Title: Save Me

 

 

A/N Written for Rachel for her Darkphases challenge. Requests/requirements at the end.

 

Two    Three    Four    Five

 

 

Chapter One

 

Buffy took a deep breath, her first deep breath in she couldn’t remember how long. The fact that her deep breath came as soon as she knew Riley’s helicopter was far enough away that it wasn’t turning around, was entirely coincidental. At least that’s what she told herself. She couldn’t be relieved that Riley was gone, if she was what did that make her?

 

            The realization that another man in Buffy’s life had left hit her half way to her house. It took her knees from her and left her sobbing and vulnerable in a neighbor’s yard.  She doubled over, forehead resting on the grass, and let silent, heart rending sobs out. She threw up in the flowerbed and shoved herself to her feet. She swiped at her eyes and mouth with the sleeve of her sweater.

 

            She stumbled into the house, shock thrumming through her body.  The walls seemed to close in on her. Her breath was coming in short, fast, gasps. She sat down on the bar stool and put her head between her knees, trying to stop herself from hyperventilating.  She forced herself to take deep breaths, to slow her heart rate and make it resemble something normal.

 

            “Daddy left, Angel left, Parker left, Riley left, everybody-everybody leaves me,” she whispered brokenly to the empty kitchen.

 

She shook her head and sniffed. She could not do this right now. There wasn’t time, this wasn’t the place. She wiped her eyes with a dish towel and scribbled a note to her mom.

 

            There was one person who knew Buffy better then anyone. He was the only who could tell her why everybody always left her. He’d had a lot of experience in doing just that.

 

*

 

 

            “I told you, you were all fired,” he growled, never looking up from the punching bag he was working on.

 

            “That’s funny, ‘cause I don’t work for you,” Buffy said.  It ached a little that he hadn’t know it was her, at one time they would have felt each other blocks away. Had they grown that far apart in such a short time?

 

            He whirled on his heel, confusion etching his features for just a moment before his mask dropped into place like a steel door slamming shut.  It was an angry mask. The silence hung between them like an ice covered pond, brittle, cold and apt to shatter at any moment, drowning them both.

 

            “You fired Cordelia and Doyle?” Buffy asked.

 

            “Doyle died more then a year ago,” Angel said, turning back to his punching bag.

 

            “I’m sorry,” Buffy said. She didn’t know how reconcile the cold, hardness of Angel’s voice. His voice had always been warm, fur-lined, something she could wrap herself up in and feel safe and warm.

 

            “What are you doing here?” Angel asked.

 

            “It’s nice to see you too. Wow I’m just feeling the love all over the place here,” Buffy said.

 

            “Buffy, whatever you want just tell me. I don’t have time for this,” Angel snapped.

 

            Buffy swallowed hard. The pain coiled in the pit of her stomach and then exploded to every fiber in her being. She bit her bottom lip to keep it from trembling and blinked back the tears that came unbidden to her eyes.

 

            “You don’t have time for me?” Buffy asked. It sounded broken and piteous even to her.

 

            Buffy shook her and took a deep breath, chasing the tears away. She held her hand up, palm out. “Never mind. Angel, what happened? This isn’t you,” she paused and horror overtook her features. Tears glossed her eyes once more and her entire body trembled with fear. “Angelus?”

 

            He chuckled. “No, I’m all soul, Buff.”

 

            He grabbed a fistful of throwing knives and began tossing them at a target behind Buffy. They whistled past her head. She stepped aside, giving him more throwing room. She wrapped her arms around her body, folding in on herself.

 

            “No, this isn’t you,” she said shaking her head.

 

            “You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you, Buff?  It makes it easier, doesn’t it? It lets you remember moonlight kisses in cemeteries, always and forever. Guess what, Buffy; those were just dreams that evaporate like fog in the morning sun. They were never gonna happen. They can’t last, they don’t last. They were just pretty words to tell a girl,” Angel said.

 

            Buffy shook her head and struggled against tears. She would not break down, not in front of him. He’d been the cause of her pain, her tears too many times. “No, you felt it too. I know you felt it. You loved me, you loved me.” Buffy said.

 

            “This isn’t about you, Buff. Not everything is about you,” he growled.

 

            A tremble went through her body. She shuddered and then turned and ran out of the hotel.

 

*

 

            She pounded on the apartment door.  Somewhere between fleeing Angel’s hotel and arriving here, Buffy had gone from catatonic to complete and utter breakdown. She sobbed, half hunched over and pounded on the door.

 

            “If this isn’t end of the world stuff, I’m going-Buffy,” Cordelia said answering the door.

 

            “He’s- I can’t do it again. I can’t-I can’t kill him-Oh God-he’s- I can’t,” Buffy rambled incoherently.

 

            Cordelia arched an eyebrow and looked down from her greater height at Buffy. “Okay, so to what do I owe the pleasure of Hystera-Buffy?” She asked.

 

            “I-He-Cordelia-he’s…”Buffy sobbed and trailed off. She couldn’t say the words, saying them might make it real.

 

            “Oh for Gucci’s sake, come in. I can’t have you sobbing like a mad woman at my door,” Cordelia said. She grabbed Buffy’s wrist and pulled her inside the large Spanish style apartment. The door eased shut behind them as Cordelia dragged Buffy into the kitchen.

 

            “Dennis, make us some tea please. Buffy, are you going to tell me why you showed up on my doorstep at this ungodly hour hysterical?” Cordelia asked.

 

            Buffy watched with an open mouthed gape as the tea kettle floated over to the sink, filled itself with water and then floated back to the stove top.

 

            “That’s Dennis. He’s a ghost that came with the department. Dennis, this is Buffy. She’s a-from Sunnydale,” Cordelia explained.

 

            Cordelia placed a box of tissue on the table in front of Buffy. She waited in silence while Dennis made tea and Buffy gathered her wits about her. Buffy blew her nose and wiped at her eyes.

 

            Once Dennis had gotten them cups of tea, crème and sugar, Buffy had calmed down considerably. She added lots of crème and sugar to her tea. She wrapped her hands around the large cup and breathed in the warm sweetness.

 

            “Okay, so you going to tell me what caused this little fit of yours? I’ve had a long day. I got fired and I’d really like to go back to bed,” Cordelia said.

 

            “Angel-” Buffy stopped.

 

            “Is being a jerk? An ass? A royal screw up?” Cordelia offered.

 

            Buffy’s eyes caught Cordelia’s and the brunette actually shivered from the haunted, pained look there.

 

            “Angelus,” Buffy said simply. That one word spoke volumes to both women. They remembered Angelus’ escapades in Sunnydale quite well.

 

            “No, he’s not Angelus. I mean yeah he’s being mean and stupid and evil but not it’s not because he’s Angelus. He’s just being extra grouchy, broody pants,” Cordelia said.

 

            “You didn’t hear him-the things he said-I can’t take this anymore. I can’t do this. I can’t have everyone leave me. What’s wrong with me? Why does everybody leave me?” Buffy asked, tears rushing to her eyes and falling down her cheeks.

 

            “You mean besides an incredibly bad fashion sense, the bags under your eyes and the whole freak issue?” Cordelia asked.

 

            Buffy couldn’t help the smirk and almost chuckle that Cordelia’s words brought. Some things never changed. The men in Buffy’s life always left and Cordelia would always be Queen C.

 

            “What are you doing here, Buffy?” Cordelia asked. It was wrong that her voice sounded so much warmer, kinder than Angel’s did asking the same question.

 

            Buffy bit her lip. “Angel has never been so mean. He’s never said such hurtful things, even in the sewer when he broke up with me-he-he didn’t want to hurt me, this time-this time it was like he wanted me to hurt. At least when he was Angelus he was trying to kill me and all my friends. I know how to deal with that. I can handle that but I can’t handle words that bruise and a tone of voice that cuts deeper then any knife,” she said.

 

            “And that’s what makes you a freak. I’d much rather have him fire me then try to kill me. You still didn’t answer my question,” Cordelia said.

