like to be utterly alone in the world. He wouldn’t allow Buffy to feel that desolation, ever.

It took her a moment to remember where she was at when she first woke up. She blinked at the richly decorated room and fear shot through her as she realized she wasn’t in the institution anymore. Emptiness replaced the fear as her memories crept in. She was at Angel’s and her family was dead. She sat up in bed, clawing in the nightstand drawer for her medication only to find it wasn’t there. The pain was already beginning to seep in, had to get it out, had to keep it out, she thought. A rumbling sound interrupted her thoughts and it took a moment to realize, remember, it was her stomach growling. It’d been a long time since she’d actually been hungry. The smell of bacon and eggs cooking encouraged her stomach.

Angel walked in at that moment with a breakfast tray. He smiled at her but she could sense the nervousness in him. He was nervous around her.

“Good morning, I hope you’re hungry,” he said.

“Where’s my medicine?” Buffy asked.

“It’s in my bag. I never unpacked it after we got back last night,” Angel said.

“I take my medicine first thing in the morning. Can I have it please?” She asked.

Angel swallowed hard and nodded tersely. He set the tray down on the bed and disappeared into the other room. He returned shortly with several bottles of medicine. Buffy almost smiled thinking how tiny the bottles looked in his hands.

“Which ones do you take?” He asked spreading his hands wide so she could inspect the bottles.

Buffy leaned close to him. She bit her lip and tensed. It made her nervous to be around people. It made her even more nervous to be around Angel. “Uhm, that one and that one,” she said selecting two bottles. She jumped backwards in the bed, disturbing the breakfast tray and sloshing orange juice out of the glass.

“Sorry,” she winced.

Angel shook his head. “No, it’s fine. Take your medicine and I’ll clean this up.”

She nodded and took the orange juice glass Angel offered her. She took her pills and chased them back with a swallow of orange juice. Angel returned with a towel. He cleaned up the spilled juice and handed her a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon. She toyed with her eggs and avoided his eyes.

“I put cheese in them. I’m a pretty good cook, so I’m told, for someone who doesn’t eat,” Angel said.

Buffy made a half hearted attempt at smiling at him. She pushed the eggs around with her fork, eventually spearing a bite and eating it. Angel watched her silently.

“You can do other things you know,” she said.

Angel blinked and looked away. “Sorry, I-“ he stopped.

Buffy ate a few bites and then set the plate aside.

“You didn’t eat much,” he said.

She shrugged. “Not hungry much,” she responded.

Angel pulled his lips into a thin line to avoid chastising her. She was much, much too skinny. “Alright,” he sighed. “If you want to get dressed, I’ll show you around the building.”

She shook her head. “I’ll just stay here,” she said.

Angel furrowed his brow. He hadn’t expected that. His Buffy wouldn’t want to sequestered in a room. She’d want to know what was beyond these walls, who was beyond these walls.

“Okay-I’ll-“ he faltered. He sat down on the edge of the bed. “Buffy, I don’t know how to do this. I want to help you. Do you want me to stay or do you want to be left alone? I’ll do anything you want me to do; you just have to tell me.”

“I want you to bring them back, Angel. I want Dawnie, Giles, Willow, Xander, all them back,” she said.

It didn’t matter how many times he saw her hurting, it ripped him up inside to hear the plaintive tone of her voice, to hear such a request coming from her lips.

“I would if I could,” he said quietly.

He retrieved a book from the living room and settled in a chair near Buffy’s bed. “I’ll just be here. If you want anything let me know,” he said.

Buffy lay down in the bed. She turned on her side so she could watch Angel read. He gave her a small smile and then turned his attention to his book. Most people felt the need to fill the silence up with chatter. Angel never had. It was nice to be still and quiet with him. It gave her the chance to openly stare at him. He was still the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen in this dimension or any other. And they sat in silence like that, her staring at him, him reading a book.

Chapter Eight

“Buffy, you’ve got to get out of this room. You’ve been here for a week.” Angel watched her toy with her breakfast. She rarely ate more then a few bites. “And you’ve got to start eating more.”

“I don’t want to get out of this room. They didn’t make me leave my room in the institution. And I’m not hungry.”

Angel exploded, swiping the bottles of pills off her nightstand. “No you’re not hungry because all these damn pills kill your appetite and you’re not in the institution anymore. You’re in my house and I’m telling you are going to get out of this room.”

“Is that why you dragged me out here? So you can tell me what to do?” Buffy yelled back at him.

Angel closed his eyes. He took a deep breath, steadying his temper. “No, I brought you out here because I love you and I couldn’t bear the thought of you locked in that institution.”

