Title: Sweet Sorrow
Summary: Btvs Post The Prom
S3 B/A
Rating: PG
A/N: Thank to Dana for
betaing this for me. Written
for Lee for the lyric
challenge
She battled with herself
during those moments spent
in his arms, flee or stay.
Already the pain of knowing
she was touching him for the
last time burrowed into her
bones, making her ache all
the way through. Later, she
told herself, she would have
these memories to get her
through nights that were far
too long without him in her
window. They lingered after
the slow songs stopped,
swaying to their own melody.
No one dared interrupt them
or tell them that their song
was over. She kept her eyes
closed, cheek over his
unbeating heart and willed
this not to be the end. She
knew it was. He’d already
decided and in her way,
she’d accepted it. Her hands
fisted in the lapels of his
jacket as the lights went
up. Her eyes slipped open,
sliding up and meeting his.
“Walk with me. Hold my hand?
It’s not midnight...I mean
it’s still technically prom
until midnight,” she
pleaded, hating the lost
sound of her voice.
He hesitated, giving her a
moment to shake her head and
start to pull away before
his arm curled around her
waist, pulling her back into
him. “It’s still
technically prom…and I got
here late so we’ve got a few
hours.”
Tears and smile battled, the
smile finally winning but
only by a margin. She
nodded. “Let me just…” She
glanced over to where
Willow, Oz, Xander and Giles
stood. Giles nodded at her
and she mouthed the word
thanks back to him.
His hand enveloped hers and
she let him lead her through
the throngs of teenagers out
into the warm air. They
kept silence between them
because there was so much to
say and neither of them
could say it. She wasn’t
surprised to find they’d
wandered into a cemetery.
She smirked slightly,
pulling away from him and
sitting down on a headstone.
He sat on the stone opposite
her.
“I’m sorry…about earlier at
the butcher’s,” she
whispered.
He shook his head, tears
pricked his eyes.
“No…you…you were right.”
She nodded and knitted her
hands together in her lap.
“Yeah…but…” she trailed off,
looking up at him from
underneath her lashes,
unable to disguise the tears
gathered there.
In the space of his sigh he
was beside her, the pad of
his thumb moping up her
tears before they could
track down her cheeks. “I’m
sorry, Buffy. This is why I
have to leave. I don’t know
how to be with you…and not
be with you. For the first
time in my entire existence
I love with my whole
being…and we can’t have
that. We can’t do that.”
Her hand closed over his and
she looked up, meeting his
intense, painful look with
one of her own. She nodded
slowly. “We could…I know
it’s hard, but we can find a
way around sex.”
Angel shook his head. “No…it
was never about sex, Buffy.
It was about holding you
while you slept, knowing
that you loved me
completely…that you trusted
me completely. You know
everything I was…everything
I am…and yet you love me.”
“With my whole being,” she
smiled sadly.
He nodded, resting his
forehead against hers. “And
that Mo Aman is why I have
to go.”
“Mo Aman?” She asked.
“My soul. You are my soul,
Buffy. Most days I think it
was returned because of
you…I retained it in Hell
because of you…and no matter
how hard we try…I will lose
it again because of you.”
The tears overtook her as
her arms crept around his
neck. He pulled her close,
burying his nose in the
crook of her neck, breathing
her in and knowing it would
be the last time. His soul
battered against his ribs,
protesting that sin. He bit
his lip against its protests
and strengthened his
resolve.
She struggled for control,
finally locking her tears
down. “I can’t…I don’t know
how to do this without you,
Angel.”
“Do what?” He asked as he
loosened his hold on her.
She slipped back away from
him, fingers wiping away the
traces of her tears. He
wanted to grab her hand,
kiss her fingers and taste
her tears. He wanted to tell
her those tears were too
sacred to let slip away. He
remained quiet.
“Live.” Her voice was a bare
whisper.
He reached up, placing his
palm against her cheek. She
leaned into his touch and
let him cradle her face.
“Just keep breathing…for me.
Where ever I end up…you will
still be my salvation. That
never changes. When I get
lost…knowing you’re
breathing, living, smiling
somewhere…anywhere will save
me.”
“What if I can’t?” She
wrapped her fingers around
his wrist, desperate to hang
onto him. If he had been
human he’d have bruises from
where she clung so tightly.
“Buffy Summers…there is
nothing you can’t do. That’s
one thing I love about
you…your heart…your spirit.