 

            Buffy wrapped her hands around her tea mug and looked down into the cooling liquid. “Riley left me,” she said.

 

            “Riley? I don’t recognize the name,” Cordelia said.

 

            “He was sweet and normal and he loved me. I tried so hard to love him. I wanted to love him so much. I wanted to be just this normal girl with her normal boyfriend and I couldn’t-I couldn’t love him no matter how I tried. I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s wrong me. What’s wrong with me?” Buffy pleaded.

 

            Cordelia sighed and took a sip of her tea. “Angel took your heart when he left Sunnydale, not your physical heart because eww, but you know the metaphysical one. The place you keep all your love stored up. Angel took it, can’t love without a heart.”

 

            Buffy looked up, surprised to hear Cordelia say something like that.

 

            “Oh come on, I work so many more hours then I get paid for with a vampire that left his heart in Sunnydale, like I’m gonna miss the observation that he’s got your heart too,” Cordelia said.

 

            “Riley’s over the ocean, maybe in the jungle by now-” Buffy started.

 

            “Wow, you just drove Angel to the next city over. I’m impressed,” Cordelia said.

 

            “The reason I came here is because I can’t ask Riley why he was so willing to leave me, why he didn’t stay and try to work it out with me. I can’t ask him, so I came to ask Angel what exactly it is about me that makes me so leave-able,” Buffy said.

 

            “So you got here and Angel was being a big jerk,” Cordelia said.

 

            “What happened to him?” Buffy asked.

 

            “Long story short: Darla,” Cordelia answered.

 

            “Darla? He staked her years ago in Sunnydale,” Buffy said shaking her head.

 

            “Yeah well, Wolfram and Hart, evil law firm, brought her back. They thought maybe Darla and Angel would get all groin-y and he’d get his happy on, turn into Angelus and help their apocalypse project along. I could have told them it wouldn’t work. If they’d wanted a fool proof plan they could have gone down the road to Sunnydale and found you, Little Miss One-Perfect-Happiness-Moment, but no one asks me these things,” Cordelia said.

 

            “God, this was such a mistake coming here. If I’d just stayed in Sunnydale the only thing I’d have to deal with would be Riley leaving me and maybe a vamp or two. I’m gonna call Willow and see if she’ll come pick me up,” Buffy said.

 

            Cordelia shrugged. “Okay, phone’s over there.”

 

            Buffy nodded and smiled weakly at Cordelia. Dennis floated the cordless phone over toward Buffy. She got the distinct feeling Dennis didn’t like her.

 

            “Dennis, don’t be rude,” Cordelia said. “He doesn’t like a lot of people around the apartment, especially at this hour.”

 

            Buffy nodded slightly and went into the living room to call Willow. She returned a few moments later. She handed the cordless to Cordelia. “She’s going to be here in a little while. I asked her to pick me up at the hotel since-well I should probably go talk-” she stopped.

 

            Cordelia sighed dramatically. “Alright, give me a few minutes and I’ll gather Gunn and Wes. We’ll do the whole intervention; get Angel off his immortal ass thing. And you know, it might be a good thing if you cleaned up, you’re looking a little puffy.”

 

 

*

 

            “I don’t think this is gonna work. Dude was pretty serious when he fired us,” Gunn said.

 

            “We have to at least make the attempt,” Wes said.

 

            The hotel lobby was empty when they walked inside.

 

            “Gunn, you check the basement. I’ll check his room,” Wes said.

 

            Buffy and Cordelia were left in the lobby. Buffy was happy not to be left alone. She wasn’t really up to alone time with Angel, even if it was just a short dose of it.Wes and Gunn returned to the lobby after a little while.

 

            “He ain’t here,” Gunn said.

 

            “Yes, he must have gone out somewhere. Just as well, we should have some coffee, attempt to plan what we’re going to say to Angel when he gets here,” Wes said.

 

*

 

            Buffy turned to Cordelia. They were playing the why do you work for Angel game. Wes and Gunn had already had their turn.

 

            “So how about you, Cordelia? Why do you stay here?” Buffy asked.

 

            “I don’t know. At first it just started as a job. I could work, make a little money, emphasis on the little, and go to auditions all at the same time.  Then Doyle gave me the visions and that was weird. It kind of tied me to Angel then but the first time I remember really wanting to help Angel was after Vocah. I remember all that pain and I wanted to stop it. I didn’t want anyone else to feel that pain, not if I could do something about it. Then there was the deal with the Shanshu, I wanted to help Angel get that,” Cordelia said.

 

            “Shanshu?” Buffy asked.

 

            The room fell silent. Buffy looked at Wes and Cordelia. “Okay guys, spill.”

 

            “I’ll let Wes tell it. That’s more of his deal,” Cordelia back peddled.

 

            “Well it’s rather complicated,” Wes said.

 

            “I’m not five, Wes. I can actually understand most words under six syllables,” Buffy said.

 

            Wes nodded. “Well then, Angel came across this prophecy.  I translated it. It took quite a while but when I’d finished the prophecy said ‘The vampire with a soul will live to die’,” Wes said.

 

            “Geez, what is it with prophecies and vague much?” Buffy said.

 

            “He gets to be human,” Cordelia said.

 

            Buffy swallowed hard and grew pale.  “H-human?” She squeaked.

 

            Wes nodded. Buffy trembled and balled her hands into fists, digging her nails into her palms.

 

            “Hey, you gonna be okay?” Gunn asked.

 

            Buffy nodded. She felt sick again. She pinched her arm, twisting the skin hard enough to bruise. “Nope, not dreaming. Okay, I’m gonna need a few minutes to wrap my brain around this,” Buffy said.

 

            Buffy had a flash of memory of kissing Angel in the sunlight, only she knew it was a dream, a dream she’s had a dozen times since her seventeenth birthday. Kissing Angel in the sunlight would be only one of the things she could if Angel were human. They could make love, get married, have children, and grow old together.

 

            “W-when?” Buffy asked, finally finding her voice.

 

            “We don’t know. That’s why Angel never told you. It could be tomorrow or it could be a hundred years from now,” Wes said.

 

            Buffy nodded slightly. “After I’m dead,” she croaked.

 

            Wes nodded. Regret and sorrow for the couple was ingrained in the movement.

 

            “Okay, so tha-okay…I’m okay,” Buffy said.

 

            “Who you trying convince?” Cordelia asked. She watched the tiny blonde that hadn’t really been a friend in Sunnydale. It was still hard to see her go through so much pain.

 

            Buffy nodded and smiled weakly at Cordelia. “I’ll be okay,” she said.

 

            They were all so absorbed in the conversation; they didn’t hear Willow until she was all the way inside the hotel.

 

            “Hey, what’s going on here?” Willow asked, looking at each of them.

 

            “Will,” Buffy said. She got up and hugged her best friend tightly.  Willow hugged her back, worried at the tremor that hummed continuously throughout Buffy’s body. She pulled back from Buffy.

 

            “What happened?” Willow asked.

 

            Buffy downed her head, scrutinizing the floor. “Riley left me,” she started.

 

            “Oh Buf-“ Willow started.

 

            Buffy held her hand up, stopping Willow’s words. “Wait, let me finish or I won’t be able to get it out. I came here to talk to Angel to find out exactly why I’m so leave-able. Once I got here, he was so mean, Will.”

 

            “Is he-is he evil?” Willow asked, her eyes going wide.

 

            “No, he’s just…I don’t know,” Buffy said.

 

            “I’m sorry,” Willow said.

 

            She greeted Cordelia and Wes. They introduced her to Gunn.

 

            “Why don’t you both stay here tonight? Willow, you look exhausted. I know Buffy has had some shocks tonight. There’s no sense in you driving back without some rest,” Wes suggested.

 

            “You don’t have any right to invite people into my home,” Angel said. No one had noticed his entrance in the middle of all the introductions. He glared at the group gathered in the hotel. His leather duster floated around him like a dark, animated shadow. The glower on his face matched it.