Buffy swallowed thickly. She avoided his gaze. “It wasn’t that bad. It…they kept me numb.”

“You can’t go through your entire life not feeling.”

“Why not? I shouldn’t even be here! I was supposed to be inside the building when it blew up! I shouldn’t even be here!” Buffy screamed. Her eyes filled with tears and she struggled to keep them back. She didn’t want to break. She was afraid if she broke there wouldn’t be enough of herself to put back together.

Angel sat down on the bed next to her. He grabbed her by the wrist and started to pull her into his embrace. She fought against him.

“No! You can’t do that! You can’t just hold me and make everything better! It doesn’t work this time,” she half sobbed.

“I know I can’t make everything better. That’s not the point of holding you. I just…” Angel faltered. “I just want to give you comfort.”

“I can’t let you,” Buffy said and pulled further away from him.

“Why not?”

“Because if I let myself love you again and you leave…I’m better off alone then I am being left.” She kept her eyes downcast, still unwilling to look at him.

Angel took a deep breath. “Buffy, I’m staying. I will not leave you. I promised you that when I took you out of the hospital.”

Buffy pushed herself off the bed and went over by the window. Angel noticed she gravitated to the sunlight, even when she knew the necro tempered glass allowed him to follow her. “I can call my dad. He’ll pick me up.”

He walked to her, putting a hand on her shoulder and turning her toward him. “I don’t want anyone to pick you up, Buffy. I want you here. I’ve been trying to get you back since the last time I went to Sunnydale. I’ve been patient, but I’m tired of waiting. You are my destiny, Buffy. You have been since the moment I saw you.”

Buffy shook her head and pulled away. “You’re the only person left in the world that I know. That doesn’t make us destined, Angel. That makes us inevitable. It’s like if you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman. Inevitably we’re going to end up together.”

“Dammit! You are so hard headed!” He grabbed her by the shoulders, pulling her to him. “I love you. I have loved you since the moment I saw you. It’s one of the few constants in my life. The sun will always rise, the night will always fall and I will always love Buffy Summers. Now you have got to let me in.”

“Or what?”

Angel sighed. He let go of her shoulders and stepped back. “Or I spend the rest of my days trying to get in. You won’t get rid of me, Buffy, not that easily. Now come on, get dressed. I’ve got an entire building to show you.”

She looked up at him from the corner of her eye. “Can we start with the small parts of it?”

Buffy fidgeted with the black lace shoulder strap. “I don’t think I can do this,” she told her reflection.

“Sure you can. It’s dinner at Fred and Wes’. You’ll be fine.”

She felt Angel’s hand slide up her arm. She didn’t see it in the mirror though. It was oddly comforting, like he’d be there even when she couldn’t see him.

“If you get uncomfortable we’ll leave,” he promised.

Buffy chuckled dryly. “Yeah and have Fred and Wes both think I’m a freak.”

“Fred spent six years in a cave on Pylea. It took her months to get out of her room when we brought her back to the Hyperion. She’s not going to think you’re a freak. Take a deep breath. You look beautiful.”

“Yeah?”

Angel smiled and nodded. “Yeah.”

She nodded. “Okay.”

The drive to Fred and Wes’ apartment was short. Buffy contemplated asking Angel to turn around nearly half a dozen times. She’d been in LA two weeks. She was cutting back on her medicine and trying to get out more. This was her first trip outside of the Wolfram and Hart building.

Angel pulled the big, black car into a parking space and walked around to help Buffy out of the car. She wore a black lace overlay dress that was really too large on her thin frame. Angel was trying to get her to eat more, but so far he wasn’t having a lot of luck.

Fred opened the door before they even knocked. She enveloped Buffy in a warm hug immediately and Buffy struggled not to pull away from her. She gave Angel a panicked look. Angel put a hand on Fred’s arm and nearly pulled the pretty brunette away from Buffy and into a hug of his own. Buffy’s eyes shone with gratefulness.

“Oh, Honey, you look so pretty,” Fred said turning back to Buffy. “Come on in, both of you. Wes is just finishing up dinner.”

“Thank you,” Buffy whispered as they followed Fred further into the apartment. The apartment was decorated simply, classically. It smelled wonderful inside.

Everything seemed to move in fast forward to Buffy, then they’d jerk and stop at a certain point, slowing down to a crawl. They were sitting around the table, laughing and eating pasta when it slowed down this time.

“So what do you plan on doing while you’re here, Buffy? We could go shopping sometime if you wanted. I’m not really a shopper but we could call Cordy and see if she wants to come with us.”

“N-no, I-I don’t know. I mean-I don’t…” she faltered.