You died and you didn’t
quit.” Angel smiled softly
at her, pride etching his
features. His hand drifted
down to the curve of her
neck and rested there. He
angled his body in closer to
hers.
“Because I had you,” her
voice cracked.
“You still do,” he said. She
looked up, her eyes
questioning him, lit with a
hope he hated to dash.
“Nothing’s changed, Buffy.
You own me, heart and soul.
No matter where I go, no
matter how long I live…I
belong to you.”
She bit her trembling bottom
lip, steeling herself
against crying. Several long
moments passed as she fought
with herself and soaked in
his touch. “And if…if
something happens and your
soul gets bound…or if you
become human…”
“I’m holding onto the
mansion…just in case,” he
answered softly. He could
never let her know that he
harbored those very hopes
and dreams. She moved closer
to him, her body coming
flush with his. He could
feel her breath tickling his
neck and her heart pounding
against his chest. She
tilted her head up, lips
parting, pleading for a kiss
that he was already moving
to place upon her mouth. She
arched into the kiss,
filling it with desperation,
need and always the passion
that sparked between them.
His hand drifted down her
back, pausing to toy with
the zipper on her dress. She
whimpered, pulling him
closer.
“Angel.” His name was a
prayer when she said it like
that, breathy and filled
with hope. He pulled away,
his body trembling and his
breath coming in ragged
pants.
She placed both hands on the
double tombstone they sat
on, fingers curling around
the cold marble, knowing if
she let go she would be back
in his arms.
“It’s past midnight…I should
go,” Angel finally managed.
Buffy nodded. “Prom’s over,”
she sighed. Angel started to
walk off, melting into the
shadows as only he could.
She stopped him.
“Angel…if…if I couldn’t…if
you were human and something
happened…I couldn’t leave
here…” she trailed off, not
sure what she wanted to say
but positive about what she
needed to hear.
“I will wait for you. I will
wait for no one but you,” he
answered before disappearing
completely.
She touched her lips, still
tingling from his kiss, and
turned, walking out of the
cemetery. Her mom had left
the porch light on for her,
but she was surprised that
Joyce was still up.
“Hi, Honey. You’re home
early,” Joyce smiled.
Buffy shrugged. “Prom’s
over.”
“I thought you’d go out with
Willow and Xander,” Joyce
persisted.
Buffy shook her head. “I
just want…” she paused, not
giving voice to the things
she really wanted. “I just
want to go to bed. It’s been
a long night.”
“Alright. Goodnight,
Sweetie. I hope you had a
night you’ll never forget. I
know my prom was like that,”
Joyce said as Buffy
retreated up the stairs.
She closed the door behind
her and unzipped her dress,
letting it puddle at her
feet. She bent, picking up
the shimmery pink fabric and
hugged it close to her,
dipping her head to bury her
nose in it. The fabric held
a trace of Angel’s scent.
She couldn’t bear to let it
go as she laid down on the
bed, curling around the
dress and wrapping herself
in his scent. He was staying
until graduation but she
knew that this was their
goodbye.
“No, Mom…I’ll never forget
tonight.”
Lyrics by Dave Matthews Band
Lover Lay Down
Spring sweet rhythm dance in
my head
Slip into my lover's hands
Kiss me oh won't you kiss
me now
And sleep I would inside
your mouth
Don't be us too shy
Knowing it's no big
surprise
That I will wait for you
I will wait for no one but
you
Look please lover lay down
Spend this time with me
Together share this smile
Lover lay down
Walk with me, walk with you
Hold my hand your hands
So much we have dreamed
And you were so much
younger
Hard to explain that we are
stronger
A million reasons life to
deny
Let's toss them away
See you and me we
Lay down look see
She and he
By my lover's side
Together share this smile
Each other's tears to cry
Together share this smile
Lover lay down
Oh please
Look please lover lay down
Oh please lover lay down
And you weep
Lover lay down
Cause it's over
Lover lay down
Say lover, say lover, say
lover, say lover, say lover
Could I love you
Could you love me
Could I love you
Could you love me
Could I love you
Could you love me
Could I love you
Could you love me
Darling it's
All the same
All the same
All the same
All the same
'Til we dance away
'Til we dance away
'Til we dance away
'Til we dance away
Chasing me all around
Leading me all around
Leading me all around in
circles
Leading me all around in
circles
Say...