 

            “Angel,” Wes said, turning toward the vampire.

 

            “I fired you, Gunn and Cordelia earlier today, so exactly what are you doing here?” Angel said.

 

            “They brought me here. Willow came to pick me up, take me home,” Buffy said stepping forward.

 

            “Then she should take you home,” Angel said. His gaze fell on Buffy and for a single moment it was soft and full of things like love and pain, then it grew hard as if Buffy herself made the expression hard.

 

            “Look Angel, I don’t know what sort of hell Darla is putting you through but it’s not my fault. I am not Darla and I am not doing this to you,” Buffy said.

 

            “No, if it were you putting me through Hell it’d involve a sword sticking in my gut and a couple of centuries of torture. Trust me, Darla’s hell is kinder,” Angel snarled.

 

            Buffy stared at him, stricken. The group watched as she folded in on herself. It was like watching the Titanic go down. She burst out of the lobby and ran as far and fast as she possibly could.

 

Chapter Two

She ran until her lungs burned and her legs were numb. Even then she didn’t stop. Buffy pushed herself until she literally couldn’t run anymore. She doubled over in the alley, taking deep, harsh breaths. The smell of garbage, rot, Angel’s words and her own exhaustion overwhelmed her and she vomited for the second time that day.

 

            She stood up, swiping at her mouth with her sleeve. She walked away from the dumpster and leaned against an abandoned building.  She rested her head against the cool brick of the building and drew deep breaths.  She closed her eyes, trying to compartmentalize the emotions that raged through her. She tried to stuff Angel’s words into a box and lock it. They wouldn’t fit though, no matter how hard she tried.

 

            “I would have been so much better off if I’d stayed in Sunnydale, then I would have just had to cry over Riley but oh no, that’s not enough for me. I gotta pile on the pain,” Buffy said to the night.

 

            There was a clatter from somewhere near the warehouse. Buffy pressed herself flat against the building wall. She peered out of the corner of her eye as a hoard of demons piled out from behind the building. She placed her hand at the small of her back where she always kept a stake. She bit off a curse when it wasn’t there. She’d been in such a hurry to get away from Angel’s hateful words that she hadn’t grabbed it off the desk where she’d left it. She didn’t dare breath. She was good but she wasn’t that good. There were a dozen demons and she didn’t have a weapon.

 

            One of the demons took a deep sniff of the air. He paused and turned toward her. He said something in a guttural language to the Miqot demon with him. Buffy pressed herself closer to the wall, body tense and ready for attack. She launched herself off the wall and into a double roundhouse kick just as the demons came into view. It forced them to stumble back but it also brought her the rest of the hoard’s attention.

 

            Buffy took in the sheer number of demons looking toward her. She turned and ran. It was the only thing she could do weaponless against such a large gathering. It seemed to be the only thing she could do this trip period.

 

 

            She skidded to a halt in the middle of an alley. The end was blocked by a hoard of demons. She glanced behind her to find another wall of demons. Dying hadn’t really been her idea of fun when she’d come to LA. Buffy faltered slightly when Darla stepped out from the crowd. She was trailed by Drusilla.

 

            “Well, well, well, look at the rabbit we’ve cornered,” Darla purred.

 

            Drusilla danced in front of her. “She’s been to see Daddy. I can smell him all over her,” she sing songed.

 

            Darla pushed Drusilla out of the way and sauntered closer to Buffy.

 

            “You know, just kill me now. I can deal with my boyfriend leaving, I can deal with Angel’s psychosis. I can’t deal with Drusilla’s insanity,” Buffy said.

 

            Darla grinned like the cat slurping up milk. “All in good time,” she purred.

 

            Buffy glanced around the alley, looking for anything she can use as a weapon.

 

            “Boys, you’re first audition is right there,” Darla said gesturing toward Buffy. “Those of you who survive, I’ll see you at this address tomorrow night.” She dropped a slip of paper, turned and left. Drusilla followed her talking about the stars.

 

            Buffy dived toward the dumpster, coming up with a length of pipe.  She rolled to her feet and twirled the pipe in her hands like a quarterstaff. Five demons went down before Buffy begin feeling the effects. The first major wound was a talon slicing across her back.  She arched and hissed with pain. She concentrated on the way the blood dripped down her spine and pooled in the waistband of her pants. If she concentrated on that, she couldn’t think about how much it hurt.

 

            The second wound was a blow to her jawbone from a fist incased in a mail-glove.  She could feel the blood bead along her jaw. She flew backwards into a pile of wooden pallets. She felt splinters dig into the cut on her back along with dirt, gravel and glass. Her head bounced against a brick wall.

 

            She kicked up, catching a spiny demon under the chin with the toe of her boot. She dropped into a crouch, scrabbling for a weapon. She came up with a long shaft of soft pallet wood. It wasn’t her choice of weapon but it was better then nothing and nothing was exactly what she had.

 

            The spiny demon advanced toward her. Buffy slammed an uppercut to the demon’s chin. His neck snapped back but it didn’t break. She hit him with a hard kidney punch and another and another. He fell back a little and Buffy positioned herself so that he shielded her from a multiple attack.  She kicked the inside of his knee, hyper extending it. He fell screaming. She jumped over his body, landing in a defensive stance.

 

            A vampire stepped up for his turn. “Heard you were tough, girly girl. You haven’t disappointed so far, gonna be a shame to take you down,” he said.

 

            Buffy shook her head. “I’ve kicked how much demon ass tonight and you call me girly girl?”

 

            He grabbed for her, she ducked. The quick movement made her head swim but she kept it together. She jabbed the soft wood stake into the vampire’s kidney. It wouldn’t kill him, but it put him a lot of pain. He screamed, confirming it.  A back leg sweep took him to the ground. She stumbled with the leg sweep and caught herself with both hands. She rolled and shoved the stake through the vampire’s heart before he could move.

 

            Buffy lay on the ground a second, drawing a deep breath. She didn’t see the spiny demon she’d put down earlier roll toward her. It shot four pointed bone spines from its knuckles.  It sunk the spines into her lower back just centimeters from her spine. She arched away from the demon and hissed. She rolled, pulling herself off the demon’s natural weapon. She got to her knees with a wince of pain. She grabbed the injured demon under the chin and snapped his neck. She pushed herself up shakily to her feet.

 

            A fyral demon backhanded her across the cheekbone. It made her stumble back but she didn’t fall. She shook it off and responded with a right hook that made the fyral stagger backwards. She landed a kick to his midsection that sent him flying against the building. The brick cracked when he hit. Buffy was pretty sure he was down for the count.

 

            Buffy spun on her heel to find two demons behind her. A flying roundhouse kick took out one but the other ducked underneath it. It grabbed her ankle and twisted. She landed hard, all the air rushing out of her lungs in a whoosh. She was just beginning to get her breath back when a cloven hoof caught her in the ribcage, driving the little air she’d been able to draw out. The cloven hoofed demon picked her up, its fingers digging in hard enough to leave bruises.

 

            He threw her hard enough against the wall to rain bits and pieces of mortar around her body as she fell to the ground. Her head thwacked the ground and her vision swam and grew darker. She struggled against passing out, knowing if she did she’d be dead. Buffy shoved herself to her feet; barely dodging a kick that would have broken a mere human’s neck and probably knocked her unconscious. She fell to her side, executing a leg sweep, trying to throw the cloven hoofed demon off, anything that would buy her a little more time. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do with more time, hopefully live. The demon jumped over her leg sweep, more agile then she estimated.

 

            She rolled, getting some distance from cloven hoofed. She was caught up under the arms by a ghoul. It grinned, yellow salvia dripping from its fangs and sunk its teeth into her shoulder. Buffy screamed as fire coursed through her veins. She kicked and screamed. She landed a sharp elbow into the ghoul’s rib cage. It dropped her. Buffy landed hard and pulled herself along the pavement with her left arm. Her right shoulder and her arm all the way to the elbow were on fire. She could feel the pavement scraping the skin from her forearm. She kept crawling because if she didn’t, she was dead. Buffy was prepared for a lot things, dying wasn’t one of them.