“Oh, it’s okay if you don’t wanna go out yet. I remember what that’s like. I spent three months in my room when I came back from Pylea so you’re doing better then I did already,” Fred rambled.

Buffy shook her head and flushed red. Angel leaned over and whispered to her. “Just breathe.” She took his advice and took a deep breath.

“I think I’ll just stick a little closer to Angel’s penthouse for a little while.”

Fred nodded. “If you change your mind or if you want to do something later, you know where my office is. Just come on up anytime for coffee or you know whatever.”

Wes laid a hand on Fred’s. “Fred, Darling, I think you’re scaring her.”

“Oh, gosh! I’m sorry. I must seem a little overzealous. Since Cordy started her acting career, I’ve been starved for a little girl time. I’m not trying to be scary though, just friendly.”

Buffy couldn’t help but smile at the brunette. “It’s okay. I’m just trying to take things slow, one day at a time and all that. Sometime maybe I’ll stop by though.”

The rest of dinner tended to revolve around work and what everyone was doing there. Buffy sat and listened while she pushed food around her plate.

“One of our clients has a problem with Fealson demon. I’ve been trying to research them, find out exactly how to kill them, but so far…” Wes said.

“Beheading,” Buffy said.

Wes looked at her. “You’re quite sure?”

“Yeah, they’re not from our dimension. We ran into one a few years ago in Brighton. Some mix up with portals. Anyway, Giles did the research for me and we found out the only way to kill them was to behead them.” Buffy drew back into herself as she remembered that Giles wouldn’t be doing any research for her again and there was no more we, only she.

“So someone intentionally brought this demon here?” Wes asked.

Buffy nodded, quiet again. “They-they don’t just stop by here, according to…according to Giles.”

Wes nodded. “Thank you. I’ll have a talk with our client.”

Buffy nodded. She looked over at Angel. “I’d like to go now.”

Angel nodded and stood up. “Thank you for having us over.”

Buffy nodded. “Sorry…I just…I need to.” She shook her head.

“We understand,” Wes stood and walked them to the door.

Buffy waited until they were in Angel’s car on the way back to say anything. “You must be so embarrassed of me.”

“No, not at all.”

“But your friends…” Buffy trailed off.

“Understand. I’m not embarrassed by you at all, Buffy. I’m proud of you. It took a lot of courage to go there tonight and you might have helped Wes with a big case. Thank you,” Angel said as he pulled the car into the underground garage.

Buffy shook her head. “It-I mean it wasn’t that much. Just something I knew from past experience.”

“Thank you anyway.”

They rode the elevator up in silence.

“I’m gonna go change,” Buffy whispered and slipped into the bathroom.

Angel sighed deeply once she’d disappeared. He knew he was making progress with her, but there were times he doubted he’d ever come close to finding the girl he’d once known. Angel waited for a half hour and Buffy never emerged from the bathroom. He tapped on the door.

“Go away.”

Of course he didn’t, he opened the door to find Buffy sitting with her knees drawn up to her chest, fully clothed in the bathtub. There was no water in it. He climbed into the huge tub and sat opposite her. He took her hands in his and kissed the knuckles.

“What’s going on?”

She shook her head, eyes brimming with tears. “Do you know in lots of natural disasters the bathtub is the safest place to be?” She paused. Angel waited her out, knowing that she was going somewhere with this. “Giles had this huge, old, cast-iron, claw-foot tub in the Council building. It was original or something. I used to love to take bubble baths in it because I could sink into the water all the way up to my chin. When the building exploded, the bathtub was the only thing left in tact. I couldn’t help think that if any of them had been inside it…maybe.”

Angel reached out and slid a thumb over Buffy’s face. “It’s not you’re fault. There was nothing you could have done to stop it.”

She nodded, tears trembling on the edges of her lashes. Angel had yet to see her cry over this. She always choked everything back. “I know. I know and I’ve been thinking about that, about how…I’m afraid they’d be so disappointed in me. The way I’ve handled everything.”

Angel shook his head. “No. You’re dealing the only way you know how.”

“No, Angel, I’m not dealing. I’m taking all these drugs just to stay numb because I don’t want to feel.” She looked up at him and the tears toppled over, making a ribbon of wetness down her cheek. “It hurts so much.”

Angel wiped the tears away with the pad of his thumb. “I know. I know, but that’s life. It hurts sometimes. It hurts…a lot. Numb isn’t good though, because even though it doesn’t seem like it right now there are good things about life. There will be smiles and there will be laughter and if you’re numb, you can’t feel any of that.”

“I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can have a life without them in it.”

Angel pulled her closer, tucking her into his body. “You can and I’ll be here to help you.”