 

            She took another kick in the ribs from the cloven hoofed demon. This one sent her flying against the building wall. She slumped there, gasping for breath unable to move.  Her hand, by chance, came in contact with the piece of pipe she’d picked up earlier. She picked it up and threw it with deadly accuracy. It pierced Cloven Demon’s throat and he hit the ground with a thud. That left the ghoul all by himself. Buffy shoved herself to her feet with a strength she didn’t feel. She tried to stand without swaying, it just wasn’t impressive.

 

“Your turn,” she said giving the ghoul what Xander called her ‘slayer eyes’.

 

The ghoul glanced at the demon bodies strewn across the alley. He turned tail and ran. There was much easier flesh to be found in Los Angeles.

 

 Buffy let out a breath. She drew another and it hurt. She’d definitely broken a rib or six. Her knees buckled, she didn’t feel it when she hit the ground. The world went wavy, the way heat rises from the pavement and then the world went dark.

 

 

 

*

 

 

            Willow and Gunn pushed open the doors of the Hyperion. Gunn flopped down on the couch.

 

            “Well?” Cordelia asked.

 

            “Does this look like joy face to you?” Willow answered.

 

            “So that’d be a no. Maybe she just went home,” Cordelia said.

 

            “No, the reason Buffy called me to come get her was because there aren’t any more buses, not until nine AM. Gunn and I checked the bus station in case she went there,” Willow said. She looked around the lobby. Cordelia, Wes and Gunn were there.

 

            “Where’s Angel?” Willow asked.

 

            “Do we care?” Cordelia said.

 

            “Its- its just that the sun coming up,” Willow said.

 

            As if on cue, Angel burst through the doors of the hotel. He had his duster pulled over his head and still he smoked. He lowered his duster and glanced around the room.

 

            “You didn’t find her?” Angel asked.

 

            Willow shook her head.

 

            “What do you care? You’re the one who made her leave, saying all those nasty things,” Cordelia said.

 

            Angel glared at her, his gaze gone as cold as the stone in the courtyard. “I care,” he said.

 

            “Okay, so I’ll just do a locator spell, or something. I’ve gotten pretty good with the magic mojo here lately,” Willow said.

 

            “Okay, locator spells, those are good right?” Cordelia asked, looking to Wesley.

 

            “They’re generally pretty basic spells. It’s worth an attempt at least,” Wes said.

 

            “Let me know if you find anything,” Angel said and went downstairs to his cave.

 

           

*

 

            Willow sighed and buried her head in her hands. She glanced up between her fingers. Her locator spell had only succeeded in causing a lot of red smoke, no locating what so ever.

 

            “I don’t understand it. Why didn’t it work?” Willow whined.

 

            “Perhaps you’re using the wrong sort of locator,” he suggested.

 

            Willow arched an eyebrow. “What do you mean?” She asked. Most of her magic had been self taught. A lot of it seemed to spring from inside herself, her emotions, they weren’t necessarily spells she learned. They were spells she felt.

 

            “For example, there are locator spells that focus on the particular heart beat of the person you are trying to locate. A spell like that would be useless finding a vampire. There are locator spells that focus on the particular DNA structure of a person. Perhaps it wouldn’t work if a person were bleeding and scattered a lot of his or her DNA about in various locations. There are locator spells that focus on the soul-“ Wes said.

 

            “We get it, English. Why isn’t Red’s locator spell working for Buffy?” Gunn asked.

 

            Wes took a deep breath. “I honestly do not know,” he said.

 

            “Okay so then what do we do? We can’t just sit here. Buffy could get hurt out there,” Willow said.

 

            “She’s the slayer, Willow. I rather think she can take care of herself,” Wes said.

 

            “No, Wes, right now she’s just Buffy and Angel might as well have split her open and gutted her when he said those things. She’s vulnerable,” Willow said.

 

            “Maybe she went to see her dad? I mean he does live here, doesn’t he?” Cordelia said.

 

            “Yeah, but I don’t really think she’d go to see him, since her eighteenth birthday she hasn’t had a lot of contact with him. I don’t really think she even had a whole lot of contact with for a while before that,” Willow said.

 

            “So we’re back to square one. I hate square one,” Gunn said.

 

            Willow rubbed her forehead. She was exhausted. Buffy had called her eight hours ago. She had just crawled into bed when she got the phone call. She’d been up for twenty four hours straight.

 

            “We’re all exhausted. Why don’t we get a few hours rest and reconvene afterwards? We won’t be able to help Buffy if we’re too tired to think straight,” Wes said.

 

            “It’s a good idea. So the question is do we dare disturb Mr. Broody pants’ sanctuary and crash here?”

 

            “There’s really not much sense in returning to our own apartments when we will be returning here in a few hours. Besides, Angel seems thoroughly immersed in the basement. It’s likely he won’t even realize we’re here,” Wes said.

 

            “Cool. So we’re grabbing a room,” Gunn said and loped up the stairs. Cordelia, Wes and Willow followed suite.

 

 

*

 

 

            Angel tossed throwing knives at the target with deadly accuracy.  He shouldn’t have said those things to Buffy. She didn’t understand, none of them did, he needed to put some distance between himself and his friends. They’d only get hurt playing this game.

 

            Angel grabbed blood out of the fridge and drank it cold. It was nasty that way but it was the mood he was in. He knew they were all staying here, Willow, Cordelia, Gunn and Wes. He could smell them. He lied down on the narrow cot he’d put in the basement and placed his hands behind his head. He closed his eyes. He needed some sleep. He’d caught enough of Darla’s recruiting speech at the demon rally to know he was going to busy tomorrow night.

 

*

 

            “I say we patrol an area around the hotel, spreading out further and further until we find her,” Gunn said.

 

            “That could take hours,” Wes said.

 

            “Do you have a better idea? ‘Cause if you do, I’m willing to listen,” Gunn said.

 

            Wes shrugged. “We could go see Lorne,” he said.

 

            “And that would involve singing,” Cordelia winced.

 

            “More then likely, yes,” Wes said.

 

            “Uhm…how is singing going to help us find Buffy? I mean, I don’t wanna be Shootin’ down the ideas girl, but she’s been gone for like six hours. She should have called us or something by now. I’m getting worried,” Willow said.

 

            “Lorne reads auras, futures, when people sing. Sometimes he can help out in situations like this,” Wes said.

 

            “So he could ‘see’ what’s happening to Buffy if one of us sang?” Willow said.

 

            “Perhaps,” Wes said.

 

            Cordelia sighed. “Okay, so singing it is.”

 

 

            Lorne was quite possibly the brightest demon Willow had ever seen, the most hospitable too, of course as demons went that wasn’t hard to do. 

 

            “So who’s going first? What about you, Sweetcakes?” Lorne asked Willow.

 

            “Oh, no I don’t-I don’t sing very-at all and in front people.” Willow stammered.

 

            “You’re the closest to Buffy. You should sing,” Cordelia said.

 

            Willow winced and looked uncomfortably at Cordelia and Lorne. “Do I have too?” She squeaked.

 

            She ended up singing the theme to Friends. She hadn’t been able to think of anything else.  She got off the stage trembling and paler then normal.

 

            “So?” Willow asked.

 

            “Sorry Cherry Pie, I got nothing. I mean I see that you’re worried about her but there’s nothing about where little blonde and slayer is. I did see Studly, Dark and Broody. Has anyone talked to him about finding her?” Lorne asked.

 

            “No, he’s in an I want to be alone, I’ll bite your head off you speak to me mood,” Cordelia said.

 

            “Yeah, I kind of got that. Sorry it didn’t pan out,” Lorne said.

 

            “What now?” Willow asked.

 

           

*

 

 

            Angel strapped on the wrist launchers he’d had made when he’d first come to LA. He shrugged on his black leather duster and grabbed an axe from the weapons cabinet. Cordelia and the others had gone a few hours ago. He took alleys and side streets to get to the abandoned building Darla was holding her auditions in. He paused in the alley, the smell shivered his skin. He sniffed the air again. That couldn’t be right.  The smell rolled him over and under, like the ocean. He could drown in that scent and at the same time it scared him. The air smelled like Buffy’s blood.

 

            He found her under the remains of some pallets. She was unconscious and covered in blood, her shirt so crusted with it he didn’t know what color it had been. He found a pulse in her neck but it was bare and thread-y. He dug his cell phone out of his pocket and called Cordelia. She’d programmed her cell phone number as speed dial 1.

 

            “Cordelia, I’ve found Buffy. She needs a hospital and now but I can’t take her,” he said.

 

            He gave her the address and hung up the phone. He cradled Buffy to his chest and folded up around her. He buried his nose in the crook of her neck and took deep breaths of her.  The smell made his stomach roil and he was perilously close to finding out if vampires could throw up. Buffy smelled like death. She smelled like blood and dirt and rot. He fought past the bile that rose up in his throat and tried to get it back together. He had a fight ahead of him and he couldn’t go into it like this.

 

            Wes’ SUV screeched to a stop in the alley. Angel stood up with Buffy wrapped in his arms. Wes popped the back of the SUV and Angel placed her gently inside.

 

            “Get her to a hospital as fast you can. She-go,” Angel demanded.

 

            He watched as the SUV pulled away and he prayed for the first time in two hundred and fifty years.

 

Chapter Three

Angel stood against a car and smoked a cigarette. He leaned on the bloodied sledgehammer he’d grabbed near the door and used as a weapon during the fight.  Darla and Drusilla walked into the building now littered with dead demon bodies.

 

            “Why so far away, Lover? Don’t you want to stake me? Or haven’t you found out about your cheerleader yet?” Darla said.

 

            Angel blew smoke in the air, outwardly calm. Inside he was all seething rage and fury; it was a struggle to keep his human face. He’d kill the bitch. He’d kill her for what she’d done to Buffy.

 

            “Angelus?” Darla asked when Angel remained silent.

 

            Angel tossed his cigarette butt to the ground. It ignited a trail of gasoline. The fire ate up the trail and roared to life as it reached the puddle of gas Darla and Drusilla were standing in. He stood there, ankles crossed and watched as his Sire and his Child burned to ash. Only when he’d made sure they were dead did he walk out of the warehouse.

 

*

 

            The sky bled red all over the ocean. It turned the water to molten lava.  He stood at the end of a bluff, staring into the sunset. It poured blood all over his silhouette. He turned when she approached. He had felt like he always did. She wrapped her arms around him from behind.

 

            “Beautiful isn’t it?” She said.

 

            “You’re beautiful,” he responded.

 

            “It’s you,” she said.

 

            “Always was.”

 

            He turned in her arms so that he could look down into her eyes. He smiled and ran a finger over her cheekbone.

 

            “I’ve missed you,” she said.

 

            Angel smiled at her. “I always miss you, every second of every day. It hurts,” he whispered.

 

            Buffy’s lip trembled in a pout. “I know,” she whispered “but we’re here now and we’re together. We can always be together here.”

 

            Buffy’s eyes snapped open. She was lying on the sandy bluff. Angel wasn’t there but it was nice all the same. The ocean breeze played with her hair and the sun warmed her skin just enough that she was completely relaxed.  She didn’t hurt here, there were no demons, no vampires and she wasn’t a slayer here. Buffy closed her eyes, a slight smile crossing her face. Here was pretty nice.

*

 

 

            “How is she?” Willow asked. She and Cordelia stood in the ICU in front of a glass window that looked into Buffy’s room. Willow was struck by how tiny and fragile Buffy looked attached to all those machines.

 

            “I don’t know. The doctor isn’t saying much. They got the internal bleeding stopped. They had to take out her spleen because it was ruptured. He wasn’t sure why it hadn’t stopped earlier. He sent some blood to the lab to have it tested. He listed her injuries and there were so many. He went on for a long time about how lucky she was to be alive,” Cordelia said.

 

            “Yay for slayer healing,” Willow said.

 

            Cordelia nodded. “He said if she makes it the next twenty four hours they’d know more.”

 

            They returned to the waiting room where Wes and Gunn were sacked out. Cordelia sat down. Willow took the chair beside Gunn and curled up. They wouldn’t be able to see Buffy for another hour. It was possible she’d get a little sleep before then.

 

 

 

            Cordelia stood up when he walked out of the elevator. She crossed her arms over her chest and prepared herself for a battle. Angel walked toward her and would have walked completely past her if Cordelia hadn’t stepped in his way.

 

            “I want to see her,” he said.

 

            “No, you did this to her. You’re the reason she’s here and you couldn’t even be bothered to come to the hospital with her. You’re not seeing her,” Cordelia said.

 

            Angel snarled. “Cordelia, I’m not in the mood. I want to see her now.”

 

            “You can go all bumpy on me if you want but she nearly died. She might still die and you caused that. If you hadn’t said those things to her she wouldn’t have run out,” Cordelia said.

 

            “Get out of my way or I’ll make you,” Angel said.

 

            “You so much as touch me, I’ll scream bloody murder and you might be able to take down everyone in here but you still won’t get in to see Buffy,” Cordelia said.

 

            Angel pinched the bridge of his nose and took deep, even breaths. “At least tell me how she is,” he said.

 

            Willow’s hand on Cordelia’s shoulder made her turn.

 

            “Cordy, maybe it’d be good if he saw her. It might help,” Willow said.

 

            “And if it makes things worse? If she gets so upset hearing his voice, remembering what he said to her that she goes into shock or something?” Cordelia asked.

 

            Willow locked eyes with Angel. She shook her head. “Buffy forgave him Angelus, she won’t hold that against him and she’d want to see him.”

 

            “If she were conscious, maybe,” Cordelia said but stepped aside.

 

            Willow and Cordelia watched as the vampire walked inside the ICU room. He went down on his knees beside her bed and bowed his head, lips touching one of Buffy’s hands. They couldn’t tell if he was crying or not.

 

            “You really think he can help her?” Cordelia asked.

 

            “They never give up on each other. No matter how much pain they cause each other, no matter how much hurt, it’s never over for them. I don’t see how that kind of love can make matters worse,” Willow said.

 

 

*

 

            Angel knelt on the floor next to Buffy’s bed. He held her hand in both of his, his lips just brushing the back of her hand. He tried not to breathe because when he did he could smell blood, death and all the medication they’d pumped into Buffy’s veins.  She looked so fragile lying in the bed, even tinier then she usually did. She was hooked up to at least three machines.  There was a long gash on her temple. The entire left side of her face was bruised nearly black and swollen.  He could see a bandage on her shoulder and he wondered if the rest of her body was as bruised and cut as her face.

 

            “Buffy, you’ve got wake up. I know I said some hateful things to you so wake up and kick my ass for them,” he said, his voice cracking.

 

            A nurse paused in the doorway of Buffy’s room. She smiled faintly at sight of the dark headed man on his knees beside the girl. She checked her watch. He’d been in there for twenty minutes. ICU visits were supposed to be limited to fifteen.  The girl was comatose though, it wasn’t as if the man’s presence was going to disturb her rest. She watched as the man tenderly pushed back a lock of the blonde’s hair. He watched her for a moment and bowed his head again. He was so still that if the nurse hadn’t known better she would have thought he had stopped breathing. She shook her and walked back to the nurses’ station. He wasn’t hurting anything and she wasn’t going to make him leave.

 

            Angel stayed on his knees long past the rising sun and far into the day. He didn’t move, he didn’t talk, he merely knelt there and listened to Buffy’s heartbeat.

 

*

 

            Buffy walked into the mansion. Angel was sitting in front of the fireplace reading a book. She smiled at him and he stood. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close.

 

            “I’m glad to see you,” Angel said.

 

            Buffy smiled at him. She ran her fingertips over his face. “I love you,” she whispered.

 

            “I love you,” Angel whispered back.

 

            “I like this. I always remember this when I think of us, the mansion, your reading and a fire,” she said.

 

            “I know. I dream this sometimes,” he said.

 

            “Sometimes I wonder if I dreamed it all. Were you ever real? What we had, was it real?” She asked, her eyes searching his.

 

            He kissed the top of her head. “We are real, we’re the only real thing in my entire existence.”

 

           

            She jolted upright.  She was closer to the ocean now underneath a palm tree. It was night time but the ocean breeze was warm, safe. The dream that woke her up lingered at the back of her mind like an itch she couldn’t scratch. Angel was looking for her. She felt in her bones.  She smiled wistfully at the moon. She knew if Angel found her he’d make her leave this place. She dug her toes into sand still warm from the day and pushed the thought out of her head. She’d think about that later. Right now she just wanted to sleep.

 

 

*

 

 

            They gathered in a huddle in the waiting room. Wes was across the room talking to a doctor in hushed tones.

 

            “Can you hear what they’re saying,” Cordelia asked and elbowed Angel in the ribs.

 

            “Maybe I could if you’d quit talking, Cordelia,” Angel hissed.

 

            “Sorry, I see you’re still in your grouchy britches phase. Will you be getting out of that anytime soon? ‘Cause I’d like to mark it on my calendar and avoid you until then,” Cordelia said.

 

            “Guys, could we not do this in the hospital?” Willow asked.

 

            “Sorry,” Cordelia said, surprisingly contrite.

 

            All the talking ceased when Wes started back over toward them.  He smiled grimly and took his glasses off.

 

            “Well don’t keep us in suspense, Wes. What did the doctor say?” Willow asked.

 

            Wes sighed. “Yes, well he doesn’t know why she hasn’t woken up. Her injuries are healing, admittedly a bit slower then a slayer should. I believe it has something to do with the bite on her shoulder. Have you looked at it, Angel?” Wes said.

 

            Angel shook his head. “No but I’ll look at when I see her again. What else did the doctor say?” He asked.

 

            Wes hedged a bit. “The longer Buffy remains in a coma the less likely she is to wake up.”

 

            “No, that’s not going to happen. Buffy’s a fighter, she’ll wake up. She’s just…lost her way,” Angel said. His eyes got a far off look to them.  Somehow during the journey, he’d lost his way too.

 

            “I think we need to consider calling Buffy’s mother, Giles and her sister,” Wes said.

 

 

            Willow’s brow furrowed. “No, let’s wait just a little while longer. I’m going to go call…Tara,” she said the gears in her brain spinning.

 

            Angel disappeared back into Buffy’s room. He’d barely left her since they moved her out of ICU. Wes watched the vampire’s retreating back.  He was worried about him. The vampire’s mood hadn’t been good before Buffy had gotten hurt. Angel had only gotten broodier, quieter but broodier. He wasn’t eating much or sleeping more then a few minutes at a time.

 

            “It’s interesting, they live entirely separate lives yet he has remained more devoted to her then most spouses,” Wes said observing Buffy and Angel through the hospital room door.

 

            “Its sweet in an obsessive stalker sort of way,” Cordelia said.

 

            “Incredibly,” Wes confirmed.

 

 

*

 

 

            Willow returned a few hours later with Tara. The shy blonde girl had a heavy bag slung over her shoulder.

 

            “Tara this is Wesley and Cordelia. This is Tara, my girlfriend,” Willow introduced the blonde to everyone. Gunn had gone on patrol as soon as night fell.

 

            “You’re gay? I so told Xander you used to check me out in gym class,” Cordelia said.

 

            Willow’s eyes went wide and Tara blushed. “I was so not checking you out!  Besides, you’re not my type,” she said.

 

            Wesley neutralized the awkward moment by shaking Tara’s hand. “It’s lovely to meet you,” he said.

 

            “H-hello,” Tara said shyly. She waved slightly at the two people.

 

            “Let’s go sit with Angel in Buffy’s room. I want to talk to all of you about something,” Willow said. She took Tara’s hand and beckoned the rest of them to follow.

 

            Angel glanced up whenever everyone else filed into Buffy’s room. Wes was the last one in. He closed the door behind him. It took the group a little while to find enough space in the small room but eventually they all arranged themselves around the room. Angel couldn’t help but notice everyone avoided looking at Buffy, everyone but him.

 

            Willow glanced around the room, meeting everyone’s eyes in turn. She briefly introduced Tara and Angel but she wasn’t really sure that Angel absorbed any of it. He was too wrapped up in Buffy.

 

            She cleared her throat and decided now was as good a time as any. “Angel gave me an idea today, when he said that Buffy had gotten lost. If someone gets lost what do you do?” Willow asked.

 

            Cordelia looked from Wes to Willow and then to Tara. “Uhm…put out a missing person report?”

 

            “No, well yes, but not in this case. You go find them,” Willow said.

 

            Cordelia arched an eyebrow at Willow and gave her a patented Cordelia “Huh” look. “Okay, Willow being gay has made you mentally challenged. Buffy is right here in her hospital bed,” she said.

 

            Willow shook her head. “No, Buffy’s body is there but in her mind she’s somewhere else, somewhere she doesn’t want to come back from. I’m going to go get her,” she said.

 

            Cordelia looked confused. She glanced at Wes for an explanation.

 

            “You intend to project yourself into Buffy’s mind to see if perhaps you can talk with her there since she’s unresponsive here,” Wes said.

 

            “Exactly,” Willow said.

 

            “I want to go,” Angel said, showing the first reaction they’d seen from him in days.

 

            Willow winced. She had been afraid of this. “I don’t think it’s a good idea,” she said.

 

            “Why not? Buffy’s lost. I’ll go find her,” Angel said.

 

            “Normally, yeah but it’s-there’s a danger that you could get lost too and I don’t know if I’ve got enough power to get into your mind and bring you back,” Willow said.

 

            “I don’t care. I want to go find her,” Angel said.

 

            “Listen to me, Angel. I’ve got someone to pull me back here, to ground me. That’s why Tara is here. If I get lost in Buffy’s head she’ll pull me back,” Willow said.

 

            “Fine, if I get lost Wes or Cordelia can pull me back,” Angel said.

 

            Willow worried at her bottom lip with her teeth. “Honestly, if you find Buffy and she doesn’t want to leave or doesn’t want you to leave her, is there anyone here you’d come back, leave Buffy, for?”

 

            Angel paused. He tucked a stray strand of Buffy’s hair behind her ear, grazed a thumb gently across her cheekbone and nodded. “Alright, you get her but bring her back, Willow, for me.”

Chapter Four

Willow glanced at her Tweety Bird watch. Tweety told her it was half past midnight.

 

            “Okay Cordy, I need you to go be the lookout. If a nurse or doctor tries to get in here distract them anyway you can. Once the spell is started it absolutely can not be disturbed,” Willow said.

 

            “I’ll accompany Cordelia. I assume the quieter and emptier the room is the better,” Wes said.

 

            Willow nodded and smiled. Wes and Cordelia left the room, closing the door behind them. Willow glanced over at Angel who was sitting in a chair next to Buffy’s bed holding the slayer’s hand in his.

 

            “I’m not leaving her,” Angel said.

 

            Willow sighed. She had suspected as much but Wes had a point. She would concentrate better if the room were empty except for the necessary people, necessary being her, Buffy and Tara.

 

            “Willow, please don’t ask me to leave her. I can’t. I’ve-I’ve left her when she needed me too many times already,” Angel said.

 

            Willow couldn’t throw him out, not with the please and the plaintive tone of his voice. Besides she knew the vampire could practically disappear in the shadowed room, honestly she’d likely never know he was there.

 

            “Alright but no matter what happens you can not interrupt the spell. If it is broken while I’m inside Buffy’s mind we could both be lost,” Willow said.

 

            Angel nodded and stood up. He and Tara placed the two chairs in the room side by side next to Buffy’s bed. Willow took four plain beeswax candles out of her bag. She set them at various points around the room and lit them.  Willow smiled nervously at Tara. The shy blonde took the red head’s hand and squeezed it, giving her a confident smile.

 

            “You’ll be fine,” Tara said assuredly. It was the first time Angel had heard her speak without a stutter.

 

            Willow nodded and smiled with a little more assurance this time. The two women sat down in the chairs, hands still joined. Willow crossed her legs underneath her and threaded her other hand with Buffy’s.

 

            “Angel, hold her hand. If I get her far enough that she knows you’re here, she might come back all the way,” Willow said.

 

            “Or she could run. I-I said some horrible things to her,” Angel said. His voice was filled with bitter regret and so soft Willow barely heard him over the quiet hum of the machines.

 

            “Buffy could never run from you, Angel. You might as well ask her to stop breathing,” Willow said with a small smile toward the vampire.

 

            Angel gave her a grateful look and then knelt on the other side of Buffy’s bed, tucking her tiny hand in his much larger one.

 

            “Okay then. We’ll be back before dawn,” Willow said nervously and closed her eyes.

*

 

            When Willow opened her eyes she was on a bluff beside a beach. The full moon shone overhead. The air was soft and warm, the kind of night that curled around you like a great, big, comforting cat.  Willow looked around but didn’t see any sign of Buffy.  She walked up the bluff a bit. She spied the blonde walking along the beach, the waves lapping at her ankles. She bent over every now and then, picked something up and tossed it into the water.

 

            Willow picked her way down the bluff and walked up behind Buffy.

 

            “Hey Will,” Buffy said.

 

            “Buffy, we’ve been looking for you,” Willow said.

 

            “Yeah?” Buffy asked.

 

            Willow nodded and watched Buffy for a moment.

 

            “Isn’t it pretty here?” Buffy asked.

 

            “Very,” Willow agreed. She walked in the surf beside Buffy.

 

            “It was nice of you to come visit me, Will. Usually only Angel visits,” Buffy said.

 

            Willow arched an eyebrow at Buffy’s comment. “Angel visits you here?”

 

            A frown creased Buffy’s face. “Sometimes, but then maybe he only visits in my dreams. It gets confusing with Angel, my dreams, his dreams, my brain, his brain. Why do you think that is?” Buffy asked.

 

            Willow shrugged. “I think he’s a part of you, like your lungs or your heart.”

 

            Buffy smiled. “My soul, I think he’s my soul,” she said.

 

             Buffy bent over, picked up a starfish that had washed up on the sand and tossed it into the water.

 

            “What are you doing?” Willow asked.

 

            “You remember that story, the one about the little girl who threw the starfish into the water and the old man telling her it didn’t make a difference?” Buffy asked.

 

            Willow nodded. Everyone had heard that story at some point in their lives.

 

            “I’m making a difference,” Buffy said.

 

            Willow smiled and touched Buffy on the shoulder. “We need you home, Buffy. You make a difference there.”

 

            Buffy stopped and stared out across the water. “Do I? I don’t think so. The evil just keeps coming, Will and it keeps getting worse. Nothing ever really changes.”

 

            “It’s like the starfish, Buffy. Maybe it looks like it’s fruitless but if it hadn’t been for you the entire class of 1999 would have been eaten by a great big snake. Jonathan would have shot himself; Xander would have gotten killed, oh about a dozen times. I would have gotten killed a couple of dozen and Angel, you sorta made all the difference in his life,” Willow said.

 

            Buffy smirked. “Angel yeah made a real difference in his life. I sent him to Hell to be tortured for a couple of hundred years,” she said.

 

            “Buffy, he didn’t mean those things he said. He just-he hasn’t left your side, you know,” Willow said.

 

            Buffy worried her bottom lip between her teeth. “I don’t know, Will. It’s safe here. There aren’t any vampires to slay, no demons to hunt. Angel and I can be together here, there’s no curse and this place doesn’t care if he’s immortal and I’m not, or if he’s a vampire and I’m the Slayer.”

 

            Willow sighed. “I know, Buffy and it is nice here but we miss you,” she said.

 

            Buffy glanced up at Willow from under the fringe of her eyelashes. “Can’t you just, you know send people into visit me? I like it here,” she pouted.

 

            Willow wrinkled her nose. “It doesn’t really work like that, Buff. I wasn’t even sure I could do this,” she said.

 

            “Oh, well kudos for you then.” Buffy bent over, picked another starfish up and tossed it into the ocean. They walked along the beach in silence for a moment. Buffy’s brow was creased with deep thoughts.

 

            “Dawn needs you, Buffy,” Willow said.

 

            Buffy shook her head. “She’s got Mom and Giles looks after them both, not to mention Spike which shouldn’t be comforting but somehow it kind of is.”

 

            Willow furrowed her brow. That hadn’t worked like she had expected it too.

 

            “Buffy, if you don’t go back-Glory-she’ll…we don’t know what she’ll do just yet but it won’t be good, Buffy. You’re the only one that’s got a chance of stopping her,” Willow said.

 

            “That’s just it, Will. I’m tired. I’m tired of being the world’s last hope. I’ve adverted what five apocalypses now? It’s just-I think there’s a reason slayers die young, a reason they’re supposed to die young,” Buffy said.

 

            “No! You can’t think like that! Buffy, you’re the best we’ve got, the best of us all. You can’t…die,” the last was said in a very small voice.

 

            Buffy sighed and stared out over the water. The night seemed to go darker and when Willow looked up she noticed the full moon was now a new moon and most of the stars had disappeared. She supposed the night reflected Buffy’s mood.

 

            “That’s just it, Will. I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I died and came back. I killed Angel and God; I thought that was going to kill me.  I destroyed the school, which hey kind of fun, and watched Angel walk away from me. I drove Riley away…”Buffy trailed off.

 

            “You didn’t drive Riley away, Buffy. Riley-he couldn’t handle just everything. Riley wanted a-” Willow stopped.

 

            “A normal girl? That’s something I’ll never be, not even if I tried which I did and no normalness for Buffy.”

 

            Willow sighed. This was not working out; maybe she should have tried to send Angel instead. She looked around at the beach, the dark, velvet night and she knew she’d been right. Buffy and Angel would never want to leave this place, especially if Buffy could control the night.

 

            “It’s funny, Angel left me so I could have a normal life and Riley left me because I wasn’t normal enough,” Buffy said.

 

            Willow set her jaw stubbornly. “Buffy Anne Summers, look at me. Do you see this? It’s resolve face. You’ve got to come back with me. I love you, Xander loves you, Giles, your Mom, Dawn all love you. Angel loves you, still and he needs you so much right now, Buffy. I don’t know what’s happened to him, what’s still happening to him but he’s not going to pull out of it with you here.”

 

            Buffy looked longingly at the water and the beach. She glanced over her shoulder at Willow. “You think?” She asked.

 

            Willow nodded. “Trust me, Buffy. Best friend here, have I ever steered you wrong?” Willow said holding her hand out to Buffy.

 

            Buffy glanced at Willow’s hand. She tossed one more starfish into the ocean and sighed. “I’m gonna miss this place,” she said as she took Willow’s hand.

 

*

 

            Willow blinked and the hospital room snapped into focus. Tara was squeezing her hand so tightly that she thought it might end up bruised. The shy blonde’s face was creased with worry. It faded instantly when she saw Willow was back.

 

            “Oh, thank Goddess, we were so worried,” Tara said.

 

            “Worried?” Willow asked.

 

            Tara nodded. “You’ve been-it’s almost four thirty,” she said.

 

            “Buffy,” Angel traced Buffy’s features with his fingertips, willing her to open her eyes.

 

            “She was right with me,” Willow said glancing over at the slayer.

 

            “Buffy,” Angel said again. The room held its breath. Angel took Buffy’s hand in his and kissed her knuckles.  He turned her hand over and kissed her wrist at the pulse point.

 

            “I love you. Open your eyes,” he said.

 

            And just as he’d closed his eyes when she’d asked she opened hers. Her eyes first alighted on Angel. She smiled so slightly. “You would have loved it where I was,” she said. Her voice was hoarse and whispery from not being used.

 

            “I will love anywhere you’re at,” Angel said. His raven eyes shone with tears.

 

            Buffy turned her head and smiled sadly at Willow. Willow reached out and gave her hand a quick squeeze.

 

            “I’m sorry,” Willow said.

 

            Buffy shrugged and then winced slightly at the pain it caused. “It’s okay. You were right. I had to come back anyway. There’s a world to be saved and miles to go before I can sleep,” she said.

           

Chapter Five

 

The doctor let Buffy out of the hospital early, although let is kind of a strong term. Buffy refused to stay.  He agreed to her release if she’d make sure she had someone to take care of her until she was completely healed. By silent agreement, that someone was Angel.

 

            Cordelia was surprised how Angel watching Buffy heal actually helped Angel heal. She’d never admit it but she’d always been a little jealous of the all consuming love between Angel and Buffy. She wanted someone to look at her the way Angel looked at Buffy. She wanted to be the only one in the world to someone. She had always comforted herself with the knowledge that that kind of love did burn, it did consume until there was nothing left. The jealousy was back now because here was proof that that kind of love could also heal, that kind of love could save.

 

            It didn’t happen overnight for either of them. Angel put in overtime high quality brooding hours and Buffy seemed more lost then ever before sometimes, but one day Cordelia walked into the lobby of the hotel and they were sitting on the couch. Buffy was laughing and Angel was chuckling softly at her. He reached up and very tenderly moved aside a lock her hair, tucking it behind her ear. That one movement shouldn’t have seemed so personal. Cordelia shouldn’t have felt like a voyeur watching them, but she did. She slipped out of the hotel, deciding a personal day was in order and didn’t bother calling in. She doubted Angel would notice she was gone anyway.

 

*

 

            Angel sat in the corner of the couch. Buffy was lying with her head in his lap. They were watching a badly done remake of An Affair to Remember, or rather Buffy was. Angel was watching her.  Her hair was long and loose over his lap and he absently made tiny little braids in it just to have an excuse to touch her.

 

            The movie ended, leaving Buffy sniffling in his lap. Angel smiled when she made no move to get up. They’d slowly become more comfortable with each other. He was afraid though, Buffy was almost completely healed from the fight that had nearly killed her. She’d be leaving Los Angeles, leaving him soon. It was inevitable they always had to leave each other, fate, the Powers; something had made sure of it.  He growled low in his chest and Buffy looked up slightly alarmed. He smiled at her and shook his head, traced the arch of her eyebrow.

 

            “You okay?” She asked.

 

            He nodded. “I was thinking,” he said.

 

            “Brooding,” she countered with a smile.

 

            “Thinking, about the Powers and fate,” he said.

 

            She pouted. “I hate the Powers. I hate fate. They both seem out to screw us most of the time.”

 

            Angel paused a moment. “Then why do we let them?” He asked.

 

            Buffy furrowed her brow and looked up at him. “It’s not exactly something we get a choice in. I mean, hello gypsy curse,” she said.

 

            Angel shook his head. “Buffy, honestly, is your life better because I left you?”

 

            Buffy sighed and pressed her fingers into her eyes. “I put on this smile every morning so that Willow, Mom, Giles and Xander don’t realize that I’m broken inside. My normal boyfriend, the one you wanted me to have, paid vampires to suck on him and then left because I don’t feel enough, I don’t love him enough. The biggest relief in my life came when I watched Riley’s helicopter fly away. And even that I can say his name is testament that it didn’t really hurt all that much. It was five months before I could say your name, after you left me. The big bads just keep getting bigger and badder and some nights I just wanna quit. I want to let the next bloodsucker take a bite out of me and end it all. No, Angel, my life isn’t better because I you left me. My life sucks because you left me,” she said.

 

            Angel pressed his lips into a thin line. “That’s not what I wanted,” he said quietly.

 

            “I know that. That’s not even a question. I’m not a swoony little school girl anymore. I understand the reasons you left me but it didn’t work. I didn’t get normal when you left because I’m not normal and it doesn’t matter if you like it or Mom or Giles or even me, I’m never gonna be normal. I just wanna be loved,” she said and her voice broke.

 

            “Oh God, Buffy you are. You are loved beyond reason, beyond logic, beyond time. That won’t change,” he said.

 

            Buffy looked up at him with tear glossed eyes. “Do you think that matters when you’re here and I’m in Sunnydale?”

 

            Angel sighed deeply and looked down at the love of his life lying in his lap. He traced the rigid edge of her collarbone and brought his fingers to rest on the scar on her neck, his scar. After all this time it stood out vivid and clear, a reminder to him of just how much she loved him.

 

            “You just keep saving me,” he whispered

 

            She blinked and gave him a confused look.

 

            “Before you came here, I-I was in a very dark place, not Angelus dark but worse because it was me. I-I did some things I’m not proud of but I would have done a lot more if you hadn’t come along. You always save me,” he said.

 

            “And here I thought you were saving me,” she said reaching up to lay a reverent hand on his cheek.

 

            “I’m tired of letting the Powers and fates control us, Buffy. Yes we have destinies to fulfill. We’ve got missions and apocalypses to battle. Together we are strong but it’s very apparent that apart we are dead, maybe not physically but inside where it counts, apart we are dead,” Angel said.

 

            Buffy swallowed hard. She had wanted to say things like this to Angel for a long time but he had been the one to leave. He would have to be the one to suggest staying. “I-I’m tired of it too, Angel,” she squeaked.

 

            “Then why don’t we give us another chance?” He asked.

 

            Buffy bit her trembling lip and searched Angel’s eyes with her own. “What about the sunlight and the children and all those other reasons you left me?” She asked. She didn’t want to ask but she had to know. Angel leaving again would kill her. It had nearly killed her the first time.

 

            Angel sighed. “You know what I am. You know the things I can’t give you. Do you want those things?” He asked.

 

            “Not if I can’t have you,” she said.

 

            Angel nodded.  “If you ever change your mind, I’ll leave and I’ll understand.”

 

            Buffy shook her head. “I told you in the sewer two years ago I was never gonna change, that I couldn’t change. I’m still not gonna change, not when it comes to loving you. You’re a part of me, like my lungs or my heart. And I don’t function without you.”

 

            Angel smiled at her. He picked her hand up and kissed the knuckles. “Buffy, you are my soul.”

 

            Buffy smiled at him and tears shone in her eyes. “What about the curse?” She finally asked.

 

            Angel shrugged a little. “We’ll deal with it. I’ve got some connections here that I didn’t have in Sunnydale. Possibly they can come up with a way to anchor my soul. I’m not even sure-knowing that if I’m perfectly happy I’d have to leave you…I’m not even sure I could be anymore,” he said quietly.

 

            Buffy bit her lip. It hurt knowing that Angel couldn’t ever be perfectly happy. She wanted that for him. She wanted that for all the people she loved. She wanted him to feel the perfect bliss that she felt in his arms and it hurt that he’d never have that but it was also a relief, a relief knowing she’d never have to look in her lover’s eyes and run a sword through his gut again.

 

            “It’s not you, Buffy. My feelings for you haven’t changed since the night we made love,” he explained.

 

            She nodded. “I know. I’m just sorry you will never be able to be as happy with me as I am with you,” she said.

 

            Angel smiled. He ran his thumb along her full lower lip. It was red and swollen from her constant gnawing at it. “It doesn’t matter. I’m with you.”